No way.

No freaking way.

I stare at the picture trying to put two coherent sentences together but all that was ringing in my mind was the fact that my sister-

Oh God I think I'm going to puke.

Michella and Eric.

Michella and Eric.

Michella and Eric.

Michella and-

Yeah no, definitely going to puke.

Eric was the father.

Eric was the one who had gotten Michella pregnant.

Oh my God. Was it just me or was this sounding even more ridiculous by the second?

No, it actually made perfect sense, what was ridiculous that I'd actually believed their shit lie all those months back that it was Jake. That was a lie.

But Eric?

It couldn't be one.

Because there was no freaking way there was any chance that this was a coincidence.

Pictures said a thousand words and this one painted the fact that Michella and Eric were together when she was sixteen very clearly, around the same time when she got pregnant.

Michella had gotten pregnant in New York that much was clear and it couldn't have been Jake for the love of God, only someone who was as stupid me would have believed that lie.

But in the end everything did add up, the fact that Jake had always mentioned a vague mutual friend who had introduced him to Eric. How Michella had suddenly gotten a hold of my camp CD, why she was so afraid of anyone finding out.

I suppose she'd figured out that I had been bullshitting about knowing about the babies father after all. But I still couldn't believe it.

Michella and Eric.

And did Eric really love her? So much so that he would stop coming after us because of her? So that I could finally be with-

I stop for a moment realising what exactly Michella had given me.

I could be with Jake.

I could be with Jake.

We could finally be together, no Eric no nothing.

I could finally-

And then my happiness frizzles out just as quickly.

I could be with Jake, but what about my grandmother? How could I just leave her?

I couldn't.

I wouldn't.

And I couldn't ask him to stay either. Jake may not have the best relationship with his father and he may not even want to be in charge of the company but it was still his legacy and asking him to leave it behind was not something I was going to let him do either.

It was the only way that Jake would finally step out from the shadow of his father by taking the reigns of the company and running it his way. By proving to himself that he would never be like him.

And I couldn't take that away from him.

But could I keep my mouth shut on the other hand about

It would be so easy. Just to go and show him everything. Michella's letter, the picture and tell him that we could finally be together have that future, have that life together we couldn't before. I'd attend MIT to be closer to him and then join my dad's company.

It would be so easy. All I had to do was go next door and tell him everything and choose him.

But instead I tore the acceptance letter into half.

And I did it again.

And again.

And again.

I did it again and again until there was nothing but tiny pieces of shredded paper lying all around me.

I stare at the pieces, my heart breaking into two. It didn't change a lot but for me it meant that I wouldn't be going.

Because that's the way it had to be. I couldn't go to MIT. Even Jake knew that, it's why he'd lied to me about getting Michella pregnant in the first place and pushed me away in the first place so that I wouldn't have to make the choice in the first place.

So shouldn't I return the favour? Make him think that there is no chance whatsoever instead of throwing it on his face that despite the fact that we could be together I was choosing to stay here.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if Jake chose me over everything else and I wouldn't

I don't know if I would be able to live with that but then how could I live without him knowing that I finally had a shot with him?

Typical, life was screwing me on every turn. Couldn't it just give me a fucking break for once?

Of course not. Pick on Clara Wilson was it's favourite thing to do.

I put my head in my hands trying to stop myself from screaming. I'd already broken one laptop and if I didn't find something else to break that wasn't my heart I was going to lose it.

I stare at the bits of paper all over the floor and then at the picture of Michella with Eric.

Eric looked like he was in love with Michella, the way he stared at her was something I wasn't even sure the asshole could do. And Michella looked happy. Genuinely happy, something that I had never seen before. Then what had happened to them?

Well, Eric is certifiably pyscho.

But then again, Michella has her own share of crazy.

Ugh. Was I really starting to think that Michella and Eric were a good idea?

There is a knock on my door and I look up, breaking me out of my reverie.

"Clara." Its my mother at the door,"I hope you're ready. We are going to be leaving in a few minutes."

"Yeah." I manage to say,"I'm getting ready."

For a second there is silence before she speaks again.

"Clara?"

"Yes?" I sigh not making any effort to open the door.

"Make us proud." She says,"Don't disappoint us in front of all those people."

I hear her heels clicking against the floor as she walks away and I can't really get myself to care about my mother pride at this moment.

I walk over to my window a part the curtains enough to see into Jake's room.

I don't know what I expect, probably something along the lines of Jake waiting there on the window sill with his curtains parted telling me that it was okay, that this was just another mess that we would manage to get out of.

But he isn't.

I could tell him now.

It would be so easy to just knock on his door, just-

No. I needed time to think about this. I had until after graduation to tell Jake. He'd said he'd come.

I'd tell him then.

Maybe. Probably. I don't fucking know. I'd decide when I see him again.

At that point I didn't know it was an if I see him again.

___________________

By the time I reach, almost everyone has already arrived and the ceremony is just about to begin.

The field in front of me is filled with people, most of them in bright yellow graduation robes with their matching yellow caps set neatly in place on too of their heads.

I crane my neck in order to get a glance of Jake who should be somewhere in the crowd.

Where is he?

Where is-

I crash into someone so hard that I almost fall to the ground but at the last moment I manage to catch myself at the last moment.

Score

"I'm so sorry." I mutter looking at the boy in front of me. He's tall, maybe even tall enough to rival Jake in height and his blonde hair is all over the place sticking out eccentrically as if he'd run his hand through his hair far too many times.

He wore dark sun glasses which I suppose was kind of weird considering the fact that it wasn't even sunny and the baseball cap that he had dropped just made it weirder.

He's good looking that much even I had to admit though I couldn't see his face completely. But I'd learned the hard way that blonde boys were not my type. In fact my type had pretty narrowed down to Jake Henderson.

But there was something about the boy that was vaguely familiar. Had I seen him somewhere before?

"It's okay." The boy murmured looking around not quite paying attention to my apology. He bent down to pick up his cap but that's when Rebecca called my name.

"Clara!" I turn my neck to see Rebecca who is standing across the field waving her hand frantically.

The boy in front of me froze.

I didn't have a lot of time to think as to why, when Rebecca started making her way towards me.

The boy stood up straight and practically ran in the other direction, his shoulder crashing into mine almost sending me sprawling into the grass but I manage to catch myself.

Ha.

Score

Damn. I was on fire.

"Are you deaf?" Rebecca asks,"I've been calling you forever."

"Sorry." I murmur, "I was trying to find Jake."

"Well if you'd picked up the-" Rebecca starts but she breaks off abruptly when she sees the cap on the ground.

The one the boy must have forgotten to pick up.

For a second she seems shocked and utterly confused but she quickly shrugs it off and turns her gaze back to me,"So what happened?"

I raise an eyebrow.

"I need details." She says and then makes a face, "Not all of it, especially if you guys did the nasty but-"

"Why does everyone think we slept together?" I ask exasperated.

"So you didn't?" Rebecca questions.

"No." I say.

"Bullshit." She coughs,"Sorry something was stuck in my throat."

I give her a look and she grins.

"So have you finally decided to spend your life together and make cute little babies?"

Another look.

"What?" She asks innocently, "This one is a genuine question."

"Well the problem that had been keeping me away from Jake is finally over." I say, "He won't push me away anymore."

"That's great. Like I said, I need one of the kids to be named-"

"But I haven't told him yet." I say softly, "That the problem has been resolved and that I can attend MIT near him, that he doesn't have to worry about keeping me safe anymore by leaving."

"Why haven't you told him?" She asks.

"Because I can't leave my grandmother. I won't be able to live with myself if I do that." I say, "And I'm not going to do that. Jake knows that I won't and what's the point?"

She looks at me like I'm the dumbest creature on the planet.

"You're kidding me right?" She asks, "You've got to be joking."

I stare at her confused.

"Why?" I ask.

She gives me yet another why are you so dumb looks and takes out her phone.

"Just to be clear, before I start telling you how moronic you really are let me just tell you quick summary of the situation. Despite the fact that you can be together and whatever has been keeping you apart is now gone. You're not going to be together."

"I can't leave my grandmother." I say, "And Cal Tech has been my dream-"

"This is a phone." Rebecca says dangling hers in front of me.

"What?" I ask.

"This a phone. It's this magical device invented for people with brains to use it and communicate with people who are far away." She says.

"Okay?"

She face palms herself.

"You are so hopeless." She says, "Just have a long distance relationship you moron. I mean this is exactly why phones and Skype were invented."

I stare at her gape mouthed.

"Yes." She says,"Do you now realise how stupid you sound? Contrary to what you believe there are people who are in relationship with guys who don't live right next door."

"How can that possibly work Rebecca?" I ask, "Long distance-"

"Okay now let's take a recap of what the two of you have been together." She says, "He's read your diary in front of an entire camp, he's broken your heart more times than the both of us can count. You on the other hand have been in love with his step brother for quite some time before him and you basically strung him along the entire course of senior year and despite all of that shit you guys still love each other. Do you guys genuinely think the fact that you guys can't make a long distance relationship not work?"

I just keep staring at her.

She smiles,"Don't even try faulting it. You know I'm right and for once this is a real problem that everyone faces not some ridiculous jacked up drama like before. So take advantage of that and follow the precedence."

"But how can I ask him to wait for me?" I say,"I'm not going to-"

"He waited for you for four years before Clara." She says,"And at that point he was just fourteen and he wasn't even sure that he loved you. Seriously it's like your sabotaging your own relationship now. He'll wait for you. You know he will. So let him. What was that shit quote again? If you love someone set them free and if they love you back they will come back or something. Personally I think the quote is a pile of steaming shit, but hey if it works for you take full advantage of it."

"So what do I do?" I say, "Just say all of this?"

"Well add your own bits and pieces and throw in a few I love you's and I want to have your babies," she says,"And it would be better if you don't say the fact that I had to tell you to say all of this to you because I'm a complete idiot."

"I'm not a complete id-"

"Oh my God Clara." She says,"Just go find him already."

"Right." I say,"Long distance relationships, I love you's, I want to have your- okay no I'm not saying that."

"Any way I can convince you to add a will you marry me? I really want to be a maid of honour."

I elbow her and she laughs.

"I request all family members and students to take their respective seats as the ceremony shall start in a few moments." The PA announces.

"Well best of luck valedictorian." Rebecca says,"Inspire us all with your speech."

I blink.

"Valedi- OH SHIT!" I curse out so loudly everyone around me turns to looks at me.

"You didn't write the speech?" Rebecca asks,"What the hell were you doing?"

Just finding out that my sister was impregnated by a pyscho.

"Uh no." I say,"I kinda mighta sorta have forgotten about it."

"Ugh you're hopeless." She says,"Fine I'm going to Google good speeches and text them to you just keep the phone in front of you and I'm going to try to hunt down Jake too. You have to talk to him before his flight leaves at two."

"His flight leaves when?"

"Two." Rebecca says.

"But its already noon." I say.

"But you said he was going to be here right?"

"Yeah. But-"

"Miss Reynolds, Miss Wilson." Mrs Davis calls out,"Your seats now."

Damn it.

Okay.

I can do this.

Rebecca gives me an encouraging nod and goes to her seat and I head to seats behind the stage.

I'm totally going to do this. How hard can winging a speech be? I'm going to nail the speech and then I'm going to find Jake and everything was going to be alright.

Things would be alright finally. Everything was finally falling into place.

"Hi."

I turn around to see Alec standing there and I stand there shocked for a few seconds.

"Hi." I manage to say finally.

"Jake told me to give you this." He says handing me a note.

"Jake?" I ask confused but none the less taking it.

"Yeah." He manages to smile a little bit,"Turns out he and I can actually stand each other when we are not fighting over the same girl."

I look at him mutely and he gives me an encouraging nod,"Best of luck for your speech."

And just like that he's gone.

I make my way towards the seats and sit down, thankfully shielded from view from the rest of the crowd.

I open the note, making sure to carefully hide it in the folds of my robe just as our principal starts speaking.

I love you.

I'm not sure how to start this but I suppose this seems like the best way. I should know better than to keep on saying those words to you especially since that makes me such an asshole all things considered.

You deserve far better than me, you always have because I ruin people and I was dumb to ever hope that I wouldn't do the same to you.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry for so so many things.

But mostly I'm sorry that I love you. I'm sorry that I can't stop loving you. That I stop loving you. You deserve so much better than me but I'm selfish. I'm incredibly selfish when it comes to you. And I wish I could tell you that I was the better person, that I could pretend that I was not in love with you. That I could lie to myself and say that you were just Clara Wilson, the girl with greyish blue eyes, the dorky Spongebob T-shirt and the Harry Potter fetish who was yet nother girl who I would forget eventually.

But you were never Clara Wilson. You never could be. You were different, you were unpredictable and I fell for you so fast that I didn't know what hit me.

I tried my best to stay away.

To lie to you about my feelings, to lie to myself, to make you hate me so that I never get the chance to realise that if you ever did love me that I would actually get a chance at a life, a happy life with you.

But like I said I ruin things. I ruined our chance before we even got it. I want to tell myself that if I was given a second chance I would stay away from Eric and I would forgive my father.

But I wouldn't, because I am not a nice person. I am not forgiving. I am not giving, I'm not kind and I am no good. I'm bad, I'm a terrible person and maybe I can blame it on my father or my mother but in the end I made my choices and I have to stick by them.

I wish you had never met me. That we never ended up in that car together. That I didn't ruin you over and over again. That I didn't put you in danger, that I didn't get you involved in my world.

I'm sorry for that. It's easier to hate me when I lie to you and it's easier for me to stay away from you when I convince myself that I hadn't been in love with you ever since I first met met you.

I knew the ending from the start and despite all of that I loved you. And I'm so so sorry. I loved you knowing that my mistakes,that the ghosts of my past and my judgement would ruin us in the end.

I tried to make you hate me.

I tried showing you what a monster I was during New Years, when you chose me, chose me over Alec, chose me over your better judgement.

I left you that night because I was stronger then. Because I knew you deserved better than that.Deserved someone better than a boy who couldn't move past the shadow of his father.

And yet despite all of that you forgave me before I even had a chance to explain myself. You somehow see the best in me Clara Wilson and you bring out the best in me. You make me wish for a life, a happy life and an ending with you.

You make me wish in the impossible.

And all I do is tear you down.

All I do is break you over and over again because I can't keep away from you.

You can't keep doing this to yourself. And I can't keep doing this to you. Because let's face it Car, every time we say goodbye I just end up coming back because I can't stay away.