This morning marked the first day of November, the day after the Halloween party. I woke up at the usual time I wake up, which is around 8am. Hailee, on the other hand, was passed out asleep on her side of the bed. She was definitely exhausted from the party last night, and will most likely be hungover as soon as she wakes up.

I won't lie, I'm a little nervous for her to wake up, since it means we will have to face what happened last night. The words that came out of her mouth are still looming over my head, and I can't seem to shake them off.

After making a smoothie and a nice breakfast for myself, I ultimately decide to just explore the city on my own to clear my head. I don't even bother leaving a note for Hailee or anything, and frankly I didn't care to.

The weather outside was a little chilly, which I am excited for since I love fall. It means I get to wear all my hoodies and cold weather clothes again, which I don't get to use as much in the heat of LA.

I walk with my hands in my pockets, looking down at my feet every once in a while watching each step go by. The buildings tower over me as the people of New York pass me by. Surprisingly I don't get recognized too much out here, and I feel like it's attributed to the hustle and bustle of the city. Everyone seems to know where they are going, and it feels like it's their mission to get here. So, to blend in I just mimic those actions and that's how I get by.

I'm taken out of my train of thought when I hear the very familiar sound of a ball bouncing, followed by the sound of the net swooshing. I look up from the floor to see an outdoor basketball court on the other side of the street. There are kids of all ages playing on each half of the court. I admire them from across the street, watching them. I can hear their faint laughs and on court communication in my ears, and it brings a smile to my face.

After looking both ways, I cross the street. The court is separated with fencing all around since it's so close to the street, allowing the ball to stay within the parameters of the floor. I watch them play a few points, and even though I probably look like a creeper right now I don't care.

One of the kids notices me and he stops bouncing the ball, dropping it to let it bounce until it rolls away.

"Is that Jayden Carter?" He says, asking his friends around them if they are seeing what he is.

I lift my hand from my pocket to give them a slight wave, and they all become filled with excitement.

"No way!" One of them says.

"Come play with us." Another suggests, and I hesitate but there's no way I could say no to them.

"Alright, alright." I finally accept, and they all smile.

I unlock the door that's integrated into the fence, and I step onto the court. I take off my hoodie, revealing the t-shirt I had underneath.

"What's the score?" I ask them as I prepare to enter their pick-up game.

"We just started a few minutes ago, so it's only 8-5." The kid informs me.

"Perfect then, let's start the play from the top." I assert, and they follow, giving me the ball to start the next play from the top of the key.

I immediately begin dribbling the ball around outside the three point line, watching as the kids on my team try to get open. One of them manages to pop out onto the wing, and I bounce pass it over to him. Once I pass the ball, I move myself to another position on the court. The ball quickly gets passed back to me, and I fake like I'm going to take a shot. One of the boys on defense falls for it, and I move past him, finishing with a layup.

"You got me with that pump fake." He tells me, and we laugh.

The kids and I continue to play for a while longer, and I quickly become worn out. I'm still exhausted from yesterday, and I'm not even warmed up or wearing basketball shoes so my performance isn't what it usually is. Granted, it's just for fun but still tiring. By now, there are more kids on the other half of the court now watching us, waiting for a chance to play with me.

"Well, my team won the game so that means it's time for a new rotation so everyone can have a chance." I tell them all, trying to ease my way out of playing another game.

"You're leaving?!" One of the smaller kids tells me, and I laugh at the tone in his voice.

"I've got things to do kid. But I'll stop by again another time." I tell him honestly.

"Thanks for playing with us." Says The main kid who recognized me first.

"Any time guys. Keep practicing hard okay?"

After waving one last time to the kids, I continue walking down the same street I started on back to our apartment. Since I just did some exercise, I decide to keep my hoodie off, holding it in my hands since my body still feels hot from playing.

I take out my phone from my pocket to check the time, but instead my eyes immediately divert to my notifications.

Hailee - 3 Missed Calls

Hailee: where are you???

After seeing the notifications, I let out a sigh. That tells me she's woken up. I don't really feel like answering back, so I put my phone back in my pocket to continue walking.

I can assume she probably doesn't feel well after all the drinks she had, so I pop into a Starbucks on the way home to grab some coffee and snacks. The line was a little longer than usual since it was approaching lunch time, but I was able to go in and order Hailee her usual order, along with an iced tea for me since I don't really like coffee. I also got Hailee a cake pop and a pumpkin loaf for myself.

When I walk into the lobby I greet the woman at the front desk, and she waves to me. As I take the elevator up to our floor, I grow a little anxious since I remember I didn't answer Hailee back. With the drinks and bag from Starbucks in one hand, I unlock the front door with the other, shutting it behind me loud enough so Hailee can hear me from upstairs.

I place the items from Starbucks on the kitchen counter, as well as putting my keys bag on the hooks we have by the door. With my back turned to the stairs, I begin to disassemble the Starbucks packaging so I can enjoy the things I bought. However, my enjoyment is cut short when I hear Hailee come down the stairs.

"Where did you go?" She asks in a tone that isn't nice.

"Good morning to you too." I answer back in the same tone.

"I tried to call and text you."

"Okay well, I was just going out for a walk to clear my mind. I wasn't using my phone." I tell her honestly.

"Clear your mind from what?"

"I don't appreciate the way you're speaking to me right now." I reply, now turning around to face her.

"I have the right to know. You've been so weird ever since I started filming I don't know what's gotten into you. Is there something you aren't telling me?"

"What's gotten into me?" I say back, in shock of what she just said. "You seem to forget everything that's happened these past few months. I've really just started the grief process with my Mom and-"

"Can you tell me Jayden, is there a point where you stop pulling the Mom card?"

Her sentence takes a second to process, and I turn my head away from her.

"Is it one year? Five years?" She adds on, each word ripping me more and more apart.

In defense, I begin to chuckle.

"Is this funny to you? I don't understand. I can't stand these little arguments we have been having this past week, and then yesterday at the party? Just disappearing and then I find you with Lizzie? Explain that one."

"Oh yeah, Lizzie. That's what this is all about." I reply in a comedic tone which only makes her more angry.

I turn to face her now, looking her straight in the eye.

"Listen." I assert, my face dangerously close to hers.

My eyes flicker to her lips, and it becomes increasingly difficult not to just kiss her right there and make this whole argument go away. I hate arguing with her, no matter how small it might be about. I hate having to raise my voice like this. My eyes begin to water at this inner battle, but I push them back, not allowing a tear to fall, suppressing my emotions.

"What you did yesterday in front of my friends was embarrassing. And what you just said to me right now..." I begin. "You wouldn't even understand the ways in which it hurt me."

I take a deep breath before continuing, allowing myself to keep my cool.

"I know you're stressed, but you have no right to take it out on me like that."

As I say these words to her, her shoulders begin to drop, and her body begins to loosen up away from the tense state she was standing in.

"It's disrespectful to do that to someone who loves and cares for you so much. So much." I tell her, emphasizing the last part.

"And just because I'm in the off season right now doesn't mean I'm not doing work. While you're gone I have countless emails to answer, and a whole house to maintain so you don't have to clean when you get home late at night."

I now step away, turning my back to her, my hand placed on my forehead.

"I even got you fucking Starbucks today on my way home!" I say loudly, using both my arms to point at the coffee on the table.

She just stares in silence.

"I wouldn't have gotten it for you if I would have known I would be treated like this when I walked through the door."

Quickly, I walk towards the kitchen counter and I swiftly grab my already watered down iced tea and pumpkin loaf. I also grab my keys off the hook in the same swoop.

"Enjoy your coffee, Hailee." I say, not even looking at me while I open the door.

Right before I close it, I look at her one last time.

"Wait, where are you going?" She asks.

"Anywhere but here." I reply dryly, shutting the door with a slam.

I begin to speed walk down the hall to the elevator, and behind me I hear the door open, signifying that she walked out too to watch me walk away. Holding back tears, I ride the elevator down to the lobby.

In a way, I'm proud of myself for telling Hailee how I truly felt. Usually I just end up saying sorry, or forgiving her just to clear the situation. But today was different, and it became different the second she mentioned my Mom.

However, I'm not proud of walking away like that. I was always taught to never run away from your problems. It's always better to face them. But my body was just telling me to leave, thinking it would be best if I just let her be alone to think about everything I just said.

I'm not even sure where I'm going to go right now. I expect to be back tomorrow morning once I know she's left for work, meaning we will probably have to really face everything once she gets home that night.

While standing stood on the side walk, I quickly remember that Billie is in New York since going to be on Jimmy Fallon this weekend, so I pull out my phone to shoot her a text.

Jayden: yooo call me when you can

After just a few minutes, my phone begins to vibrate and I answer.

"Hello?"

"Hi I just saw your text, is everything okay?" She asks.

"Uh yeah, I'll explain. Is it okay if I crash with you tonight?"

"Of course, I'll send you the address to my hotel." She replies, not asking any further questions.

"Thank you so much, I'll be there soon."

We say goodbye and then we both hang up. After the address comes through, I call for a taxi to take me there.

On the way to meet Billie, I think about how if this would have happened in LA, I could have just gone home to let off some steam, while Hailee would be at her own home. But we live together now, so it's difficult when something like this happens and we both need some time apart.

The taxi pulls up to the Hard Rock Hotel, where most guests who go on The Tonight Show stay. During the ride, Billie said she would meet me in the lobby so that we could go up to her room together. I walk through the doors into the lobby, and I immediately spot her. It's not hard to miss those green roots.

"Hi there." She says as I approach her.

"Hey." I say lightly as we fall into a long hug.

Just the simple act of someone hugging me already makes me feel comforted. Although I wish it was Hailee hugging me, Billie will do. She gives great hugs anyways.

"Thanks for agreeing to hang out." I tell her, and she laughs.

"Girl, agreeing? I would gladly hang out with you any day. We barely get to see each other with work anyways so when I saw your text I got really excited." She tells me, and we both smile.

I follow Billie to the elevators, and we take it all the way to the top floor since she has a suite. When she unlocks the door with her room key, it reveals a beautiful hotel room. I've stayed in many hotels over my career, but this had to be the nicest I've ever seen.

"This room is gorgeous holy shit." I say out loud, and she giggles. "There's literally a whole living room!"

Billie walks me through the place, showing me all the amenities it has to offer. Afterwards, we place ourselves on the nice couch. I end up explaining to her everything that happened, as well as ranting about just how I'm feeling in general.

"And then she said 'explain that one', like as if there was anything to explain?!" I tell Billie, and she shakes her head while smiling.

"That's straight up mean as hell." She replies.

"Thank you. Finally I feel heard."

We fall into comfortable silence, both processing the conversation we had.

"Does she know you're here?" Billie asks.

"No, I didn't tell her where I was going. Or when I was coming back."

"Well, don't let her find out you're here. I'm not sure she'll be too happy if that's how she reacted with Lizzie."

"It was just one time Bil, and it was so long ago." I answer back, laughing in between words.

"So she doesn't know about that one time?"

"No, never really brought it up."

"Hmm." Billie hums, a smile plastered on her face.

I look around the hotel room, looking for what to say next.

"Remember that one time you invited me over?" I bring up, and she raises her eyebrow.

"Yeah... what about it?"

"I think I'll take you up on that smoke offer now." I reply, and she smiles.

After grabbing the necessary supplies, we both head outside to the balcony. Thankfully we are on the highest floor so no one can really see us up here. Plus it was starting to get dark out, since the sun had already begun to set.

Billie and I continue talking, mostly laughing at things that aren't even funny. In this moment, everything feels okay. There are no worries on my shoulder, the thought of everything that happened earlier today disappearing temporarily. Right now, I'm just living in the moment with a close friend of mine. My thoughts have been so loud recently, and everything is just quiet. It's a feeling I forgot how much I liked, since it's been a while.

Once Billie and I were satisfied with our time outside, we decide to head back in.

"We both reek dude." Billie says, and we both burst out laughing.

"You can shower first, I don't mind." I reply, and she nods, heading to the bathroom.

While I wait for her to finish showering, I plant myself on the sofa to watch TV. I quickly remember how enjoyable watching TV high is, and I become zoned into the graphics the random show that's on has. A few moments later, Billie steps out of her room now in more comfortable clothes. Since the shower is available now, I decide to use it, quickly cleaning myself off. Billie lent me some comfortable shorts and one of her shirts, since the clothes that I came in weren't suitable for sleeping.

Instead of going back to sit on the couch, Billie invites me to hang out in her room. I look around at the large king sized bed, with clothes, luggage and other things around the room. Billie and I sit next to each other on the bed, our backs against the head board, both on our phones. While I'm scrolling through Twitter, a message pops up at the top of my screen.

"Did she just text you?" Billie asks, looking over my shoulder to see the message.

I tap on the notification to reveal a long message from Hailee.

Hailee: hey i know you probably don't even want to answer this or talk to me, which is okay and completely understandable, but i've been able to think about everything from today and yesterday and i just wanted to tell you i'm sorry. like truly sorry. i've been so stressed out and i shouldn't be taking it out on you, you're right. i should have never said what i said at the party, or what i said to you today, and i'm really upset at myself for that. not sure where you are right now but i hope you're safe and i hope to see you soon. love u, good night.

After reading over the message a few times, I analyze everything she said word for word. I know the apology is genuine, but I'm still hoping she apologizes to me in person whenever we see each other again.

"Seems legit to me." Billie says after reading the text.

I sigh after just liking the message with a heart, not even sure what to write back if I wanted to. Billie and I talk a little more before we both start to slowly fade out, our bodies begging for sleep.

"I'm gonna head to bed." I say while moving myself off the bed.

"Okay." Billie says as she watches me get up off the bed. "Where are you going?"

I turn around when I hear her ask that, a slight laugh escaping my mouth.

"I'm going to the couch, duh." I respond, as if it was obvious.

"You know you can sleep here." She suggests, and I shake my head.

"You know I can't."

"Hmm." She hums. "Well, if you change your mind you know where to find me. This bed is too big for just one person."

"Thank you, but I'm fine on the couch. Good night Billie." I answer back as I head out the door.

"Night Jay." She responds, and we smile at each other before I close the door to her room.

I plop my self on the couch horizontally. Thankfully this couch is large enough because since I'm tall, most couches don't allow me to lay down like this.

As the New York moonlight cascades through the windows of Billie's room, thoughts from this morning flood my mind. It makes me a little sad, but I try my best to push them away.

However, just like every night, no matter the circumstances, there's still only one thing I think about before my eyes finally close for the night...

Her.

3443 words

HEART not so heavy as mine,

Wending late home,

As it passed my window

Whistled itself a tune,—

A careless snatch, a ballad,

A ditty of the street;

Yet to my irritated ear

An anodyne so sweet,

It was as if a bobolink,

Sauntering this way,

Carolled and mused and carolled,

Then bubbled slow away.

- Emily Dickinson