Christine

I wasn't sleeping that well so I decided to get out of bed earlier than usual. I only slept in my panties last night so I throw on an old t-shirt to roam the house. I find my way to my paint room. I look around and sigh. I haven't been in here since the day I showed Katia. I put a blank canvas on the easel and ready my pallet. I'm going to paint the first thing I thought of this morning, Katia's grey eyes. Those soul snatching portals intrigue me. They're simultaneously soft and piercing. They were the first thing I noticed about her. Those almond shaped diamonds sparkling first thing in the morning, gives me the start I need to my day. If only she was here now, but I can paint them from memory. I could recreate her entire body with my eyes closed. From the mole on her right shoulder blade to the birthmark on her inner thigh. Her perfect olive skin and hair the color of midnight, softer than silk. She's a dream. I keep painting until I like what I see on the canvas. I've done a beautiful job but it still can't compare to the real thing. I am in love with her. Like... Really in love. I laugh to myself. How did I even get here? My phone buzzes. It's Brittany. I take a deep breath before I open it. It's just a sad face.

Sorry Brit. I was in the middle of class when you text me.

It's fine. What did you think?

I stall. It was a nice picture but I can't tell her that. I begin to type that it's not okay that she sends me those types of things when my phone begins to ring. Katia.

"Hello." I answer.

She sniffles. "Hi Mama." Her voice is whiney and soft the way it is when she's in little space.

"Hi baby. What's wrong?" I ask. I look at the time. She should still be in therapy.

"I'm having a really hard time in session and Evelyn said I could call you. I just needed to hear your voice."

I frown. "I'm sorry baby. Well I missed you all night long and I woke up early to paint."

She sniffles. "What did you paint?"

"Your eyes. I think I did a pretty good job. Think I'll paint your lips next so I can kiss them when your not here." I joke.

She giggles. "That's not the same!"

"You don't have to tell me." I say.

"I can't wait to see you later." She says softly.

"I am counting the seconds."

"Bye Mama."

"Bye baby. I love you."

"I love you too." She says before she hangs up. I groan. I wish I could be there for her. I hate knowing she's upset and not being able to comfort her. I look at my painting and sigh. I should start getting ready for work. Maybe I'll wear that pencil skirt Katia says she likes so much.

When I get to the campus I am approached by a grinning Beverly. She looks like she's up to something.

"Can I help you?" I ask.

"Good morning Beverly. So good to see you since the last time I shot you down! Oh you too Chris! Good morning!"

I laugh. "I'm sorry. Good morning and I did not "shoot you down" I kindly declined your offer."

"Uh huh. But the answer to your original question is Yes! You can help me." She says tossing her strawberry blonde tresses to the side.

"How may I be of service?" I ask.

"You know John has been sick."

I nod. "Yeah. Is he getting any better?"

"Unfortunately not. So some of the staff thought it would be a good idea to put together a benefit concert or showcase to help raise money to help him out with bills and things while he's out of work."

"And you want me to dance?" I ask.

She bats her eyelashes. "Pleeeaaaase."

"Bev." I groan.

"It's for a good cause Chris. Think about John." She says.

I sigh. "Fine."

"You'll do it??" She ask excitedly.

"Yes. For John." I say.

"One more thing."

"I'm listening." I shuffle through the keys in my hand to unlock the studio door.

"I need your help putting the concert together. Everyone else is super busy."

"What makes you think I'm not super busy?" I ask.

"Please. After work you go home, put on some water for your tea, and be broody or you spend your time in the cellar with some unfortunate soul."

I look at her over my shoulder. Her mentioning the cellar is a bit jarring for some reason. Perhaps because she used to be the unfortunate soul. "Jealous much?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes. "Anyway. What do you say?" She sticks her hand out for me to shake.

"I feel like I'm selling my soul to the devil." I shake her hand.

"If anything it's the other way around." She smiles and turns to leave. "See you later partner."

I scoff. "See ya."

_____________________________________

Katia

I'm sitting at home on the couch wrapped in my favorite blanket. I didn't go to my classes today. Therapy was rough this morning. It was draining. I cried a lot and I just wanted to be alone afterwards. The word of the day is abandonment. That's what we talked about in therapy today. We talked about my mother and my brother. Two people I never speak of. It hurts to even think about them. I pretend they don't exist but today Evelyn pulled a few skeletons out of my closet. It was heavy emotional labor but I really tried. I think I made some progress. Evelyn is helping me dig deep so we can find the root of my issues. I hope it works. I don't want to be fucked up forever. Mama will probably wonder where I am when class starts. I should text her so she doesn't worry.

"Not feeling well. Won't be in class. I love you." I send the text and put my phone back down. I continue staring at the wall. It feels like I need to cry but I don't think I have any tears left. My phone vibrates.

"I love you more. I'm coming as soon as class is over."

I read the text and put my phone on the table.

I used to always wonder about my mom. Like what she was doing and where she was. Did she think about me? When people asked her it she had any kids, what did she say? Why the hell did she leave me? I asked myself these questions until it made my head hurt.

I don't remember a ton about my mother. I only know what my father used to tell me. He never speaks of her now. He said she was a free spirit. My brother is like her that way.

My mother basically kidnapped my brother when we were younger. She said she could raise him better. She knew what was best for him and my father would only snuff out his light, she said. I always debated with myself on why she didn't take me too. Did she think I didn't need her? Eventually they found them and brought my brother home but she didn't come back with him. He grew up resenting dad. He continuously talked about how much he missed mom. Whenever I would try to comfort him he would say things like I was just like dad or it was my fault mom left. I started to believe him after a while. He started acting out a lot. It started off with fights at school then it grew into bigger problems like stealing and starting fires. He eventually went to a juvenile detention center. I have no idea where he is now. I always felt like he hated me even though I didn't do anything. As my brother, my twin, I expected him to protect me and love me but all he ever did was hurt me and leave me lonely. All the time dad spent away for work, I had to fend for myself. Thank God for Liv and her family or I would have spent a lot of holidays alone. Though, I know my dad was just trying to provide a good life for me I still wish he was around more. I love my dad so much. He's hard on me and strict but I know he loves me. He has never let me forget that. Even when he was away he never let me fall asleep without a phone call to say goodnight. Admittedly, we have grown apart since I came to college. In part because I was trying to gain some independence, but I know he'll never stop loving me.

The sudden knocking on the door rattles me. With my blanket still draped across my shoulders and over my head, I shuffle to open the door.

Mistress walks in and I close the door behind her. She puts her hands on my head.

"I'm not sick." I say leaning away from her hand.

She frowns. "You said you weren't feeling well."

We sit on the couch and I lean into her arms. "Not physically." I murmur.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks while gently stroking my hair.

"I promise I'll tell you later but right now I can't talk about it anymore."

"Okay." She kisses the top of my head.

"Tell me about your day." I say closing my eyes against her chest.

She clears her throat. "Well it started off on an interesting note. I was approached by Beverly this morning."

I open my eyes but stay quiet.

"She asked me to not only perform in the benefit concert but to help her curate."

"What is the concert benefiting?" I ask .

"It's who. John Matchels."

"Aw Mr. Matchels is such a nice guy. I heard he had cancer."

"He does." She confirms.

"I hope you said yes." I say.

"I did. How do you feel about me working with Beverly?" She asks.

I shrug. "I trust you."

She sighs. "Katia I have to tell you something."

"Yes, Mistress?" I sit up and look at her.

She studies my face before looking at her phone. "Brittany sent me a picture." She says.

I nod. "Yeah she sent me a picture of us from the party. Is it the same one?" I say.

She shakes her head slowly. "No. She was naked."

I lean away from her a little further. "What? Why did she do that?" I ask.

"I don't know. We hadn't spoken since the beach house then I randomly received that text." She explains.

"Well what did you say?" I ask.

"I didn't reply. The next day she sent me a sad face. I told her I didn't reply because I was in class when she sent it. So she asked me what I thought and I swear Katia I was in the act of telling her it was inappropriate but you called me crying so I just kind of forgot."

I fold my arms and stare at her blankly.

"Please don't be mad at me, babe." She says.

I can't be mad. Well I guess I could but that would make me a hypocrite. Brittany kissed me at the breakfast table and had her hand on my inner thigh for the duration of the meal.

"I'm not mad. She uh.. she kissed me the morning after our little.." I make an awkward motion with my hands. "I didn't think it was a big deal considering, but I never told you."

Mistress looks away from me for a second and then sighs. "Okay. No more secrets." She says calmly.

"No more secrets." I repeat. "But what are you going to say to her? I know she's your friend and you don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want her to think she has that kind of access to you. You're mine." I say crawling back to her to be held like the little baby I feel like.

She wraps her arms around me. "I know. I'll figure it out and talk to her."

"Okay." I say.

The door to our apartment opens and Liv strolls in. She flings her bookbag to the floor and opens the fridge to grab a beer. She plops down in the arm chair and smiles at us. Well someone's in a good mood.

"What's up Chris?" She asks.

Mistress chuckles. "Nothing much. How are you?"

"I'm perfect." Liv answers.

"Why are you in such a good mood and isn't it a little early to start drinking?" I ask playing with Mistress's fingers.

Olivia mocks me by mouthing what I just said. "It's a celebratory drink."

"What are you celebrating?" I ask.

"I had that talk with Leah." She says trying not to smile as wide as she really wants to.

"Who's Leah?" Mistress asks.

"A girl Liv likes." I answer.

"I told her how serious I was and I was willing to put in the work. I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes." Liv takes a swig from her bottle.

"Well congratulations." Mistress says.

"So she'll stop creeping in and out of here like she doesn't want to be seen?" I ask.

Liv laughs. "Probably not. She's weird about meeting you."

"Why? What have you told her?" I ask.

Liv laughs. "Nothing. Just the important things I thought she should know."

I blink. "Like?"

"You're my best friend in the world and roommate who just so happens to be my ex. I told her you were kind of an asshole too."

Mistress chuckles.

"I am not!" I say defensively.

"Okay maybe I should have used the word... protective." Liv says

"Maybe." I say sarcastically.

"Remember that time you spilled ketchup all over Maddie Swimmers in 11th grade?" Liv asks.

"That was an accident." I say.

Liv shakes her head. "No it wasn't." She says looking at Mama.

"Tell me more." Mama says.

I put my hand over my face and groan. Liv tells her story after embarrassing story about me. She even has pictures. I can't lie, it's helping me feel better and I even laugh a little. Mistress probably thinks I'm a nut now but she's laughing along with Liv.

I cuddle closer to Mistress and she tilts my head up to kiss me. I would never refuse or deny her but I can't help but feel a little weird. It wasn't a long or sexy kiss, just a peck but I think that's the first time I've kissed someone else in front of Liv. I'm not sure I've ever seen her kiss anyone either. I mean I know she has. For people who literally share everything we've been conservative with our displays of affection around each other. Has it been intentional or are we just subconsciously trying to shield the other? I can't be certain.

_________________________________

I ended up coming to Mama's house. I'm still in a funk. She bought me a coloring book and a cool cup that changes colors when you put hot or cold liquid in it. I'm lying on the floor coloring and listening to music. I have on my onsie. I'm comfortable if nothing else. Mama brings me a bowl of cereal, my request for dinner. She turns the radio down. She sits on the floor beside me and watches me color.

"That's pretty baby." She says.

"Thank you Mommy." I say before eating a spoonful of cereal. I continue coloring.

"Mommy." I say.

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to color with me?" I ask.

"I'm having a pretty good time just watching." She answers.

"Oh." I kick my feet and eat my cereal.

"Baby." Mama puts her hand on my back.

"Mommy."

"Are you feeling better?" She asks.

I nod my head. "A little." I close my coloring book. "Mama do you want to play a game?"

"What game?" She asks.

"Hide and seek."

She purses her lips. "Hmmm.. okay." She says.

"Yayyy. You hide first."

She hops up. "No cheating." She warns.

I giggle. "Go Mommy." I turn around to count. I finally get to ten and start to look for her. She's not in the kitchen. I go to my room and look under the bed and in the closet. I check behind the shower curtain. She's not any of those places.

I go upstairs to her room. Nothing.

Her painting room. No.

The dance studio. She's not there.

I open the cellar door. "I don't want to take off my onsie Mama but if you're down there, I found you."

I'm met with silence.

Hmph.

I wander around the house aimlessly. Where could she be? I'm starting to feel restless and fear bubbles in my stomach.

"Mommy?" I call out. It feels like my chest is tightening and it's getting harder to breath. Tears begin to sting my eyes. I fall to the ground struggling to catch my breath. I start to sob uncontrollably. I curl into a ball and cry harder and harder. My palms are sweating and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Moments later I hear footsteps quickly approaching.

"Baby?" She kneels beside me.

I can't answer. I can't even open my eyes. I'm so scared and even though she's right here I feel alone. I feel myself spiraling. It's dark and scary. Familiar.

"Katia. Look at me." She puts her hands on either side of my face and strokes her thumbs against my head. I shake my head no.

"Katia. Please just tell me what's going on."

I don't say anything.

She doesn't say anything else and just wraps her arms around me. I break down even more.

We sit in the corridor for a long time. She's sitting here holding me in silence. I've finally stopped crying but I haven't said a word. I feel so bad for dragging her into my darkness. She doesn't deserve this. She didn't know I was a mess. I wipe the tears and inevitable snot from my face.

"I want to go to bed." I say quietly.

"Okay. We can sleep in my room." She strokes my hair gently.

I sniffle. "No. I want to sleep in my room."

"It doesn't matter to me where we sleep baby."

"I want to sleep in my room alone." I don't look at her. I can't.

She's quiet for a moment. I wonder what she's thinking. Probably that I'm a psycho bitch.

"Okay."

I can hear the sadness in her voice. She stands up and offers me her hand. I stand and kiss her on the cheek.

"Good night."

"Good night baby."

"I love you." I whisper.

"I love you too." She says sadly.

I go to my room and close the door. I lay on the bed and start crying even more. It's like my heart is breaking and I can feel the pieces snapping in my chest. I wish the night could just swallow me whole.

_________________________________

Christine

Last night was hard. Having Katia in the same house and sleeping apart was torture. Watching her breakdown last night was the hardest things I've had to since we've started dating. During breakfast this morning she was distant and distracted. She barely said a word. She picked at her omelette until Liz showed up. We haven't spoken since then. Not even a text. I text her but didn't get a response. I haven't seen her in the hallways at all today. I'm starting to worry. Class is starting shortly and she isn't here yet. I go stand in the hall to see if I spot her running late. No sign of her. Though Tori and Olivia are nearing the studio door from opposite directions. They nearly run into each other inches away from me. I lean on the doorframe.

Tori looks just as annoyed as Olivia does but she speaks first. "Have you seen Kat?"

"No. I was coming here to wait for her. Thought maybe she was with you." Olivia says.

Tori shakes her head and looks at me. "Uh Miss Bell?"

"Yes?"

"Is Katia already in class?" She asks.

I turn around and look as though I don't already know. "No, she's not." I answer.

"Is she sick?" Tori asks Olivia.

"Probably of you." She answers.

"Leah's not though." Tori says smugly.

Olivia steps closer to her. "What did you just say?"

"Hey. Don't you two have somewhere to be?" I ask.

Olivia takes a deep breath and looks at me.

"Go." I say gently.

Olivia squeezes the straps of her book bag and eyes Tori one more time before she storms away.

"And you," I say turning my attention to Tori, "stop antagonizing her. The last thing either of you need is more time on the bench."

Tori looks surprised that I know that. "Yes ma'am." She turns and scurries down the hall. I roll my eyes and check my watch. I guess she's not coming.

_________________________________

Katia