even after taking meds yesterday and an overdose of pain reliever.

The first vibrant thing in my head is my argument with Lucy, slamming the door in his face, his repetitive knocking till like four in the morning maybe, I don't know i locked myself in the bathroom crying my eyes out.

I should have just listened to Jer because what do i do with all of this!? Believe me I know that in his own way he's trying for me but its hard when what i feel is much more and encompasses what he feels.

I feel so small next to him, not enough, minicular.

He will enventually get tired of this, of me and leave. Us just fücking will never be enough.

And I'm so tired of fighting this entire defeated battle especially because he's not even fighting at all, he doesn't even know the battle exists!

He doesn't want me.

This stupid—

God my biggest mistakes was falling inlove with him! I did everything I could! Suppressing, lying to myself and living in a 'us bubble'

I don't even know what set it off! All I know is that i love him so much and yet it's useless! Fuvking useless.

I can't and will never get that look out of my head! The way he looked at me when i told him i love him.

How degrading!

How embarrassing!

It hurt too fücking much.

I shake my head, wiping fresh tears.

I get out of bed lazily pushing the covers aside, vaguely i remember that i slept naked, after taking a fresh shower to clean my tears earlier this morning, i also passed out on top of the covers.

His scent surrounds me and i find myself in his shirt.

So He came in here! Dressed me up put me under the covers.

But i locked the door!

He probably has spare key cards and knows the codes by heart.

I shake my head, it's suddenly chilly today, probably a mistake to have slept naked in the first place.

I go to the bathroom glaring at my features in the mirror! I look a wreck!

I take a shower, cleaning up and trying my damndest to stop the waterworks.

What do I even know about love?

Why do I think i love him!

Jer is the only one that has ever said those words to me that it really felt sincere and real, and i love Jer just the same. I've been seeing him like my super hero dad for so long.

But him, its different, it's whole its consuming, literally my whole being pulses around him like some sort of awakening. Thinking of him on a bad day makes the world better, when he just looks at me and i have to think and rethink whatever I wanted to say because i get lost in his eyes and enveloped by how he makes me feel and it makes me smile and colour rises in my face.

And it's way past physically appears, marveling when I'm near him and his heart rate picks up, those little things he does that seems so small which is such a big deal to me.

So why can't he just love me too?

Or want to love me?

Because he doesn't! He doesn't want to love me!

Or even want me enough!

I'm exhausted again the shower running with my tears, yet it still hurts all the same despite the facade.

I step out and he's here, my whole body falters. And i have to clutch hard on my chest and convince myself that an heart attack won't solve this, but I could possibly die!

He looks a mess just the same like he didn't sleep at all, but his hair is wet like he just came out of the shower. His scent consumes the room.

My heart trembles and i have to remind myself that there's a possibility we'll completely be done this time, so getting use to his scent has to stop!

"Hey" Is how he starts, looking exhausted and solemn.

I nod in response folding my arms under my breast because i want to touch him so bad.

"Foxie," He sighs shaking his head standing up. I take a step back, his eyes moves over my body noticing. He steps further grabbing me by the front of my towel and flushing me against him.

I gasp startled my heart rate picking up, he's so warm and being near him feels good

No no no! He has to feel bad against me.

I move to push away from him, but he cups my neck fist on my hair and presses his lips to mine hard. Making me struggle against him, struggling against myself too, to not capitulate.

But it's the way heat shatters upon my skin and fills the kiss so that it renders me useless, it's not demand it's desperation, not a command but a craving, a need, like he's pleading with me over something.

I don't know what..

And my defenses are sobbing out of me and milking out. I feel his tongue thrust in my mouth. And i lean against him grabbing his biceps and feeding into my wants.

We pulls apart and I'm trembling against him, just like him. He presses his lips to chin, my jawline still keeping his eyes close.

And I'm desperate with all this butterflies

"Foxie, Aya please...." He mumble framing my face and pressing out foreheads together. He sounds like he's talking to himself.

"C-can you.... can you even give me anything?" I whisper. My eyes dancing accross he's features as my tears yet again fall. He looks like he's fighting something.

"Don't give on me yet, please" He open his eyes, making my throat choke up with exigence. This man will absolutely end me. "Don't cry again baby please i beg you" He pleads with me, his hand brushing on my tears.

He's shaking, like really shaking.

My face dampens with a full blush and I turn my face away a little feeling too exposed "Did you find what you were looking for last night?"

"You're asking me that despite everything"

"Just because you don't feel the same way about me, doesn't mean I'll stop caring and it seemed really important to you" I bite on my lips, trying to pull back. My head is getting clouded with emotions again

"Baby, please don't pull away from me" He says with conviction, shaking his head, he frames the side of my face with one hand, his other hand brands the back of my waist pressing my body to his

. "I need you Foxie, I don't know what I would do if leave me. You have to know you're the first woman wanting to give me all this things, and I know I want it. I panicked yesterday, i was on edge and nobody has really fought for this, for me so Baby please understand."

I shake my head, burying face in his neck, as the sob wracks my body. "But why does it have to me so hard for you to love me!" I sob "I've gotten use to people not wanting me and me walking away, but you...

I love you and it's so painful Lucy!"

I hiccup, i feel him lift me against his chest, and my tears brawl out like a fücking hurricane. I've never felt so lost and caught in between before

"I'm sorry Foxie, please I'm working on it, i can't just summon all this feelings in one day, so just please let me prove to you that i can make it work. There will be nothing for me if you leave me. I know I don't deserve you, i remind myself everyday, I struggle with it Foxie, you have no idea. But you have to know, it's only you i want to do this for, just you. Just please let me try, baby please"

He agitates in my hair desperately, i can hear something so distant yet pleading in his tone, and hope. He's still shaking like he's scared. I can't control my tears because I'm so ready to just give up so that all of this would hurt less.

But i want to be with him so bad, the way that I'm not scared or mindful to do stupid things, or say something, anything that i feel like he would think it was absurd, and feel like I'm in an actual relationship with him.

"Let me fight for you and show you how much you mean to me. I wish you could look into my heart or my head and see how much you've fûcked me up, how much I'll break my limits for you. I would do anything for you baby, i just don't know if it will still be enough. If i would still be enough"

And I don't know what to do, my hope keeps triggering all this flames just engulfs me and brush warm goosebumps on my heart, so that all my tears flood down his neck.

I love him so much yet I don't know what to do.

For a moment i feel like we're both going to fall, he's still trembling but he moves and sits on the bed with me, stroking on my hair.

A slow headache is already starting to brew and hurt between my brows, and I don't even know when my tears subsided and i dozed off

I wake up, hearing him mumble soothingly I'm not sure he's talking to me. His hand is stroking soothingly on my back, his fingers soothing into my scalp.

I squint trying to adjust my vision and remember why we're here. I'm still in his arms, my legs are cramping, he smells like heaven and diamonds and he feels so good.

"How long was i out?" I croak sounding like i use my voice to scrub metal, I wince.

"A few hours, do y-you still want to leave? A CarFi came for you a while ago?" He ask slowly, carefully but i still hear the conviction in his tone. His hand in my hair is shaking

I don't respond, I sigh listening to his heart beat, pickup and thump.

"Baby?"

"Yes? Wait- whatttt the fûck is that!"

"What is it foxie- wait where are y..."

I pull away from him, crawling to the bed and grabbing his phone, i tap the notification and the picture comes up. My eyes blur with tears and rage and i just stay there for long minutes staring at it.

"Foxie-"

"Don't fücking touch me!! You said you didn't know her!" I growl tossing his phone on his chest "How convenient! Not only are you stringing me along to use me you're also keeping a side piece by you! You're-"

"Don't say that to me! I would never do something like that...."

"THERE IS A NAKED PICTURE OF HER ON YOUR PHONE AND YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYES YESTERDAY AND TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T know her! You're manipulative, a liar and you're disgusting"

"This is the girl from yesterday?"

"Fücking stop pretending you fücking bastard! Stop!"

"Here? Check it i have no record with her or conversation before those pictures. Click on the file roam icon until it connects and see for yourself. I don't know this chick! I don't even recognize her! What do i have to do to make you see that it's just you i have the capacity for?! Only you Foxie- just...."

"Stop! Just let me see"

My body calm down at his words, she did look desperate yesterday. Like she would do anything to have him, or try to.

I don't know! I don't know!

I check, her number, it isn't even saved, there's no record on the file audit. I do it on my phone too just to be sure, using KT's codes and theres no file history audit between them.

So i overreacted!

But fuck they were buck naked pictures! I can still kill a bitch!

"Wait, but how did she get your number then?" I look up and glare at him.

He moves toward me, trying to grab on the bed furniture then slumps, falling with a thud before I could even measure the precision.

"LUCY!" I scream panicking and scrambling towards him!

What the...!

Oh God!