I stare into Jose's eyes as he holds my waist like he never wants to let me go again. It's still a bit sour that I did not allow them to come with and I also declined using their family private jets. A decision I regret a little now if I'm honest, but I don't want something to anger my father more when he finds out I am out the country. I am not ready to share my relationship with him just yet or am I ready for his speeches. This is my life. I am 18. He doesn't control me anymore and I will no longer party to his hate.

"Estrellita, call as soon as you land, okay?"

I nod.

"She's not going to die in Switzerland, Bowie." Mason comes and stands behind me

Leo just stands next to us with his hands in his pockets, his gaze keeps sweeping our surroundings. Bas has a more serious demeanour today, and that is unusual he is the most light-hearted out of the boys. But his eyes keep raking the airport as we wait for my flight.

"Don't miss us too much, sweetheart." Mason says in my ear, the vibration of his voice travels all over my body making me wet. I take a calming breath. I find their idiot smirking faces when I look up. Jose leans in and he kisses me, a sweet, lingering kiss. Mason kisses my neck and all at once I wish this flight would get delayed.

We haven't kept our hands off each other after Bas took my virginity. Remembering makes me more needy. They were all there and by the time Bas penetrated me I had cum so many times I lost count and they all made it an experience for us. I mean, what could have been better than losing your virginity in a gorgeous mansion in Malibu over reflections of the moon kissing the ocean, and the men of your dreams all working together to give you earth shattering orgasms. They were amazing and we spent the night there, but we flew in the morning, and we made lunch break. We have been even more inseparable than before.

And there's been more sleepovers.

The announcer announces my flight and I want to laugh because I hear Mason growl like he wants to punch the lady. We say our goodbyes and I board the plane. I slept most of the 11 hours because Leo had kept me awake most of the night. We talked mostly about everything and nothing at all.

I take a cab when I land in Zurich.

I watch the buildings rush by as the cab takes me to my hotel. I arrived with enough time to check in and then go see her during visiting hours. Luckily the doctors gave me the go to have as much time with her as I wanted. I will be here for 3 days, and I aim to spend every moment with her.

My phone chimes.

I smile to myself. I had so many texts from them when I landed. This is all so difficult for us. I know they wanted to come with, but it is what it is.

The back of my eye lids burn with tears, and I blink them back. I don't wanna cry.

I feel the frustration coming from his text. I turn my screen black. There won't be any use talking about it. We are all in this fucked up situation. We hate it. But it's the only reality we have. Our lives are the only ones we have.

The taxi stops in front of a vintage looking hotel that looks expensive. I get off. I check in at the reception and I make my way to my room.

When I check the time, I see I have about 3 hours before I'm set to see her. Excitement courses through me.

In that time, I talk to all my boyfriends. They held me on a call. They were in Houston for Business. I freshened up and got into jeans and a hoodie and I left to see my old lady.

At the reception, they let me through, but I have to wait a bit because her doctor was with her. The flowers and her gift bag shake in my hand. I am so nervous. I haven't seen her in five months. I didn't realize how deeply I missed seeing her in my daily life.

A few minutes later her doctor comes out and he greets me. He gives me progress on her treatment. They have hope for this round and she is responding very well to the treatment. I am a little lighter when I walk in, and I find her looking out the window to distant buildings.

I stand at the door. Tears fall as my chest is crushed. I sniffle and she turns.

"Zaz!" she says with her weary face and her pale blonde hair that doesn't shine like it always did.

"Mommy." I step closer and I crush her in a tight hug, flowers and gift bag on the floor.

"Oh, my beautiful stubborn girl." She sniffles

I cry harder. "Mommy, I've missed you so much."

We pull apart. We are both crying. She shakes her head.

"Figured you'd sneak in on me, huh?"

I nod because a lump is currently in my throat, and I can't speak. I bend and pick up the flowers and the gift bag. I place them on her. She smells them.

"If pollen could cure cancer, I'd be healed by now." She says.

"Mom!"

She chuckles. "Hey, I can say it cause I have cancer."

I roll my eyes and I check the flowers on her other side. They haven't wilted. I did have them delivered 3 days ago.

"Can they borrow us another vase for these?"

"I don't know. We can ask the nurse when she comes in half an hour."

I nod. Not believing these are the conversations me and her are having now. A year ago, we were planning a trip to Mauritius and after that a cruise from Mauritius to Mozambique then South Africa. Now we have to talk about times nurses bring her pain medication.

"Zaz, don't think so hard, honey, you are making me sad."

Her words bring me back and I sigh. She opens her gift and it's a signed copy of an unreleased book from our favorite author. I had to use my father's name to get it, but I did. I also got her a bracelet. My mother has always loved shiny things. Lastly, I got her a box of our favorite chocolate. I had ordered it before I came, and I had it delivered at the hotel before I got there.

"So, I want to know everything. Tell me the tea. How is Simba?"

I smile. "He is fine. Him and his girlfriend apparently have passed second base." I give her the look and she laughs.

"Our little baby bird Simba!" she cooes

"Mom! He wasn't a virgin."

"You don't know that." She shrugs

I place my face in my hand sighing.

"Hey mom, when did you lose your virginity?" I realized I've never asked her before.

She swallows. "In college."

"Father?"

She shakes his head. "Oh, you saucy saucy Missy. Tell me!" I say excitedly

"Ey, we are not discussing my deflowering."

I grimace. "Ew!"

"So, you and your virginity, when are we losing that?"

My eyes widen. Shit. I hadn't planned on what I'll tell her.

I shake my head. "No, mom."

She looks at me for a long time, then I see a smile on her face. "Who was it?"

My mouth drops. "Huh?"

"When?"

"Huh?"

"Zahara Willow Clark!"

"Yes, mother."

She narrows her eyes at me.

"Fine, I did. But I can't tell you more than that." My cheeks get hot

"This is big." She opens her arms and I come close and get a hug for losing my virginity. It is then I realize my mom and I are closer than normal mothers and daughters. We really are best friends.

She waits for me and after a staring contest that went on for minutes, I finally cave.

"It was Sebastian."

Her brows furrow a bit. "Which Sebastian?"

"Sebastian Cirilo, mom."

She looks at me for a long moment. She doesn't seem angry. She seems...relieved.

"Wait, mom, did you know they were at my school?"

She nods.

My body goes slack on the chair.

"You knew? All this time?" I can't keep the hurt in my voice

"Listen, honey, it wasn't like that. You need them back in your life."

"Mom..." I lose my trail of thought. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was a difficult situation, my baby. But you and those boys had a bond that is stronger than the bullshit. I know you'll overcome the mess."

"Does dad know?"

She shakes her head. "I convinced him to take you to that school." She pauses and knits her fingers. "I am sick, honey."

Stab in my heart.

My tears fall. My nose feeling tingly as a large lump forms in my throat.

She takes my hand in her weaker, pale ones. "Listen, I know it's horrible, but I am sick. It could go either way. I just...I wanted you to have support. You need your friends, your family, honey. People who can help you when I can't." her voice says the last part lower

I pull my hand from her. "No! Mom, no!" she can't say that to me. she'll survive. She has to.

She rubs my arm. I shake as I cry for her and myself. She pulls my head to lay on her lap and she brushes my hair and face as I sob.

"Mom, you can't leave me. You can't think it."

"I'm sorry, honey."

She brushes me until I calm down. I can't accept a future where she isn't there. I just won't.

Her nurses come in after half an hour like she said, and they give her her medication. I watch from the chair as they change her drip and pump her full of drugs.

Tears don't stop falling from my face, even as I answer the nurse's questions about what I study and career aspirations.

I see it then: my mother is suffering. Living is simply too hard for her.

After they leave, I come close to her. My eyes still wet but I want to make every second count. I sit next to her, and I take the tray with the small bowl of yogurt they left and I sit next to her with a spoon.

"Okay, so I am seeing them mom." I start and I bring a spoon to her mouth. She opens her mouth. I want to laugh because I don't know if she is opening it for the food or she's gasping.

"It hasn't been long. It started rocky. They were still angry about what father did. They kinda bullied me a bit."

"What?" she frowns

"Don't make that face, lady." I smile at her. She folds her hands and I chuckle.

"They are the popular boys; the bullies of the school and they have everybody on lock down." I let that settle in her.

"Their fathers influence I'm guessing." She says thoughtfully

"They locked me in this smelly room for hours and I almost died." I make a face remembering the smells so vividly I want to heave. "Anyway, things kinda changed after that. They knew they took things too far and they started apologizing. And dot dot dot, the carnival. That's when we talked and we sorto decided to give things a go." I shrug

"Wait, that was 2 Fridays ago?"

I smile. "Yeah, it's really new."

I see concern in her eyes before she asks. "Are you happy?"

Her question makes me think. Am I happy? Do they make me happy?

Being with them feels so right and natural at all levels.

"I am." I answer honestly. She opens her arms and I receive my mother's love and acceptance.

"Then I am happy for you, my beautiful girl." She kisses my temple. I pull away and take the seat and I resume feeding her.

"So, when did the virginity thing happen?"

I snort. "Oh, now it's the virginity thing?"

"I know Sebastian, he was like a son to me, its...its gross."

"Mom! You saying my sex life is gross? Is that the message you are sending to me?"

She chuckles weakly. "No, but the boys were like my own children too." She gets thoughtful. "You know I thought something like this would happen. Your father used to get mad when I said it, but I knew all of you were made for each other."

I smile at her words.

"Do you have pictures. Tell me about them. How are they? Who are they now?"

I grin widely. I pull my phone and I sit next to her on the bed. I showed her half the pictures, adding commentary, what we were doing, everything, saying before she said she needed sleep.

I stayed in her room for hours watching her sleep and trying to take in the reality of our situation. Later, the nurses told me to come back tomorrow. The meds knock her out until morning.

I go back to my hotel. Feeling both lighter and heavier.

_________________________________________