I walked into my house with a mission. I didn't know how'd I'd just subtly start up a conversation with my brother but I knew it needed to be done.

I saw him immediately, he was sitting at the kitchen table stuffing his face with chips as he stared at his phone with an angry look on his face.

"You look...mad." I sat across from him.

He just shrugged and began to furiously type away on his phone.

I knew this wouldn't be easy.

"So I heard something today." I started.

"If this is about the fact that Nikki has called me ten times in just the last hour I don't want to hear it." He shut me down.

Jesus that girl is really trying everything to win my brother over. I knew she was stubborn but that's a lot of calls.

"Caitlynn said she was thinking about transferring closer to home." I decided to talk about it anyway.

"That doesn't change things." He shook his head.

His phone started to ring after he said that and when he looked at the screen he dragged his hand over his face. I could tell that this was stressing him out.

"Can you tell her to stop calling." He thrusted the phone towards me.

I nodded and answered the call.

"You answered." I heard Nikki on the other end.

"It's actually Ella." I told her.

"Oh, hey El." I could hear the disappointment in her voice.

"Hey." I didn't know what to say to her.

"I'm guessing he doesn't want to talk to me."

"Yeah I'm sorry Nikki." I tried to let her down the nicest way I could.

"I did a shitty thing I know but you have to know that there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I don't regret what I have done. Can you tell him that I miss him and that I'm sorry. I'm going back to California after New Years and I was hoping I'd be able to see him before then."

"I'll tell him." I agreed.

"Thank you Ella."

"You're welcome."

After a short goodbye I hung up and repeated everything back to my brother.

"It's been two years! Two years and now she wants to try and win me back?" He yelled.

I took a deep breath, this wouldn't stress me out. My brother was just hurt and overwhelmed by everything that was going on. Everything was ok.

"Can you not yell?" I begged.

I watched his featured soften.

"Im sorry." He frowned.

"Hey it's ok." I assured him.

I understood why my brother was upset. This was a personal issue I knew I had to deal with.

"No not just for yelling everything. I've been a shit brother for as long as I can remember. Do you remember what it was like when we were younger?"

I smiled thinking about all the good memories.

"I wanted to be just like you. I thought you'd hate me but you never seemed to mind that I would just follow you around everywhere. Do you remember the time mom dragged us to church and we hid out in one of the hallways with our iPods listening to whatever song we had just convinced her to let us buy?"

"She was so mad when she finally found us." He chuckled.

"I miss those days."

"Me too." Jackson agreed.

"Do you think we can ever be that close again?" I asked him.

"Ella I want to be. I know the things I've done are probably unforgivable but I want to fix things."

"Do you remember that day?" I didn't want to shy away from the topic anymore.

"I try not to think about it but yeah I do."

"I don't even remember what I did to make you so mad but I remember your arm wrapping around my neck and the few seconds it took for you to realize what was going on and for you to finally let go. But the thing that had always bothered me is that you just ignored it. We never talked about it and you just went about things as if you didn't just do that."

"I remember I had been so angry all day and I just bottled it up because I was sick of blowing up on everyone. I didn't want people to think they had to walk around on egg shells around me so I just tried my best to stay calm. You had been pushing my buttons whether you realized it or not. It was like every second that went by it was getting harder and harder to suppress everything. I finally snapped and when I finally realized what was happening I already had my arm wrapped around your neck. I'm sorry Ella, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that."

"I can't be mad at you, it's like impossible. I wanted to for so long to hate you for that one thing. Whenever you'd try to do something nice it would just pop back into my head but when everything went down after that it was like I couldn't use that to hate you anymore."

"Just because I'm bipolar doesn't make anything I did when I was at my lowest ok. I shouldn't have hurt you in anyway."

"I understand how it must of been for you. How confused you were and how you didn't know what was happening. I think back to it and I just wish that I would have done something to try to help you before it got that bad." I sighed.

I would change a lot if I could go back. I knew my brother was going through something but I just ignored it and focused on my own problems.

"That's no an excuse. You changed so much after that and when I finally worked up the courage to say something you had changed and our relationship had changed. I didn't know how to talk to you about it anymore so I just didn't."

I could see the regret and guilt in his eyes. I knew it was probably something he beat himself up about many times.

"I forgive you Jack, I don't want you to beat yourself up about it. I just want you to get better." I said honestly.

I hated watching my brother struggle. I hated seeing him jump from therapist to therapist trying to find something that worked for him. He seemed better now, he got put on SSRI's in hope that the increase in serotonin would help reduce his depression and his hypomania.

"I feel better, the meds seemed to be helping and the psychiatrist I have now seemed to actually know how to help. I feel like more of myself and I think that's all that matters."

I smiled. This is the brother I remembered from before everything. I didn't want to lose him to his own mental health, I liked to see him smile and I liked to see him relaxed. Before he was either locked up in his room for weeks or he was on edge and like a ticking time bomb. It was good to see him being more of himself I didn't get to see that side very often.

He was family and nothing would ever change that.