《Survivor's Guilt》chapter forty

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Yael wandered the penthouse, feeling restless. Haustin was scheduled on night shifts the next couple of days, and she found herself relieved at not having to deal with his emotional state as well as her own. Her mind dipped into forbidden territory, fretting over their relationship and if it'd gotten too serious too quickly. In her heart, she didn't believe three weeks was enough to genuinely know the person you dated, but she'd said it from the beginning—their bond went beyond conventional. She hoped the worst, and by that, she meant his breakdown, was past them.

When she wasn't obsessing over Haustin, her thoughts turned to Casey and the undeniable fact he'd burrowed under her skin. Dear Lord, she was a harlot with feelings for two men—and each of them brought out different sides of her. The part that scared Yael the most was she liked the version of her with Casey better. She was carefree, hopeful, confident, and looked to the future, not the past. Haustin, on the other hand, filled the constant aching hole inside her, a pit filled with her grief and loss and nightmares. Surely it wasn't the healthiest thing.

"Dammit." She rubbed her hands over her face.

If it weren't bad enough obsessing over two guys, there was also the Peter thing. Surely the man who helped her build sandcastles on the beach of her parents' Hampton home wouldn't do anything to hurt the family or the company? Yael wasn't sure anymore. Not after what Wendy told her yesterday. Bankrupt? Divorce? Arrests? It was like she'd been transported to the future in a lousy time-travel novel. And who was he paying large chunks of money to?

The lobby intercom buzzed, and she padded over to answer it, glancing at the clock on the stove. Who'd visit her at seven in the morning? Wendy and Haustin were allowed to pass right through to the elevator, Casey, too.

"Hello?"

"Miss Malkah," the doorman greeted. "I have a Veronica Hanson here to see you. Want me to send her up?"

She stared at the intercom's screen with furrowed brows. What was Veronica doing here?

"Absolutely."

Dancing in place as she waited for the elevator, Yael was torn between joy and trepidation. She felt guilty, which sounded ridiculous. There hadn't been as many meetings lately, even though she was doing great, but according to her sponsor, that bordered on dangerous territory. When you were up, there was a farther distance to fall.

The doors slid open, and Yael beamed at Veronica. She looked the same as she had when she dropped Yael at the airport and lectured her in the car for an hour, nearly causing her to miss the flight. Her light blond hair was dark at the roots, hitting her shoulders in wild waves. An avid lover of the outdoors and motorcycles, Veronica's skin possessed the tough, leather quality of years spent not caring about sunscreen and making her look older than thirty-seven. She wore her Harley jacket over an American flag shirt and jeans with a tiny tear in the knee. On her sponsor, the ensemble was stylish. Not many women could pull it off.

Rushing forward, Yael wrapped the stocky woman in a hug, surprised at the tears that materialized. Her embrace was returned just as fiercely. When they separated, Veronica smiled at her.

"What are you doing here?" Yael asked.

Veronica's lips pursed slightly. "Do you not know what day it is?"

Yael paused, calculating, then gasped. "I can't believe I forgot."

"One year is a big deal, Yael. I wasn't going to miss it for the world." Her gaze narrowed. "You doing okay?"

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"Yes," she answered, taking the duffel from her grasp and pulling her sponsor over to the breakfast bar, then beginning the process of making the tea. "It's been hectic, which I know you'll say is bad, but I haven't felt this content and strong in a very long time." She paused. "Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration. There's some stuff going on at work, and Miriam is in bad shape. The doctors say it could be any day now, and I'm not sure if I'm ready."

"You will be." Veronica reached for a muffin from the tin on the counter. "I have to admit, I wasn't sure what to expect coming here, but you look great. Happy."

"I am."

"And the baking?" A knowing tone filled her question.

"I am doing more than I ever have. It keeps my mind occupied and lets me digest my worries or stress without rocking in the corner craving a needle."

Veronica nibbled the blueberry muffin. "God, you're good."

"I've missed you." Veronica had become her sponsor after her second rehab stint three years ago. She stuck with Yael during the worst of her addiction, never giving up. Along the way, they'd also become friends. Not even Wendy knew the darkest moments of Yael's life in those eighteen months between rehab number two and rehab number three, but Veronica did. "I'm sorry I haven't been in touch as often as I promised. A lot has happened the last week."

"Tell me."

"Well, the hardest part is watching my grandmother take a turn for the worse. Sitting beside her bed, waiting, I came to terms with a lot of my guilt and cowardice. She and I made peace, and we've grown closer." Her chin quivered. "She gave me her blessing to open a bakery and not have any involvement with my family's company other than public functions."

"Before or after you called me to pack up your stuff and send it?"

"After. Does it matter?"

"No, just curious." She accepted her mug of tea. "Did you get the boxes?"

"Yeah. The pitiful amount shows how much I'd cut myself off from everything. Short of a few pictures of you and Wendy, there was nothing personal."

"What about this guy? Haustin?"

"It's been rough. He had an epiphany of sorts, hit what I hope is his rock bottom. Weirdly, I'm sort of acting as his sponsor, another aspect I'm sure you will object to."

"What matters is if you're comfortable in the position. It's a natural step to help others, one we encourage, and you relate to him better than a stranger would. He'll benefit from it. But will you?"

Yael considered it. "Maybe. I remember being where he is, and I want to help him with the tough times I know are coming."

"Just be safe. Any other friends?"

The smile bloomed before Yael had a chance to stop it.

"Your face just lit up. Who are you thinking about?"

"Casey." Yael bit her lip.

She watched Veronica struggle to digest the information. Relationships weren't necessarily taboo, just discouraged, and here she was admitting to two. Well, more like one and a half, she hadn't revealed anything about Casey. Really.

"You're kidding?"

"Nope."

"What aren't you telling me?"

"We're just friends. I love him, but not like that."

"Are you sure?"

Yael's smile slipped as she thought about it. "No."

"You never were one for following the rules." Veronica shook her head. "So tell me about Bachelor Number Two?"

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Shifting under Veronica's stare, Yael made herself look her sponsor in the eye. "I work with him. He's the CEO of Malkah Enterprises. He is light versus Haustin's stormy darkness. Supportive and less volatile. He also has no clue I carry any kind of torch for him."

"Does he return the feelings?"

"Pretty sure."

"And, what are you going to do?"

"Move back to California?" Yael joked. Veronica didn't crack a grin at all. "Honestly, I have no idea. I don't know how to budge on either side of the coin. Maybe Casey isn't looking for a tractor-trailer's worth of baggage. What if I leave Haustin and he regresses? I go over it all in my head a few times a day."

"And this is why we discourage relationships. You're worried about them, not yourself. Don't let guilt or fear keep you from reaching your goals. Do what makes Yael happy."

"I'm glad you're here," Yael told her, not acknowledging her wise advice and the obvious choice it meant.

"We've been through a lot together. A lot. You would've been able to get your one-year chip at any meeting, but I wanted to be the one to do it. Any ideas?"

"Something simple. I'd like my grandmother to see it." She didn't have to think twice. "And maybe Haustin, to give him hope. I can call Wendy, too, see if she's free."

"What about this Casey character?"

She pictured all the important people in her life and, besides Miriam, Casey's proud smile was the one she wanted to see the most. Wow. She was in trouble. "Yes, him too. How long are you here?"

"Today. Took the red-eye and have a flight back tomorrow morning."

"You'll stay here," she said matter-of-factly.

"Letting your grandmother be a part of the ceremony is good. Proud of you."

"Come on, I'll show you your room, and I'll get ready. Miriam is more energetic in the mornings, and Haustin is off work at nine. He'll be tired, but he won't want to miss this, and I'll text Casey right now."

Two hours later, after a long catch-up session on the bed in Veronica's room, Yael met her in the living room, wearing a tank top and maxi skirt. She didn't stop the smirk from twisting her lips. Her sponsor may have showered and changed, but the outfit remained mostly the same; jeans and t-shirt. Walking to Miriam's, they continued their conversation.

"Have you been to Ground Zero?"

Yael frowned. Veronica wasn't afraid to ask the hard questions, one of the reasons she was good at what she did.

"I haven't. Haustin has offered to go with me a couple of times. It's where he had his breakthrough, or whatever you call it, well, across the street at a firehouse. Anyway, he carries severe survivor's guilt. Why he was alive when the other firefighters died, that sort of thing, always believing he could have done more. He told them all goodbye that night, let it go. So far, there's a huge difference in him, and I'm more curious now about going." She sighed. "I want to let go of it all. One of my biggest obstacles is not knowing what happened to my parents, where they were when they died, if any remains were recovered."

"What do you mean?"

"There are over eleven hundred people still listed as missing because either nothing was recovered of their bodies or there were only pieces, some too small to produce viable DNA."

"Shit. Still?"

"Yeah. It's a continuing nightmare. For instance, Haustin has a friend who had to retire from the fire department because he has cancer, cancer directly linked to working at Ground Zero for months afterward." Yael glanced at Veronica. "I'm avoiding the conversation with Miriam about my parents' remains."

"Do it before it's too late. This could be your final step towards closure."

They approached the townhouse right as Wendy strode up from the other direction. Yael stood to the side and watched her embrace Veronica. She owed her life to these two. It wasn't until this moment, seeing them together, that the full weight of the occasion hit her. She had made it one year, beginning with her final day of rehab, dead sober, her longest stretch yet. No relapses and a hell of a lot of hard work. And they were responsible for it, more than her.

"Deep in thought?"

Wendy's question startled her, and she shared some of what she was feeling.

"You two saved my life." Her throat closed up, clogged with emotion. "This is an important day, but I'm here because of you guys never giving up on me and dragging me from the jaws of death."

Wendy wiped at her cheeks, and she swore she heard Veronica sniff. Impossible. The woman was a rock.

"We are at your one-year anniversary because of yourself. You are stronger than you believe," her best friend said thickly.

"She's right. We may have yanked and yelled and annoyed you, but you did this. No one else. Be proud of it." She found herself trapped in Veronica's hazel stare. "This is monumental, considering the state you were in twelve short months ago. One of the worst cases I have ever seen."

"Regardless, thank you."

Haustin chose that moment to pull up to the curb in this truck. Wearing his usual FDNY t-shirt and broken-in jeans, he looked good. Forgetting the others, she let him wrap her in his arms.

"Why didn't you tell me you were at your year mark? I knew it was coming up, but you never mentioned it," he said so only she could hear.

She met his gaze. "Honestly? I forgot."

"What am I going to do with you?"

"I have suggestions." She threaded her fingers with his, confused as ever with how she could feel this warm with him and still have someone else on the brain. "Haustin, this is Veronica, my sponsor."

"Good to meet you," he said, shaking her hand. "I'm guessing it's not normal procedure to fly three thousand miles to present this chip."

"No. Only for special circumstances." She eyed him. "I've heard a lot about you."

He chuckled. "I apologize."

As Wendy drew him inside, she hung back with Veronica. Her heart hammered in her chest, and her palms grew damp. Idly, she traced her tattoo.

"Nervous?"

"It didn't hit me until a few minutes ago how big this was. My anniversary used to feel so far away, and now it's here. I don't recognize who I was this time last year, but that woman is never far from me. Her voice still materializes in my mind. She's just easier to ignore these days."

Veronica cupped her cheek. "Enjoy this. You sure as hell deserve it." They walked up the steps. "Your firefighter is quite an eyeful. What about the other one?"

"He's inside with Miriam already, I think." She felt heat flood her face. "He's not bad on the eyes either."

Wendy waited in the hall outside Miriam's room, an amused expression on her face.

"What?" Yael asked her.

"Funny, after all this time, she still calls me 'that liberal friend'. She's a hell of a woman."

A burst of male laughter drifted from the room, and the three of them leaned around the corner to see Haustin perched on one side of Miriam's bed, gently holding her hand in his, and Casey standing on the other side, shaking his head in mirth at something Miriam had probably said. A flush rested in the older woman's cheeks, and she gazed at her two masculine visitors with a mischievous grin. There they were. The men who held Yael's heart. What a cliché she'd become. She needed to do something. Soon.

We are in end game! Only a handful of chapters from completion! What do you think will happen?

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