shit I can't do this anymore

"Clara I'm so-" He starts.

"No." I say,"No you can't- you-"

He's apologising for it.

Because it's true.

It's true.

No.

No.

Alec can't- Alec won't- but he did.

"Clara I really am sorry." He says.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

How-how-

I find myself backing away away from him and he looks at me-

Jake lied to me but Alec-Alec he- oh god.

"Clara I am sorry-"

"Sorry?" I say my voice shaking,"Sorry? How-how can you think sorry can make it alright you-you fucked up so badly and you're saying sorry as if it's going to make everything all right.I can't- I can't how could you do this? You're the one person I believed in. You've always been the one person Alec how- how-"

"I'm sorry." He says again desperately.

"I'm sorry won't make things alright!" I scream,"You lied to me! Y-You were drunk and you drove the car. You crashed it. You-You-"

I don't realise that I'm still moving backward and I hit the car behind me. I need to leave but I can't- can't-

But Rebecca had been right I can't run away from this I have to face this but-

"Alec how- how-" I couldn't get myself to even start to understand how I could be so wrong about a person.

"I made a mistake!" He says,"You don't think I know that?"

A mistake.

He made a mistake.

No, this couldn't be pushed aside as just a mistake.

And I wasn't going to let it just go.

I couldn't let it go.

"A mistake?" I question,"A mistake is oh! I mistakenly put ketchup instead of mustard on your hotdogs not oh! I went on a joyride while I was drunk and crashed the car and almost two people killed, Alec."

"I didn't mean to do it." He yells and I look away convincing myself that I wouldn't cry. That there was nothing left in me to cry about.

He sighs,"I don't know if you've noticed but I've wanted to tell you for a long time. And I know I messed up but I didn't do it intentionally. I was angry and I never asked Jake to get into the car. I didn't crash the car on purpose,I lost control. But if I did. If I had told you would it have made any difference?"

No it wouldn't have. Not even one bit. Because there were a lot of things I could forgive Alec for, there were a lot things I had forgiven Alec for, but this..

"Did you do this intentionally?" My voice is quiet and toneless.

He stares at me unblinking. He looks at me unsurely,"You think I would do this on purpose? That I would try to hurt him on purpose? Do you actually believe that?"

"I don't know what to believe in! " I explode,"I've always believed in you. You've known that. But you lied to me. You drove the car drunk and you-you were the one who crashed the car. You almost killed him Alec and your-"

"So that's what this is all about him isn't it? " He says humorlessly, "It's always been about him hasn't it?"

"It's about the fact that you almost killed him." I say, "It's about the fact-"

"No it's not!" He says,"It's always been about him. Before this you had known all along that he was the one who was driving the car. But you didn't care because you were willing-"

"I checked dammit!" I say admitting one of my more darker moments. Of course it had crossed my mind that Jake may have done it on purpose and I had checked that day in the hospital itself. I'd always cursed myself afterwards ashamed that I would even think of him doing something like that. That he would be that careless, that dumb ,"I saw the file. There was no sign of DUI in his file."

"He changed my report with bribing." He says,"He could have changed his."

"But he didn't did he?" I say,"I didn't check yours because I believed your story blindly. How could you ever be so dumb how could you, Alec Evans ever be so careless? But in the end it was you and you lied to me about it."

"Jake asked me to." He says.

"So what?" I yell,"You could have told me-"

"And it wouldn't make any difference." He yells,"What was the point of telling you when you would hate me either way."

"Because it's the right thing to do!" I yell,"You've always done the right thing, you've-you've-"

You've always done the right thing.

He slept with Michella.

He chose Natalie.

He used my best friend.

No he's never done the right thing I had just been blind to all his faults.

I hope when you finally realise what he's done you think it's worth it. Worth losing your friends over.

I'd told Rebecca about Jeremy. No I hadn't just told her, I had thrown it on her face just to defend Alec because I- I thought Alec was worth defending.

And I was wrong.

"I didn't know how to tell you." He says,"How was I supposed to tell you that I fucked up so badly?"

"It was better than hiding behind Jake." I say,"Than saying he was the one-"

"He was the one who offered." Alec interrupts,"I think I owed him after almost killing-"

"Listen to yourself!" I say,"You can't blame this on him. You were the coward, he just gave you an easy way out and you-"

"He only gave me the way out because he thought it would effect you." He says,"But it really doesn't matter anyway you're going to choose him anyway no matter what he does because-"

"I just ruined my friendship with the one person who is better than both of you combined." I say,"I did it because I believed in you. Not Jake but you."

"You slept with Samantha and you broke her heart just like you did with me." I say,"What kind of person does that make you? You think you're better than Jake-"

"I'd thought you were better than him." He says,"You've changed Clara and the old you would have understood why I hid it from you-"

"There is no old me." I cry out,"Don't you get it? This is me. This has always been me and that's always been you. We've just been too blind when it comes to each others faults-"

"Each others faults?" Alec accuses,"You've thrown all of my mistakes in my face and made a point to rub it in."

"And you basically called me a slut for sleeping with a boy that's not you." I say,"What did you want me to do Alec wait for you until you finally noticed me? I slept with Jake because it was my choice and it was my right."

"And that's what you've been doing for the past two weeks haven't you?" He says,"Excercising that right of yours every night when he sneaks into your bedroom?"

I stop,"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh please Clara I'm not that naive." He says,"You think I don't notice how Jake is always missing at night? How the curtains of your room are always drawn? It doesn't take a lot to figure out what the two of you are doing but I honestly thought you were less of a slut than that."

"So what if I am not? What gives you the right to call me a slut when you've slept with everyone in town?" I yell angrily,"Is it because I'm a girl? Because I'm a girl I have to be all good and chaste just for you? And I'm I supposed to give you a pat on the back for sleeping with girls and using them just because youre a boy? God Alec when the hell did you become such a pig?"

"You know I don't mean that." He asks,"You've changed. You've become someone else with him and when he's gone, we'll talk properly."

I laugh.

I actually laugh.

"I'm not going to magically go back to the girl you want, Alec." I say,"Because I'm not her. And you're not going to be the boy who I thought you were because you're not him. So don't think Jake leaving is going to change a thing."

"This is exactly what I'm talking about. You are unable to see what a horrible person he-"

"No, Alec." I say forcefully,"I know exactly what kind of a person Jake is. He's a liar, he's a coward and he's broken my heart so many times. Yes he's toxic and he brings out the worst in me but I he's never pretended to be someone he's not and I always assume the worst in him."

"But you." I continue, "All I saw was the best. I convinced myself that you were this knight in shining armour and I was some damsel in distress and you were going to save me from my pathetic life."

I shake my head,"I was so stupid. I was so damn stupid. I blamed Michella, I blamed Natalie, I blamed Samantha when it was you all along. And the fact that I was too caught up in my fantasy to even notice your faults the fact that you played with everyone's feelings. You cheated on me wit-"

"I am sorry I cheated on you." He starts clearly not understanding what I was trying to say,"Samantha meant not-"

"Don't you get it I don't care you slept with another girl. I don't care. I just don't. But I do care about the fact that you used my best friend. That you played with her feelings that you-"

"We didn't get too far." He says,"And I wasn't playing she seemed all too willing."

"She's in love with you, Alec!" I say,"You knew that didn't you? Obviously she wouldn't mind. But you played with her feelings and if Rebecca-"

"Rebecca has her own issues. That bitch needs to-"

I slap him.

"You can call me a slut or bitch whatever you want Alec." I say,"But Rebecca is out of bounds for you. And Samantha too. You have no right to say anything about either of them. And you have no right to say anything about Jake because he's a terrible person I know. But you're not any better so stop being at hypocrite and face up to your mistakes and just stop lying."

"You're mad at me." I say,"Not them. Stop making this about others. It's about you and me so leave them out of it and face the fact that you're lies-"

"You're telling me to stop lying?" He asks his voice dry but there is a sort of triumph in it that's so Un-Alec like it's scary ,"So tell me how long do you plan on lying about the fact that you know that Jake and I are half brothers."

And I know.

I just know by the way he says it what he's just done. And when I turn to confirm my suspicions I'm not disappointed.

Because the boy who is standing across the road with his mouth open, his face slack is none other than Jake.

Well what can I say? Jake and his impeccable timing.

"What?" Jake's voice comes out strangled and choked and I know he's heard everything. He obviously has. Alec had made sure to time it absolutely perfectly.

"Y-You-" Jake starts as realisation slowly dawns in his eyes and I stand there watching his world crumble around him.

And I just stand there. Because I know there is nothing that I can do. Nothing that will actually help.

Alec just laughs,"Hasn't Clara told you anything? She's known longer than I have."

Jake turns towards me and his eyes sy it all. His eyes say it all. Betrayal, anger but most of all desperation that it wasn't true.

"Please tell me this isn't true."

And it's a startling sense of the fact that I had said the exact same words just an hour back to him, begging him not to lie to me when in the end it had been me who had been keeping the biggest secrets.

I had kept it from Jake not only because Conrad Henderson had made it very clear that opening my mouth wasn't going to end well for me but because of what I thought it would do to Jake.

No matter how many times I'd tried to tell myself that it had done it for Jake predominantly there was a part of it that was for Alec because I was scared of what Jake might do if he found out. He had always been unpredictable and rash and I couldn't see Jake knowing end well. After all he still thought that his father had been the one to kill Alec's mom.

And I had never told him otherwise that his father had loved her far more than Jeanine Henderson and it had all been a very shitty co-incidence. But I'd never known for sure.

And then there was the biggest reason I'd kept it from him. I was afraid that Jake would blow up once he found out. Jake would react rashly volatiley and worse of all Jake would react like his father.

Cold, threatening and absolutely lethal. Just like Conrad Henderson had when he figured I knew. And I was afraid that Jake would be just like at him and lash out at Alec.

But that doesn't take away the fact that I had lied to him. The fact that I had kept it from him.

And Alec was right. I was so busy calling everyone else a liar I hadn't taken a moment to stop and realise just how bad I was too.

So the moment Jake pleaded with me to tell him that it wasn't all true, pleaded with me to erase the guild in his eyes I just couldn't lie.

"I'm sorry." I say softly,"I should have told you this before."

His grip on Alec loosens and Alec pushes him away and he stumbles back his gaze still on me.

"And you asked me why I was so drunk." Alec says tauntingly,"You've clearly not experienced just how much this girl can fuck you over have you?"

Jake ignores Alec and steps forward. I look away, my hands shaking. I'm pretty sure the only thing that's actually keeping me up is the car behind me which I'm leaning on.

"You knew." Jake says his voice is soft and unsure,"You knew h-how long?"

I don't answer.

"How long, Clara?" He asks again and his eyes are wide and frantic no walls whatsoever and I can see just how desperate he is to be wrong.

Just like I was.

But he's screwed me over so many times.

They've screwed me over so many times. Why should I feel even close to sorry?

Because I love him.

And this time there is no doubt in my mind who the him is. But I was done lying. I was done getting my heart broken.

"How long?" He asks once again and I can't get myself to say it. I can't get myself to admit what a hypocrite I had been.

"Your-" Alec pauses and then corrects himself,"Our father was the one who told her." Alec says,"And I only found out after someone dropped of a letter."

"Someone?" Jake queried his voice low now and somehow steady.

"I don't know it was pink." Alec shrugs.

I know he's put two and two together. Pink. Spencer. Who else?

"And it narrowed down on her specifically." Alec continues,"She begged me not to tell you."

"Not to tell me what?" Jake says his voice so low that I have to strain to hear it now and I can feel his gaze on me but I don't have it in me to look up. He's asking the question in a tone that sounds like a man clinging on to his final strand of hope.

There is a pause from Alec, "Not to tell you that Conrad Henderson was my father too."

There is a silence that's cuts through the night like a knife.

"H-How? " Jake starts,"H-How can it be true?"

"Whats your mother's name?" I ask Alec softly.

"What?" He says actually surprised that I'm saying anything.

"Whats your mother's maiden name Alec?" I say.

"You know-"

"He doesn't. " I interrupt still not looking at Jake.

"Arabella. " Alec says,"Her maiden name was Arabella Winters."

I turn towards Jake to watch all the color drain from his face.

"You knew about this-" he starts his voice shaky,"My father knew that you.."

He trails off and I give him the smallest of nods.

"You promised me that you wouldn't go to my father-" he says and I know the tone of his voice the kind his barely concealing his anger but this time it's the kind where he's trying so desperately not to break.

"Clara how-what-" he starts as if he can't voice what's going in his head,"You promised-"

"Yeah well you promised me a lot of things to!" I snap,"But you lied to me too didn't you?"

He opens his mouth and then shuts it again.

And we don't say anything. Because there isn't anything left to say. We had repeated ourselves too many times now.

"You knew about this since New York. "He repeats his voice is still unsteady and I shut my eyes tightly.

"I did." I say.

"Car." His voice makes my heart twist and it takes everything in me to keep my eyes shut, to not look at him. To not cry, to not break down.

"Car look at me." He says quietly.

I keep my eyes shut.

"Car look at me." He says once again.

No.

"Clara dammit look at me." He yells and he throws something that makes a metallic clang with the tarmac forcing my eyes open.

And he's staring at me, with his green eyes wide and pleading as if he's trying to make sense of why his world had suddenly fallen apart.

"Why?" He whispers.

I'm breathing heavily and I know I'm just seconds away from falling to my knees and giving up so completley on everything that I'll never be able to come back out of that hole.

"B-Because. " I finally say,"I was afraid of how you would react. I was afraid that you would react just like him when you found out."

Him.

Conrad Henderson.

My words are vague but it hits Jake's deepest fears which is the fact that he wants to be nothing like his father and yet somehow ultimately that's where he was going. To get past the guilt of being his father's son. To come put from underneath his father's shadow that had crept into every aspect of his life.

And I had driven in the fact that I thought he was just like him.

This is the second time I've thrown Jake's dead father in his face today but this time I know it's done the damage it's supposed to do because he's already backing away.

He's going away this time and I know he's going to go away for good because this time he's running away.

He turns to Alec for a split second who is watching the two of us confused as well as scared. Alec doesn't know what he's started, but I know how it's going to end.

Because the last glance that Jake gives me is one that is completley blank. And I know that this is it. We've said goodbye so many times but this time there is something final about it.

Something irrevocably final.

Because this time Jake isn't just going away, he's running away. From me but not only me, he's running away from Alec and he's running away from the guilt of being his father's son.

He's running away this time but he's not doing it for me, he's doing it for himself, he's doing because he's angry, hurt and afraid and. He knows that I'll do nothing this time to convince him to stay and I know that nothing I say can convince him to stay.

So we don't say anything.

It's just silence.

Absolute deafening, roaring silence between us.

Because this was not a goodbye.

This was a eulogy.

This was the eulogy of everything we had ever shared and had ever hoped to be.

It was just silence.

But it was so much more.

It was the end.

And the moment Jake Henderson turned and left I sunk to my knees, my legs just giving out underneath me.

But the funny thing was that I didnt feel a thing. That same defeaning silence filled my head.

Alec still stood their wordlessly perhaps finally realising the damage he'd caused. He was confused I assumed but guilt was written all over his face.