Finally I arrive at home and the second I hear the door close I stay standing there, lost in a train of thought about everything that happened tonight. I feel almost paralyzed. I slowly begin to slide down the door, tears streaming down my face. I'm lost in the ocean that is my feelings.

Time and time again I'm broken down to pieces because of who I am. Why me? Why did I have to be born with this stupid body that has caused me so much pain? It affects so much of my life and there is quite frankly nothing I can do. My whole 25 years of existence has felt like a tug of war between X and Y.

And to make it worse I just left the awards in such a haste manner, it probably looked so rude. I didn't even get to say goodbye to Hailee, I just left here with that dry response. We were even supposed to talk tonight about our plans on Tuesday, but instead I am here, sitting on the floor sulking in my feelings.

It's now almost one in the morning, and in a last effort to try and redeem myself I decide to open my phone and press the little green icon.

Jayden: hey sorry about tonight, something came up and i had to leave. i know we were gonna talk tonight but you're probably asleep by now so um, i guess i'll say talk tomorrow? oh well, today actually since its 1am haha. anyways um, congrats again hailee, goodnight.

After pressing send, I decide to get up from off the floor and head to my room. I take a quick shower, changing my clothes afterwards.

The second I hit the pillow, I was out.

---

I consider myself a morning person, I always prefer to get things done earlier so I can enjoy myself for the rest of the day. This morning however, when I went to check the time I saw that I slept in until 11am. I quickly scan my phone through all the notifications, seeing that Hailee answered me back earlier.

Hailee: no worries jay call me when you wake up

Well I'm up now. Should I call her?

Sprawled across my bed, I listen to each dial tone, waiting for her to pick up. Just when I'm about to press end call, she answers.

"Hi Jay good morning." She answers plainly.

"Hey Hailee how are you? You were up early." I mention.

"Yeah, um, I couldn't really sleep much." She tells me, and I can't help but wonder if it was because of last night.

"Oh sorry to hear that um, are you feeling okay though? Tired?" I ask.

"I'm actually feeling pretty okay thanks for asking."

Silence creeps up again, as we both aren't sure what to say.

"Hey listen um I wanted to ask you something." She mentions to me.

"Go ahead." I say apprehensively, as I don't know what she wants to tell me.

"I um, know we had plans for tomorrow..."

Great. I already know she's about to cancel on me, and I wouldn't be surprised.

"I just wanted to ask if maybe... I can see you tonight? If not thats totally okay."

It takes me a few seconds to respond since her response was a complete 180 from what I expected it to be.

"Tonight? Oh um yeah, yeah we can do that." I say nervously, knowing I have less time to prepare mentally for seeing her tonight.

"Oh yay I was hoping you would say yes." She tells me.

"I'd love to see you tonight Hailee, I can pick you up we can grab a bite to eat? Tell me your favorite food."

"Don't laugh, but my favorite food would have to be cheeseburgers." She tells me while giggling.

"Oh well I know a really nice restaurant that has cheeseburgers-" I say before she cuts me off.

"Let's skip all that Jay. All the dinners and going out to nice restaurants. I just want to spend time with you and just you."

"Oh okay yeah, sure." I say while laughing. She's something else."

"I have an idea. Let's go to In and Out! Can we please go to In and Out?" She asks me like little child would.

"That sounds great, I'd love to get In and Out with you." I tell her. "I can pick you up at around 7? Is that okay for you?

"That's perfect Jay, I'll see you then." She tells me and I can almost hear her smile through the phone.

"Alright see you then. Bye Hailee."

"Bye!"

This is the last thing I would have thought I would be doing tonight. I lay in my bed with my phone pressed against my chest, staring at the ceiling, reminiscing the phone call and thinking about how she wants to see me tonight. As if she couldn't wait another day.

---

Hailee sent me her address earlier, and when I put it in maps, I realized we are only about a 15 minute drive from each other. So I leave my house at around 6:45 to get there right at 7. I take one last look in the mirror. I hope she likes my outfit, she's only really seen me in more fancy clothes. But you can't ever go wrong with converse and a flannel.

I check myself in the car mirror, and put my car into reverse and start to make my way. I put on my favorite playlist, but I plan on giving her access to the aux when she gets in. I want her to be able to listen to music she likes so she feels more comfortable.

Nearing her street, I check myself again for the thousandth time, and then send her a quick text that I'm here. Her house is really nice.

Jayden: im outside :)

Hailee: omg omw!

I look to the left out the window to watch when the door opens. A couple minutes go by and then I see her walk out the door, locking it behind her. Her outfit is so simple, yet so cute.

I get out of the car to greet her, and also so I can open the door for her. She runs up to me and engulfs me in a hug, which I wasn't expecting but I've noticed she's very touchy. How I missed her scent.

"Hi! How are you! I can't believe you're here!" She says while hugging me. I pull away from the hug to answer her.

"Hailee we made plans didn't we? Why are you surprised to see me you're so silly." I tell her while smiling.

"I know I know I'm just excited that's all." She tells me, her eyes sparkling.

"Well then, shall we go?" I ask, and she nods while opening the car door for her. I make sure not to close it until she is completely sat in my car.

"Here." I tell her while handing her the aux, and she plugs in her phone and starts to play her selected playlist. She has pretty good music taste. I start to drive to the nearest In and Out.

"So do you want to eat inside, or drive through? Honestly whatever you want." I ask her.

"Let's go through the drive through and eat it at a park. What do you think?"

"Oh um yeah I know a good park by here." I tell her.

"Okay yay. I just don't really want to be crowded by people."

We approach the drive through line and and comfortable silence lingers between us while we wait in the line.

"So tell me something about yourself Jay. Anything." She asks while looking at me, and I immediately become shy.

"Well um, I was born here, if that counts." I say, not knowing what interesting fact to bring up.

"So was I. We are both LA girls aren't we."

"Go, your turn." I flip the question on her.

"Let me think. Oh I know! I just got my ears pierced not too long ago, 2 years ago now? Yeah."

"Really? I've had mine pierced for as long as I remember. Why the wait?" I ask her, wanting to know why.

"My mom told me that she wanted me to be old enough to make my own decisions, and I've been indecisive my whole life so I kept pushing it back further, and the years piled up. But I did it, and it was a breeze. Now I get to wear these pretty things." She tells me while putting her hair behind her ears, showing me the small earrings she has on.

"They are really pretty Hailee, that's awesome. What your mom said, I mean."

"What about you? Your family?" She curiously asks.

My family is something I don't talk about much. My dad was never really around, haven't heard from him in so many years. I think it's almost better to tell people he passed away at this point, because that's exactly what it feels like. My mom however, is my world. She's been there with me through it all, she means so much to me. My dad got custody of my brothers, so I haven't seen them since I was small.

"Oh yeah my mom is cool too I guess, she's an old soul." I tell her, without mentioning anyone else.

Thankfully we pull up to the window, and we both order the same thing: a cheeseburger plain, with a side of fries. The only difference is that she gets a vanilla shake and I get a chocolate shake. Hailee offers me her card to pay, and I push it away and hand the employee my credit card. She jokingly get upset at me for not allowing her to pay.

The smell of fries fills the car as we drive to the park close by. We decide to just eat and talk in the car, with the music playing quietly in the car. When I reach to the end of the bag, I notice they included one of those little paper hats, so of course, I reach over to Hailee and place it on top of her head. She starts to giggle while looking at me. I decide its the perfect moment to take out my phone and snap a picture of her.

We continue talking and talking, telling stories and facts about each other. She tells me the story of how she knew she liked girls, and I tell my story as well. I'm glad she opened up to me about that, as I'm sure it's not easy to talk about since she only really discovered recently. She even admits to me that she has really little experience with women, and I noticed she started to become shy when mentioning it to me.

We almost don't notice it's 11pm, and I mention we should go back home soon, even though I don't want this night to end.

Approaching her house I get a little sad, I don't want to drop her off. I want to keep driving around and having fun. I walk her to her door.

"I haven't had a night like this in a while Jay, thank you." She tells me at her front porch.

"Yeah me either, I had a blast." I tell her honestly.

"We should.. maybe do this again sometime?" She tells me.

"Oh um yeah for sure, yeah." I say nervously.

"Oh before I forget here." I reach into my pocket and hand her the two tickets for Friday's game.

"Thank you wow, I can't wait." She tells me while looking into my eyes.

"No worries. I'll see you then?" I ask.

"See you then Jay. Text me when you get home okay?" She tells me with doe eyes.

"I will Hailee. Good night." I say while walking away.

From there, I drive home with a permanent smile plastered on my face.

What a night.

2002 words

Twas warm — at first — like Us —

Until there crept upon

A Chill — like frost upon a Glass —

Till all the scene — be gone.

- Emily Dickinson