Without the ability to breathe, the mind will lose consciousness. My stomach tightens, clenching and unclenching as my throat begins to spasm, begging for a gust of air to be entered through. I feel motionless, paralyzed, completely immobile. Even though I can't move, my body convulses, my eyes staring up at the sun while I choke out silent pleas for help. My arms reach above me, reaching for something to save me, coming short. Skin is turning blue. My mouth foams and froths while my body jerks violently. Is this panic mode, or a subtle sign to liberate myself?

"Hey, E," She peeked her head through my bedroom door after giving it three gentle knocks from the other side. "I heard the shower turn on," She commented, referring to her knowledge of me just arriving from a long days work.

"Hey, Milly," I said, and scruffed my hair up with my towel to dry it faster. My eyes drooped from my lack of sleep. "Is everything okay?"

"Milly," she muttered back to me, contemplating if she likes the nickname or not. For a second, I actually almost mistook her last name for her first name, calling her Miller.

I was damn tired.

Lacey looked at me for a long moment which normally would make me uncomfortable, but I was so used to her lack of personal space that it was almost just a routine now. "Oh, yes, everything is fine with me. I was just saying hello is all..." She wandered off with her thoughts, over dramatic as usual.

I watched as she tiptoed through my room, looking for anything that's out of place, whether I've changed the pictures on the wall, did my laundry, hid a dead body under my bed, the usual. She wasn't even looking at what she was going through, it was just an added affect to her dramatics.

"Lace?" I finally cut her useless snooping short.

I really wasn't in the mood.

She looked up with me with wide eyes, as if she's forgotten that I was still in the room. My room.

"What's up? Are you bored?" She shook her head no. "Lose something?" No to that too. "Well I think I know you well enough to know that there's something on your mind."

Lacey sighed dramatically and flopped herself onto my bed, sprawling herself out and staring at the ceiling. "There is something on my mind, you're right," she babbled.

I stared at her.

"What's on my mind is that my best friend is ignoring me and I don't understand why," she cried out to me - or better yet, the ceiling.

"Oh," Was all I managed to say. I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry to hear that, why is she ignoring you?"

"He. Why is he ignoring me," She rephrased. "Eli, did I do something wrong?" She looked up at me with a wrinkled forehead of worry.

It came to a surprise to me that she still thought of me as her best friend. I thought for sure my place was taken. "Of course not, Lace," I lied back on the bed beside her and stared at my ceiling as well. Popcorn freckles, why are ceilings formed that way?

"Did Tyler?"

"No, why do you think that?"

"You've been locking yourself away in your room for a few weeks now, E," She turns on her side and faces in my direction. I don't do the same. "You say hi, sure, and you occasionally will watch a show with us, but otherwise you've been keeping to yourself, and I just want to know what's happened to make you not want to be around us as much..." She trailed off, with a hint of hurt in her voice.

For the last few weeks, I have been avoiding my friends. I've been too preoccupied with feeling too guilty to even look at Tyler and Lacey. They'd be so disappointed in me. I hoped Billy's fascination in me would die down soon. It has happened before, it can happen again. Billy had a short attention span and I had to play it safe for now. If not, I'd just have to wait until I can make a move.

For the last few weeks, I've been very alone and to myself. I've felt that there's something missing in my life and I couldn't seem to figure out what it is. A puzzle piece hole that I couldn't fill.

All in all, I was just depressed. I didn't want to talk, especially when I felt like a zombie. I didn't have pills as a pick me up. It fucking sucked.

"Lacey," I started, unsure where to even go with this. "You and Ty are my number one's. I'd literally do anything for you both, and I sincerely apologize for making you feel that way. I've just been busy with work...." Which wasn't totally wrong. I had been keeping myself busy at work to keep my mind off other things, other people. I've even taken on that younger new kid, Kyle and have been apprenticing him at the shop.

"Okay, but you should probably slow down on that, no? I thought Shawn cut your hours back down to normal?"

"He did. I've been working on that boat for James after work."

"Eli, that's ridiculous. He said to only work on that when you have spare time, not work yourself until you're sick," She sat up and scolded me which made me almost want to laugh.

"It beats partying though," I mumbled.

"I'm really sorry, by the way..." She said. What could she possibly have done to make her need to apologize?

"Hm?"

"Y'know. I've been insensitive to your state since you've been back. I keep forgetting it's a life long battle, and not a fix just because you got treated... I don't want to name names and all, but a friend of mine reminded me of that, speaking of which, I'm also sorry for having Aria come over all the time, right after you've returned from recovery. It was a wrong choice and I should've known better," She emphasized and tucked her short bleach blonde wavy hair behind her ear. "I just want everyone to be a group and get along, and I've been pushing it too hard."

Her name, unknowingly why, gave me shivers. "That's something we don't really need to get into, Lace. It's really okay," I groaned out, immediately frustrated.

"It's funny, for a minute there, I thought you two were becoming friendly with each other, honestly. But I guess my judgement was off," Her eyes wandered around my room again. Her motives for conversation were unclear.

It was true, there was a moment where I thought we really could be friends, but then I realized quickly how stupid that was. "I'll try again if you really need me to," The words tasted like instant regret.

"I know about a couple weeks ago when you rescued her in the middle of nowhere, you know." A smile formed on her cheeks. "What was up with that?"

"Nothing was. I was doing you a favor."

"So you decided to spend the whole day together? And even go swimming and have a late night food sesh at a twenty-four hour diner? Because of me?" She laughed through her smile. "Bullshit."

I wondered how much Aria has filled Lacey in on our day together, and why. I finally turned my head to look at her, our faces only a few inches apart. "Is that so?"

"She told me you fixed her car." Lacey said as a matter of factually.

"I'm a mechanic."

"Mechanics don't do services for free. You didn't charge her a single penny for all the work you put into it. And you even went above and beyond with extra work on her car that didn't need to be done." Lacey smirked and crossed her arms over her chest.

"What's the point you're trying to make here, Lace?" I narrowed my eyes, the two of us keeping our close proximity.

"Do you have feelings for her?" She asked in a serious, questioning tone.

I froze, completely caught off guard. I haven't let myself wander with those thoughts. Ultimately, I didn't respond - unsure what to say.

"Is it that difficult to let someone new into your life?"

I sighed, letting my minty breath blow on her face. If only I could tell the truth. "I'm trying to please everyone. I did those things for you, because I know Aria is your friend, Lacey. Nothing more. Please just drop it."

Lacey's smiled a knowing smile that I couldn't figure out. "Okay, Fine. You win. You're your own person. I don't want to change that, I just don't want you to shut everyone away to protect yourself, okay? Some people are good."

Hm, I've yet to meet more than I can count on one hand.

"Thanks," I whispered.

Lacey and I continued to lay on top of my bed in silence for a few moments. Any other person might find it weird to see a girl who has a boyfriend, in bed with a shirtless man but luckily it's an easy friendship. She was like a little sister, and the thought of her being anything else was barf worthy.

"How uh, is she doing anyways?" I finally asked, a question that's been oddly burning inside me for a little while. I haven't seen her around much, and if she did come over, I locked myself away in my room for the most part. I almost missed those curious eyes.

"She's doing well, Eli." Lacey giggled. "You can always ask her that yourself sometime, you know. The way she described things about you... Well, you seemed to have had a good time together."

"Hm..."

It then dawned on me that Lacey had been talking about me to her. Aria oddly had my back for telling Lacey to take it easy on me when I have bad days. Must be the social worker in her, doing her job.

Gossip Queen.

"I liked hearing those things about you. That you actually put on a smile, and let loose, y'know? Especially with someone newer in your life. She had a lot of really nice things to say. It reminded me of how you are with Tyler - comfortable. But anyways... How are you though? I miss you. Is your temptations under control?" She babbled on, in her usual style.

"Woah. Everything's under control, I'm doing well." Lies.

I didn't want to miss anyone, but I did. Stability. I wish I could just be free. Completely myself.

Seems impossible.

The two of us continued our small talk which made me feel better about my situation. I could always go to Lacey for a simple, meaningless conversation. She was easy to talk to because she was oblivious to the bigger picture.

"What are you reading lately?" Lacey quietly mentioned, referring to the stack of books that were piled in the corner of my room.

"Nothing in particular anymore," I yawned. I've just finished reading my third book this month alone. "I haven't found something that's caught my eye yet. I'm thinking about reading some psychology books about psychopaths and criminals but who knows."

"Haven't you researched all of that before?"

"There's always room to learn new things." I closed my eyes, content with the idea of being alone.

Take this as a hint to leave, Lacey.

From under my eyelids, a flash of the brightest white light appeared. My eyes burst open, a sudden panic washing over me.

Standing in the doorway of my room was a man with a camera, snapping photos. My body stiffened at the face I was looking at, shock and confusion surfacing. He looked so familiar, so fragile, so scared. Chills ran down my spine and all throughout my body. "Twig..?" A quiet, hoarse voice came out of my mouth. Blurred vision from abrupt awakening made it unclear who the person was. Pure surprise flooded my eyes.

My vision adjusted itself from the flash of light, giving away who was really in the door frame. My body relaxed as I take in his true features of a strong jawline, tall, muscular body. I breathed out a steady breath of air.

"Oh, Ty." I glanced at my bed where Lacey once was and saw it empty. I hadn't realized I'd actually fallen asleep.

"You looked comfortable," Tyler smiled while he looked through his photos on the camera. For a moment, I questioned his motives. "And by that I mean dead."

"What're you doing?" I asked, groggy.

He was genuine, happy. It was as if he hadn't had a demanding job anymore. It was as if he slept. No worry lines were visible on his face. "Sometimes you just have to capture the moments, to keep the memories forever, you know? Long hours without pills are kicking your ass these days," Tyler lowered his arms and leaned against the door frame. "Maybe one day we can look back and see how far we've come."

My breathing hitched, and suddenly it felt impossible to catch a breath.

I've heard that phrase before...