I tapped my foot impatiently against the linoleum floor. The damn mail had told me to be here at 11am sharp, and I've been waiting here for half an hour! I really should have brought Eric with me. If not it was him that wanted me to be here in the first place! I guess I wouldn't have stepped out of the apartment today at all if it he hadn't convinced me to book this damn session.

"Lucas Stuart?" The light voice made me jump in the wooden chair - the one that certainly gave me butt-splinters. I looked up to see a woman in her 40s, black hair, small stature (even with heels at least seven inches high), too large glasses that almost hid the calm, brown eyes behind them, and the largest smile is seen on anyone ever covering her lips.

"Y-yes, t-that's me!" I stuttered as I clumsily stood up. The woman smiled at me again and led me through a beige corridor to a small, cozy office. After closing the door, the woman sat down on an armchair and crossed her legs. When I didn't immediately follow suit, she smiled again and gestured me to sit down.

As soon as I had taken a seat on the weirdly comfortable armchair opposite to her, she clasped her hands together and began speaking.

"My name is Hannah Olive, and I'm your psychologist. What do you say, shall we get to know each other a little bit before?" I nodded numbly at her request. "Should I ask a question and you answer?" I nodded again. "Since I already know your name... what's your favorite animal?" I stared in disbelief at her.

"Turtle, I think," I answered, she looked extremely excited by this, her eyes almost literally glowing.

"I really love squids!" My cheeks heated up a little, for some weird reason Eric loved those slimy creatures as well. "What's your favorite colour?" she asked after a couple of awkward silent moments.

"I really like blue," I answered, feeling slightly more comfortable in the situation. She nodded encouragingly.

"I also love blue! Especially baby blue..." she trailed off. I let a real smile display itself on my lips.

"That is the best one," I agreed, nodding.

"So what do you like to do on your freetime?" Hannah asked me. I sat back in the armchair, and thought for a moment.

"Well, I really like cuddling with my cat... and having movie marathons with my boyfriend isn't that bad either," I chuckled slightly. "I guess I like taking walks from time to time too." Hannah nodded, smiling.

"You live together with your boyfriend, correct?" she asked, I nodded with a large smile.

"Yeah, we have been living together for a year now. It's been quite something," I answered. She grinned at me before scribbling something on her notepad.

"Do you feel comfortable to talk about why you're here? Or would you like some more smalltalk?" she smiled slightly as she looked up to me again. I squirmed in my seat. I had never been very comfortable in talking about my problems. I guess that was the point of this though.

"I guess," I whispered. Hannah sat silent. Waiting for me to elaborate. After a long time of an awkward silence, I blurted everything out. "I'm having nightmares about when I was almost raped five years ago." Hannah smiled sympathetically at me, and pushed her glasses further up her nose before speaking again.

"Would you like to tell me about the nightmares?" she asked patiently. I nodded.

"It always starts out the same way; I'm alone in a very dark room, tied to the floor by my hands. Then his eyes will appear, they are so cold, like ice. He will laugh maniacally, and grab me by my ankles. He will drag me by them until he is stopped by my restraints, then he will slowly grab me up my legs. My clothes have disappeared by this. H-he grabs me in my sides, claws my back. I know I'm bleeding, but I am unable to feel a thing. He will grab me by my hair, hard, and force me to turn around. But it's never him that looks back at me. It's always those blue, warm, calming eyes... but then his eyes will turn cold, and he too will laugh maniacally at me. He begin clawing my arms and my torso and my legs and my stomach and my face. And I feel it. Blood starts clouding my vision and the pain erupts like fucking fire in my whole body. He grins at me, but his perfect teeth are changed with large fangs. He bites my arm off. My blood stains his face, everything is stained in blood. I scream, but he doesn't stop. I scream louder, but he still doesn't stop-" I interrupted myself with a breathy sob.

"Here," Hannah gave me a tissue, I blew my nose unceremoniously in it. I took a shaky breath before continuing.

"I don't understand, why is it always him? Why is it always by his hands that I wake up? Why do I wake up in his arms, screaming and sweating? Why?" I almost screamed the last few words, but Hannah didn't seem to mind.

"I take this as if you are reliving an old trauma," she said solemnly. I stared at her.

"A trauma?"

"Yes, most likely something that happened a few years ago." She was looking at her notes as she spoke. She didn't see me paling.

"Five," I croaked out. She glanced at me.

"Five?"

"Five years. It was five years ago. I was 17," I whispered. Hannah closed her notebook and gave me all of her attention.

"What happened five years ago?" she asked me softly. Somehow I had the feeling that she already knew.

"I-I..." my voice got caught in my throat, and a soft silence fell over us. Hannah sat patiently as i struggled with my words. "I was almost raped. Twice," I whispered, the tears gathering in my eyes slowly trailing down my cheeks.

"By the same person?" she wondered softly. I shook my head so hard that I almost thought I would get a whiplash.

"N-n-no. By... by my boyfriend and my bully," I whimpered out. Another tissue appeared in front of my face. I shakily grabbed it and blew my nose again. "Eric didn't really try to rape me... I mean he was drunk! He wasn't aware of he was doing! He couldn't help it-"

"Lucas, you're defending his actions. That might indicate that you know what he did was wrong, but you don't want to make him into the bad guy," Hannah explained, still using that soft, almost patronizing voice.

"B-but I love him! I always have," I tried to defend myself. To my surprise, Hannah smiled.

"I know you do. I don't doubt that for even a second. Is it okay if I give you a theory of my own?" she asked me. I nodded slowly, wiping my face with yet another tissue. "I believe that Eric didn't want to hurt you, but is he aware of what he did?" she asked, I shook my head. "The bully, he probably made a worse impact as you already knew him as a bad guy, but as he mimicked your boyfriend, even if unintentional, your brain keeps drawing associations between the two of them." I considered what she had told me. It made sense. Right? Even if I didn't blame Eric, he had still done it, and less than two months later he had done almost the same thing.

"What should I do?" I whispered. Hannah smiled again and stood up.

"My advice to you is simple: talk to him. If he loves you even half as much as you love him he will understand." She walked behind the desk and picked up a small card. When she was in front of me again, the card was held out in front of her. "Call me if you need more advice, but I believe that you'll figure this out on your own."

Later that same day I was seated on our balcony, glaring at a bird that seemed to have gotten hooked on chirping non-stop. I hated the sound of chirping. It always woke me up in the mornings and I couldn't for my life understand how some people could find it soothing.

I glanced at my watch; 5:32 pm. Eric should be home soon. I tipped back on my chair and glared at the balcony above ours instead. Some weed were growing out of a crack in the cement. Life really finds its way everywhere.

"I'm home!" a familiar voice called from the inside of the apartment. I let the chair tip back even further, glancing through the windows. I could just barely see Eric in the hallway, struggling to take off his shoes. The chair thudded loudly as all four legs hit the floor again. I stood up and stretched, letting some of the kinks in my back pop satisfyingly. Just as I turned around to walk inside again, Eric peeked out of the door and grinned at me. He held out his hand in a gentleman manner for me.

"Would the kind sir care to join me for some Thai-food?" he asked jokingly. I smiled softly at him, grabbing his hand and following him inside. The take-out food was sitting unceremoniously at the livingroom table. Eric flopped down on the couch and immediately opened a box with pad thai. I slumped down on the armchair instead of right next to him and opened another box that contained fried rice.

We ate in silence for quite some time, but eventually Eric was the one to break it.

"So... how did it go today?" he asked me. I glared at the spoon that were held to my mouth. So close but still so far away. I sighed and put the fried rice down, instead looking right at Eric.

"She said that... we should talk." I looked down at my knees as Eric feel completely quiet. "I-it's kind of hard to talk about and it might take some time, so we could eat first if you want-"

"Nonono! I want to know. If I can help you in anyway I want to know as quickly as possible," Eric interrupted. I took a shaky breath, but close my mouth abruptly as Eric put his hand on my knee. "Lucas, please." I looked at him, his eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. A wave of determination washed over me, and so I sat down next to him on the couch instead.

"It's about what happened five years ago," I began, immediately feeling Eric tense up beside me. "But it's not about Joseph." Eric's head snapped up so that he could stare at me.

"What?" he asked dumbfoundedly.

"It... I... it's something that happened between us," I tried to explain. Eric looked even more lost now. "Before we got together." I finished and looked away from the piercing, blue eyes.

"Please Lucas. Talk to me. I want to help you," Eric pleaded.

"You... I... we..." I took a deep breath to steady myself. "Youkindarapedmeonthatnovemberpartywhenyougotreallywastedandiwaslikedruggedsoicouldntstopyoubutyouonlysuckedonmyskinandtouchedmewithyourhandssoidontknowifthatreallycountsasrapeornot."

"What?" he breathed. His eyebrows were knitted tightly together and his mouth was twisted in a deep frown.

"You kinda rap-"

"No I heard," Eric interrupted. "I mean what? Why haven't you told me?" He looked deeply hurt so I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes.

"I was scared," I finally whispered. Eric sat silent. None of us spoke a word. After what felt like hours of silence, Eric spoke.

"What did I do?" he asked hoarsely. I bit back my tears as I formed an answer.

"You... uhm... you made a lot of hickeys," I said slowly. When his expression darkened I was quick to continue. "But you didn't penetrate me!" I exclaimed, so loud that I was sure that the neighbors would complain. Eric's eyes widened dramatically, his eyebrows shooting up to his roots.

"I- uhm... I- eh, what?" he spluttered, face turning fifty shades of red. I could feel my cheeks beginning to heat and looked away from him.

"You didn't go all the way," I mumbled, bringing up my knees to my chin. Eric sat silent for a moment more.

"Then, you can go all the way with me!" he finally declared. It was my turn to widen my eyes and lift my eyebrows. I even dropped my chin.

"What?" I squeaked as I stared at him. He squirmed in his seat. A deep blush dustin his cheeks.

"I- you- well-" he stammered, the blush slowly spreading to his ears and neck. I had never seen him this flustered before. I began twiddling with my thumbs as my own face flushed. "Please, Lucas. I'm not good at things like this, you know that, but if this helps... I wanna do it," he sighed after gathering himself. I only had to think about the pros and cons before throwing myself over him, latching onto his neck. Eric gasped silently, but it didn't take for him to put his arms around me.

"Maybe, we shouldn't do it here?" I mumbled into his sweater, feeling the vibrations from his laughter.

"You're right. Let's go." He grabbed me by my thighs, lifting me up and steering the way to the bedroom. I clutched his neck tighter, grinning into the fabric.

Maybe this wasn't exactly what Hannah had in mind when she had said "talk to him", but I must say, this is almost better.

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