Katia

I stare blankly at the wall and absentmindedly pick at my fingernails. It's so quiet I can hear the ticking of the clock. The cool air settles around me like a blanket of snow. It's always cold in here. Its probably just me, I'm perpetually cold. I yawn.

"Are you tired?" Eve asks me.

I nod.

"Is that why you're not talking to me today?"

I've barely said two words since I've been here, but I skipped Thursday's session and the only spot she had open was today, Saturday. So I'm here.

"I had sex with Christine." I say quietly.

"You feel bad about it?" She asks.

"I feel needy."

"What do you need?" Eve is alway so neutral and expressionless in therapy. Outside of the office she expresses her emotions like most people but I'm glad she has the ability to switch over to her professional behavior. It makes it so much easier to spill my guts to her twice a week.

"My girlfriend."

Eve nods. "Do you feel like you're ready to step back into that role with Chris yet?"

I shrug.

"What about Elaine?" She asks.

I glance over at her for the first time. "You're Christine's friend."

"That's true but you know that I'm your therapist first." She says nonchalantly.

"I don't know. I like Elaine, yes, but it just doesn't feel the same. She's pretty and funny but that magnetic pull I felt the first time I saw Christine isn't there. I'm very attracted to Elaine but that's not the same. It's like.." I can't find the words, "well you know."

"I can't assume that I do. Try your best to explain."

I run my hands over my face. "Imagine spending your entire life only seeing the world in black and white then someone flips a switch and every color, colors your mind couldn't even imagine, appears." I laugh to myself. That reminds me of her painting. "She makes bad days better and my heart skips a beat every time I hear her voice. Every morning I wake up and get to see her is another day I'm happy I'm alive."

Eve is smiling.

"Did that sound stupid?" I ask feeling self conscious.

"No. It was sweet."

"Do you do couples counseling?"

"I have before, Yes."

"Can a couple come back from someone cheating? Have you seen it happen successfully?"

"Yes. It's not easy though. There's a lot of trust that has to be rebuilt. A lot of communication to be had."

"Do you think Chris and I can?" I ask.

"Do you think Chris is sorry?" She asks.

"Yes."

"Do you forgive her?"

I don't say anything.

"I'm going to give you some homework okay?"

I nod. She goes to her desk and retrieves some papers from the drawer. She explains what they are and what she wants me to do. For the rest of the session we talk about my other relationships, familial and otherwise until it's time to go. I'm getting ready to leave when Eve stops me.

"Kat?"

"Yeah?"

"You can't make the wrong decision. If you choose one or the other or no one at all, you'll always make the right choice."

I smile. "Thank you Eve."

"You're welcome. See you next week."

_____________________________________

Katia

I told Elaine I would come over today so that is my next stop. I really hope she's in the mood for a nap because I am exhausted. I knock on her door but she doesn't answer. I knock again. Same response. I faintly hear music pulsing from the other side of the door. I try the knob and it's unlocked. I guess she left it open for me. I walk in to hear sensual music with heavy bass. No wonder she couldn't hear my knocks. I haven't been in her bedroom yet but I'm assuming that's where the music is coming from. My manners are telling me I should knock first but common sense says she won't be able to hear those knocks either. I slowly open the door to her dimly lit room. In fact the only light source in the room is a star projector cast on the ceiling. And as if she couldn't be more interesting, Elaine is spinning around on a stripper pole. She's half naked in her bra and panties but I'm not complaining. She spots me and almost falls from the pole. She gets down and turns the music off.

"Sorry! I didn't hear you come in. You're early." She says.

"No. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Therapy ended early but please don't let me stop you." I push play on her stereo. She chuckles before she gets back on the pole. She's actually very talented. She hangs upside down right in front of me and pulls me in for a kiss. It's sexy as hell.

I make myself more comfortable and stretch across her bed. Between her pole tricks and the stars on the ceiling I could lay here all day. Elaine has a tattoo on her thigh that caresses it's way up her side. I think it's a snake or a dragon. Something like that.

"You're sexy." I shout over the music.

She makes a face like she can't hear me. She maneuvers her body from the pole to the bed and crawls on top of me. The breath catches in my throat. "What did you say?" She asks centimeters from my face.

"I-I said you were sexy." The blood races through my veins.

"Thank you." She rolls over and lays on her back beside me. I exhale. She reduces the volume of the stereo with a remote and grabs a pipe from the nightstand. "Is it okay if I smoke?" She asks holding up her pipe.

"Can I smoke with you?"

She smiles and starts packing the bowl. She lights the flower and inhales.

"I didn't know you smoke." She says passing me the pipe.

"You never asked."

"Does Chris?"

I choke on my own laughter. "No."

Elaine chuckles. We pass the pipe back and forth. We talk about life and books and movies. She tells me stories that make me laugh. She puts the pipe away.

"Flip over." She says.

I roll on to my stomach without asking why and she straddles my hips. She begins massaging my shoulders and back. It feels fucking amazing. I moan as she kneads my lower back.

"That feels so good."

"Wait until I get to your legs. You'll want to marry me."

I giggle. "I think I already do."

She moves lower to my thighs and my toes curl. "It hurts but it feels good. I love it."

"Someone's a masochist." She says chuckling.

She continues to massage my entire body until I am so relaxed I can't believe it. She lays back down beside me. I wonder if my eyes are as red and low as hers.

"What are you thinking about?" She asks.

"I don't know."

She starts laughing. So do I.

"Would you be so upset if I went to sleep?" I ask.

"No. I'll go with you." She says.

"You held me last time. My turn."

She rolls on her side and let's me cuddle her from behind.

"I'm glad we met." Elaine says.

"Me too."

_____________________________________

Katia

The school day went by so slowly. Maybe Just because it's Monday. I have no idea why I'm so tired though. Yesterday I didn't do anything except homework and Saturday was one of the most relaxing days I've had in a while. Alas here we are now and I'm exhausted but I can't even sleep because apparently Livy and I need to have a heart to heart. She has called a "house meeting," which just means I'm in trouble about something. I told her about the other night with Chris.

"So you.. had sex.. with Chris.. in the studio.. at school?" Liv asks.

"I feel like you're judging me." I say rolling onto my back.

"I am."

I look up from my pillow.

"That was irrotational, irresponsible, and impulsive. What about Elaine?"

I sit up. "I thought you wanted me to get back with Christine! Why are you attacking me?"

Liv puts her hands on her hips and stares at the ceiling. She reminds me of someone's disappointed mom in the moment. "I'm not attacking you."

"You are!" I whine.

"Kitty." She says a bit more gently. "What are you doing?"

I let myself fall back on to my bed and sink into the pillows. "Figuring things out."

"And what did sleeping with Chris help you figure out?" She sits on the edge of my bed.

"Nothing." I grudgingly admit.

"Do you even think of Elaine like that or is she just some sort of band aid?"

I cover my face with my pillow.

"Katia."

I know she's serious when she calls me that. I remove the pillow and look at her. "Yes?"

"Be honest with me and be honest with yourself, even if you don't like the answer."

"Okay."

"Do you want Chris back?"

I huff and fold my arms.

"Kat." She says.

"I do."

"So what's the problem? Just take her back. The girl is sorry. Not to mention she has sent flowers to this apartment almost every day since you two split. It's starting to look like a funeral home out there." She motions to the living room.

"I'm scared. Okay?!"

"It's okay to be scared. It's not okay to play this back and forth thing you've been doing. Chris loves you. Elaine likes you. You're driving yourself mad trying to convince yourself not to be with Christine because she made a mistake."

"A mistake that really hurt me." I remind her.

"I know but... forgiveness doesn't just.. magically happen. Sometimes you have to work at it."

"I want to be with Christine." I say.

"So do something about it."

"I guess I should talk to Elaine first."

"Probably."

"Can I just date you again?" I ask.

Liv laughs. "You had your chance. You left me for Chris."

I sigh. "I love you Livy."

"I love you too." She starts to get up but sits back down. "I had that talk with Leah."

"What talk?" I ask.

"The one about what she's comfortable with when it comes to you and me."

"Oh. Good."

"Turns out it's not much. She didn't know exactly how close we were."

I wince. "So I'm guessing we won't be having anymore sleepovers any time soon?"

Liv shakes her head. "Or cuddling or kisses."

"Okay."

"You're not mad?" She asks.

"No. I love cuddling with you and our sleepovers but I understand. She's your girl. It's important that she's comfortable." I put my feet on her.

She laughs and pushes them away.

Liv stands, retrieves my phone from the dresser, and tosses it beside me. "Call Elaine."

I groan.

"Now, Miss Indecisive." She says.

I glare at her as I dial the number.

___________________________________

Christine

I shift nervously on this park bench and take another sip from my water bottle. What Katia said about me leaving things to interpretation is true. I didn't want to admit but she was right. I hate confrontation but hopefully this will go smoothly. It needs to be done. It should have been done a long time ago. Better late than never I guess.

I asked Beverly to meet me at the park. It didn't seem right to have such a serious conversation at via text or over the phone.

"Chris!" Beverly calls out as she walks toward the bench. I stand to greet her and we both sit.

"So what's up?" She asks crossing her legs. She seems really relaxed, for her anyway. She's usually a little high sprung.

"I want to talk to you about us." I say.

"Okay."

I swallow the self doubt bubbling its way up my throat and clasp my clammy hands together. "I want to sincerely apologize to you. The things I say and the things I do have not been consistent with one another. That's not fair to you and I'm sorry."

"Thank you, Christine. That actually means a lot to hear you say. I was beginning to feel a little crazy." She turns her body more towards me. "You're not here to reconcile our relationship with me though are you?" She asks sadly.

I shake my head. "No. I have a girlfriend. Well... I had one but I'm still madly in love with her."

"Did you guys break up after that night?" She asks.

I nod. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry." She says.

"Thanks."

"Do you think we could still be friends?" She asks.

I look out straight ahead at the families and couples. People playing with their dogs. I imagine Katia and I enjoying a picnic together, in public. I sigh and turn back to Beverly. "Why don't we give it some time? I think we need separation. We can circle back around to the idea of friendship but for now, no."

She frowns and nods. "That's probably a good idea. I uh," she inhales and blows out, "I still have feelings for you I think. So you're right. Separation is good."

"Thank you for being so understanding."

She chuckles. "Do I have a choice?" She asks.

"No." I say seriously.

She laughs. "I'm going to miss that sense of humor."

I smile and stand. She does too and we hug.

"Bye Chris."

"See you around."

I leave the park and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The entire ride home I can't help but feel a sense of relief. I get out of my car to find Katia on the steps of my porch. She knows she could have gone inside.

"Hey." I say slowly approaching her.

"You can't hurt me like that again." She says wasting no time on pleasantries.

"Katia, I would never." I say.

"I miss you and I want to try again if you want to."

"Of course. Yes." I sit down beside her. I feel so happy I could die.

"But you'll have to be patient with me and you'll have to really work on opening up to me. I know it's uncomfortable but I need that from you."

I nod. "I promise I will."

"And I'm not okay with you and Beverly being close. I'm not giving you an ultimatum or trying to tell you who you can be friends with but I'm being honest. At least not right now."

"I know. You won't have to worry about that." I assure her.

She stares at me long and hard before she nods her head. "Okay." She slides her promise ring off and hands it to me.

I'm confused. "I don't understand."

"You need to ask if I'll be your girlfriend again." She says.

I chuckle. "Katia, will you be my girlfriend?" I hold the ring out to her.

She acts as though she's thinking about it.

"Katia."

She giggles. "Yes."

She slides the ring back on and kisses me. I feel like I can breathe again. We go inside and she can't get out of her clothes and into her onesie pajamas fast enough. She audibly sighs after she zips it up. We get in bed and talk to each other until we both fall asleep. I hold her close and tight in my arms. My house finally feels like home again.