Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

That's all I can think after Daisy leaves my room. Her whole speech goes through my head at a thousand miles per hour, over and over again.

Is she right? Am I not completely over Matt? I thought I had sorted this out, but what if she is right? What do I do? Do I just ignore it?

No, I can't. If Daisy is right and I ignore this, I'll end up hurting Jamie. I can't let that happen. I won't.

Fuck.

So do I call things off with her? I really don't want to do that, but I can't hurt her. Especially when it's something I can control.

Fuck.

I can try to figure it out right now, but I don't think one night is enough. Actually, I know one night is not enough. There's too much to process and I don't even know where to begin.

I roll around in my bed, cracking my head to figure something out, anything at all, but there's no use. I pick up my phone and it shows it's already two in the morning. I've been doing this for the past five hours and still have no answer. I lay flat on my back and stare at my ceiling.

I have to work this out now.

Let's start with the question that will say if I have to worry about anything else: did I process what happened with Matt?

How can I know that? I haven't thought about him since the day he confronted me after class. But maybe Daisy is right, I didn't talk about any of it after the day I went to the hospital. I pushed everything to the back of my mind. Every time any thought about anything related to Matt came up, I pushed it away in no time.

Fuck.

I have to talk to Jamie, tell her I need some time to think. It's not an end, it's just a pause so I can figure myself out. I'm not going to pretend like there isn't this huge thing going on in my mind that affects her and not tell her about it. I'll ask her to come over after her classes tomorrow so we can talk. Yep, that's it.

It's going to be ok.

I spend the whole day overthinking everything, but always come back to the conclusion that I have to do this. I sent a text to Jamie earlier and now I'm waiting for her.

My phone buzzes and I pick it up to check the text I just received.

i'm coming up

can you get the door for me?

my arms are full

Yep

It's open

I stare at the open door while sitting on my bed. I take deep breaths and Jamie comes in with a big smile on her face.

"Hello, there." She places everything she's carrying on my desk.

"What's all that?"

"Books, papers, and other boring stuff." She reaches for one specific bag. "And food." She wiggles her eyebrows.

"You're amazing." I open a small smile and we sit down to eat.

We talk about random things as we have our dinner. She tells me about a paper she has to write about the reproduction of sponges and how little she looks forward to it. I try to keep all subjects revolving her, my mind is too busy to have a conversation about me.

"How did it go with Daisy?" she asks after throwing away our empty dishes. "Was she cool with us or did she make a scene?" She chuckles.

Here we go. "It was..." I try to find the right word, "interesting."

"Oh." She frowns.

"Yeah..." I take a deep breath. "She was fine with us, but she said some things that kept me up all night."

We stay quiet for a bit. "Are you rethinking us?" Her voice comes out super quiet.

"No! No, it's not that." I sigh. "It's not about us specifically. It's about me." I get up from the chair and walk around.

"Ok..."

"She thinks I'm not quite ready for this yet and I kind of agree with her." I look at Jamie, and the surprise and hurt are clear in her eyes.

"Are you breaking up with me?" she whispers.

"No!" I rush towards her and hold her hand. "No, Jamie. I'm not breaking up." I run one hand through my hair. "Please keep that in mind while I tell you the rest of it. I am not ending this."

I get back up and sit on my bed. I take long deep breaths before talking again, but I can't look her in the eyes right now.

"She said I didn't process all that happened with Matt. At first I thought she was crazy, but after she left I started thinking about it..." I sigh. "She's right, Jamie." I finally look at her with some tears starting to form in my eyes. Her face is filled with confusion and hurt. "I spent so much time with all of you, I completely pushed it to the back of my mind. Last night I thought about some of the things that happened and I felt really overwhelmed. I have to push through every single thing that happened so I can be free from all of it."

Her eyes are focused on the floor and she hasn't made a sound since I started talking. I walk back to her with tears falling from my eyes. I kneel in front of her and hold her hands.

"It's not fair to you for me to start building something with you if I don't have a sturdy foundation for us. I have to clean Matt's shit to make sure that it won't ruin us in the future. Because I want that, a future with you, I really do. And what we've build so far is staying there, I'm not scraping it. I just need some time to flush Matt down the toilet like the big piece of shit he is. I am not going to let him mess this up. So I can't keep going like this when I already know something's wrong. I think it's kinda good that this is happening right now, so the beginning of us is right." I take a deep breath and cup her cheek with my hand. "I need a little time to make sure we won't have a 15 story building falling on our heads because I couldn't prep our foundation at the beginning." I rub my thumb on her cheek. "I need a pause, not an end."

We stay quiet for a while. Some tears escaping my eyes, and hers never meeting mine. I start to pull my hand away from her face, but hers shoot up to hold it in place.

"I get it." Her voice comes out in a soft whisper. "That's what I was afraid of when this started." Her eyes meet mine and they're foggy with a mix of so many emotions I can't even pick one out. "You can have all the time you need. I want you to be ok, that's what really matters right now." She sighs and smiles a little bit. "If you need me, I'll be right here equipped with my cleaning supplies to sweep, mop and shine you up." I giggle. "I'll always be here for you as a friend. It doesn't matter what else is going on with us in this department, the friendship is still there and it will always be." Now the tears start coming heavier.

"Fuck you, Jamie." I laugh and pull her in a hug. "What did I do to deserve having the best person in the universe as my best friend?"

"I ask myself the same thing." She chuckles near my ear.

We pull away after a while and I look her deep in the eyes. "Thank you," I whisper. "I promise I'm coming back to you. Better than ever."

"I'll be right here, waiting."