27/10/2022

9:20 am

Good morning, World.

This morning I had a dream I was in an airport. The first flight I had was with Eve. I was a young child again. And it was successful. But the second time around I was an adult. The age I am presumably. I was trying to dodge security and get on my flight, but they were trying to prevent me for some reason. At one point there was travel's latest option to have me "catapulted" to the country I was going to. Somewhere in Europe. They explained it to me. Surprisingly. The idea was to have me bolting through the air, the atmosphere, then space. And the pod would "land" somewhere in the country I wanted to go. Where airport officials would release me from the pod. The dream ended with me making the conscious decision to wake up. You can't lose if you don't play, they say. I get very analytical about things. I wonder if my subconscious is fighting the battles I've had entrained in my mind. Especially in regard to Adam and Eve's infantilization of me. I wonder if I'm smoking too much weed.

I'd almost hit my head last night. So I reckon that's where that dream partially stemmed from. Was looking for weed. The junkie's in my system again. Went up the hill IN THE RAIN to find One of Them but didn't. On my way back down, on the stairs, I thought to ask One of The Men I'll Forever Hate if I could buy some weed from him. I thought eh, everyone sells out it seems, wouldn't be the worst thing if I buy weed from him. But as soon as I hit their first step I went crashing down onto the concrete and puddle of water. I felt like my brain bounced around a little. I thanked God for pulling up on me. Got up. Laughed at myself. Then went home. I think it might have reactivated the high I felt earlier in the day because I felt high talking to Brent soon after. I told him this.

I'd reached out to him for One of Them's phone number. It was after 9 pm, I was wet, I busted my ass, but I was still on my mission.

The call, however, would lead to an over an hour-long conversation. We caught up on life with me doing most of the talking. I ended up telling him about the bacchanal with me almost opening Aleister's skull with a teacup. Ceramic. And stabbing Eve in her face with a pencil. I'd told him about how I ended up incarcerated in St. Ann's. He didn't seem shocked. But to be fair to him. I call him The Zen Master or Sage Parris. He doesn't react to much usually. And usually says wise things. He's a Sagittarius. So it checks out.

He gave me advice on how I shouldn't have escalated my actions, I tried to argue that that was a good thing. My escalation. My actions. How. In an undesirable situation. And in a non-Mr. Roger's universe. My escalations and actions were and are justified. I didn't get to explain why, not the way I wanted to. I'd hit my head moments earlier. But I'd gone over what Daniel did with accuracy. The whole getting me put in St. Ann's thing. I used the worse names I could to describe her. Like Fakie McFake-Fake.

And worse names.

Really awful names. If I said it to her face, she'd probably couff me down (punch me in my face/knock me out).

Anyway.

Brent suggested I save. And get a boyfriend. To help me out. He asked me what was up with Him and I. If it's really over. I told him the truth. Yes. It was. He asked when I spoke to him last, and I told him about reaching out to Him about the welfare thing. I told him about the restraining order thing. I told him that ultimately it was over. But if I could. I would still be with Him, The One. I could do without one but not both. And I'm still doing without both. I told him that I accepted that it'll be like that for a while. It makes missing Him worse (more), but it'd keep me out of trouble more.

12:20 pm

I got bored writing, so I did some art therapy this morning:

12:38 pm

Yesterday I thought about how I never learned how to drive. Even though I view it as necessary in the lights of martial law, or a fictional zombie apocalypse, or Armageddon. I don't blame Adam for being the reason I can't drive. But I'll always remember his excuse as to why he never taught me how to: The cars he'd drive never had hand breaks. If they did. I'd have known how to drive long time.

I still remember a vine member telling me how they'd drive home and to fast food restaurants at 16 sometimes. On the main road AND the highway. Because they passed for 19. Parent's car. We're about the same age now. I try not to dwell on that. I tell myself. I'm the reason I don't know how to drive. And leave it at that. I'm also the reason I only see Green Trees and Small Hills. And the city. If I really wanted to. If I was really determined. I'd walk to town. Go out. Be anywhere but here. I've done it before. But man, the exhaustion. So I reserve that for when needed. Like I do with the bottle recycling. I know that's a problem. Because I would like to go to the movies, or the mall. Or a park with swings.

An arcade.

An amusement park.

An art gallery (not really).

I don't desire to have pictures and good times with friends for some reason. I mean I'll do it. But it's not a strong desire. At least not right now. That along with watching movies. I'm still in survival mode. I don't have time for that. Maybe as a teen I did. But as things got worse, so did doing anything. Well outside of trying and failing to progress in society. Physical extravertism. Despite being an introvert. That's what I had. That's what I'm trying to get back. That's what I'm getting back. All in that order.

This morning I left the house. Was back on my mission. Went into the valley road. Saw a street pharmacist. I know him. He had exactly what I was looking for. Local weed (sativa). Of very good quality. Got more than expected. He even showed me a short cut to get back to Adam's house. It's a walk to say the least. I left the house, exercised, AND interacted with another human being that wasn't Adam or Eve. And I didn't feel like dying.

I don't have any plans to do that again. But if need be. I hope I can.

1:55 pm

I'd let Cotton inside last night. Cotton is a dog:

She slept on a cushion. I left the front door open so she could go outside and pee whenever. I took the key out the door. I thought I don't have a house key. I'm not allowed to have one. The door's unlocked in the day. Why should I be concerned if it's unlocked in the night? I didn't want to have to deal with Cotton shitting inside. If she would do that. There's no indication that I've had her inside too long. So I don't know how to time her.

2:20 pm

A spam commentor from Turkey gave my story a vote and offered me a book signing deal:

Only 6 chapters in guys.

Fake or not.

Just saying.

3:36 pm

Adam leaves $5 in his small counter for me sometimes. He told me this. So I went looking hoping to find $5. I found the cable and internet bill instead. From FLOW. He rakes up $1500 bill. I got annoyed seeing it like I got annoyed seeing his first TSTT payout upon retiring; $700,000 approx. 4 years ago. I was cleaning up his room without him telling me to. Trying my best to love him anyway. I've recently stopped. Anyway. It was on the floor. Like all his stuff were. Even the occasional pension check receipt. I remember thinking I didn't need to see that. I still think that. It really annoys me. Especially when I see that instead of the $5 he says is around. As with all the bills I'd come across easily. Man needs a briefcase.

Any takers?

Father's Day gone was his last from me.

I am Ian's "Fuck you, Frank!"

2:34 pm

That reminds me of something.

2:35 pm

Brb, gotta go accumulate the evidence.

2:58 pm

That reminds me of something.

Someone had tried to hack into my Maximalist Essentials Facebook account. From FLOW. At Columbus Communications. That was about a year ago:

I found it odd they wanted to get into my Maximalist Essentials Facebook account.

4:28 pm

I told Adam he looked great leaving the house the other night.

4:30 pm

Some people know the holy scriptures (in all religions) like the back of their hands... and that's it. I'm glad I'm not like them.

Anyway.

5:42 pm

I'd asked Adam what date his birthday was. Sarcastically. He knows I'm not going to get him anything. Regardless, I knew it but needed to be sure. He told me March 24th. Just like how mine is March 16th. I stared at him and wondered what he was on about. He then sarcastically said the correct date. Both his and mine. He knows I now have a hard time not questioning reality with his constant doing of that. Making me question reality. His excuse: You know better.

I'm not sure if I should tell HDC about this. I don't think they see entrapment (St. Ann's situation) and psychological abuse, and all the other environmental factors as an emergency. And Yes, I know there are other people on the waiting list. But what there also is, is people occupying apartments and their sole occupation is crime. And not the cool kind. No. The not cool kind:

However, Some HDC houses and apartments are more equal than others. I never thought to take pictures of the absolutely beautiful one's in certain areas. The one's far away from here. I only have pictures of the impoverished ones.

If I were to be placed. I wonder where I would be placed.

6:16 pm

It's the rainiest end of year in a long time. At least from what I've noticed. I've never really paid attention to the weather. The first time I noticed the transition from dry season into rainy season was in 2020. Just two years ago. Anyway. Right now, I can clean up. Not much else to do. Well. Besides write. I'm wondering what's the best way to talk about something that's been on my mind. A whole year now.

You see, when I say Aleister deserves every bad thing. There are some bad things that happened. According to them. I remember when Eve told me the neighbours robbed the house. I was living with Adam then. That was the first time around. Before leaving and having to go back and then leaving and having to go back again.

And then leaving and having to go back again.

I was still recovering from One of The Men I Will Forever Hate then. The pain was fresh actually. I remembered thinking that what happened was unfortunate. But I also remember Eve complaining about the door being shabby and easy to dismantle of the hinges. Aleister had to wait to get robbed to fix the door. Eve talked constantly about the neighbours using witchcraft on us and robbing the house for years. That is true. What she said. I still have her recorded in her theatrics. I recommended cameras being put up around the house and it didn't happen for three years. And only after I questioned Eve about the events of what happened then. A safe was stolen they said. By the Hoggins. They said. I try my best to not think about that. Regardless of it's a lie or not. I don't see how it affects me. Kind of like them telling me a new vine member's name was one thing. And then finding out it was another. Again. Especially with Murray. I'm taking all talks from them with a grain of salt. And if it is true, if it's not. It doesn't matter to me.

I have to do that. I'm thinking it would be good for my self-therapy. To understand that the information I'm fed by my abusers isn't reliable information. So otherwise, ignore and carry on.

6:42 pm

I spent some time taking videos, and pictures of outside. Wanted to show the green trees and small hills I'm talking about:

I don't enjoy the view. It's noisier that it looks. Very populated. I may sound like I don't like it here. And I don't. No other way to say it frankly. How can you like something you see every day? Especially when it adds to the doom and gloom of not living a full life. Just the same thing every day. Green Trees and Small Hills. On the password menu on my laptop, I see a new vast scenery every day. Different photographs from all around the worlds. I remember this cinnamon-colored scenery of a river. With maple leaves falling in the fall. In the northern, northern America. I saw one with a mountain lion. Also, America. Another one, baby penguins. The Artic or Antartica. So much to see. Never much to actually experience. Not even here. I haven't gone to the beach in years. An aunt of mine came to visit. Invited me to a water park when I saw on their Facebook that they were at the beach the prior day. I'd have liked the beach. I couldn't go either place because I didn't have money, especially the $200 for the water park, and I wasn't invited to the beach. I haven't been to a river since I was a child. Been over a year since I've been to the movies. Again. This is what I know but don't want to know.

Impoverishment, and given my upbringing, distrust of people has me in doors. I keep thinking. If Adam could keep doing this. What Daniel and Eve did to me. They can do and did do. Then who's to say a friend isn't an enemy? I'll say, I felt a sense of comfort in Nerd Explains saying he's paranoid. And wouldn't pick up hitch hikers. It was in one of his videos. Who's to say there aren't many Cho Sang-Woo's out there waiting to Ali me. That's all I know thus far. I've refrained from friendship. For the most part. Eve entrained it in my mind that people cannot be trusted. And I saw it come to pass. With her especially. So it's kind of hard to shake that feeling. Especially with me being like that too. Not untrustworthy per say. But knives out. Survival instinct, I guess. I don't think I'm good at it. But I'm getting better.

7:09 pm

I'm not sure what I'll do with my welfare. Or even what kind I'll be getting. Or if I'll be getting it at all really. But I'd hoped to go to the movies. Or get some Chinese. I might even buy an article of clothing.

7:11 pm

The weather's got my eyes runny and nose stuffy. I feel sleepy from smoking weed all day. Just now I filmed another video of a phonophobia trigger. This one was new. Another one that I haven't heard in a while. It sounds like one of those "bad boys" stirring noise pollution in the neighbourhood. That happens a lot. Could be someone from a rival area. Sending a message per usual.