Guysssss. I'm sorryyyyyyy 🥺. But I did warn y'all and I remember y'all telling me to do what I had to do.

Everything was still and silent. The air felt stiff and cold, like it was clinging to the walls. There was no space for me to breathe, my air had been taken from me. I sat by Sinai's bedside, watching my first baby hooked up to all these machines, where did I go wrong?

I was meant to protect her, to be there for her and in her last moments I wasn't there. I promised to be the mother I never had and I couldn't even do that. I failed at the one thing I was destined to be.

I looked down at Saint in my arms and I can only cry. He should be with someone better, someone that will protect him, I can't do that.

"Baby you have to eat something," Amir said coming into the hospital room. Saint squirmed in my arms, reaching for his dad. I let him take him because I know he doesn't want to be near me.

Amir has been amazing, he's held me when I cry myself to sleep, he's let me scream and smash things and get so angry because my light has been dimmed.

Sinai was my world, the reason I kept going but now I don't have her and don't have a reason to keep going.

"You're not hungry?" He asked me, fixing Saint's bib and getting a bottle out. I refused to breast feed him so it would be easier for his next mother to take him.

I shook my head and leaned forward, laying my head on Sinai's lap. Tears welled in my eyes as I watched her, she couldn't even breathe on her own. All because of me, all because I let a man destroy me.

"I-it's not fair," I cried, "it's not fair, why her? Why couldn't this happen to me?"

"Baby," Amir sighed. He came over to me but he didn't look at Sinai. He hasn't looked at her this entire time, it's like he couldn't.

"I just want her back, Amir. Bring her back for me," I wailed.

"If I could I would mama, in a heartbeat," He said clearing his throat.

"Look at her then." I said to him, "Speak to her, she hasn't heard her daddy's voice," I replied putting me head up.

"She can't hear," He said to me taking a seat beside me.

"Tell her you love her and you miss her," I said ignoring his last comment, "Maybe if she hears us she'll come back,"

"Lala the doctors —"

"I don't care what the doctors said." I snapped, "They can't tell me that she's brain dead, they don't know that,"

"Baby they know, we've spoken to every senior brain specialist in the state, she's gone"

"Get out then," I said turning away from him, "We don't need that negative energy do we baby?" I said holding Sinai's hand.

"You're gonna come back to me, I know you will," I whispered to her.

Amir sighed, "The doctors want to speak to us,"

"They don't help, all they want to do is give up Amir, I'm not giving up," I cried. "Sinai please don't go, mommy is right here," I sobbed. Amir sighed and put Saint down in his carrier before pulling me into him.

"She can't go," I cried in his arms,

"She's gone Naala," He said to me, his voice weak not loud like it usually is.

"I didn't get to say bye or that I love her," I cried rocking back and forth,

"She knows you love her," He replied, "We told her every day,"

"It's not fair," I screamed. I've lost two children, all in the space of 5 years.

"It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair," I repeated, Amir held me tighter allowing me to crumble in his arms.

"You don't even care," I cried to him,

"Don't say that," He replied quickly, "You think I want to see my little girl go?"

"But you're not fighting for her," I sobbed,

"You're gonna let them take her from us,"

"Naala stop saying shit like that, I want her to come back but she can't!" I snapped. She looked up at me and burst into tears.

"Fuck man," I mumbled. I didn't mean to snap on her but this had been the same thing every day for 2 weeks. She cries and cries and I'm the one that has to pick up the pieces. Then if I don't cry like her she accuses me of not caring.

"This is my fault," She shuddered, "Because I'm weak and damaged, I let this happen. This is all down to me,"

I didn't reply because something in me blamed her. If she never messed with Darnell this wouldn't be happening. If she told me about Sinai when she was born I would have had more time with her.

"You blame me too huh?" Naala spoke again, "If you want to leave you can,"

"I'm not leaving you again." I shook my head.

"You can't even say you don't blame me," She cried harder. "I'm such a bad mom,"

I sighed and rubbed her back. I just let her speak because I didn't know what to say.

"They're waiting for us to say yes Naala," I said referring to the doctors waiting outside.

She ignored me and continued to sob in my arms. I clenched my jaw and looked up at the ceiling, I can't cry, not now.

"I can't," She mumbled. "You do it,"

I huffed and slid her off my lap and into the chair next to me. I kissed her cheek and wiped her face,

"We're gonna be good," I said to her.

"How?" She said looking at me, "How Amir? Without her I'm nothing,"

"What about Saint?" I spoke,

"He needs a good mother and I can't give that to him," Naala muttered,

"Naala you're the best mother I know,"

"Don't lie, if I was that great out daughter wouldn't be laid up in this bed," She snapped at me.

"You took your meds today?" I said. Because the way she was snapping at me today wasn't normal.

She shook her head, "I told you they make me drowsy,"

I sucked my teeth and reached into her bag. I pulled them out and got out a bottle of water,

"Here," I said handing it to her. "I'm gonna go speak to them," I said pointing to the doctors.

She ignored me setting the water bottle down. I got up and left because if I didn't I would go crazy on her.

"We're ready," I said to the doctors. Since the first day Sinai was admitted they told us she wouldn't survive, but Naala insisted we keep her on life support.

"We know this isn't an easy decision but we've ran every test possible, her brain is decaying, even if she was to wake up she would never be the same,"

I nodded and turned away. Through the glass window I could see Naala sobbing holding onto Sinai. It's breaking me to see her like this, to see my baby laid up in that bed. But I have to strong because my family needs me, I'm not allowed to break down and cry like Naala, who would keep us going?

Saint started to cry in his carrier and I watched how Naala reacted. She leaned down and picked him up. It was like he was foreign to her, her son that she carried.

She put him on her shoulder and cried with him. She didn't try to console him or see why he was crying, she just cried with him.

"Can you give us a moment?" I asked the doctors who were waiting to turn off the machine.

"Take all the time you need, we'll be right outside,"

I nodded and pushed the door open, but stopped when I heard Naala speaking to Saint.

"... Mommy's sorry baby, I've been waiting on your sister to come back, I didn't mean to abandon you," She sniffed kissing his cheek, "I didn't realise I was being a bad mommy Sainty but you're all I have left," She cried.

I pushed the door open fully and stepped in. Saint looked at me but carried on squealing at Naala.

"Wow son, you forgotten me already," I said trying to lighten the mood. Naala looked over at me and sighed,

"They want to do it now?" She asked clearing her throat.

"We can say bye first," I walked over to Sinai and held her hand.

"I'm sorry Nai, I'm sorry that I couldn't save you baby." I started to get choked up, how can you say goodbye to a 5 year old?

"I can't do this," I sniffed moving to the side and taking Saint from Naala's arms.

"It's okay," Naala cried rubbing my back. "She knows what you want to say, don't you Nai?"

I watched Naala speak to her and rub her face, but I just couldn't. I couldn't be okay with this.

"I don't want her to go," Naala cried getting in the bed with her, "I want to stay with her,"

I nodded and sniffed, wiping my face. I looked out the window and nodded towards the doctors. They came in and started to check her vitals,

"I'm not moving," Naala sobbed, the doctors understood and let her lie with Sinai.

Saint babbled in my arms, trying to reach for Naala because he didn't understand why she was crying.

"It can't be," The doctor said as he looked at the machine. Naala popped her head up,

"What is it?" We both asked,

"There seems to be brain activity," He said with an astonished look,

"I knew my baby was still here," Naala said holding onto Sinai,

"Lala come here so they can check her properly," I said helping her out of the bed. She clung onto me as we both watched them check Sinai and her charts.

"We are going to take her for an MRI, if this is true then this is truly a miracle."

I clenched my jaw because I didn't want them to give Naala false hope, the look of hope on her face was the first happy expression she'd made in two weeks.

They wheeled Sinai out of the room, dragging the life support machine with them.

"I told you Amir, our baby is still here!" Naala said to me excitedly.

"I heard them mama," I said softly. Saint was falling asleep so I put him in his carrier and rocked it slowly with my foot. Naala laid her head on my chest,

"Love sleep, you've been awake all night," I said rubbing her back.

"But what if she comes back?" She asked lowly, I know she was tired.

"I'll wake you up," I kissed her head. She nodded and snuggled into me, allowing herself to sleep.

I closed my eyes as well and let my mind wander. Moments later, I also fell asleep with Naala.

I fluttered my eyes open and saw an unfamiliar surrounding. I was in a white room, everything was white down to my clothes.

"Daddy!" I heard a familiar squeal. I turned around quickly.

"Nai," I smiled as she jumped into my arms.

"I'm having so much fun daddy," She smiled back at me. I saw a boy walk over, he couldn't be older than 5. He resembled both me and Naala. "This is my brother," Sinai said pointing to the boy.

"Ameer say hello!" She snapped at him. The boy looked up at me and my heart skipped a beat, it was like I was looking into Naala's eyes.

"Hi," He waved shyly. Sinai tutted and jumped out of my arms.

"He's shy but he won't be for long," She giggled. Ameer clung to her, holding her hand as she led me to the chairs.

"Daddy I missed you," Sinai smiled, "Me and Ameer missed you so much but Grandpa said that you would come."

"Grandpa?" I asked. Suddenly a door opened and my dad stepped in.

"You done got ugly as shit boy," My dad laughed. I mugged him as he pulled me into a hug.

"My boy," He cheered rocking us side to side, "You made some bad ass kids,"

"Grandpa no cussing," Sinai gasped with her hand on her hip.

"Dad where is this?" I said looking around.

"It's not heaven boy otherwise I wouldn't be here." He laughed loudly.

"Me and Ameer came here to keep this little one safe," He said ruffling Nai's hair.

"Ameer come here," He called out. He ran over standing by my dad's side. "You've been begging to meet your daddy now you're acting all shy,"

I kneeled down and summoned him to me, "You're shy?" I asked.

"I was scared to meet you," The resemblance to Naala was scary, it was like I was speaking to her.

"Don't be scared, I'm your dad," I said to him bringing him into a hug.

"I told him that," Sinai laughed. "He's such a scaredy-cat,"

"Shut up," He gritted out looking at Sinai.

"You shut up," She replied quickly screwing her face up.

"Daddy!" They both called out with pouts on their face.

"I told you, they are some bad ass kids," My dad said slapping my chest.

"Ameer don't speak to your sister like that and Sinai you know better," I scolded them.

They both looked at me with an upset look, "That's why I'm going back with daddy and you're staying here," Sinai teased him.

Ameer's eyes welled up with tears, "I wanna go with you daddy, I want to see my mommy,"

Tears gathered in my eyes as well, I didn't know what to say. My dad stepped in and picked him up,

"Remember what we talked about Meer, you stay here with PawPaw and we protect your little sisters and brother," My dad said to him.

"Sisters?" I asked with a confused face.

"Y'all have sex every second and you didn't think she was gonna get pregnant again?" My dad asked me with a smirk,

"Daddy what's sex?" Sinai asked tilting her head.

"Something you will never have," I smiled back at her.

"Mommy has my sister in her belly!" Sinai said excitedly, "That's why I'm coming back,"

"You're coming back with me?" I asked to be sure.

"Yes daddy," She laughed hugging me, "I wish Ameer could come," She pouted,

"He's good here," My dad said to her as Ameer laid his head on my dad's shoulder, "Now you need to go back to my daughter in law, she needs you,"

With those words, everything disappeared and I was back in the hospital room. I looked around and Sinai was back in the room with Naala by her side.

"Finally, I thought you weren't gonna wake up," Naala said coming over to me, "Why do you look like you've seen a ghost?"

"I had a crazy dream," I said lowly. She nodded and sat in my lap,

"They said they need to run more tests," She said leaning on me. I wrapped my arms around her waist,

"She's coming back," I said assuringly,

"I hope so," Naala whispered softly. "I can't lose another child,"

"We won't," I responded, I contemplated telling her about the dream but I wanted to wait for the doctors to tell us what was happening.

I looked at Sinai and saw her hand twitch lightly. "You just saw that right?" I asked Naala,

"Saw what?" Naala said sitting up. I looked at Sinai closely again to make sure my eyes weren't playing with me.

"That," I said standing up quickly as her hand moved more, this time faster than before.

"Oh my God," Naala said rushing over to her side. "Get the doctor," She shouted. I rushed out of the room and looked for someone that could help us.

I held Sinai's hand tightly, "Do that again baby, for me," I coached her. She squeezed my hand lightly and I smiled, tears running down my face.

"That's it baby, mommy's right here," I cried squeezing her hand back.

Amir came back in the room with a female doctor.

"She just squeezed my hand," I said pointing to her hand in mine.

The doctor came over and used a stethoscope on her chest. "This is amazing," She mumbled.

"What is?" I asked looking at them both. Amir held my waist and put his chin on my head.

"We thought she was brain dead but clearly we missed something. I don't want to speak too soon until all the results are back but I think you've got a little fighter on your hands."

"So she's still there?" Dave said from behind me,

Sinai's hand twitched again and this time she lifted her hand up slightly.

"Oh my baby," I cried holding onto her hand. "I knew you wouldn't leave me,"

Her eyes started to flicker, "Okay I need to get someone," The doctor said leaving the room.

"Amir I told you," I said turning in his arms. "She wouldn't leave us,"

"That's my girl," He said looking down at me. His eyes travelled to my stomach and he put his hand on it.

"What are you doing?" I asked moving his hand, "Nows not the time for your jokes," I reminded him.

I got out of his grip and sat by Sinai, "We're right here Nai, you can open your eyes,"

Her eyes flickered but she didn't open them. You could tell she was trying to.

She reached up to her mouth and tried to move the tube that was helping her breathe, "Nai don't touch that," Amir said going to help her. Tears started to run down her face.

"It's okay baby, we're right here," I said holding her hand.

I knew my baby wouldn't leave me.

I was really going to kill Sinai but I changed my mind 🥺. Be thankful y'all x