She tightly shut her eyes off to not let the teardrop slip as she shook her head in denial pushing the plate away to not eat, even being very hungry.

"Aiimm no...not hungry."

Saying in an whisper she wiped her eyes and turned to the right finding Mahia putting Nahiaan to sleep.

Tanveer's Chachi helplessly looked at her as she caressed her hair with pity.

"Please....you'll fall weak like this."

"Not...hungry..."

"Let it be Chachi, she has already vomited twice." Mahia said shifting towards them.

"She's hungry Mahi, just....that.. Zia.....please, just few morsels."

Her Chachi pleaded but she again shook her head like a baby.

"Don't punish the baby Zia."

She looked up at her and pouted bringing her lower lip up as tears fell down her eyes.

"Okay I'm keeping it here. Do eat later. I...I.. should go to Shahveer."

She stood up and left the room.

"Zia...."

"I won't eat...won't.."

She laid down resting her head in Mahia's lap snuggling there like a kid, finding for any way to give warmth to the bitter coldness of her heart.

"Nahiaan slept. You too sleep for a while."

"Aaaniiii."

Zahra opened the door and came running towards them before closing it back.

She jumped up on the bed as Thanzia watched her from the corner of her eyes.

"Veer Chachu..... gave it to you."

She extended her hand to Thanzia.

Unwillingly she sat up and wiped her face looking down at the paper in Zahra's hand.

"Ve..veer.."

She took it with her shivering hand, wondering what it could be.

"Zahra come on...Zia sleep sooner."

Mahia kissed her forehead and got down from the bed with Zahra.

Unfolding the paper, she realized it to be a letter which made her more curious asking why Shahveer would send this to her.

She got down from the bed wanting to lock the door but due to dizziness, fell on the floor making her ankle hurt.

"Uhh...."

Standing up, she ran to the door and locked it.

Even when she doesn't want to cry, still tears don't leave her way being so merciless to her pain.

She couldn't understand the words due to her teary eyes, which made her more annoyed, she wiped her face but again tears appeared there.

"JUST STOP CRYING."

She screamed out loud in frustration pulling her hair, ignoring the pain that it caused.

"Ummhmm Maaa Dadda."

Nahiaan's sleep immediately broke as he got scared and sat up with teary eyes looking around, finding for the source which frightened him.

Regretting to yell having him awaken for her, she ran to the bed and took him in her lap.

"Sorry baby...I'm sorry."

Patting his back to put him back to sleep, she laid down on the bed and held him the closest to her.

"Mummum..."

"Sleep."

10 minutes passed in that after which she slowly moved back and sat down the bed in the floor with the letter in her hands.

She leaned over the bed and begin reading.

"Love,

Though I'll write, I don't want this to reach you. But if it does then probably I'll be no more with you.

And somehow I feel that I'm leaving.

I'm sorry Zia. I am not betraying you. I felt guilty to join the league till I got to know that we are going to be parents.

It ended all my worry.

I prayed Istikhara and it's guidance was so clear that despite of my will to be back to you, I couldn't control agreeing to fight the battle.

I don't fear death, I fear your condition for my death.

I don't understand myself after you joined my life. I wanted to live for my country, but now I live to love you.

Maybe that's not fair that I cannot choose any one between you and my duty, but my love for you can't be compared to my duty as a soldier.

Even regarding my brother, I love him so much that my heart asks for his peace before mine. Maybe I wouldn't even love my own children like I love him.

Still, I could never accept to leave my duty for his sake that I know would end his every fear and struggle.

I don't know why does this happen to me! I love you both the most yet it's so inconceivable for me to leave my job.

You know the stories of Mujahideen would always seek my attention from childhood. I wouldn't understand the meaning of giving life in the path of Allah, but I loved their love for fighting for Islam.

How blessed I would be if I were to die as a Mujahid!

I couldn't be that's why I'm working for my nation today.

It'll be my 2nd time fighting against the terrorists.

You know what the first time when death escaped me but many of my friends died, I felt so disheartened and ignored. I wasn't fated to be martyred, it was Allah's will but still it was hurtful.

But this time my heart is so attached to you that I'm praying to be alive for your sake.

But maybe I'll leave.

Allah knows the best.

I never thought to even marry but when I did, I couldn't even realize when I fell for you, for what in you made me love you.

Maybe the reasons include everything in you, maybe your soul that is connected to mine is what made my heart own yours.

I love you a lot.

I don't want to leave you, but this heart doesn't also want to run away from it's duty to serve this nation.

If now you're reading this then I'm taken back to my permanent life.

I made you love me and that's what I regret the most at a point, but at the same time your love and your fear to lose me makes me feel so blessed and special.

The drop of moments that I got to live with you made me create a different universe having us only in it, that's so ethereal! I never prayed for something so heavenly but look, it all happened through having you in my life.

Despite of knowing you'll be left alone I mercilessly chose the path which may make you lose me forever.

I have options, but they are blocked to be taken.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I'm leaving you behind.

But I love you a lot that I never thought to do.

I know your helplessness, fear and love for me. But I believe that you won't hate me after what I'll be doing to you, that if I die I'll still be your eternal love.

Our baby!

Subahan Allah, what a mercy Allah has given us at the correct time.

I may not be here beside you, but this part of my heart and soul will be forever with you. I know that if I die then these 9 months will be the worst moments in your life while they were supposed to be the most memorial.

You love Nahiaan like none other do, our baby will also beloved by his father the most, I say my brother.

That's why I'm relaxed regarding the plans of future.

And about now, May Allah bring peace to your soul, let I not be the reason to again snatch all your peace and joy.

I pray to be a memory in your heart that eases your pain.

I love you.

Fi Amanillah.

Done reading for the 3rd time, she brought the letter close to her face and placed a kiss in it as teardrops fell on the paper.

She found her body continually shivering even though she tried to get control over that but failed.

Her throat and chest ached so much that she felt delirious, fearing if something very bad happens to her.

Looking around helplessly thinking if someone could come to lessen her pain, she covered her mouth with her hands tired of crying and sobbing.

She maybe didn't even drink water in this day more than the quantity of tears that are being rained down from her eyes.

The feeling seemingly is intolerable, yet it satisfied her to mourn over the loss she got.

"There are many...to serve your nation...but none to serve my heart Tanveer...."

She murmured restlessly, gazing at the letter wondering if he could hear this.

"Ohh Tanviii....where will I again find that peace that I got from you!"

She willed to yell but couldn't for having Nahiaan asleep there.

Feeling nauseous, she immediately sat up and wiped her tears but her cheeks again drenched with water rolling down her eyes.

She fell on the position of Sujood turning towards the western side, knowing that at least this will be helpful to her.

"Ya Allah madad!"

Crying for more few minutes in that position, out of nowhere she reminded herself of the one who held Sabr and Tawakkul even after being an orphan from childhood, losing his most beloved wife, his all children, abandoned by his own people and facing so many more tests in his life, even being the most favorite to Allah,

he had to struggle so much but never did he lose hope as he believed,

"Allah does not charge a soul except with that within it's capacity." Quran-2:285

She smiled over the thoughts of Rasulullah ﷺ and let herself cry to Allah until her restlessness lessened, bringing hopes for the upcoming moments holding Sabr in her heart.

•••••

"Veer...."

His Chachi whispered looking at his messy face as he laid on the bed in an uncomfortable position, most probably asleep.

She noticed the dried tears in his cheeks, his swollen nose and lips that he reddened by biting.

She gasped imagining the pain he's handling with. He always hides that in front of everyone except for his brother, that all know. But what now that he lost the one who was enough to fight against his every pain and fear?

"Bha...ii.."

He muttered with closed eyes making his hand's way to his forehead, tapping there slowly having a very murderous headache.

She sat down beside him and settled his head on her lap to massage his head.

"Chachi...." He smiled touching her hand as a teardrop escaped down his eyes.

"What have you done to yourself Veer?"

"If only I could do something to myself."

He opened his eyes to look up at her.

His moist eyes filled with tears as he thought over Thanzia, how she must be dealing with this pain is another matter that hurts him.

"Bha..bi...she..how is she?"

"Like you."

He smiled shutting his eyes off, very sleepy but still sleepless. He got a feeling that he may get peace in her, unfortunately now he can't get her.

"Did you pray Veer?"

"Mmm no...I'll now.....Go to sleep Chachi, it's late."

He got down and walked to the washroom.

As he turned around locking the door, his gaze fell on the mirror reflecting him on it.

He blankly stared there for a minute.

Those eyes, nose, lips, beard and everything resembles Tanveer. He craved for his existence, but knowing that death is too selfish to care for others, he let that wish fade.

••••

Days flew away, pain and memories didn't. He spends his nights sleepless and restless, and she awaits dreamingly for her husband to call her like he used to before.

"Why do you only get midnights to disturb me?"

"Because you disturb me the whole day and I've only midnights to present you to my heart.

Woah that was filmy? Love is so gross, yuck!"

Sometimes she would feel very annoyed and disturbed for his late night calls. He understood so but still would call as he had no other time to give to her.

And now such a time arrived that she feels disturbed and restless for not getting his calls as he doesn't even exists anymore within time.

She once thought that his existence woudn't even matter to her, but now the consequences of his death is so cruel to her that she feels lifeless, as if he died taking her soul along.

But truly her pregnancy became a blessing to her, which Shahveer has blessed more with his care and love.

Though she's in her Iddat and they didn't even meet for months, Shahveer always brings everything that she needs without even having her asked for so.

She misses her husband badly but Allah knows what still makes her think of Shahveer. Though she wants to, she never wins in making herself believe that she doesn't love him anymore.

Because she does.

"Sir, it's a baby boy."

Shahveer immediately stood up and ran to that direction as he saw the nurse coming out of the OT with the baby in her arms.

He extended his hands to take the baby as a heavenly smile curved in his lips spreading peace in his heart.

He took him in his arms and looked down at his face. A teardrop rolled down his eye in happiness as he leaned down to peck the baby's forehead.

"How...is..is she?" He looked up at the nurse in worry which ended seeing her smiling in assurance.

"She's totally fine and healthy."

He smiled and looked down at the baby.

"Please Veer...be by her side, marry her."

The nurse carefully placed the baby in Thanzia's chest as she immediately held him and kissed his head with a smile forming in her lips.

"My baby."

The feeling is so heavenly!

••••

She once dreamt to be his bride, but never imagined that it would come true in such a situation.

He too always prayed to make her his, finally it became a reality, but not a satisfactory one.

Thanzia fed her baby and carefully placed him in his crib.

Her gaze fell on Nahiaan who's looking at her sadly, seeking for her love and attention.

"Aaaeeee my jaan. Come here."

He immediately crawled to her and sat on her lap.

His tiny hands held her face as he leaned up and kissed her cheek.

"Mummum."

"Did you like the baby?"

"I lowvh baybe. You lowvh me?"

He asked.

He's not jealous of sharing her with his little brother but he fears if she doesn't love him anymore.

"Mummum loves you the most."

She pecked his lips as he giggled and hugged her.

He bowed down to her chest and made himself comfortable to sleep.

Putting him down in his place, she kissed his forehead and moved back.

She looked at the wall clock hitting 11'O clock, wondering why Shahveer still didn't come.

Unable to wait any longer, she took her phone and was about to call him when the door opened making her heart jump with nervousness as she guessed him coming.

She froze in her place as he entered and locked the door.

He faced her back as he turned around.

That's so ethereal for them to believe that they are now married.

Thanzia felt more nervous as he'll be seeing her face for the first time.

"Assalamu Alaikum."

His voice made her shiver as she nodded her head.

"Walaik...um Assalam.."

She turned around with lowered gaze while he looked up at her face with his racing heart.

He clenched his fists tightly unable to blink his eyes for once as they're busy staring at her.

She waited for him to say anything or at least move from his place, but he didn't. He was lost in gawking at her that he didn't even realize how minutes passed.

So she came forward with all her courage, her eyes getting moist as the noise of her heart increased.

He found himself shivering as she ended the distance between them and hugged him.

His Adam's apple played up and down as he gulped in nervousness and put his hands in her back, holding her closer to him.

Snuggling in his neck, she caressed his hair as tears made their way down her eyes.

"Zi......"

He tried to pull away but she disallowed clutching his shirt in her fist.

He became impatient to have a look of her face though the hug brought peace in his heart.

She broke the hug but didn't move back as her hands rested in his shoulders.

He exhaled the breathe that she just let go. Leaning down, he pecked her forehead and made his hand up to wipe her tears.

He was holding back his agony until now as he suddenly felt a sharp pain engulfing the peace in in his heart.

He removed her hands from his shoulder and took a step away.

His legs weakened as he looked up at her, finding her nervous.

"What...happ..end?"

"No..thing.."

"Tell...me?"

His tensed appearance made her cry more thinking if she did anything wrong.

"Heyy..."

He immediately came forward bringing her back in his arms as she held him tighter.

"Shahveer...."

"Hmm...say."

"I love him."

"I know."

"I love you too."

He chuckled at this.

"I love you more."

Looking up at him, she cupped his face as her eyes busily admired his features which are just like Tanveer.

He has a army haircut which resembled Tanveer even more.

She ran her fingers in his beard as her mouth twitched making her smile.

"You both... brothers punished me so much."

"Oh really? We both loved you so much. I love you."

•••••