I turn in front of the mirror to look at myself before I put on my t-shirt. I am starting to show even if it's still small. The shirt is loose fitting. I don't like people seeing my belly. I am not ashamed to be pregnant, but I feel like people eye you differently, like you are sick or something if you are pregnant and I am not ready for that. The staff at the hospital would fuss over me, especially Betha. She is such a mother hen.

I know my mother was in good hands with them and coming here has helped a great deal. Helping at the hospital and helping with other patients has meant a lot to me.

Although it has been difficult because I know firsthand what the families and the patients are going through, but it has helped hearing stories about my mom and all the things she said about me.

I also found out my mother left letters for me. The staff gave them to me when I came. They said she wrote them every day. some are just her telling me about her days, some are love letters, some have advice, and some have the stories I always hounded her for from her past and she never told.

My mother somehow knew I'd come here. That's how much she knew me. She knew I'd come here for the closure. That I would want to be near this place. Although it hasn't stopped hurting every day, but I am celebrating her more than being sad.

Her life, her light, her love. I want to just honor her life any and every way I can. The past three weeks here in Zurich was truly the best thing I could have done for myself.

It sure beats being back home where they were. Where our fathers were. Even though they all call every day, and I ignore their calls every day, its different than them being nearby where they can stop by. The boys have all also called and texted every day and I ignore them too most days. It hasn't stopped hurting every day.

Being here has given me abundant time to think. I know a few things. I am still very heartbroken. Although I know, knowing their fathers, they had little choice, but it doesn't make me feel better. Our relationship didn't have anything to do with that. Which is strange because I knew from the start of the relationship it wasn't all pure intention, but I fell in love with them and that's what makes it different.

If they loved me then they should have fought harder for me, but they threw me to the wolves. They chose power over me. I don't know if I can see past that. I know they love me, and they are sorry but I'm too hurt.

They were the people closest to my heart and they betrayed me. They betrayed me knowing exactly what they were doing. They meant to hurt me. It's for that reason I can't hear their apologies.

What happens when there is another situation and its now me and my child?

There is a whole other human now. The world I am bringing them to is fucked up. Their fathers are criminal bosses. They will have a life as complicated, maybe even more, than mine. Their fathers have enemies, much like my own. And I know firsthand how that can be harmful. Inheriting enemies you didn't even ask for, being forced to situations you didn't want.

It is up to me to try and make it as least toxic for them as I can. It is up to me to protect them because other people have other priorities, but peanut is my number 1 priority and I will fight for their safety and happiness with everything I have, much like my own mother did.

Though some may say if I really wanted to protect them, I wouldn't have brought them in this complicated situation but not bringing them in this world wasn't a consideration; I already love them so much. I think about who they'll be, what they'll like and how I will make sure they never taste a pickle until they are 18 and they can choose for themselves.

I rub my belly as I pick up the jacket from the bed, smiling to myself. Zurich is cold, and I always need an extra jacket. Where I'm from it doesn't even snow and we barely get really cold winters. But Europe is a nightmare with the cold weather.

I walk out of my room, and I head downstairs to pick up donuts for Betha and the croissants for other staff. I always bring them something from the hotel every morning. It is one of the ways I thank the people who took such great care of my favorite human, even if its small.

After, I head to the hotel parking, and I get into my rental, and I drive to the hospital. I spot the men who have been placed as my security. They keep their distance and I mostly just pretend they aren't there. When I had first spotted them, I was incensed. I gave the four idiots a few choice words when I got here. Luckily, they had men I was familiar with tail me, otherwise I would have been scared out of my mind. They follow me everywhere.

Although they keep their distance, but it is annoying that even thousands of miles away from the bullshit, bullshit still followed me. I have learned to tune them out and pretend they aren't there, and they never bother me. Sometimes I don't even see them, but I always know they are there, watching, lurking.

Which is why it has been a bit fun going on a few 'dates' with coworkers knowing they will report to them. It earned me a series of angry texts from Mason this one time but care I do not. Especially because my precious is my new super weapon. All I have to say is they are stressing me out and they leave me alone. It hurts hurting them, and I know its petty, but they deserve my ire.

I slot myself in my designated parking at the hospital and I slip out of the car.

I greet everyone and I leave them the pastries before I walk into Betha's office.

"Old lady." I greet her with a smile.

She frowns before she smiles seeing the box.

"Young lady, give me my treats." She elongates her hands and I shake my head. Betha is the most bribable person I've ever known. Definitely political office material.

She rises and gives me a hug before she snatches the box.

"It's always great knowing you like these donuts more than me."

She sighs as she chews. "I will miss these."

"Betha!"

"I will miss you too. You know that, small bean." She smiles then she turns a little serious. "Are you sure you don't want to finish your schooling here? You are much happier since you've been here."

I chuckle. "Just because of the donuts, Beth?"

"Not just the donuts. Who else will calm Mrs. Thorne now? You know she thinks the rest of us are trying to poison her." She smiles.

Old lady Thorne is a bit schizophrenic, and she is of the mind her children and the doctors lied to her about the cancer and it's a conspiracy to kill her so they can harvest her, and she thinks all the nurses are in on it. She is fine on most days but then some days she has her episodes, and it can be dark. And for some reason she trusts me. I wish I wasn't going but I can't run away from my own life forever. I need to go back.

Even though I know it will be a headache, but I need to go back. I may be hurt still but I can't deny I miss them. I miss their lying, deceitful faces. And besides, how can I be petty when I'm all the way here?

I know we will be in each other's life forever now, but I need to figure how that's going to look like for myself and peanut. I have no solid plan for now. But pettiness is definitely there.

I change to the volunteer's uniform, and I go to the staff quarters. I take the jobs for the day, and I follow my first nurses.

By lunch time, I am sitting outside with Mrs. Baxter, a rich lady from London. She is smoking her blunt, and unlike my mother, she always offers me a hit and she hates chocolate. I don't take it or stand too close to inhale it.

I have noticed she is very observant, and she has a way about her that makes you want to trust her. She has been here for 2 weeks and in that time, she has got me talking about the boys and my heartbreak, that is something none of the staff knows. I hadn't told her about the baby, electing to sit on that little piece of info.

"So, are you going to tell them?" she breaks the silence, not even looking my way, but ogling a cute male nurse she has had her eye on a whole week.

I turn to her with furrowed brows.

"The pregnancy. You are pregnant, right?"

My eyes widen. I want to deny it but what's the point, it's my last day here anyway. I sigh. "They know."

She quips her eyebrows, but she doesn't say anything.

"What?"

"I am surprised they aren't here." She says thoughtfully

"They know I'll be upset if they come near me." I say in almost a whisper. Her words make me realize I am a bit hurt because they haven't showed up here even if I'll be annoyed.

"So how will you make them grovel?" she spots a small devious smile on her face

"I don't know. Any ideas from your time?" I tease and she narrows her winged eyes at me. Mrs. Baxter is one of the few patients who insists on a full face every day. It's like she's horrified by her own face. And she has flawless skin, but she insists.

On the days she's too tired because of the treatments, she has me or one of the other volunteers do it for her. She almost brought the hospital down with her screams 5 days ago when the male volunteer made her look like the Halloween undead. It was hilarious.

I wheel her inside when I am finished, and I finish with the other patients. At 2pm, they throw a surprise party for me before I go with the staff and some of the patients. I got so many gifts. I had to be helped to my car.

Coming here has definitely helped. I feel closer to my mom, and I am feeling less hopeless about her passing. I miss her so much, but I am so grateful for all we shared.

I drive back to my hotel, and I pass by my favorite Korean restaurant to pick up my order of dumplings. Tonight, I will stuff my face. My flight is at 3pm tomorrow, so plenty of time to recover from the food coma I am trying to have tonight.

Morning sickness has gotten much better. I've had less and less the past 2 weeks.

I park my car in my slot. I take my bag and I open the boot to get a few of the presents so I can see them. When my hands land on the bag, I get a feeling that someone is here. My heart shoots up. I don't know anyone here. I feel for the knife before I lower the boot.

A mixture of relief, anger, unwelcome excitement and annoyance sets in me. We stand there staring at each other. I take each one in. They look good. As hot as ever. They just stand there not saying anything.

All the feelings come back to me and under it all the hurt. I blink before I go the other way. I will use the other elevator. I walk, but I don't make it far before I hear footsteps behind me. I want to scream for them to leave me alone, but I know they won't. I can't help it but I stop and I turn, annoyance choking me.

"What are you doing here?" I snap

None of them cowers. I narrow my eyes. They just look at me, giving no indication of being affected by my outburst. Which makes me madder.

"We are here to take you home." Bas says

I blink back tears when I hear his voice after three weeks. I turn before I start crying.

Fucking hormones.

My heels clink on the floor and their lighter steps are more felt than heard. I punch the button for the elevator probably harder and more times than necessary. I get in when it arrives, and I want to tell them to wait for the next one, but it doesn't seem they are here to play games this time.

They fill the small space, and they don't say anything. We ride in silence. I look away from all of them, but I feel their gazes on my back, sending confusing feelings. But I stump on all that shit. Fuck them. Fuck them all.

We walk to my room, and I walk in. I try to close the door on their face, but Mason puts his foot inside, blocking my dramatically shutting the door on their stupid faces.

"You can't come in here."

"Zara." Mason's voice comes in a warning, and I scoff but I let the door go. I take off my heels and they move around. I don't even care what they are doing. I place my food on the table.

They make themselves comfortable, but they say nothing. Leo goes to the closet, and he takes my bags. I guess they'll be good for something. I was dreading packing. Bas and Jose sit on the two-seater and Mason stands on the balcony looking out to the city.

I need a shower. I go to the bathroom, and I undress.

I hate the myriad of emotions I'm feeling. I am still mad as fuck, but I also can never deny still feeling so much more. I let the tears fall in the shower as I wash my body and I try to steady my emotions.

When I am finished being an emotional wreck, I switch the water and I dry my body. I towel dry my hair and put on its nutrients and leave it to air dry. I walk out in a robe. I realize it's a silk robe, but I didn't know they'd be coming here. Its whatever.

I walk out and find them congregated in the seating area. Exactly where my food is. They all turn to me, and their eyes rake my body, lingering on my small belly. They look at me like they are seeing me for the first time. I roll my eyes with a groan. I fold my arms at Mason sitting in my chair. He knows what I want.

He smirks and brushes his lap. My anger comes back full force and I clench my fists. He is in my seat. First, he breaks my heart, now he wants to take my seat.

"Mason, man, move. You're upsetting her." Jose says from the other couch and tears I didn't want coming forth stain my vision. His face falls speedily, and he moves.

"I'm sorry." He says standing in front of me. I swallow a sharp lump in my throat, and I turn back, and I go to the bathroom.

My tears fall.

Fuck.

Why am I crying?

I hear soft knocks on the door.

"Zar, open please. What's wrong?" I hear Bas's concerned voice on the other side, and I don't know what to tell him.

"Hoshi. Open for us, please. Let's talk."

I go to the mirror, and I look at my red eyes.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I look at myself.

What was that?

I sigh before I splash water on my face. I dry my face and I apply moisturizer again. I get out and I find them standing there, but Mason isn't. I look for him, but he isn't anywhere even the balcony.

"He's taking a walk." Jose answers my unspoken question. That tugs at my heart. I feel bad. I didn't mean to cry. I drop my gaze and I nod.

I feel so weird.

I go take the seat and none of them come close. I mean, it's what I want but they are all walking on eggshells around me and somehow it doesn't feel as great as I want it to.

I eat two dumplings for the baby because they need to eat, and I drink lots of orange juice. I sleep after.

Later at night I wake up to find them sleeping on the couches and I kind of feel bad, but I rebuke that.

I get up to get some water. My eyes meet Mason's when my feet hit the carpet. He isn't sleeping. He just looks at me like he wants to say something. I also want to say something. Like I wasn't upset at him, I mean I was because he has a stupid face, but the crying was just the hormones.

Seeing them has my emotions all haywire and I don't know what to do with myself. But I say nothing. I pass and I get my water. In the morning, I let them take me to the jet, foregoing my ticket. I get in the bedroom, and I lock myself in there.

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