I look around at my brothers. Bas is playing poker with one of Zaza's security detail, trying to distract himself from the fact that our girlfriend still hates us.

It was a twist of the knife when she couldn't even spare us a glance and she turned from us. I didn't expect hugs and smiles, but I wasn't prepared for contempt either. It was made worse when she basically bawled her eyes when Mason tried being playful and she just cried instead.

Mason had walked out, and he has been devastated since. He hasn't said a word to any of us since yesterday and he has kept his distance from her since. The hurt behind her eyes is something I wish I could hide from.

None of us knew it was going to be like this. We knew she'd be pissed but we didn't think it'd be this bad. Where we are isn't even the doghouse, it's the pigsty. We are drowning in our own shit.

Stupidly, we went ahead with the plan, and none of us calculated for a situation where her father would turn out to not be the traitor we thought, and everything would go so left so quickly. We thought we were being true to our vow to each other.

Even though we had decided we did not want to go with the plan towards the end but it's like the universe went out of its way to deliver our asses to us.

We fucked up so colossally and I don't know if any of us has an idea how we will dig ourselves out of this shit. Not when there isn't any room behind her eyes that says she is willing to forgive us.

Leo sits quietly across me. He and Bas were the ones who had been here in Zurich the past week checking on her. Ensuring she was fine while me and Mason were taking care of business back home. I was here with Mason the previous week. We've all been flying back and forth between the states and here the past three weeks and we have made sure to keep out of her radar.

Our fathers are keeping it on the low what they are doing with Zahara's father, but they haven't killed him yet, so I guess they are working out their issues. None of us has had ample time to give that any attention. Our girl and our child have taken over most of our worries.

Mason is sitting staring at nothing. His legs bouncing ever so slightly as his fingers drum on his thigh. I can tell he wishes so badly what we all wish: that she'd forgive us, or talk to us, curse us, yell, anything.

The haunted look on his face breaks my heart. He may be fucked up sometimes, but he is still my brother.

I play with my knife to try to center myself. I remember all the blood my blades have tasted lately but still nothing has really made me feel better.

I touch my arm where I have now healing cuts.

A week ago, the agony got too much, and I couldn't keep the urges at bay any longer. I slashed my arms and when I bled, I felt like I deserved it. I couldn't swallow all the pain we'd caused her. The possibility of her not ever wanting us ever had me grabbing the knife and turning it to myself this time.

Leo found me on the floor smoking my worries away as I bled on the floor. Which was a fucked-up idea since losing blood and smoking aren't really a good combination for the heart. After he bandaged me and gave me one of the few blood bags we keep for emergencies, he tucked me in bed.

When I saw my brothers faces the next morning, I felt like such a failure, like a coward. I had failed them, our girl and our child.

I knew she'd be disappointed in me. They made me give them my word and I gave it.

It has been hard, but I know I need to be strong. We all need to be.

The door to the bedroom opens and all our eyes snap to the direction.

She walks out with a fluffy gown, looking all sorts of cute and cozy. A small smile graces my lips.

She looks at us for a bit but more to Mason's direction. Her throat bops before she turns and heads to the direction of the kitchen.

Mason looks crushed. My already bleeding-heart clenches hard in my chest. I hate all this shit.

I miss our family. I miss us with our girl.

Fuck. This is all so fucked.

Leo rises and I grab his hand.

We all should stay away from her. We agreed to stay out of her way until she gets used to seeing us again and maybe she'll come around.

"I won't upset her." He pulls his hand from me.

I let him go. Just hoping she doesn't breakdown again. We all have to be extra careful around her now. I guess the pregnancy hormones aren't helping.

When she and Leo don't emerge from the kitchen, I get up to check what's going on. It's been half an hour.

The scene I find makes me stop dead in my tracks. She is sitting with a bowl of what looks like ice cream and Doritos in the bowl mixed together and peanut butter with a spoon in it next to the bowl. There is a chocolate wrapper and a diet coke next to her too and Leo is just sitting quietly like the scene of someone eating Doritos crushed in ice cream is normal.

Her furrowed eyebrow makes me school my face and I come in.

"I was just checking on you guys. You've been here a while. You okay, star?"

She nods with a mouth full of spoon and she looks so adorable, I can't help folding my lips with a smile.

"Don't have that opinion." She says after she swallows

My brows furrow.

"Whatever opinion you have about what I'm eating. I already have this one's silent judgment." She doesn't move her features to point to Leo.

"I haven't said anything." Leo defends himself.

"Yeah, but I see all the little monsters in your head talking shit." She says and both of us can't help our chuckles.

We regret it when she gets up with a scowl and she picks up her food. She can't carry all of it and we jump to carry it.

"Don't say a word." She points a spoon at us before she reaches for the cupboard for more chocolate bars and then she goes for the ketchup packets on the other drawer.

Both of us know we would rather have our mouths sewn shut than say anything and upset her.

Besides, I find the whole thing fascinating. We really need to make shit right with her. I want us to experience everything in this pregnancy with her. The snacking, the weird food, the emotional outbursts, the doctor visits. All of it.

Though as we walk her to the bedroom with both our hands full of snacks, I can't help remembering our current predicament when I see Mason's face full of longing and pain when we enter the room.

Me and Leo sit on the bed as she mows through a few chocolate bars and munching on ketchup on the side.

At this point I'm so fascinated, I can't look away. It's like I am experiencing whatever euphoria she's getting just by watching.

Her eyes stay on us to see if we are judging her. But I make sure my face gives nothing away. Even though I want to show her so much, want to say so much to her.

Leo looks at me and gives me an obscure look, like he wants us to say something, but I shrug. I am enjoying this inch she has given us.

"Hoshi..." he starts, and she halts her movements with a ketchup sachet dangling in her mouth. Fuck, she looks adorable.

Her eyes harden. She wants us to be careful where we are going with this, and I want Leo to fucking watch it too.

Leo clears his throat. "When we get back to school, we would like you to come stay with us at the house. We would to look after both of you."

Oh, yes. That very important thing I had forgotten about.

Her whole face hardens. She doesn't even consider it.

"No." She says sternly.

There is a knock on the door. None of us beckon them in but the door opens, and Bas comes in. She looks at the door with hope in her eyes. She's looking for Mason. I think she feels bad. She and Mason have been sharing awkward stares.

She looks back down to her bowl of snacks before she slightly shakes her head and places them in the tray. I feel bad for ruining her eating.

Bas says nothing and she looks at him, waiting for him to say something but he just shrugs.

"Hoshi, reconsider it." Leo speaks again

"No, Leo. No."

He flinches a little at the name. She hit him right in the gut. I know we wronged her but fuck she is digging in.

"I'm gonna assume that's about staying at the house?" Bas comes closer and sits next to me.

"Babe, we won't be in your way. We just want to be close when you need anything. You are already 3 months along and you've been alone all this time. We won't even speak if you want us to shut up." Bas makes our case.

She is quiet for a few seconds. Hope starts blooming in my belly. Maybe-

"No."

Fuck.

"Zaza, please." I jump in

"I said no."

"Why are you being so stubborn?" it spills from my lips before I have the will to stop it. I ask because I am getting weary. It doesn't come out like I mean it. I don't mean to be hard; we are just frustrated. We just want to take care of her.

"Get out. Just leave me alone." Her face thunders. I hesitate.

Fuck. I'm such an idiot.

"Estrellita, I'm sorry. I just...We just miss you and we are all going insane. Let us talk, please... I...."

Someone pulls me off the bed and I turn to find Leo's pissed off face and Bas isn't better with his hands in his pocket, and he looks like he wants to bite my head off, literally. She looks away from me.

Fuck, my heart. It squeezes so tightly in my chest.

I let them pull me out, but I shove Leo as soon as we are outside. My whole body vibrates in dark emotions. Bas grabs my hands and Mason is next to us the next second.

"Let me go, asshole." I bark at Bas

"Fuck is going on? What happened?" Mason has his deadly gaze on me.

"He fucking called her stubborn and she got upset." Leo steps closer to me. Mason raises his hands to his chest, stopping his advancing.

Mason is in one of those moods. He will fucking blow any second. It's one of those moods where he truly is Diavolo, the crazy Italian. His ire turns to me like I stole his first born.

"Bowie, we don't need this shit right now. Stay away from her." He points at me with his index, and I don't know why but all my rage turns to him. Fuck he think he is.

"We won't win her back by not talking to her. We need her. We need her to talk. Fuck, just.... Don't you..."

"Don't finish that shit, Bowie." Bas says behind me. Mason pulls me to the kitchen, and they all escort me like I will run back in there and call her out of her name.

We all sit down. But I know we are all just in a state of anger and pain and so much fucking regret and we are all just trying to do the little things. But we won't get her back but running away from things. We need her back for our sake and hers. We belong together, dammit.

"Don't fucking say things like that to her." Bas reprimands me.

I let him have his word and I don't respond. I know they all are here to scold me, but I think we shouldn't give up. She needs us.

"She is too sensitive right now." Mason says like his heart is breaking. He just misses our best friend who jokes about all tragedies.

"She still needs us close though." I murmur.

"She said no to the idea to live at the house." Leo says.

We are all thoughtful for a second. Then Mason smirks a little.

The devil has a plan, like always.

"Then we move to her." He says simply and we are all staring for him to continue because I hope he doesn't mean all 5 of us live in that small one room dorm. That will be insane.

"Next to her?" Leo asks and it clicks.

I grin.

"What about those other kids?" Bas asks

"Fuck them kids." Me and Mason say in unison, and we all chuckle.