I do the breathing exercises in the bathroom as I try to calm the panic attack. I tremble as I pant and grip the bathroom counter hard as dark thoughts assault my mind. One on top of another.

Calm down, Joseph. Breathe.

She will be alright.

You have to be strong for her and him.

Breathe. Breathe. In and out.

This is the third one since she's been gone. Six days. Six fucking days that have felt like I am dying every time another passes. There isn't even anything for me to hold on to. The men we are dealing with are not just ruthless, but they have no code.

You never think of when you are on the other end of the gun. Me and my brothers have endured a lot of physical pain training and preparing to be leaders in our organizations, but nothing could have prepared us for this.

I thought I had seen the worst of heart ache when she broke up with us and when she rejected us time and again after we tried to be there for her, but I didn't know anything.

The kind of pain I'm feeling feels like it wants to crawl out of my skin and consume me whole like a virus. Like it wants to peel my skin off and melt my bones so there is nothing left. It is dense, and sharp, and heavy, and ever-present. And nothing makes it better. Nothing will make it better. Only having her back home will make it better.

Mason recorded the last time Adrik called. Hearing her cry when adrik gave her the phone and apologize is like a nightmare that I can't erase whether I close my eyes, or I try to not think about it.

Her small, broken voice apologizing for something that isn't her fault. It is our fault. We are her protectors. We were supposed to protect her. We shouldn't have been stuck on stupid when she clearly was just fighting with herself too.

Those few seconds are costing us everything. I would do anything for a do-over. I would do anything to have her back. I will do anything for her when she comes back. And like Mason, I will also let her go if that's what she wants. I will live the rest of my life as a husk of the man I used to be but as long as they are both safe.

I used to think life as a don was all I wanted but my little star and our son is the most important thing in my life and the decision is clear.

I splash cold water again on my face before I jump in the shower. A panic attack woke me from sleep, and I guess my body knows there's no time to rest.

When I step out of the bathroom, I find my brothers in the room. I sigh inwardly. I know it isn't great whatever they are here for.

Leo hands me a plate with a sandwich. I take it even though I am not in the mood for food. All of us have been bad with taking care of ourselves. For me it feels wrong eating when I don't even know if she is. Last time we saw her, she was half naked with her small bump out and she had a bruised face. an image that is hard to forget.

My heart rate shoots up when I think of all the things he could be doing to her. That's why eating, drinking, sleeping and even bathing feels like I'm betraying her all over again.

"Just eat. We will need our strength if Clark's guy comes through." Mason tells me.

I plop down on the bed with my towel around my waist. I bring the bread to my mouth.

"I wanted us to talk." Mason says sitting down on the love seat.

I just stare at him to continue.

He sighs and rubs his eyes. He has aged in the little time she's been taken. But I guess that has more to do with him not practicing what he's preaching. He, like all of us, has barely slept. All of us are running on empty. But we can't rest. Not when our family is in the hands of a devil.

"When she comes back... we have to be better."

I don't answer because I feel like he should be saying that more to himself than us. he is the one who could really use those words. But I stuff down my annoyance with him. I know he was just acting out of emotions but how he has handled the situation when she was here hasn't helped.

"Look, I know a lot of this shit is my fault, but... I am trying." His voice is almost a whisper. "I just want to do right by her and him."

There is silence for a beat.

"We all fucked things up, Mase. Yes, you've been a bigger dick, but we were always together." Bas says

And Bastard speaks truth. It was always a group decision, a group effort.

"I am still pissed at you. I do blame you in part, but it was all on us. At the end of the day, we all made the decisions together. We are all to blame. And... I just hope she can forgive us when she comes back." I mutter.

"Yeah, what the fuck are we going to do when she comes back?" Leo asks the room.

Silence for a few minutes.

"What are we going to do about our plans?" Mason asks.

Silence.

"Can we even continue with the takeovers knowing she is probably due in summer?" Mason asks.

"I think the better question is do we want to leave her and our son in the time they'll need us most?" I ask.

"We could take turns." Bas suggests.

"Will Star like that though? And who wants to be away from both of them? Is it going to be you?"

We all look at each other.

"Maybe Bas wants to go to work before and after the baby is born and leave Star at home." I say tilting my head and then biting the sandwich again.

He glares at me and they all chuckle.

"So, what are we deciding about the takeovers. Are we putting a pin on that?"

We look at each other again.

"I will speak for myself. I am putting a pin in it for now. I think I want to include her in that decision. She and him are our number one priority now and she has always been an equal voter, shouldn't she have a say?" Mason utters words I didn't think I'd hear from him out loud.

"What if she still hates us when she comes back, and she's done for good?" Bas asks and I want to punch his stupid nerd face.

"Bro, fuck that negativity." I say

"Calm down, Mike Tyson. I think she might still have unresolved issues but we can't leave her especially now that this has happened." Leo says to us

I get up to look for a ciggie in this damn room. I can feel that edginess from needing nicotine. I've been smoking this shit for a few days and its already got under my skin. I miss fucking weed, but I need to stay sober in case we must go to war.

"I would like to be there when you tell her you are leaving her and going to work." I mock him. he needs to see what a dumb idea that is. We are still trying to get her back and her forgiveness after that and he wants to leave.

"Fuck off. I hadn't really thought about it."

"Stop being a troll, Bowie." Mason says and I quip my brow to him as I light a ciggie.

I shrug.

"We can't choose us anymore. We have to be better. She is going to be shaken when she comes back, and we don't know what that fucker..." Mason drifts off and doesn't finish the sentence none of us want to hear.

"He's right. We need to be ready for whatever and we can't do that with the takeover." Leo says

"Don't forget that its also because she's our fifth and she should be part of that decision too, assholes." I tell them cause they seem to be forgetting.

They all give me side glares. I just puff the smoke.

"What the fuck are we going to tell the Syndicate?" Bas asks

"We have to talk to her first. I don't care what they say."

"And besides with them and Clark back or whatever they are doing together, do you think they will give us reigns now?" Leo asks a pertinent question.

We all look at each other.

"Yeah, they lucky we have other priorities." Mason says.

When we walk out, we go back to our stations.

It is midnight when we finally have a location. The intel came through from one of the people in the bratva high table who hate Viktor. I guess it is true that those closest to you will always be your undoing. They are the closest proximity to stab you

We got intel its around Shankton. The drones had been passing this lone house by a lake at the edge of woods. When we really zoomed into it, we saw all the soldiers protecting it. the asshole has men stationed even in the woods and he has a patrol boat a couple of miles from the house. I'm guessing so the fucker knows when anyone comes. We have been surveilling the house for an hour and I am done waiting around.

"We need to move. We need to get her out of there." I say.

"Not yet, son. We have to use our brains not our brawn."

"He has spent years planning this. You don't know what's waiting."

"Fuck waiting. We are going. You can stay if you want but we are going." Mason heads for the door and we follow him.

"Round the prisoners, we are leaving." Bas orders the men.

Our fathers talk of calm and waiting but that's not fucking happening. We need to get them and get them now.

We get to the weapons room, and we arm ourselves as our soldiers also get ready. All of us are in our space. That little black space before we go encounter violence and blood. It feels like the calm before a fucking tsunami. Today is the day.

15 minutes later our men are ready, and we have the helicopters waiting and the men in Shankton are waiting. The time is 2am when we descend on the city. We meet in a clearing outside the city and our men are waiting with the vehicles and manpower. We are definitely war ready. Our fathers' helicopter is last on site, and we go over the plan and how we will storm the compound.

A quarter of the men will take boats and approach from the river and the rest we will come from the woods and surround the place. One way or the other we are getting her and everyone in there is dying.

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