It's afternoon by the time I can get myself out of bed. I'm quick to change realizing that my time running away from my problems is over and now I'm going to have to face them all head on and fix the mess I had created for myself.

It's a daunting task and I'm almost tempted to go back to sleep and just hide from them a little longer but I can't do that.

I grip the pen drive and the book as hard as I can, taking a deep breath in.

I can do this.

I'm going to fix things.

I open the door of the room slowly, unsure of where I could find Natalie and thank her for.. for everything.

Natalie's parents aren't home, that much is clear as I make my way down the stairs. I suppose it's one of the things that kept us together as friends for so long, the fact that we both had terrible parents.

But I had my grandmother and though Natalie's parents hadn't quite abandoned her like mine practically did, I never stopped to wonder why she turned out the way she did and why I turned out the way I did it.

Because despite everything I'd always had my grandmother.

My heart twists painfully and I have to repress the urge of panic that comes with me even thinking about what I had found out yesterday.

One thing at a time Clara. You can do this.

I finally find Natalie in the living room. Books are sprawled all over the place and she's siting in-between the jumble of papers and books, her eyebrows furrowed, concentrating on the text book in front of her.

Natalie Anderson was studying.

For a second I almost think it's a joke. Natalie didn't study. The years we had been friends, Natalie never even touched her books.

And yet...

It was just another thing I'd been wrong about.

"You know, instead of standing there and just staring at me like I've just teleported from another planet, you could just clear your throat and say hello." Natalie says making me jump.

"Y-You're-"

"I know studying." She says quietly,"Unusual for me isn't it?"

"I didn't mean it that way." I say quickly.

"Yes you did." She says,"But unlike you I actually have to work to graduate. Not all of us can get into a top notch college with no effort whatsoever."

It wasn't true. Although I could scrape a B without too much effort, I'd always had to work my butt off to be at the top.

"If you need hel-"

"I don't need your help." She snaps at my offer and I flinch.

She takes a deep breath and puts her book down and finally turning towards me,"I'm sorry. It's just that I've been stuck on math since morning and I'm tense. I need a B to graduate."

I stare at her with my mouth open,"Did you just apologise to me?"

She stops for a moment her eyes wide and then simply shrugs,"Huh. I guess I did."

"Wow." I say,"That's something I didn't think I'd ever get to see."

"Then let's agree never to talk about this." She says,"I'd rather be called stupid because I don't study. Not because I try so hard and I still don't get a word."

She turns back around as she starts reading the text book. I stand there awkwardly until she sighs.

"What now?" She asks,"Just spit it out."

"Who asked you to check up on me?" I ask.

"Rebecca." She says,"She paid me a little visit last night."

"Why?"

"To punch me in the face after she found out I slept with her boyfriend." She says and then quickly corrects herself,"Sorry ex. She was adamant I use the word ex."

"Rebecca punched you?" I ask and there is this huge grin on my face that I can't seem to keep off.

"At least try to feel sorry for me. The girl may be tiny but she sure as hell knows how to punch." Natalie says and then shrugs,"I deserved it and she promised to punch Jeremy twice as hard, so I was all too happy. But I am curious."

She pauses for a second.

"What made you tell her in the end?" Natalie asks,"You'd quite literally blackmailed my mouth shut."

I sigh. I can't quite forgive myself for doing it yet, I can't believe I had done it and to be honest, I didn't quite know how it slipped out. Yesterday had been my final breaking point and I'd said and done things that were absolutely unredeemable.

I was going to try to fix them none the less.

Despite the fact quite literally lost the reign on anything and everything yesterday I'd learned that I was stronger than I thought I was. And in the end it turned out that all I needed was the black box that had been lying in my house all this while to put things into perspective.

Because Jake's Clara wasn't a coward. And no matter how far from grace I had fallen I was determined to be the girl he saw me as, the girl who was brave, the girl who was different and the girl who wasn't afraid.

"I chose Alec over her." I wince as it comes out,"No I chose the idea of Alec over her. Like an idiot."

"I would call that idiotic." Natalie agrees,"Although I'm going to be perfectly honest your best friend doesn't look nearly as heartbroken as I'd thought she would be. She just looks mad."

"Rebecca is Rebecca." I say,"She's tough. But I still didn't want her to go through it."

Natalie sighs,"Take this as the only piece of advice I'll ever give you except to drastically change your fashion sense. It's not your choice to make. Don't play God for your friends Clara just learn to let go, let them live their life, you live yours. It's not your responsibility to clean up everybody's screw ups for them because in the end all you end up looking like is a nosy goody two shoes who can't handle anything but perfection the way she likes it."

I stay silent for some time,"It's what I did to you didn't I? Micromanaged you into what should have been Clara Wilson's perfect best friend?"

"I know you didn't mean it like that." She says,"But it did feel like that and let's face it Clara how long would we have lasted anyway? I'd be off cheerleading and being awesome while you'd still be looking like a hobo in some corner."

"Wow." I say, but still I'm smiling,"That's real nice."

"Rebecca, though." She says,"That chick is either a genius or just crazy. But she cares, far more than I did. Now that's a good friend. I was shocked when she asked me to check up on you."

So am I. If I were Rebecca I would run me over with a car right after I was done with Jeremy.

"I don't deserve her for a friend"

"No you probably don't." She says,"But then good for you, I suppose. I'm pretty sure she cancels out the red haired bitch who slept with Alec the day of the football game."

My mouth drops,"How did you know?"

"Well they weren't very discreet about it." Natalie shrugged,"I was surprised it wasn't all over the Gossip Review that week. I suppose that must be Rebecca too."

"Wait a second." I say,"Are you telling me that everyone in school knew about the fact that Samantha almost slept with Alec for nearly a month?"

She shrugs,"Yeah. Isn't that why you went off tracks with all the alcohol and shit? Because you found out that Alec cheated on you with her?"

"I just found out yesterday." I say dumbfounded,"I'd always thought that people thought Alec dumped me because of Jake."

She raises an eyebrow,"Seriously what do you live under, a rock? Everyone knows you've got a thing going with Jake which is why everyone has left you alone but as far as the school is concerned Alec has been branded as the cliche who cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend and you're the hero who is currently in a relationship with her ex's stepbrother. You're a shoo in for Prom Queen."

I blink,"I got nominated for Prom Queen? When did all of this happen?"

She sighs,"Wow. What have you been doing?"

Drowning in my whiny mind.

"I thought I was avoiding everyone because they thought I cheated on him with Jake and they'd probably kill me for doing anything to Alec."

She rolls her eyes,"You've still got that Alec Evans can do no wrong mentality don't you?"

I taste something bitter in my mouth,"No. Not anymore."

She shrugs,"Wow. Maybe now you guys will actually work out."

I hesitate for a moment before answering,"No. No. I don't think that's going to happen. It's not going to work out, not like that."

This time Natalie actually turns and stares at me as if she can't quite believe what I'm saying.

"So you're really with Jake?" She asks looking confused,"But didn't he leave?"

And he's probably never coming back. Not after the things I've said to him.

I don't think I have it in me to give up hope on us just yet. Not after what I'd read, the side of him I'd seen. But I'd done my best, the voice mail... Whatever I had said it was the best I could do and if that wasn't enough....

Then that was simply it.

"I don't know." I say truthfully,"Jake and I... "

I trail off and then take a deep breath,"I don't know what's going to happen between Jake and I but as far as Alec is concerned it's over. At least in that way, it took me a while but I realised there was nothing there, just a girl who needed someone to hold on too because she had no one else."

"Good for you."

"Y-You do know you're better than Jeremy." I blurt,"Rebecca is and so are you. You shouldn't-"

"I know." Natalie says simply.

"Oh." I say,"Okay."

"So now since we are done." She says,"I need to go back to being stupid."

I want to offer help again but I bite it back quickly.

"You know." I say quietly,"You're not stupid. You've never been stupid. It may look like that to you but see yourself from somebody else's perspective and you'll realise that there is a lot more to you than the person you think you are."

She sighs,"Are you returning the favor from yesterday? Because I really don't need a pity-"

"It's not pity Natalie." I say,"When I was sitting on that sidewalk yesterday, you said you knew what it was like to give up. I know what it's like to feel like I'm a screw up at everything. Trust me it's not just a feeling. I quite literally screwed up everything. And the one support I.."

I falter, I couldn't talk about my grandma just yet.

She sighs,"I get it...Now, if you're done feel free to leave."

I know I've crossed a certain boundary but I still stand there fiddling nervously with the clothes I'd worn at night, unsure of what to say.

"I-I was wondering where to keep the clothes you gave me." I say unsurely,"You know in case I have a break down again and you're stuck baby sitting me again."

She's silent for one long moment and I shake my head,"You know what forget-"

"Put it in the laundry." She interrupts and I can almost see the small smile she has on her face,"You know where it is."

And that's when I realise that maybe my friendship with Natalie Anderson isn't completely over.

________________________

"Grandma?" I knock on her door softly, "Can I come in?"

"Of course." Her response is immediate and I take a deep breath before pushing the door open.

She looks fine, just like she always had, untouchable and invincible. She couldn't be sick. But that was the worst part of it all, because no matter how much I convinced myself otherwise in the end she'd still be sick.

The entire walk home had been me trying to keep myself from becoming a complete mess. Surprisingly I'd managed to hold it together, gripping the book in my hands far too tightly and convincing myself that I was going to be strong enough for this.

"So Natalie called this morning telling me that you were sleeping over." She said, "Imagine my shock."

I managed to smile a little although it doesn't hold for too long, "Yeah that was a last minute kind of thing. I was just as shocked as you were but turns out even after everything we can still be friends."

She smiles, "Of course you can."

There is a pause before my grandmother continues,"So Michella left and I-"

"I know." I blurt it out before I can help myself. My grandmother gives me a confused look and I take a deep breath.

"The meds?" I say,"We had an oncologist come to- it doesn't matter, but I know."

My voice barely comes out in a whisper and I'm biting my lip so that I don't burst into tears. I promised myself that I'd be stronger than that.

I'm pretty sure someone up there listening is going LOL! Like that was ever going to happen.

My grandmother doesn't seem shocked just resigned,"You found out. Did Michella have something-"

"No." I say,"Michella said a billion other things to cover this one up. But she didn't, your med cabinet-"

"Ah the oncologist who came to your school. That makes sense now." She says calmly,"When did you find out?"

"Yesterday night." I say quietly.

"And I suppose the laptop currently lying in Michella's room practically in shambles was your doing?" She asks.

"Uhh, maybe?" I ask,"Will you believe me if I said that it flew out of my hands completely on its own accord?"

Her lips turned into a faint smile,"I'd applaud you for pathetic excuse but no I'm not going to believe you."

I stand awkwardly at the door trying to put my jumbled thoughts into order, so that I could even begin to understand what was happening.

My grandmother hadn't said anything she was just staring at me with a distant expression which told me she was a million miles away.

"Come sit." She said, tapping the space on the bed next to her.

It was something I had done an awful lot as a kid, whenever I was upset or angry she'd always know how to calm me down. She'd make me sit next to her on that bed, talk about everything and nothing until I could finally think clearly again.

She'd been my pillar all along. She'd been my parent, my guardian, my hero, everything. And no matter what happened, she would always be that for me.

"How bad is it?" I ask.

"Pretty bad." She admits,"Blood cancer. Untreatable and all that jazz."

Oh god I cannot believe my grandmother was going to take the lets make fun of this road.

"How long?" I ask slowly,"How long have you known?"

"Nearly a year." She says and I gulp.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask.

"I didn't want this to burden you."She says,"I was worried of how it may effect you."

I let out a snort,"You're dying and you're worried about me?"

"It's my job to be worried about you Clara." She says pulling me closer towards her,"You know that."

"But you didn't have to." I say trying to keep my voice from shaking,"You could have told me. So that I haven't been so selfish and self absorbed-"

"How old are you?" She asks.

I'm completely off guard with her question and I stare at her,"What?"

"How old are you?" She asks again.

"Why?"

"Humour the dying old lady won't you?"

I throw her a look and she smiles slightly.

"Too soon?" She asks.

I throw her another look and she rolls her eyes, "Fine. No jokes."

I swear to god my grandmother was a two year old at times.

"I'm eighteen." I say.

"Exactly." She says,"That's what you think. But for me you're always going to be the little girl with her two front teeth missing, who cried for at least an hour because she thought I'd left her forever in the hellhole that is kindergarten. It's not your job to take care of me Clara, it never has been. I can't ask you to put your life on hold to take care of me."

"But I want to." I say,"You know I'm going to anyway. And it's not some kind of chore or some kind of punishment for me. I can't believe you would even think that."

"I don't." She says,"You'd do it regardless of what I told you and it's not your job to fuss over me. You have your future-"

"You're my entire family grandma." I say,"I don't care about my fut-"

And then I stop because I realise what she's trying to say.

"Y-You-You're not even fighting this are you?" I ask,"It's why you didn't tell me b-because you don't want to fight this. You're not even going to try to become okay. You're just – just letting yourself die."

A pained expression crosses her face and I realize that I'm right.

"Clara I love you." She says,"But you hold everyone so tightly near you that you're so afraid to let go. Loosen the rope a little Clara, you have to let go. Don't be afraid to let go. If not now one day you're going to have to."

"I've come to terms with this." She says quietly,"I'm okay with it. I need you to be okay with it too."

"How can I be okay with this?" My voice rises dangerously high,"I can't just let you give up. How can you just give up?"

"I'm not giving up." She says, "I've just accepted-"

"But I don't want to." I whine like a two year old. I'm reduced to a mess for the billionth time in two days, but I don't care. I knew I should try to be strong but I can't. Fuck being strong, I deserved to be a whine and complain when the person who raised me was...

I burst into tears.

"See?" She says,"What did I tell you? Now all I need is some ribbons for your hair and we'd be able to recreate play school Clara Wilson."

"This is not funny." I say between sobs.

"I know." She says softly,"But believe me when I say that I'm okay with this."

"How could you be okay with dying?" I sniffle,"I'm not okay with it. I am absolutely not okay with you dying."

She smiles,"I know. So be brave for me? Believe that even if I sound crazy, it's what I want. I've come to peace with it and I'm asking you to do the same."

"You're asking me to be okay with the fact that you're dying?" I ask, "You're all I have Grandma and it's-"

"Baby, you know you have so much more." She says, "You have your friends , you have your future ahead. I've lived my life the way I want it and I have no regrets. Everything has to end and I'm perfectly fine with this particular end."

"You're asking me to just sit here and watch and just let you go?" I mumble, "How could you even think that? How do you expect me not to just sit here and watch you die?"

"Yes, I know." She says taking a deep breath in, "I know it's a lot for me to ask and it's terrible too but Clara, this what I want. I don't want to be treated like I'm made of glass and I'll break any moment. I don't want to fight a losing battle, I've surrendered and I'm much happier. I've come to terms with the fact that this is the way it's supposed to be. So yes, I'm asking you to let go, please."

I find myself at a loss for words.

"I-I-" I can't quite get anything out because the pain is almost crushing and I just can't think of anyway that I can do this.

How could I? S-She was my grandma, I-I couldn't- I j-just couldn't.