Katia

Today is Christine's first day back to work since she started her new job at the new school. She wanted to wait even longer but I insisted she go. It's been a month since I came home from the hospital. I've made great progress my doctor says but I'm still not walking too much on my own. A few steps before I'm falling down. I'm like a toddler trapped in an adult body but I'm trying to stay positive. Especially when she's around. If she gets the faintest hint that I'm upset, she'll refuse to leave my side. I'm watching her put the final touches on her hair now. I catch her gaze in the mirror and smile at her.

"Katia, are we sure about this?" She asks.

I nod. "We're super sure. You like to teach. That's what you should be doing."

She puts one more pin in her bun before turning to face me. "Yes. Well, I like being around you too."

"You've been around me for almost two months straight. Honestly, woman. Get a life." I tease her.

She rolls her eyes and sighs. "I just don't like the idea of leaving you alone."

"I'll only be alone for an hour. Elaine is coming over, remember?"

"An hour is a long time." She says.

"It's only sixty minutes."

She anxiously chews the inside of her lip. I could see the wheels turning just behind her eyes.

"Mama." I say softly to bring her back to me. I know how quickly her mind can jump from worst case scenario to an even worse case.

She blinks and the features of her face soften. "Yes?"

"I'll be okay. You already made me breakfast. I have my phone right here if I need you. I'll probably just watch a movie or something. You know Kandace has gotten in the routine of calling me every morning anyway. I'll hardly actually be alone." I say, trying to comfort her the best I can. I know it's impossible but I want to be the last thing on her mind today. I just want her to go to work, have a great day, and whip her new students into shape the way only she can.

She nods her head. "And you will call me if you need me?" She asks. She knows how stubborn I can be even when I do need her.

"Yes."

"Promise?" She asks.

"I promise, babe." I lean over and pick up her jacket from our bed. "Now, here. Don't be late on your first day. That doesn't look good."

She smiles and takes the jacket from me. "Thank you, baby."

"You're welcome." I gently pull her down to me and kiss her lips. She kisses me back passionately. A tiny moan escapes my throat and I bite her bottom lip.

She rests her forehead on mine. "I thought you didn't want me to be late."

That makes me laugh. "I don't. Come on. I'll wheel you out."

She gives me a concerned look. She doesn't like when I joke about my current inability to walk. She thinks its a mask for some deeper pain. Really I just think it's funny. Liv would laugh, if she was still in my life. I hate that I still have these moments of wanting her around. Missing her.

"Come on. That one was funny." I say.

"Whatever, Katia." She says grumpily as I follow her to the front door. I giggle quietly to myself. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too. Call me when you get a break and give me the run down on everyone." I say.

She laughs. "Of course I will."

She opens the door just as Elaine is about to knock. She's early. "Oh! Hey!" My friend says with a wide grin. "I'm early. Is that okay?" She asks.

"Its perfect. I don't think I've ever been happier to see you actually." Babe says.

Elaine pauses as if she's trying to determine if that's a good or bad thing but she shrugs it off and walks inside.

"You guys have fun. You have my number right?" Chris asks Elaine.

"Duh. Now go so we can talk about you."

Chris gives her a pointed look. "Anyway, bye. I love you." Chris kisses me again.

"Where's my kiss?" Elaine asks.

"Yeah right." I pinch the back of her thigh and she yelps. Christine laughs as she walks to her car. She waves one more time before her starts to disappear out of the driveway.

When Elaine and I get to the living room, she tries to help me to the couch but I push her hands away. "I can do it."

"You better not hurt yourself. Chris would kill me."

I laugh. "I know." Despite her doubts, I make it to the couch with no problem. I've had plenty of practice with moving from my chair to other surfaces. Physical therapy has helped. Chris bought me weights to help strengthen my arms. Plus, I've fallen enough times to give my wife a heart attack. I swear she almost cries every times I miss my mark. I know it's because she cares about me so much but nothing other than my pride is ever seriously hurt. Biting the dust doesn't even bother me anymore. It just feels like a normal part of the day like brushing my teeth.

We get comfortable on the couch and Elaine puts my feet on her lap. She gives me the best foot massages. I know it's what she does for a living but I'm always surprised at how good it actually feels.

"So how are you?" She asks as her hands start working my feet.

I shrug. "Okay I guess."

"You guess?"

I sigh.

"Come on. Talk to me. I know you're not telling Chris. You have to talk to someone about it."

I hate to admit it but she's right. I don't lie to Chris. Not ever but some times I don't tell her how bad it gets. She'd worry herself to death. Plus, she'll coddle me. Nothing I do is my fault. No amount of lashing out ruffles her feathers. She'll baby me. Which, don't get me wrong, I love, but sometimes I need her to be the Miss Bell that would make us stand en pointe when we cried in her class until the tears dried. She's grown soft. I'll have to tease her about that later. "I'm starting to get restless. I just assumed I'd be walking by now. Not to mention dancing. I miss it so much. It's depressing."

Elaine nods. "So what are you doing about it?"

I blink. "Excuse me?"

"The only time you try to walk is at physical therapy. You're feeling bad for yourself and I get it, this sucks, but a twenty four seven pity party isn't going to get you back on anyone's stage."

I narrow my eyes at her. "I'm trying!" I say sternly.

"Is that what you call it?"

"Are you serious right now?" I ask her. "You have no idea what I've been through... what I go through everyday when I wake up and realize I can't use my legs the way I used to. To have everyone look at you as someone incapable of the simplest tasks!" I didn't mean to but I shouted.

She doesn't seem phased by my yelling. She nods. "I don't know what that feels like but I know you, Kat. And I know how hard you work for something when you really want it."

I look away from her and cross my arms. I'd like to say I'm not pouting but I don't know how honest that would be.

"So?" She asks as if she had just asked me anything instead of telling me about myself.

"So what?"

"What's stopping you?"

I pretend as if I'm thinking. "Oh I don't know. My legs maybe?"

"Maybe it's not your legs."

I scoff. "Elaine."

"I'm serious. You can move them. You can feel them. Maybe it's something else holding you back."

"Like what??" I ask growing annoyed with this exchange.

"Maybe your mind? Your fears? You know the body all works as one." She moves her hand and pushes into a certain place into my foot but I feel it in my back. "Like that. Or..." she moves to a different spot and pushes again and I feel it in a certain place I shouldn't.

"Elaine." I whine and squirm in my seat.

She chuckles. "Or like that. If one thing is out of wack it can throw off everything else."

I roll my eyes at her mumbo jumbo we're all one being bullshit. Elaine is a very spiritual person. She brought me some crystals that she said would bring healing and peace and some other stuff. I'm not saying they don't work. I'm just not a very spiritual or religious person. Never have been. I like proof and facts. Concrete evidence.

"And what exactly would I be so afraid of? Walking? Dancing? Not having to sit in that freaking chair most of the day? Oooo. I'm terrified."

"I can't tell you what you're afraid of. Only you would know that."

I sigh. I'm not in the mood for this conversation. "Okay, Elaine."

"Okay, Katia." She copies my tone.

"Can we just watch a movie?" I ask.

"Yeah but I'm picking." She snatched the remote from me. I groan but I don't protest. I sit silently as she scrolls the channels trying to find something she likes. I think about our conversation and what she said about being afraid. Maybe, just maybe, she's right. What if it's not actually it's my legs and a little part of me is afraid of pushing myself any further. What if I am afraid? Afraid of what? I want nothing more than to dance again. To feel the beads of sweat form on my forehead. To have my feet ache from hours of practice. To push myself to my limit. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm afraid I'll fail. I'm afraid that no matter how much I train or how hard I push myself, it won't be enough. I'm afraid I'll never be the Katia I was before the accident. My heart sinks into my stomach and for a moment it feels like I can't breathe.

"What about this one?" Elaine asks, completely unaware of the internal crisis I'm facing at the moment.

"What?" I ask.

"The movie. Have you seen this one?"

I shake my head no.

She smiles and pushes play. "We have a winner then." She goes back to massaging my feet and I rest my head against the couch. I have a lot to think about.