I didn't like to talk about her often. Many people didn't realize she was a missing piece, probably because there were so many holes in my life, it was hard to pick what each one was.

My favorite game to play when it came to her, was to play pretend. I pretended that she didn't affect me how she did, I pretended she was never in my life to begin with, I pretended I had no memory of her even though I truly did. I hid everything away in the deepest pits of my own mind, to keep people from seeing my suffering.

I became rather good at it too.

That's why when it came to the time of year where I'd think about her the most, I made sure to refocus my mind on absolutely anything else to keep people from being suspicious. It was easier when I was high.

The one thing that I didn't realize I'd have to come to terms with was a person who didn't let me hide my emotions like I desperately begged to. Tyler was easy, he knew the times where it was best to leave me be, and he knew the times where it was appropriate to not ask me questions. He respected my insanity.

My beautiful girlfriend, was the complete opposite. What's worse was that she seemed to know me better than my own best friend these days. It was disturbingly terrifying.

All morning, I stayed in my room. I contemplated playing piano to take my mind off things, I contemplated picking up my dusty guitar, I contemplated drugs, but I decided against all of them.

I continued pacing inside my room, unsure what to do with myself. I hated today. How desperately did I want to keep still but my body decided against it, willing me to constantly move, as if it was frantically trying to release the pain in my body.

I wanted to have another smoke, but I already ate about nine of them today. I'd probably finish the whole pack, if not two by the time this day was over. I sighed and finally sat down on my bed and rested my head in my hands. My legs continued to jitter. I felt sick.

I didn't even hear the knock on my door; She didn't seem to do that often anymore.

"Eli?" Did she ever have an angelic tone to her.

"Hey," I lifted my head finally and plastered a smile. I did my best, but I knew it was weak.

Aria walked up to me, cautious. "Are you okay?"

"Just an off day, is all," I said, a poor attempt to change the subject. Sometimes it frustrated me that I couldn't mask myself as well around her anymore.

"Why is that?" She asked and crouched down in front of me, her face now below mine.

I gave a one sided smile. "So many questions," I quietly replied.

Her hands found their way to my knees, her smile was warm. "So many barriers," She countered. She stood up suddenly and started walking around my room. A soft sigh followed by a hum came out of her mouth. "That's okay," She decided. "I can always figure it out on my own."

I lifted my head and let my eyes follow her wandering body around my room. She had a way to amuse me easily even in the darkness. But I will admit, her poking around was making me nervous.

She walked over to my stereo and tapped the black plastic. "Perhaps writers block?"

I remained quiet.

She walked over to my desk that was scattered with various scribbled papers. She lifted one up and investigated my writing. I used to hate that. "Seems like you have plenty of words to write."

I kept my silence, but momentarily smiled at her playful attitude.

She made her way to my closet and snooped my clothing. She picked up my white hoodie and frowned for a second. Then slipped it over her small frame and let it engulf her. "Your laundry seems to be done. Smells good. I've never seen you wear white before..."

That was because I've never worn that hoodie a day in my life. From the looks of it, I now never will.

She left my closet doors and lifted her finger up. I raised an eyebrow as she wandered to my walk-in bathroom and peeked her head inside. "I'm surprised that this room is clean, to be quite honest." She swiveled her body around and faced me. I watched her intently, eyes trained on her image. I wanted her mouth - but not for talking.

"I'm running out of ideas," She admit with a sheepish smile.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Then stop guessing."

Her eyes shifted from curiosity to something else. "Should I be worried?"

I frowned. "No," I asserted.

She turned her head to one side of my room and let her eyes investigate the frames on my walls, then turned to the other side and did the same thing. She raised her eyebrows for a moment and walked towards me.

Finally, no more talking.

She stopped short in front of me and let her hand wander towards my bedside table. I didn't dare move my eyes away from hers even though I desperately wanted to. She shifted her gaze and lifted up a picture frame.

"She was a beautiful woman," Her voice, soft. "Your one green eye is the same shade as hers. She had gorgeous eyes."

My other eye color belonged to a monster.

Aria turned the frame around and faced it in front of me. A forceful attempt to face my demons. She tapped the edge of the frame and cocked her head to the side. I kept my intention of a poker face, the hardest I've tried in a long time. When her eyes glinted with satisfaction, I knew she caught me.

"Stop investigating me," I mumbled and propped my hands behind me, leaning back.

She kneeled in front of me again with the frame still clasped in her small hands. "Is this what's upsetting you?"

I raised an eyebrow. "I'm not upset."

She frowned and set down the picture back on my bedside. "You're a bad liar."

I knew it shouldn't have hurt me, but I felt insulted. I thought I was really good at hiding.

"Do we have to talk about it?" I asked with a hint of humor in my voice. I just wanted a distraction.

"We don't," She said with a pep in her voice. I was shocked. "But I'd like to. I think you want that deep down too."

I sighed. I should've went out for that cigarette. "Aria," I whined. When she remained silent, I realized how annoying it was when I did that to her. "Fine," I huffed. "I've just been thinking about her a lot today."

"Why?"

"Because she died."

She stood in front of me and placed her hands on her hips. "I know?"

I gave a faded smile. "I meant she died today. On this day."

Her body moved again and she sat beside me. "Oh, Eli."

"It's been twenty years. I know she died when I was young and I barely have any memories of her, but it still affects me. I know it shouldn't." I mumbled.

"It should," She countered, "It doesn't matter how old you were or how long ago it was, Eli. Think about it, she was the last and only person who was a parental figure towards you. She was the only one that showed you pure love when you were a child."

My eyes dipped to the floor. "I just miss her sometimes. I miss that feeling."

Her hands found mine, I instinctively held them. "You could always find it in other places. I don't mean to replace her, but to accept more."

I glanced in her direction. She was so pretty. "I know," I said almost cynical. "I used to think that I would hate her to see who I became, and the terrible things I was up to. She'd be so ashamed of me. But lately, all I wish is that she could see how I was doing, and how hard I was trying."

A soft sound came from her throat. "She's watching over you, Eli. Everyday, she is."

I offered a sincere look. "If she did, she'd be so proud of the girl I've managed to score." I brought her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her and nuzzling the side of her neck. Her skin was hot on my face, it was clear she was flushed. "She'd warn me not to mess up a good thing with a girl who could put up with my bullshit," I mumbled against her skin. "Meu tesouro."

Her hand pet my hair. "What does that mean?" She asked, quiet.

I squeezed my arms around her and pulled us backwards onto my bed. "It means shh. Just lay here for a bit with me."

"Do you really mean all of that?" She asked. "What you just said?"

"I do."

"Do you have any pieces of her with you?" She said after a moment of her own thoughts.

I played with a strand of her hair, letting it ravel and unravel around my fingers. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She gave me a soft noise. "I meant like her ashes, or a perfume bottle, maybe her favorite hobby. Anything that belonged to her."

"I was four, Aria. I haven't even had the chance to visit her grave since she's passed."

"Maybe you should."

I frowned and stopped playing with her hair for a moment. "I don't think so."

"Why?"

"It's too painful. I don't know if I could go back to England where I grew up with her."

"When you're ready... If you're ever ready, I will go with you. I'll stand with you and help you through it. You might feel tranquil with closure," She whispered, and I knew she was on to something. I was grateful for her.

I kissed the top of her head. "I... Hm... Thank you, pretty girl," I whispered.

It was finally quiet. The interrogation was finally over. I could finally focus on just her and her touch. My mind was unusually quiet too. Was this peace? Could I finally do what I've been craving to?

"Your room is unusually clean," She mumbled against my shirt.

It never lasts long with her.

I let a low chuckle out. "I had a lot of free time today."

I sprawled my hands against her back, letting her warm the ice of my skin. I could lay here all day and all night. My mom would be proud to see that I wasn't fiending for a fix.

"May twenty-ninth, I'll have to keep that in mind," She reflected.

"You don't have to," I mumbled into her hair.

Her hands found my neck and it gave me shivers. I didn't want to talk.

"Should I expect a perfectly clean room every year?" She teased.

I groaned. "Come," I moved away from her and got off the bed.

"What?" She scooted up with a bitten lip.

"Lets go do something, get out of the house. Maybe we can grab some groceries and I'll cook you something tonight."

She sprung from the bed and walked to the door with me. "Are Ty and Lace going to be here tonight?"

We both walked to the door of my place, my keys clutched in my hands. "Yes." But I didn't necessarily want them to be. "I was thinking your place tonight." It was quiet there.

Her eyes met mine for a moment. "Oh. Okay," She smiled. "Tacos?"

A sincere smile formed on my face. I usually liked to be alone but that was the absolute last thing I wanted. "Anything you want, I'll give to you."

She didn't pick up on the literal context of my comment. Happily, she opened the door and made her way to my truck. It was mostly cleaned, thanks to Tony practically begging to wash the paint off for me. I think he was feeling guilty after all that's happened. There was just a bit of purple still on the door, which I guess was a nice reminder.

She mentioned years ahead of us together.

The grocery store was small and I was relieved that there wasn't a lot of people there. Less eyes. Sometimes I drove out of town to grab groceries to avoid the close corridors of the town. I missed the days where I hired people to run my errands for me; I hated to shop.

I held the basket while we grabbed what we needed for dinner. The only thing she didn't have was cheese and meat. She was walking close beside me, a hand trailing up and down my back as I grabbed the food. Comforting.

"I want to get a new candle while we're here," She announced as we approached an area filled with random assortments of nik naks and candles.

"Okay," I agreed. As she walked away from me, I hooped my hand around her wrist and stopped her in her tracks. "Wait," I mumbled. Before she spoke, I held her by her elbow and pulled her in for a kiss. That's all I wanted.

With a smile, she disappeared a little ways away towards her own paradise of scents.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my smokes. Only two left.

"Aria?" My ears perked at the sound of an unfamiliar voice.

"Hey," Aria replied with a hint of surprise and friendliness. "How's class?"

The lady talking to Aria was tall, ginger. I didn't really recognize her but Aria seemed to know her. Perhaps work related?

Approaching the cash, I set down my items and pulled out my phone to check my messages while waiting for her. Tyler checked in to see how I was doing today all things considered. I suppose I was doing alright... Better than I was at least.

I kept my eyes on the screen of my phone while the cashier bagged my items. Lacey texted me a yellow heart. A ray of sunshine, she was.

It wasn't until the ginger spoke my name that I started to actually pay attention to their conversation. "Eli Kingsley is here, I feel so uncomfortable... I didn't know he shopped here," She spoke with judgement.

It was the only decent grocery store in town.

Paying, I took the bags without a word and retreated towards a bench nearby. I didn't sit down though, I was on too much edge. Shawn messaged that the boat I was working on was looking good. Tony asked to hang out. I couldn't be bothered to reply. I was now on alert, waiting to be caught.

"Why's that?" Aria asked, her usual curious tone.

Please don't take the bait, love...

"I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time with him lately. You might want to be careful," She warned which made me frown at my screen. She had nerve.

"He's not a bad person, Mona."

"He's a criminal," She hissed. "Did you know that he put someone in the hospital last year? Did you know he's in a gang?"

My hands began to tighten against my phone. It was only a matter of time before I knew this would happen. Aria already knew about that though, little did ginger girl know. The town continuously painted me in a poor light, now dragging those I cared about into the fire.

They should be worried by my presence.

"Mona-"

"I'm just saying to be careful. Don't get on his bad side, Aria, you'll end up very hurt. He's dangerous." Mona continued on, coaxing my girlfriend into running away.

I wasn't a fan of being talked about. My blood was beginning to boil. I still carried a knife with me, I could easily pull it out and prove how dangerous I could become. It wasn't as if I hadn't used it before.

I glanced towards the two for a moment, Aria had a very annoyed look on her face while she held two large candles in her small hands. "That was a long time ago. He's not the same person," She defended. Hm...

"That's what that Lacey Miller girl says too. She got a little too close to him and he hurt her too, you know. I can never understand how in the world she forgave him. He deserves to go back to jail." Mona spat, stepping closer to Aria.

Aria had a look on her face, shock and uncertainty was it? Disgust?

Fuck.

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and walked up to the girls. I don't think Mona realized how close I was in hearing range. As I approached, Mona's eyes began to widen as she stepped away from Aria. I couldn't help but keep my glare, which only made her coward away further.

"I'll see you..." She mumbled before turning on her heel and stocking away.

My eyes followed her back, my jaw uncontrollably clenching, hard enough to break my molars.

A hand slid up the side of my face and rested there. "Hey," Aria spoke with a gentle voice.

I moved out of her touch and dropped my dead eyes to hers. They softened when our eyes locked but only slenderly.

"Drop the look, Eli. She's gone." She spoke as her hand slid down to my chest.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry."

I truly was. The last thing I ever wanted to happen was for people to start judging her for being with me. She didn't deserve the constant baggage. I didn't want to scare her or involve her in my shit.

"Come," She took my free hand.

The two of us exited out of the store and I hopped in the driver's side of my truck. The ginger watched us leave, as did a few others. I didn't waste time with turning the ignition - I really needed to get out of there. The drive back was quiet but my thoughts were blaring.

I never told Aria everything about my past. I should've expected that words would get back to her when we started dating. I know what she must be thinking - If I hurt my best friend, I could easily hurt her too. And it's true; But I never would. I frowned, instant anger coming back to me. I was a criminal, a loose cannon. I have bruised people. I'm still capable.

Fucked up as it was, I loved blood and I went after it often.

But never hers.

I turned and parked my truck in front of her house and sighed. It was quiet for too long. When I turned to her, she was already observing me.

"How often do people approach you because you're with me?" I asked, restrained.

"More often than not."

I shook my head. "Fuck sake," My voice filled with indignant.

"It's okay," She said, strong. "I know the truth. It doesn't matter what other people think of you. You're a changed person, you're trying. That's enough for me," Her forehead furrowed.

"It's not enough," I growled. I was irritated. "Why haven't you asked me about what happened between Lacey and I yet?"

She needed to realize who I really was. I was pissed that I had to keep reminding her.

She didn't reply like she normally would. She was silent and it was becoming deafening.

"Are you scared yet?"

"No," She impassioned. "I'm not."

I frowned. "You should be. How could you not be?"

She sighed and turned her body towards me. "Because it's not you. Everyone has a past, Eli. Lacey forgives you and trusts you. You've made plenty of mistakes but it doesn't excuse who you are today."

"No," I asserted. "Before I was sent away..." I sighed, death gripping the wheel. I wanted to scream. "I was mixing some drugs while drinking like I always did. I always did. It was the same night that I put Tony in the hospital. I was hallucinating and paranoid." I forced my leg to stop bouncing up and down. "I didn't know where I was, who anyone was... I didn't even know who I was. And I came home to hide because I thought everyone was after me. I thought Nash... Lacey was home and I thought she was one of them." I closed my eyes. The image of Lacey crying started to play in my mind, her body against the wall, begging me to let her go.

"I almost killed her. I pinned her against the wall and actually almost killed her. I screamed at her, accusing her of going against me. I punched a hole in the wall beside her. I didn't physically harm her. But I almost did. Eventually I let her go and I don't really remember what happened after that. I blacked out, but I scared her to no end."