Katia

All things in life are uncertain except death. This is what I know. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over losing my mother who is still alive. I can't guarantee I'll ever feel whole. There's no promise that I'll beat this eating disorder or if it'll beat me. Maybe I'll be a world renowned dancer. Maybe I'll give it all up to work in an office Monday through Friday. I don't know. No one knows and honestly that's the most frightening thing about it.

I told Chris I was on my way but that was at least two hours ago. Possibly more. I've stopped at a bus stop just to sit on the bench. I'm not even sure where I am anymore. She's probably panicked. Olivia has probably tried to call me a million times. My phone is dead and... I'm okay with that. I thought I was ready to talk to Chris about my fucked up family but I can't. How do I look at someone who I want to love me and tell her that my own mother didn't even want me? How do I expect anyone else to really want me and the mess that I am? Evelyn says I'm not a mess. She says that I'm worthy and deserving of love but I don't feel like I am. I don't feel like anything.

A young gay couple sits beside me giggling and making out. They reek of alcohol. I make a face and scoot away from them.

"Fucking homophobes." One of them mutters and they start giggling again.

I start to say something but there's no point. I just get up and start walking.

"Byyeeeee!" One of the guys say mockingly.

I turn around frustrated. "I am not homophobic." I yell. "I like girls! I have a girlfriend!" I bark. Their mouths are stuck open.

People around me are starting to stare. I don't care.

"Sorry." One of them says. Then they start laughing again.

A hand grabs my shoulder. I turn to see Elizabeth. She looks so confused.

"Kat? What are you doing?" She asks.

I wrap my arms around her. It probably catches her off guard. There's a brief pause before she returns the gesture. She strokes my hair.

"Sweetie are you okay?" She asks.

I shake my head against her shoulder. She pulls me back to get a good look at me. "Let's get you out of the sun."

"Okay." I say.

I follow her to her car and get in. She starts it up and turns the air conditioner on. It does feel really nice. I didn't realize how hot I was. We sit in the parked car in silence for a while.

"Did you know those boys?" Liz finally asks.

"No."

"You just fancy yelling at strangers then?" She asks.

I erupt into a fit of laughter. Then it starts. I begin crying again. I turn away from her.

She rubs my back whileI wipe my face. "I'm so sorry." I mutter.

She chuckles. "I can deal with a few tears." She hands me a small pack of tissues. "Hold on to those. Where were you headed?" She asks.

"Christine's." I answer.

"You were planning on walking?" She asks confused. "That's at least ten miles."

I shrug. "I don't know where I am. I'm actually really glad I ran into you."

"Well me too honey." She says sweetly.

Liz puts the car in drive and we ride to Christine's in silence. I'm actually kind of nervous to walk inside. She's going to be so mad. Maybe Liz can tell I'm stalling.

"I'll walk you in." She offers.

"Thanks."

I'm not sure what I think Chris would do to me but I'm scared. She would never lay a hand on me, I know. I'm actually more afraid of what she may say. Liz and I are in the house and Mistress is coming down the stairs. She only glances up from her phone for a second.

"Liz? Hey I thought you were-" she stops speaking when she notices me behind Elizabeth. "Katia! Where have you been??!" Her voice escalates to a tone I'm positive I've never heard before.

I freeze in the spot I'm standing.

"Chris." Liz says calmly.

Mistress has to tear her gaze away from me. "What?" Her voice is cold.

"Can I speak to you alone for a moment?" Elizabeth asks.

Mistress nods reluctantly and they go into the kitchen to speak. I sit at the bottom of the steps. She's mad. I knew she would be. She has every right to be. I've caused her to stress and worry. Her life would probably be a lot easier without me. Mistress comes back with Liz. She seems a little calmer.

"Kat I'll see you later. Take care of yourself hun."

I nod. "Thanks for the ride Liz."

She smiles. "Of course."

Christine walks Liz to the door and sees her out. She comes back and stands there silently. I can't look at her.

"I was scared, Katia." Her voice is low. Shakey kind of.

"I'm sorry." I mumble.

"I get it. I understand wanting to be alone but you can't just disappear. Olivia didn't know where you were. I didn't know. Do you know how that feels? Not knowing if you're dead or alive? Anything could have happened to you." Her voice cracks and she puts her hands over her face.

Is she crying? This may sound stupid, but I never imagined her crying. She's always so dignified and strong.

Then it hits me. How could I be so stupid? Her parents. They left and she never saw them again, not alive anyway. That's probably one of her deepest fears, something terrible happening to the people she loves. I stand and wrap my arms around her.

"Baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." I say.

She cups my head with her hands and sighs. "Where were you?" She asks.

I let go of her and shrug. "I'm not sure. I left Evelyn's and just started walking. I ended up on a bus stop bench."

"Why didn't you just call me babe? I would have come to get you."

"My phone died and I just... I don't know."

She grabs my hand and leads me to the couch in the sitting area. We sit close to each other and she holds my hand.

"Do you think you could tell Liv I'm okay?" I ask.

"I already did." She says.

"Oh." I fiddle with the end of my shirt. "So you're probably wondering what I wanted to talk to you about." I say.

"Are you breaking up with me?" She asks abruptly.

"What? No! ... Why? Do you want to break up?" I ask.

She shakes her head no. "Not at all." She assures me.

"Okay." I nod. "I've been weird lately because of my sessions with Evelyn. We've been talking about my family. It's not easy. You know I only ever talk about my dad."

She nods as she listens attentively.

"Obviously he didn't make me by himself. I have a mother and a brother."

"Oh!" She says surprised by my confession.

I continue telling her my sob story about how my mother only wanted my brother, the kidnapping, and how my brother hated me for running off my mother. I tell her about my brother's poor behavior and getting sent away.

"And you don't know where either of them are now?" She asks.

I shake my head. "No."

"Does your dad?"

"No. Well honestly I... don't know." I answer slightly embarrassed.

Call me crazy but I never thought to ask. We don't talk about them. Whenever I used to bring either of them up he would become stoic. So I just stopped. They became ghost, just lost parts of history.

"Call him. Ask." Mistress says matter of factly.

I-I can't." I stammer.

"Why not?"

"Wouldn't it seem like a slap in the face?" I ask. "My father has done his best to make sure I never wanted or needed anything. The last thing I want is to make him think he failed me somehow or that I'm missing something."

"But you are." Her tone isn't harsh or judgemental. It's more sympathetic than anything.

"You really think I should ask?" I wonder aloud.

"Yes."

I guess the worst thing he could say is he doesn't know where they are either. No, the worst thing is him saying they're dead. He wouldn't do that. My dad wouldn't keep something like the death of my mother or brother away from me.

"I'll do ittomorrow." I say. "I don't have it in me to call today."

"That's fine babe."

I look at Mistress. Really look at her for the first time since I have been here. Her white blouse is unbuttoned right to the tip of her cleavage. Her usually tamed hair is free and falling down her shoulders and back. She looks so good and my mind could use a distraction. I scoot closer to her and begin to unbutton her shirt.

She grabs my hand gently. "What are you doing?"

"Please?" I ask quietly.

"Are you sure you don't want to just talk about it? You had a really long day and-"

"Chris!" I exclaim. I take a deep breath. "Baby. You are my extremely sexy girlfriend that I have not seen all day. I don't want to talk."

She contemplates turning me away or giving into me for a moment.

"Baby." I say.

"What do you want?" She asks.

"You." I start unbuttoning her shirt again. She pulls at my shirt but I move her hands.

"I just want to please you." I say as I get on my knees. I slide off her pants and underwear and take her into my mouth. I grab her thighs and pull her to the edge of the couch. This is the first time today my mind has been at ease. Her moans are as soothing as waves against the shore. As her fingers run through my hair I can feel the tension leaving my body. Her body tenses and mine relaxes. I've found my gateway to peace between her legs.

____________________________________

Katia

We had a light session in therapy today. Evelyn knows how hard the last few days have been for me and she decided I needed a slight reprieve. We talked about other things, things that make me happy. We talked about Chris and Olivia. I told her all about dance and my favorite routines. She asked me about Tori and we sorted out my feelings for her. I won't lie to you, I was a little confused. She's attractive and funny. She makes me feel good (when she's not fighting Olivia). I was afraid that maybe it wasn't okay. Maybe I was crossing some invisible line and I should tread lightly. However, Evelyn assured me that even in platonic relationships there's some level of intimacy involved. That's what creates bonds. As long as I don't break any rules or promises previously made to my lover, Chris, there's no reason to feel guilty. Also, no secrets. So I feel better about that now.

I'm now sitting alone on my blanket on the lawn. I'm restless. I didn't sleep much last night. I couldn't. I kept thinking about my mom and brother. Then to take my mind off of them I'd wake Chris for a quickie, but our quickies are never actually quick. Neither of us really got much sleep last night. In turn now, she's a bit cranky. She said she isn't but she is.

I've been procrastinating on calling my father all morning. I want to but I'm just so afraid. I have to do it. I have to or I'll never know. I pick up my phone and my hands begin to tremble. The line barely rings once and he picks up.

"Katia is everything alright?" He says as soon as he answers.

"Yeah dad. Everything is fine."

I hear him sigh, most likely a sigh of relief. He clears his throat. "Good. How are you?"

"I'm okay. How are you?"

"Busy as usual. Tired but I'm well."

"That's good. It's good to hear your voice." I say and I mean it. I didn't realize how much I missed my dad until right now or how much I missed one of his big tight hugs.

"Kit Kat. Are you alright?" His voice softens just a little.

"Uh.. not really dad."

"What's going on?"

"You know I go to therapy now." Of course he knows. It was his idea.

"Yes. Of course. Miss Christine said you haven't missed a session. I thought it was going fine." He says.

"It is dad. It's great. I just... Well the other day mom and Kaden came up." My voice gets weaker.

He makes a grunting sound.

"A-and" I stammer, "it's been bothering me that I don't know anything about them. Do you know where they are? Have you heard from either of them?" I ask.

"Katia." He says sternly.

"Yes, sir?" I answer.

"You need to let them go. They're not even around and look how much stress and heartache they've caused you."

"But dad I-"

He cuts me off, "No Katia, I'm not doing this with you. We've been fine without them all these years."

Something about his statement really just ticks me off. "No dad! You've been fine! I haven't!" I yell, forgetting where I am.

"Don't raise your voice at me, Katia. You will show me respect." He says angrily.

I laugh. I have no idea why other than maybe my body is just so sick of crying this is the only other response it came up with.

"I'll call you back when you're ready to act like an adult." He spews.

"Whatever." I say surprising myself and him.

"Goodbye Katia."

I just hang up the phone. That went well. At least I tried. I can say that much. That's really all I can say. I'm still left with the same amount of answers. Zero.

I text Mistress and tell her that the conversation went terribly.

: I'm sorry baby. He'll come around.

I hope so.

My attention is grabbed by the sound of a wolf whistle. I look up to see Tori making her way to me.

"Hey good looking." She says standing over me.

"Hey yourself."

"You want an escort to class?" She asks.

I smile. "Sure."

I pack up my blanket and head to the studio with Tori. We're making small talk and she's telling me a few jokes I've never heard but they're actually pretty funny. We get to the studio door and she hands me my bag.

"I missed you yesterday." She says.

"I missed you too."

"Is everything okay?" She asks, "you seemed kind of down outside."

"No. Everything is not ok but it will be."

"Is it your girlfriend? Because I'll beat her up." Tori says slamming her fist into the palm of her other hand.

I laugh. "Easy Muhammad Ali. No one needs to beat anyone else up and no. It's not her. I'm just having some family problems."

"Well I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to." She says. Her voice is serious and filled with sincerity.

"Thank you Tori. I appreciate it."

She stares at my lips before looking away. "Well you should go put your tutu on or whatever you guys wear in there."

"No tutus today." I say.

She laughs and shoves her hands in her pockets. "Okay so. I'll see you later?" She asks.

"Yeah. Later. I'll text you."

She nods. "Cool. Okay."

We share an awkward silence before she waves and dismisses herself.

Class is just about over and it's evident to everyone present that Miss Bell is cranky. Poor baby. I almost feel bad for keeping her awake all night but then I remember how much she enjoyed it. She'll get plenty of rest tonight. I'll keep my hands and mouth to myself and let her sleep in peace. We finish the last routine and she dismisses us from class.

"See you all next class." She says as everyone files out of the room.

I approach her podium.

"I told you." I say.

"Told me what?" She asks.

"You're cranky."

"I'll show you cranky." She threatens.

"Oh. Please do." I smirk.

She chuckles and looks at her watch.

"Do you have somewhere to be?" I ask.

"Yes actually. Beverly wants to meet to talk about the show."

"That sucks. You have to stay here even longer." I say.

"Well we're not staying here. We're meeting at a restaurant." She says.

"Hm."

"Don't hm me. What?" She asks.

"Nothing. Enjoy your date." I say.

"It's not a date babe. It's a meeting."

"If you say so."

"It's not a date." She reiterates.

"Okay."

"You said you trusted me." Mistress says.

"I do." I sigh. "I'm just jealous." I whine.

Mistress smirks. "Don't be. I'm still coming home to you."

"And tonight, I'm actually going to let you sleep." I say.

"So kind." She says sarcastically.

I want to kiss her but I know I can't. I bite my lip instead.

"I love you." She says softly.

"I love you too."

____________________________________

Katia

It's Saturday morning and I am rattled awake by my phone's ringer. Fuck. My heart is nearly pounding out of my chest. It's barely sunrise but it's my Father.

"Hello?" I answer groggily.

"I only have a phone number." He says. I have no idea what he's talking about.

"What, dad?" I sit up and rub my eyes.

"For your brother. I only have the phone number from the last time we spoke. I don't know if it still belongs to him or not."

Oh my god.

"Do you want it?" He asks.

"Yes. Yes of course. Text it to me."

"I uh.. I'm sorry about the last time we spoke Kat. I just don't want you to get hurt. Your brother he's just always been... him. You know?" He says.

"Thank you for apologizing, dad. I know you just want to protect me."

He clears his throat. "If that's him, I hope you find what you are looking for."

Do I even know what I'm looking for? "Me too."

"Bye bye." He says.

"Bye." I hang up and now I'm wide awake. My phone buzzes with the number from my dad. I stare at it like it's some rare Jewel I've been hunting. Like an answer I've been praying for. Wait. This number is in the same area code as me. There's no way my brother has been living in the same city as me and I didn't know it.

I don't even know if this number works but it's something tangible. It's hope.

Before I realize what I'm doing I call the number. It's rings twice, my nerves get the best of me and I hang up.

What am I doing? It's so early. Nobody calls people this early in the morning on a Saturday, other than my dad. Kaden will think I'm still just like dad. I have to play this cool.

Shit. What if he still hates me? I should just let him live his life. He hasn't reached out all this time, maybe he just wants to forget about me. My phone begins to ring. It's the number.

"H-hello?" Suddenly my throat feels dry.

"Hey," a woman says, "did someone just call from this number?"

Sadness creeps it's way into my throat. "Yeah but I think" I sniffle, "I think I have the wrong number. I was looking for Kaden." Not sure why I'm telling this stranger this.

There's a long pause on the phone. I'm ready to just hang up when the woman comes back.

"Who is this?" She asks.

"Katia. Do you know my brother? Kaden Galanos. He's my twin." I say.

Another extended pause.

"Katia?" The woman questions.

"Yes. Who is this? Do you know my brother or not?" I snap. Is this his wife or girlfriend or something? I already hate her. I hear a beep and call ends.

What the hell just happened? I flop back down on my head and sigh as my head sinks into my pillow. I guess I'm back at square one. I lie here daydreaming about reconnecting with Kaden until I fall asleep again.