Chapter Twenty: Ambivalence

Thursday was the day. The day I finally decided to clean the mess I created, at least the holes in the wall and crumbled drywall on the floor. The booze, I cleaned days ago to rid the awful smell.

It was a good today, mentally. Having the time to myself, helped me reflect on my life choices. I was choosing the wrong answer for so long that it was clear. I choose happiness.

The clothes I was wearing, a simple V-necked white shirt and jeans, I didn't care about ruining. Grey paint that matched my walls somehow ended up on my arms and pants and plaster for the drywall was placed out accordingly.

The music was loud, loud enough to blare out the noises around me, loud enough to blast out my thoughts. The one thing that kept me going on with the chore of fixing my room was the sound of music and the idea of a fresh start.

I frowned at the wall and suddenly felt off. When I turned around, my bones practically jumped out of my skin. There she was, standing in her usual spot, in the door frame of my room.

"Aria?" I stood up and faced her.

The moments before she smiled felt like ages. But when she did, I was reassured that she was happy to see me. I couldn't help myself but to return the smile and rush over to her. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly which sparked a sense of relief.

She returned the hug. "Hi."

I grabbed the remote out of my back pocket and lowered the music. "How long have you been standing here?"

A sly smile played on her lips. "Longer than you might think."

I chuckled with uncertainty.

"You're cleaning," She glanced around my room and landed on my arms.

I shrugged. "Taking some responsibility in my actions."

"How mature of you." She smirked.

My smile fell quick at the realization that I never explained myself. "Aria. That phone call the other day, it wasn't what you think."

Her blue eyes lightened. "I know."

"It was Tyler's little sister, she was just being childish-"

"Eli, I know."

I paused for a moment. "You never responded to my messages."

She followed me to the wall I was working on just moments before. "Before Lacey explained what happened, I already knew that phone call was a little... Weird."

"It was more than weird." I muttered. It was downright disturbing. The fact that Zoey had the audacity to even attempt something like that was odd.

"Ultimately, I figured that I should give you your space. Lacey said it was something you were desperate for so I thought I'd leave you be for a bit." She squatted beside me while I finished the wall. I wondered if Lacey told her about Zoey's crush.

"What are you doing here then?" I asked.

Her big, blue eyes twinkled in joy and her expression was unreadable, but she remained quiet. Instead she moved away from me and walked around my room.

I wasn't a fan of people going through my things.

I continued to work on the wall, careful to not let it dry uneven. It was my last patch. "You'd be surprised to hear that I was worried then." I said, facing away from her. "But I appreciate the gesture."

I observed this about her. She liked to look around my things often, letting her curiosity get to her. I've caught her do it a few times now, and after calling her out, she admit she was having a hard time figuring me out. Good luck, was all I returned. It was a cute trait. I noticed that she snooped exceptionally hard when she had something on her mind.

"You know. I have never heard music like this before."

I paused plastering the wall.

"Kingsley. Isn't that your last name?"

Before I could react, her body was already at the CD player and the disc was propped perfectly in between her fingers. I stood up and rushed over to her but she stepped away from me with a wide grin.

"Give it." I order.

"This is you!"

Her eyes were fixated on the disc in her hands as if she just found a treasure chest. I remain in a standing position, frozen.

"Aria," I muttered.

I had forgotten that I was playing music that I wrote. I had forgotten that she had ears which were more than capable to listen to it. It was an exposed feeling that I didn't like. Did she like what she was hearing? She said she hasn't heard music like this. Was that a bad thing?

My face flattened. Fine.

"What uh, do you think?" I asked, suddenly feeling... Unsure. I wonder how I'd handle rejection.

"It's dark."

I stared at her, keeping still.

"It's gloomy. Very depressing." She said, as if she was reading the words right off the disc.

She must think I was always like this. Maybe I was. "I wrote it this week." I mumbled. "You know."

"Ah," She nodded. "Did you write lyrics or is it only instrumental?"

"Uh. I have written lyrics." I wanted to turn around and face the other way from her. I wasn't the best when it came to music, but through her reactions, I guess I didn't realize how awful I was.

"Why aren't they on the disc?" She demanded. "Also who still uses discs?" She smirked.

"I don't know." I answered honestly, then narrowed my eyes. "I guess they were a little too much to be listened to out loud."

She nodded again. Her lack of emotion and answers made me uncomfortable. It was so out of character. Surely, I had to have scared her off.

"So?" She finally looked up from the circle mirror in her hands.

"So?" I repeated.

"Where's the lyrics?"

I began to bite my inner lip. "Yeah, that's not happening."

Her face turned a frown. "Pardon?"

Maybe she was also not used to the word no.

I smirked.

It wasn't a surprise that she didn't care whether I said yes or no. She swiftly turned her body around and started to rummage through my items.

I stood there, stunned at her bravery. Someone who didn't walk on eggshells around me... Bold.

She picked up a crumpled piece of paper. "Aha!" She flattened it out with her hands.

I stepped toward her and she moved back, a grin on her face. "Aria-" I said.

"There isn't an ounce of medicine that could cure the thoughts inside my head..." She read aloud.

I cleared my throat. "Aria."

She ignored me.

"I should have listened to-"

I snatched the paper out of her hands. I couldn't contain the dark expression cascading on my face.

"Eli," She whispered.

"You like to push my buttons." I glanced at her.

"Challenge you, you say?" She gave a small grin. "Don't be shy about your work. They hold a lot of meaning."

"I'm not ready to show you everything that goes on up here." I motioned to my head.

"Do you think you could ever play me a song in person? This song?" She insisted.

I sighed out loud. Why would she possibly want to read that? "So what are you really doing here?"

Her frown returned, the same way a child would frown when they ran out of their favorite snack. "I'm leaving."

I sharply inhaled. Leaving? Where would she be going? "Oh."

"Only for a couple days, to see my... Family." She didn't contain the urge to roll her eyes. Poor girl, I hated to see her frustration.

"And you thought you'd ask my permission before going?" I gave a sarcastic remark.

"I thought I'd just see how you were doing." She retorted. "Is it so wrong that I care about you?"

It most definitely was.

Something switched in her expression. She wasn't playful, jolly. Her eyes almost looked like glass, hardening and cold. Her body language wasn't relaxed but rather frozen.

Then it clicked.

She looked just how I looked when something was brought up that I didn't want to face.

"You know," I started, hoping for her to look up at me. "I haven't gone outside and into the real world in a few days. Did you want to go out for lunch with me?"

I frowned at her changing expression. It wasn't happy, ecstatic even. Her eyes were twinkling with water. I had made her cry. The absolute last thing I wanted to happen.

"Or not," I mumbled.

I didn't know what to do. I must have offended her somewhere. Maybe I should have let her read my song.

"I would love to." She smiled, sheepish.

I blew out a gust of relief.

"Geez, sorry," She shook herself off, her entire body. She gave a reassuring smile and returned back to herself. "Yes. I would love some food, I'm starving."

"Alright then." I nodded and gave her a small smile. Before exiting my room, I threw on a sweater to look a little less of a mess.

"You're alive," Tyler appeared out of the corner of the house, a sarcastic grin on his face.

Yes, I was alive.

I lowered my eyelids.

"We're going to get lunch!" Aria excitedly announced. "Care to join us?"

Tyler glanced from Aria to me.

Silently, I gave him a nod and the most discreet smile.

He broke into a smile while shaking his head. "Nah, I ate already. You seem to be in a better head space, E." He said, while keeping a gaze on Aria.

Did I miss something?

Forgetting it, "Did you pick a day yet?" I asked.

"May sixth." He nonchalantly replied.

I smiled. That couldn't be a more romantic day. "Aha."

"That's so far away," Aria puffed her lower lip out.

"It's perfect." I grabbed his shoulder. "Who knew you could be so cheesy, bud." I teased.

"Yeah, yeah. Shut up." Tyler laughed. "I figure I'd get romantic brownie points. That day changed my life."

"I don't get it." Aria frowned. "What's in May?"

"You'll have to find out when the day comes." Tyler said, whimsical.

"But-"

"Nope," I cut in. "C'mon," I grabbed her shoulders and guided her toward the door.

Aria wouldn't ruin a surprise, but it was best she knew little details until the day. Considering Lacey was her best friend, afterall.

Her pout persisted but before she had a chance to pull an Aria and coax him into telling her, I opened the door and practically shoved the two of us out.

*

She downed her third cup of coffee and gnawed on her fourth chicken wing. She shivered with pleasure at the taste and stared at the bottom of the cup.

"More?" I asked, awestruck. No wonder she was always full of energy.

"I'm leaving for the airport at three in the morning." Her timid smile appeared.

I handed her the napkin and smirked at her sticky fingers. "You don't seem the most happy."

"Oh, believe me, I'm not." She shook her head.

In an attempt to lighten her mood, I figured it'd be best to not talk about her parents. They seemed to be a trigger for unpleasant emotions.

"You'll be seeing your brother, he must be excited to see you." I said.

A wide smile stretched on her lips. "We have plans to visit San Francisco while I'm down."

"That sounds like a fun time." I gestured towards the waitress. "Another round of coffee please," I gently murmured.

The waitress recognized me, giving me a not friendly smile on return.

"We're going to go on the cable car and tour around the area." She mouthed the words thank you when the waitress returned with a fresh pot. Her eyes lit up when the pot was left at the table.

"I've been there once, it's got nice views," I muttered. Her eyes wandered and her thoughts increased. "Hey, what's your brother's name again?" I liked the way she seemed more excited to visit her hometown at the mention of her brother. She needed to take her mind off the negatives.

"Miles."

"You two seem very close."

She sighed and pushed away her chicken bones. "We are. We were there for each other a lot while growing up, you know? Sometimes, when the house got a little too loud, we'd sneak out on the roof of the house for peace and quiet." She fidgeted with her coffee cup. "Other times, when the house was too quiet, he'd talk to me. About whatever I wanted. He'd even play barbies with me even though he's four years older than me and he was too old to enjoy it."

I smiled but it came with a frown. Some of the things she mentioned, reminded me of a glimpse of my past. It was unsettling. Her behaviors were genuine and honest. She was set with a heavy heart.

"What um... Why would it be too loud sometimes?" I asked, unsure. I didn't want to upset her further, but a growing sense of distress of her visiting her family took over.

"My father is particular." She shrugged and fixated an ambivalent expression. "If things didn't go his way, he'd make sure to let you know about it."

I remained still.

"He's just controlling."

"Right. How would he show you?" I hadn't noticed that my fists were balled up.

She laughed. "Multitudes of ways. Taking away my credit card for a week because he thought that I depended so much on it." She rolled her eyes. "Or yelling until you caved and gave in to what he wanted. No car, fend for yourself, my father is very materialistic and childlike."

I released my fists slowly and breathed out. Okay, it wasn't as bad as I was letting my mind wander.

"I sound so spoiled," She giggled and shook her head. "I'm not, trust-believe me."

I pursed my lips. "I believe you. I'd want to leave a situation like that too." I internally laughed at my private joke.

She narrowed her eyes. "I don't like having the image of being a pampered rich girl. He was so mad when I broke the news that I was moving, he even took away my inheritance. I'm happy I'm not tied down. I could care less about money. It can't fix a broken home."

My lips tilted downward. She was hurting and I didn't like it. I wished I could take it all away and make everything better but I knew more than anything that it wasn't possible.

"I've never seen you in that light, Aria. You don't need to worry about that image." I said slowly.

Hm, minus the first interaction with her.

"Every time I go back, he reminds me of it." Her voice was cold, matching her eyes.

"And your mother?"

"Defends him."

I frowned. "Your brother wouldn't though." I said, more of a statement. If her brother was her light down in California, he couldn't be to blame of her unhappiness.

"No, never. Me and him stick together. He defends me but it never works out in his favor. He's lucky that they're not as harsh with him." She sighed.

It was difficult to not demand her not to go up there. She clearly didn't want to, I couldn't understand why she'd go back so often. If her brother weren't there, I wonder if she'd ever return.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Aria." I reached out and patted her hand. "You deserve a lot better than that."

"Thank you," She squeezed my hand and released it.

I immediately hated the absence of her warm touch. It was difficult to not reach out and take it back. I had to control myself better than this.

"Ugh, enough sad talk." She scrunched her face in disgust. "I haven't seen you touch your cream of mushroom soup since it arrived." She pointed out.

"I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was."

"I feel like a pig." She mumbled.

I couldn't help but laugh. She looked flawless to me. "You look good."

Her flushed cheeks satisfied me. She fought a smile which pleased me further. I hadn't realized how often her cheeks turned pink until the last few weeks I've been close to her. She was confident but shy.

"Come with me?" I stood up and fished out my wallet. I plastered down enough that would pay both of our meals and leave a large tip behind. I didn't want to wait for the check.

She followed suit and stood up with me. "Where are we going?" Confused.

"You showed me somewhere you liked to think, I want to do the same. I think you need it."

"How the tables have turned," she commented. "You should really start counting the money you leave on random tables, you know..." she mumbled.

I smirked. I wasn't worried.

Aria was very quiet. I didn't enjoy her odd behavior and I knew she had a lot of resentment towards her near coming plans. It was concerning me to watch her act how I act; clouded and reserved.

"You know California has beaches." She smugly commented. Her face was directed towards the window, staring at the view in front of us.

"So does Tofino." We were practically surrounded by beaches here. "But the lack of people who walks them makes it a lot more personal."

She rolled her eyes playfully at my wise comment and hopped out of the truck. "Do we just walk?"

I shrugged. "You can do whatever you want."

I led her to the white sand, both of us walking with no particular purpose. Slow pace. She had a lot on her mind, it was evident. She had a tiny indent in between her eyebrows and her lips were stretched into a thinner line. Her eyes were so far away. I wished I could just read her mind, see what she was thinking.

Or at least take her pain away. I'd rather carry the burdens than let her deal with them.

Aria nodded at nothing and scurried a little ways away. When she returned, she had a large stick in her hands, three quarters the size of her. It looked huge when she held it in two hands.

She continued to walk down the deserted beach, along the shoreline. Her beige ankle boots were dangerously close to drowning in the water if she stepped any closer. Her face was now concentrated, soft.

She took the stick and started making markings along the sand. I walked up to her in curiosity and by the time I got to her, she threw the stick on the ground and placed her hands on her hips. Satisfied.

No Rain, No Flowers.

I placed a hand on her fragile shoulder and she looked up and she offered me a smile in return.

"You have to go through hard times to see the light. No rain, no flowers." She confidently said.

"I wish you weren't going through such a hard time..." I whispered.

"It's not for me. It's for you."

I looked down at her with confusion. My eyebrows pulled together.

She didn't say anything, nor answer my thought out questions. Instead, she reached down and picked up a pile of damp sand. With a devilish smile, she threw the sand at my chest.

I caught some in my hands. "We can start a war if that's your angle." I smirked.

I grabbed sand at the same time as her and threw it back, slow enough for her to be able to deflect it with her hands.

She laughed as it sprayed all around her and started spitting. "It's in my mouth!"

I laughed with her and walked up to her but before she let me get too close, she threw a damp pile at my chest.

I ran toward her And she readied herself for more sand but instead I opened my arms and pulled her into a deep bear hug, lifting her up to catch her off guard. I didn't care if it wasn't like me. I just wanted to be close to her. I didn't care about losing our short lived sand fight. I needed this.

I swayed us back and forth for a few moments, content. Her arms were wrapped around my chest, willingly.