30.10.2022 11:50 am

When I'd gotten to Adam's house last night, I saw that 2 of the 5 people I'd reached out to responded. One of them was Brent. I called him back and he picked up. We'd spoken for over an hour again. Him being my in the moment pro-bono therapist. I think he likes those kinds of conversations. We got to share equal amounts of our plights in light of our struggles. A vine member owed him a lump sum of money, I went over my issues. I'd told him at one point that I was glad he was a family friend and not just a vine member's ex. I remember when said vine member had broken up with another ex. I didn't care to speak to them much at all. Not that he was a bad guy or anything. We just hadn't conversed as much as I did with Brent. He was always over the first, second and third time I'd lived with Adam in the past. Not that I minded it at all. Brent's like a brother in a way. We spoke on other people's business. But in a constructive way. Like learning from other's mistakes. We spoke about Kanye West and his latest scandal. When the conversation was over, I immediately left it feeling very much okay. I fell asleep in no time.

12:26 pm

I'd made a breakthrough with finding the screecher. Turns out it's not located at Leslie's house, no. But the house further down the incline. I'd just gotten up one night and went after it when it went off. This had to be about 3 or 4 nights ago. I'd gone to Leslie's house. Wendy was upstairs. Saw me. Asked what I needed. I told her and she called Leslie for me. Rain was coming and I still had to go buy cigarettes. I was still thinking that this was a manic decision. I could always come back some other time. But Leslie had already come outside, greeting me. We caught up on life for a bit. Then I asked him about the sound I hear. If he hears it too. The oddest exchange occurred. He said he didn't hear anything at all. I'd asked if he was sure, and he was. Only for the screecher to trigger off at that moment, then it led to him telling me about the sound, how it goes off all times of day. He even pointed it out to me, the direction it was coming from.

The initial denial had me very frustrated. Like what am I crazy? No. The sound was very real and very much seeming as though it was coming from his house. And finally, I have its annoyance and debilitation in its glory. It was SOOOOO LOUD up close. I don't have to look at the recording to know my camera audio picked it up extremely well. That with my Neighbour's intial denial of hearing anything.

I know I'm not crazy.

I'm not sure what I'll do with it yet. But I'm glad I stuck around to get it on close recording. I wonder if the neighbours who own the thing don't really care for what the rest of us have to hear 24/7. If they don't. Well. That might make it easier.

1:05 pm

I'm thinking of When Birds Pluck Their Feathers. I'd started writing that first, never finished. And the flash drive I had my work on went missing. Months ago. When I first got here. At Adam's house. The copies I have of his ID goes missing too but luckily, they're not needed. Adam can take all if he wants. I don't think he's above taking my things for whatever reason. I just haven't caught him yet. I mean. At the time it was the only piece of technology I had besides my cheap phone. I clean up and looked a million times for it. Nowhere to be found.

1:31 pm

Anyway. I'd made two book covers for it thus far:

I keep forgetting my last name is Saltz, not Salts. I saw Kandake Karma Salts and thought Shit, again. But I'm thinking I like Salts. Might change it to that. Who knows. Otherwise. I haven't done much with the book besides that.

1:38 pm

Right now, I'm thinking of a way to dodge the draft. The mission Eve put me on. I could've barely gotten Said Loved One to reply to any message of mine in months. And what triggered a reply, finally. Was me messaging them, worried that they might be being sex trafficked and I don't know. Otherwise. There was no way I could complete that mission. Eve set me up for failure again. Anything impossible to keep me from seeing Loved One. Said Loved seemed more determined to keep away from them than me. I'm thinking I could go to social services to see Loved One. It would be a mistake to threaten Eve. It would be a mistake to go to social services. Both entities are extremely uncaring. I'm thinking I'll just keep asking until I get the yes on me coming over with popcorn and a movie. At the very least. If I can't take Loved One to the movies.

If Eve keeps saying no, I'll water it down to me just seeing them for a short while every other month or so. And if she says no, well maybe yeah social services.

At least it'll be in the system. Even if nothing is done. I'll have that there until further notice. The indoctrination and isolation are almost systematic "at home". Hard to see it for what it is from an outsider perspective. And insider perspective. Loved One doesn't know what's happening because it's always been happening. That's all they know. I was like that in a way. I just learned better a little later than usual.

3:16 pm

Getting high and music have seemed to alleviate all my symptoms of mental illness and triggers. I only just remembered that I haven't taken any of my meds for the morning or afternoon. I just calculated my calendar. My next psychiatrist appointment is 25th November. That's still kinda far away. Anyway. I upped my Risperidone intake naturally. One and a half works usually. If I eat properly, otherwise. 2. I still have my Concerta prescription. Hopeful I'll be able to fill it soon.

6:16 pm

On the Windows start up screen I saw a new place. Mars colored hills called the Kata Tjuta. In Australia.

6:17 pm

I'd asked Adam for a recent utility bill after quarrelling with him about that. The damn bastard. I'd finally caved and asked him for one. And he brought up the fact that I got one 7 fucking months ago. Like he doesn't know most times establishments require a recent one before proceeding with any matter at hand. It's a shame he's just as dumb as his dumb insolence. He said he just goes and pays his bills. Doesn't really collect his bill from the post office. That's something I could do he says. And the oddest thing is that I can. I have a problem with that. I'm not sure about anywhere else. But here, if you know the person's name and address you can just collect a letter on their behalf. To me it's the oddest thing and a security risk. Any deranged stalker or troublesome neighbour, if they have my name and address. Could just "pick up my mail on my behalf" with the CSRs at the post office being unsuspicious or non-the-wiser. I mean yeah, it's illegal to do that. But what if it's someone who just doesn't care?

I remember asking one of the CSRs at my local post office if I could make a request that mail in my name only be collected by me. They said no. Like it wasn't a reasonable request.

31.10.2022 12:47 pm

I'm at the house again.

I'd gone to the post office this morning. No mail for Adam. At to go to a head office in town to get the utility bill BUT I needed Adam's ID, and an authorization letter to get a copy of the bill. I didn't have either, but I was thinking hey that's kinda how it should be. That's the idea I was going for with the post office. At the very least a copy of ID. Even a phone call would work. That's what I had to do to get through, and as soon as I did. I went straight to Social Welfare. Dropping it off was easy. I'd spoken to Daniel's past friend's sister. I'd asked her about the Pharmaceutical Grant. I'd research other grants I may be eligible for because who wouldn't. Turns out I'm still eligible for two. My Concerta. That falls under Pharmaceutical Assistance. I'd need a referral letter from the head pharmacuticalist at St. Ann's. Everything else I already have. But there's a catch. I can't apply until I'm already on Public Assistance.

I think I'm eligible. My Concerta costs approximately $400 otherwise. And that's just a 3-week prescription. That's approximately $500 a month. That just leaves me with $800 a month to take care of myself monthly.

And yes, I know it's more than I live off of usually. But I try not to think like that.

2:17 pm

I'd found an oldie I loved as a child. Tyler, The Creator's "Tamale" and "Jamba".

2:25 pm

I'd gone to the shop to get food. Eve wasn't in the mood for me. I know this because she immediately asked me if I'd made any progress on my mission. I almost told her about messaging Said. I didn't do it for Eve. I for one do not want to hand over any information to Eve. But I almost did. Fuck. I'm almost glad Said didn't reply. I just told Eve I was working on it. She went on her tirade. Had brought up the bare minimum and a lie. That we we're always fed and were never abused living "at home". At this very point in my life. It's the most I've been freely fed under hardship by them. I almost forgot that. So yeah, both statements were a lie. But she said it at a time I'd be more inclined to agree to just get through the conversation and get food. I'd replied to that statement with a Yeah we we're fed.

I left the shop feeling like I wanted to cry. But I pulled myself together. I had to remember that she wants me to believe the situation is my fault. Just as with blaming me for causing problems when I spoke to my principal about our living situation years ago. Like I was lying. I wasn't.

I had to remember I'd be more emotional because I didn't take my Risperisone as I should. Would've held up better. But for the most part. I did. Got a taxi to take me to Adam's house pretty quickly. I'm glad Said's free. If it's my fault, then good.

I'm proud of me.

Good for me.

And good for Said too.

Man I wish I had a therapist.

I would whine about what Eve did. Ms. I Did Nothing To Deserve This. She deserves worse. She deserves none of us speaking to her. She's lucky I'm this down on luck that I'd need to see her for food almost each day. I want to be grateful, but I have to remember both Adam and Eve like to see me dependent. Makes them feel in control and needed. Not like parents. No. Like masters. Me asking Adam for money. Me asking Eve for food. That's how it's set up. You'd think they'd want better for me. But they're only concerned with what's better for themselves. Whatever that is.

3:00 pm

I went to the kitchen to prepare to make some more conditioner and moisturizer for my hair:

I'd thought to put some of my marijuana oil in it. Dunno why. I'm thinking there's a little CBD in there. Might do my hair and scalp a miracle or two. Anyway. I Started to clear the wares in the kitchen sink and thought Fuck this. So I'm here now. I'm active, but I get to sit and think. Anyway. I know when I run out of weed i'll have to up my Risperidone intake. I'm also still weaning off the Dogmatil. I'm in the last round of weaning.

3:21 pm

It's at times like this I wonder if I can just go into random rambling. I still get nervous about that. Like the story is all over the place, But then again. That's how I usually talk unless pertinently focused. Well. Here goes. I haven't gotten much done with my spiritual research. I'm not sure if I'm still rocking with the demon narrative. You know. People = Demons. At least for the people in my immediate life. I think just explaining my situations with them proves that enough. I'm thinking of what I typed earlier. I caught onto Eve's attempt to make me feel guilty about encouraging a vine member to escape "home". I did the right thing. I always did the right thing. And Adam? He started slamming doors again today. A favourite abuse tactic of his. I'd smoked in the house, and he came home as the incense I had lit finished lighting. He quarreled about it like it was boiling over in him. Like he was happy I did what I did. He's smart. Looks for excuses to behave like that now. Rather than the inebriated Charge!

I got scared when he slammed the door. It made me lose focus on my writing. But I kept Sage Parris' words and demeanor in the back of my head. And got back to work. I had to tell myself that I already know what he's doing. I need to focus on what I'm doing. And then I was fine. Was able to write again.

I hate that this is my day to day. Dodging mental drafts every several hours being around the quote unquote "loved ones".

I'd thought I needed to keep proper record of moments like that ones that happen. Take for instance Saturday gone. Adam was saying that every little thing would set me off if I just stay home and "do nothing". That wasn't true. "Every little thing" was already set to set me off. It had nothing to do with me being home each day. But it was technically good advice. Being out more would help. But I was of the suspicion that what he gave me was "empty advice". To me, that's when someone gives advice just to seem like they want to advise or help you when truly they're hoping you do the opposite or just stay as you are without it. Sometimes they give advice because they see all the obstacles in the way of you actually taking said advice. Like he knows my hermit nature. I don't think he expects me to take the empty advice at all. People do that. Adam does that. I know he wants me at home. Going nowhere and seeing only him. It's what he's used to. Besides. I might start getting bright ideas. Like moving out. Who's he gonna bully and look down on without me?

Anyway. The next day I told him I was going to Brent's house (just to be away from here for a while) and he got all soft. He almost seemed caring. Was asking me things like how I was doing. Showing concern. And now that I haven't left the house he's back to the good ole Adam.

Anyway. It's moments like those I need to pay attention to. I have to, to survive. Every good deed Adam does I just flush it down the mental toilet. As to not get roped back into not being complacent. He does nothing good for me out of the goodness of his heart. Which reminds me. He searches for any reason to be ungrateful for what I do. Per example. The other night I got his "handy man" to full 4 bottles for him. He chose to instead complain about one of the bottles not having a handle on them. I told him he got 4 bottles filled instead of 3 to shut him the fuck up.

4:22 pm

Right now I'm panicked. I hate that being inside is my entire day now. Before it was like nothing, a normal day. Now it's killing me. I think it has something to do with the Risperidone. Since taking my newer dose. I've found that I want to do the things that I won't normally do or care to do. Like go out. See friends, see places. It's probably in combination with the feeling of not having my life together, or not being where I want to be in life. Distractions are necessary in moments like those.

Otherwise. That's a dangerous combination I'll say. Needing others, needing distractions and having no access to either. Being on meds that make you want those things more. And my Risperidone intake has been more sporadic than routined. Even if I take the tablet and a half daily. I gotta fix that.

5:37 pm

In the time I've been away I reached out to ten people in my contacts and tried not to cry the whole time. So far I'm getting consistent replies from Brent and a vine member. Said vine member had brought up a valid point about me being emotionally draining. Like I just reach out to complain and not actually try to fix the problems I'm facing. They, for the most part. Still stayed on the line with me. I had let them know that I was trying to be better and do better. That me reaching out wasn't just to complain. I genuinely felt the need to go out and hang out with friends and loved ones.

Brent I was able to get through to a bit better. I could tell he understood my dilemma a bit better. I always liked that he never felt like I was too much at any point in conversation. If he did. He never showed it.

6:03 pm

That's all I have to say for now.