The days that followed are not much different than the first day Lisa and Jennie parted ways. The days are still off, awkward, and suffocating.

Because just when did Lisa become a stop sign for her? A big, red stop sign that makes her halt with what she’s doing, or where she’s going, or who she’s talking to?

And it doesn’t help that whenever she’ll see Lisa, she’ll be with Rosé, and Lisa doesn’t even have the smallest sign of longing for Jennie – not even a little that bites inside Jennie.

That Lisa doesn’t even have the tiniest sign of distress, or worry, or regret in her still-beautiful face that Jennie is trying so hard to hate.

That Jennie forces herself – convinces herself – that she loathes Lisa, that Lisa’s nothing but a jerk. The same jerk from the first day that she laid her eyes on, the same selfish jerk that does nothing but hurt her, the same stupid jerk that made her feel.

And Jennie tries to convince herself that she hates Lisa – because it seems that everything Lisa does is to despise Jennie, to give more pain to Jennie,

With Jennie struggling every day just to avoid running to Lisa, and she feels so stupid – so damn stupid – for doing so.

Whenever she’ll chance upon the blonde – the blonde hair that now she hates, that she now regrets for even having Lisa have it – she’ll swerve the other direction.

That whenever she’ll see Lisa from afar, because of the same bright hair, she’ll come running back to where she originally was. But she does see the growing roots of black hair day by day that passes, and it truthfully pangs Jennie because, is it that long already? That they started to avoid each other? Started to stop talking to each other, like they really don’t know each other?

Because now she notices it? Like how you notice how long someone’s hair has grown from the last time you saw them? Because it’s been too long already?

So Jennie can only bite on her tongue as she shakes the memory of why she wanted that hair colour for Lisa – to keep Lisa in her line of sight – and how Lisa even thought of following Rosé’s suggestion of dyeing it back to its original hair colour instead.

She shakes the memory of how mad and furious she was when Lisa has said it, and now she feels more stupid.

And it’s really stupid how much harm can one small thing bring,

Because then one day, she sees Lisa with black hair.

And it really shouldn’t bother Jennie – petty things such as hair colours – but then it feels like a knife cut through her because it feels like Lisa has fully rejected her.

Why should it feel like Lisa defied her when she fully knows that Lisa is now out of her reach? That Lisa is free to do whatever she wants, because she has her life all to herself now.

Not to Jennie.

Not to Jennie anymore.

-----------------------------

And weeks continue to come by so quick – the school year almost ending – but the pain doesn’t subside even for a bit. Jennie knows how to handle it, of course she does. The basics of moving on – even though it’s silly to think that they never were together in the first place, that they never even got together to begin with – and Jennie knows all about it.

The problem is that she doesn’t know why it doesn’t work.

Why nothing of what she knows work, that it still is Lisa and only Lisa that she sees with even with her eyes shut tight, that it still is Lisa’s voice that she hears in her dreams – and Jennie dreams about her every night.

That she and Lisa are still spending time together, that Lisa return her feelings, that Lisa loves her just as much.

That she wakes up feeling more down because it was all just a dream. And she wishes that it could have stayed like that.

She never thought that sleeping – dreaming – would be better than being awake.

Because she sees how Lisa would divert her eyes away whenever life would play upon them and they’ll chance each other in the hallways. And it’s actually better if it happens – when their eyes would meet – instead of times where they would just pass by each other, like they don’t know each other completely.

Like they don’t know each other’s fears, or dreams, or likes and dislikes. Like they don’t know each other’s deepest thoughts, and each other’s stories.

When they have been parts of each other’s being.

And it’s heartbreaking when people you know become people you knew.

And it breaks Jennie’s heart because she feels like she’s the only one going through an inner turmoil, an inner battle that she knows she’s losing.

When they used to talk to each other for restless nights and countless days. When they used to laugh at small things, or simply smile at the comfortable silence. When they used to yearn for each other’s company, or each other’s warmth.

And that’s what hurts, because they don’t do any of those anymore – they don’t have each other anymore,

And that’s what hurts the most,

Because they used to.

-----------------------------

“Hey, Jennie,” Jisoo loops an arm with hers.

“Yeah?”

“We’ll go to the mall after school, right?”

Jennie doesn’t even think about it, she needs a diversion, badly, “Sure thing.”

Though it seems life doesn’t want her to, because Jisoo adds,

“But I need to meet Rosé first. I kind of borrowed a CD from her. Hey, you should totally try to get to know Rosé! She’s such a nice girl! And she has taste in music, and do you know that she bakes? And cooks? We should totally ask her to hang out with us sometimes, too! Oh! She’s just such an angel-“

“Are you kidding me?” Jennie cuts her blabbering fool of a friend, because is Jisoo serious? How does she expect for Jennie to meet Rosé when she knows Lisa will also be there.

“What?” Jisoo gives her another scowl, “It’s just a suggestion. I mean, since you and Lisa know each other, too, I thought, why not, right? What? Don’t tell me you’re still sour that she’s stealing the spotlight from you. Which doesn’t make sense because she’s not even trying. No offense, Jennie.” Jisoo keeps on talking and Jennie is only left there – mouth agape and eyes wandering. Her ears not wanting to hear anymore of Jisoo’s nonsense.

Jennie shakes her head as to dismiss anymore thoughts swimming inside her head, “Just,” She sighs irritably, “Just get the damn CD and then we’ll go straight to the mall.”

“Oh! I know! Let’s invite them to join us going to the mall later!”

“No!!!” Jennie says loudly, giving her a look from her friend, “I mean, no,”

“If you want, I’ll go ahead and we’ll just meet up there.” Jennie suggests, which kinds of make sense to her. Much to her relief.

“Are you stupid?” Jisoo narrows her eyes, “Why are you avoiding her like a plague?”

“I’m not avoiding her,” Technically, Jennie’s correct, “I just don’t…. like… to wait… is all.” Jennie shrugs.

Which only gets her a good, hard stare from Jisoo, and she stares just as hard back.

Until Jisoo sighs, “You really are crazy.”

And Jennie finally admits that she really is.

-----------------------------

Because then Jisoo is able to drag her that dismissal to meet with Rosé. She yanks herself off Jisoo’s grip but to no avail.

Reasons that it’ll just be quick, quicker than Jisoo failing her grades and Jennie’s not able to reply immediately because she just has to laugh first.

And Jennie prays that her clammy hands are left unnoticed by her evil friend because she herself can feel how sweaty they’ve become and how shaking they are right now.

They near the school gate and Jennie only bites the insides of her mouth in anticipation. Anticipation on what’ll happen next or what she’ll do or not do next because then life is unfair for giving her time to over-think things as they’re the first ones to arrive.

Only to be stopped when she hears a voice calling for her friend, and she just knows who owns it and who’s with the owner.

Because Jisoo greets back, “Hey, Rosé! Hey, Lisa!”

And Jennie’s body stiffens on its own again, disobeying her mind that tells it to move, to act normal. Her heart disobeying her brain that tells it to stop pumping unnecessary excess of blood and to stop squeezing so much, because she feels the familiar trouble of breathing.

Jennie continues to be turned against the people around her, since she doesn’t know how to control her body anymore.

Not when she’s able catch a whiff of that nauseatingly addictive fragrance that she wishes hard not to be as addicting, to be as alluring.

“Hey, Jennie.”

She twitches with the greeting, because she knows it’s Rosé who did. So she exhales first before deciding to at last face them. Eyes trying to fix themselves entirely on the one who called, and not on that damn, pretty girl at the side.

“Hello, Rosé.”

She sees Rosé only smile, and it actually surprises her because it is not the normal mocking ones. It’s one of those… normal ones. Though it isn’t taunting, it is neither boastful. And if Jennie’s really a fool, she would have believed it has a hint of compassion in it – as if Rosé knows what she’s going through.

And Jennie has to look away, because she sees Lisa look at their direction.

She feels the mad thumping in her chest, the sting in her eyes, and the knots inside her guts as she glances away – and hell knows how much she wants – how much she’s aching – to just stare at Lisa,

And Jennie does her best to stare at the ground instead, until Jisoo decides to cough just to break the eerie, uncomfortable silence that shrouded them after.

“O-kay,” Jisoo trails off, and Jennie thinks she heard the faintest indication of awkwardness on how her friend said it, “Well, we’ll be on our way now. Thanks for this!”

Jennie doesn’t believe her ears, did Jisoo just let her evil self go? Because didn’t she just say a while ago that she’ll invite Rosé and Lisa?

Jennie quickly turns to Jisoo, but Jisoo’s quicker to grab her arm and yank her away.

“I thought you’ll invite them to the mall?” Jennie asks, she has to.

“I changed my mind,” Jisoo shrugs as she continues to drag Jennie, “I don’t like you sulking all throughout the trip, and being ass-shit quiet and awkward.”

“I’m not awkward with Rosé.” Jennie defends herself,

“Yeah, I know,” Jisoo continues to pull at her, but briefly glances at her as Jisoo says, “But you are with Lisa.”

Jennie almost trip on her own foot, caught in panic, “I-I’m not.”

“Oh, who are you fooling, mandu?” Jisoo latches her arm around Jennie’s neck instead, “You don’t even look at her,”

And Jennie feels her ears get unbelievably warm when Jisoo adds – teases,

“When you were all over each other just the last time.”

She quickly punches Jisoo by the side, “We weren’t. Stupid.”

Only Jisoo’s demeaning chuckle is what she hears after, but when the laughter dies down, Jennie can’t help but ask something so pitiful that it appears more of a whisper when she did, “Did she,”

“Did she even look at me?”

Jennie can’t help but curl her fingers into fists, and bite her lips when Jisoo remains quiet – maybe contemplating to tell if the truth is Lisa didn’t or lie that Lisa did just so Jennie would feel even a bit better,

All she gets is a deep sigh though, and for Jennie, it’s not a good sign.

But maybe Jennie’s wrong, well, not entirely right, either. For Jisoo says,

“She’s just like you.”

“What do you mean?” Jennie has to ask, because what does that really mean?

Jisoo shrugs, “She doesn’t look at you, only stares at the ground, or at the sky, or at that little ant crawling up a tree. Like that, really. Looking anywhere and everywhere,"

“Anywhere but you.”

Jennie feels her body tense up in a way again, but Jisoo really has to make fun of her,

“You two lovebirds should really get your act together.”

Jennie gapes at what her friend just said, her fist faster than her mind into stopping it from landing on Jisoo’s arm, “Jisoo!!!”

“Oh, God! Don’t deny it, Jennie!” Jisoo suppresses laughter as she raises her hands mid-air, “Anyone with eyes can clearly see that you two have a thing for each other!”

Jennie feels her blood run all over her face in embarrassment, and she swears that if she can see her face, it’ll be just as red, “Good God, Jisoo! What the hell are you saying?!”

“Jennie,” Jisoo holds Jennie’s flying fist, and the sudden seriousness in her face and gravity in her voice makes Jennie stop attacking her, “I’m serious, though. You two are in the verge of insanity without each other, well, with what I see, most likely you, but who knows if Lisa feels the same? Though I honestly think she also does, with the way she still doesn’t look at you as much, too. I mean, not even a ‘hi’? Both from you or fo ryou? And I can see the way she fidgets, just as much as you do.”

Just the thought of Lisa missing her – just that simple thought – is enough to make Jennie’s heart clench in unbelievable shades of happiness. That Lisa is longing for her just as much as she does, that she’s missing their conversation, or their times together, how Lisa misses her.

“Jennie, you two have to talk it out one way or another. I may not know the whole story, but I assure you – and I’m saying this as your trusted and concerned friend that genuinely loves you and cares for you – with what I’m seeing right now, your little game of ‘hide-and-don’t-seek’ with each other has way more toll on you.”

“I mean, Jennie, you do know that I support you a hundred and one percent with whoever you date, for all I care, but you’re losing focus because of her! You avoid going to places – just because she might be there, you put more make up to hide your eye-bags from crying, you go out way too much just so you won’t have time to think about her, you force me into dates with you, Jennie. I think that’s worse enough as an example.”

Jisoo laughs and Jennie laughs as well despite the brimming tears on her eyes already – because whatever Jisoo says is somehow true, and it clenches her heart painfully yet warm at the same time from the comfort brought along with the painful truth being slapped to her.

“And as much as I want to torture you,” Jisoo pulls her into a hug that Jennie quickly complies to, because she hugs her friend just as tight, “I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“Jisoo,” Is all that Jennie’s able to mumble as her hands tighten their clutch around Jisoo’s torso from the overflowing comfort that she’s receiving,

“Where’s that strong, stone-cold girl that I know? Where’s that sexy, bad-ass bitch that’s ready to sack the whole town with her feistiness?” Jennie hears Jisoo joke and she actually whole heartedly laughs at it.

“Thanks, Chu.”

But that moment of ease is briefly cut off when Jisoo suddenly pulls a bit – making Jennie frown as she looks at the taller girl. Jisoo asks, “Does Kai know?”

Jennie glances down as she sheepishly and shamelessly admits, “Yeah.”

“Is that why you and him…?”

“… Yeah.”

“… Oh.” Is all Jisoo says.

“Yeah…” Jennie slowly nods, “’Oh’.”

“At least you’re still in good terms?” Jisoo further inquires.

“Yes, we still hang out at times,” Jennie agrees, before taking the opportunity to tease Jisoo, “He’s a nice guy, why don’t you hook up with him?”

Which gives her a solid smack by her back, “Eww! No! It’s like giving me your used toothbrush.”

Jennie laughs out loud at the comparison, “Why not? We share clothes at times!”

“Just, no,” Jisoo crosses her arms before having a witty comeback, “Would you give me Lisa if ever?”

And it doesn’t take Jennie a second to even think of an answer, “No!”

“See?” Jisoo pokes her by the temple, “Get your head out of your ass.” But that smile only says that she’s teasing and so Jennie smiles back.

And Jennie keeps that smile as she closes her eyes,

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

-----------------------------

But maybe casually hanging out with Kai is one of the things Jennie regrets today, because wonder of all wonders, she blinks and rubs her eyes twice, thrice to make sure that they’re not playing with her,

Because is life bitching out on her, too?

For she sees Lisa by the school gate, near the Kim’s car, as if waiting for her?

And she can’t believe her eyes, she doesn’t want to believe her eyes. Is this a cruel joke life is playing upon her?

Jennie should have avoided her like usual, take another way, create more distance – if that’s still possible – just so they won’t cross paths.

But it proves to be impossible because Lisa already raises her gaze to meet Jennie’s, before meeting the ground again – and Jennie wishes that it’s because Lisa sees Kai with her,

“Hey, I think I’ll go ahead.” Kai lightly pats her back as they near the car, “Are you two okay?”

Jennie warily smiles as she shifts, because they’re getting closer – closer to Lisa, “Well, not really okay. I don’t know.”

“I hope it turns well for the both of you.” Kai nods before finally bidding goodbye, but not without giving a playful remark at her, “It seems she’s been waiting for you.”

Like reflex, and Jennie argues that it’s only because of reflex, that she lightly shoves Kai as payback. And she cautiously glances at Lisa, praying hard that the taller girl doesn’t see it – afraid that she’ll be getting the wrong idea again.

They part ways and Jennie tries to casually walk by to their car, heart thundering and palms sweating. Just right before she reaches Hyunhee, she hears the voice that she badly longs for to call her shakily says,

“Jennie.”

She stops midway of what she’s doing, and she knows well that she should turn around, acknowledge who just called her ,say something back – a reply, a response, anything,

But her body does not heed her thoughts, and so she is called again,

“Jennie,”

So Jennie only blinks, shudders, gulps, before being able to compose herself into doing what her mind has been screaming to her,

“Hey,” She carefully – guardedly – turns around as she lets the name sink in her mouth, “Lisa.”

She sees the same way Lisa’s throat swallows dryly – like hers – when Lisa gives an off, awkward smile, “H-Hi.”

So Jennie just returns that off smile, “H-Hey.”

Lisa merely nods, and Jennie merely nods back until they are just simply standing there staring at the ground, or at the sky, or at that ant crawling by the tree, anywhere but each other.

Jennie sees how careful Lisa is, just as how careful she is around the other girl.

She sees how Lisa’s too careful,

She’s careful not to get too close.

She’s careful not to get hurt again. And again and again.

And Jennie doesn’t blame her for that – Jennie can’tblame her for that.

But she does blame Lisa for making her heart beat rapidly and harshly when Lisa asks,

“Will you go somewhere today?”

Jennie momentarily gets lost in the question, wondering what trap Lisa is setting her into – if she should answer a yes or no, scared that she’ll answer something she’ll regret,

But she only says the truth, “N-No, why?”

Lisa quickly nods her head, a sign that Jennie knows is of anxiety from the other girl, “O-Oh, is that so? W-Will you go home already?”

Another tricky question, and Jennie only honestly answers, “Yes, w-why?” She mentally punches herself for such answers,

And she would really have punched herself for real when Lisa dares ask,