I have this intense fear of rejection

Ever since I was a little girl and my daddy up and left me.

For years I blamed myself

Wondering why I wasn't good enough.

Trying to figure out

If I was just impossible to love.

Turning toxic on myself

And taking it out on every boy that fell for me.

Going crazy when they get too close

Trying to scare them away from me.

But as soon as they go,

And I no longer feel wanted- just defeated;

I pull them back to me

Because I can't stand it

when I feel rejected instead of needed.

I know it's sick

But I'll probably never beat this.

'Cause I've spent 30 years craving affection from a man

Who never wanted me to be his.

Thanks a lot, dad.

Look what you did.

Did you even feel bad for leaving me there?

Did your heart start to feel guilty

when you looked back in your rearview mirror?

I was 5 years old,

Face covered in tears,

As you pulled away with my brothers in the backseat

While I stood on that porch with my Barbie suitcase,

Confused and in tears.

You said that Girls belonged with their mothers

And then you turned around and walked away.

You knew that she wasn't fit to raise your daughter

But you let me suffer anyway.

Being fatherless my entire life

has taken a huge toll on me mentally.

You could never know the amount of pain I've suffered,

While I prayed that one day you would save me.

Did you wonder about me?

Did you ever wish that you had done things differently?

Did you ever wonder why I stopped inviting you to things?

I guess I didn't expect you to show up for me anyway,

So inviting you just to get let down

Wasn't a risk I was willing to take.

You never got to see me graduate.

You refused to walk me down the aisle at my first and only wedding.

You weren't there for the birth of any of my children.

They're growing up quickly and they've had lots of questions.

I never know what to say

So I change the subject; hoping they'll forget them.

That's pretty fucked up but I know one day

they'll understand that I was only trying to protect them.

Because if they ever got to know you,

You'd probably just let them down again and again.

It's sad that I view relationships based on the love that I never got from you.

How could I ever love a man,

When the only one I ever needed, was the one I never knew?

I don't expect you to understand.

But I wish you'd stop blaming me.

It was your responsibility to make me feel safe.

It was on you to love me, for me.

I can't listen to that lame excuse you always had,

That it was all mom's fault and you just couldn't find me.

'Cause you knew where to send the fucking checks each week.

And what was your excuse when I grew up and I tried to reach out to you?

You had years to make it right and you chose to push me to the side.

Now I should feel bad that you're dying?

Now I should want to apologize?

It was never on me to make my father want to love me.

You either do or you don't.

Judging from the silence these past 7 years,

I guess I already know.

I just always desperately needed to hold on to that hope.

But don't you worry,

I've been doing just fine on my own.

I still need a father,

But it's not you that my hand needs to hold.

I'll be okay without this.

I've gotten pretty good at being fatherless.