Please forgive any mistakes i made..

as the tears leak down my cheek

He's awake!

God! He's awake!

They all go to him, talking animatedly, in both annoyance and joy, I cannot see him anymore.

"You're always so dramatic Luce, a rifle really?" One of them says.

"Even despite knowing I'm pregnant you still put me through this shït!" KT adds

"I wish i was the one who knocked you out" Someone else says.

"Be quiet, you guys hurt my ear when you all speak at once. How do you feel Nik some water?? Here" I hear the Russian girl say.

"Thanks little Grey. Where is she?"

I bite my lip hard. Hearing his words. They all part from blocking his view and he turns his head and looks directly at me.

My breathe seize and my heart skips a whole beat, then starts drumming loudly.

I've never been put in a position where all my thoughts just instantly get jumbled and I can't thinking clearly

"Foxie" He breathes

And i just bolt out of there. My chest feeling so congested and tight.

Why did it hurt this much thinking he wasn't going to wake up.

Tears blur my eyes as i speed walk past the hall way.

I can't breathe.

I really can't breathe.

I feel someone grab my wrist and my heart beat skitters. I'm so tense I nearly knocked their head off.

"Aya" I turn to him and start panting like i want to explode

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Why did you just leave like that??"

"I can't..." I pant "I can't...."

My head is whirling too fast, i feel like I'm go to pass out, my chest feels to fuvking tight. Straight up heart palpitation. I'm sweating and my head is starting to hurt and my stomach too

God what is happening.

"Aya, fûck what the hell!!" KT starts to shake me. "What the fûck you're stiffening up, and shaking!"

"KT! Don't shake her like that!"

"Little Grey! Well what do i do!"

"She's having a panic attack"

I feel smaller warmer hands on mine. She links our hands to getting. I feel her thump press on the back of my palm and somewhere along my wrist.

Her face comes into my view

"I want to buy a jar of sperm" She says confusing me, i get distracted for long moments and thinking her words through.

"What?"

"I want to buy a jar of cum or a big bag of cum. I want to grow babies in the back of my apartment, i love babies a lot, so why not. I'll just water it everyday and grow one because who needs men?" She shruggs nonchalantly

I stare at her, mouth open and blink then i burst out laughing because what the fûck.

"Okay" I nod pursing my lips "I support the motion"

"What did you do to calm her down" KT gets in my face but faces the Russian girl.

She smiles. "I'm going to leave you two alone and go talk to Nik and calm him down"

She nods as she speaks before turning around to leave.

"Aya? Are you okay" KT ask

I nod "I have to go."

"What! He's waiting in there for you. Why would you leave?" He shake his head grabbing both my shoulders

"KT please, just... i need to leave okay. This is so fücking hard. I'll come back I promise. I just need to breathe" I bit my lip hard to keep from crying

He just stares at me and I know he wants to object.

"What should i tell him. You have to know he's waiting for you"

"Tell him I'll come back"

I don't wait for his response before i head out of there.

I have to stop and breathe by my motorcycle. I don't know what sort of conflict overcame me. All I know is that if what happened to him had been worse I wouldn't have known how to act. What to do? Or what I would have done.

I get on the motocycle before I convince myself to go back up. I'll go back, but not now, not when I can't think, not when I'm still so bare, not when it still hurts.

It starts to rain in mass, drenching me in seconds, but it doesn't even matter

"I don't fücking care i just want to see her. She matters you know, it's just her, I've never felt before, but for her i do! It's been so long since anything has ever mattered!"

The tears fall out of nowhere, syncing with the rain and I don't know how to help myself.

"And she doesn't even know it, she doesn't see it, that it's her"

God Nikolai what am I going to do!

It just keep getting difficult! It just keep getting suffocating, and for once I don't know how to deal with it. What to do about it.

There so many blind spots with him. Yet some times it feels like I understand him so much.

I'm fully drench when i close up my garage and head back up.

I strip out of my clothes setting the water temperature to almost scalding.

A full clip of Nikolai falling into the pool of his own blood, on his knees, the rifle drop and he calls my name.

Me

Its her, he says

Yet I don't see it!

I don't see or understand what he really wants!

I'm exhausted.

I spent way too long in the shower with my thoughts going in zigzags

When i step out i go through the cabinet and grab some sleeping pills, and use it without water.

I grab.... I grab his sweater from that night, running my hand on the expensive fabric, i sniff it closing my eyes.

A view of his face grining at me fangs showing plays in my head none stop

His predatory look.

His eyes darking with lust for me

Just me.

His hand running through his hair

The way he looks at me just before he kisses me.

It's her he says!

But what the fuvk does that even mean.

I wipe my stray tears, feeling more headaches starting to brew. But the sleeping pill is strong and I'm even more dead on my feet.

I pass out surrounded by the sheets and his scent. Nikolai lives rent free in my head

Its her he says.

*********

I finalize the full draft and wonder what the fûck took me so long if it was that easy. I select all the people for the giveaway and sent the details to my assistant.

I'm beat!

It's been four days and I haven't gone back. KT's been blowing up my phone but he's okay now. He is, I know he is because i asked his precious girlfriend on her Instagram.

He's okay.

I'll be okay too.

He could have died

He didn't

He could still die

He will not!!

You said you were going to go back

And i will

He needs you bïtch! He needs you! What the hell are you still punishing him for!

He needs oxygen, water, hell he needs a hair cut. Me not so much! So shut up!

Cowardddd!

Bïtch!

What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of person are you!!

Can you shut up!

Just go to him. Why don't you just go to him.

I will i just need to think first.

It's been four days, I'm pretty sure ninety six hours is enough to think. So what's the deal! What gives!

Nothing!

You're pregnant aren't you!

Shut up!

GO TO HIM!!

I'M SCARED OKAY! I'M SCARED

Oh

I throw the fücking files across the room!

What the hell is happening to me! This is the most chaotic, vulnerable, and heartbroken i have been!

What the hell am I suppose to do?

I have zero control over my feelings for him.

Over myself God!

It's so fücking hard.

It's been almost a year since we saw each other and it's all his fault.

What do i do?

You will regret it if you don't go. You leave for Denmark in a few days.

Shut up!

Just get it over with and do it!

I catch my own reflection in my fridge mirror, and even though i look put together. I'm still a mess.

I go upstairs and take a shower. I grab a black dress, i put my hair down and grab my hair clips to clip the sides.

Before I know it I'm driving out into the garden and out the gates.

You're going to regret it if you don't go.

No I'm going to regret going because it's going to take so much out of me.

You're so dramatic for what!

I put some music on and turn it to the hightest volume to drown out the voices in my head.

Coaster by Khalid is playing.

I zone out and try not to think too much at once, or even think at all.

I don't know what possessed me to come out without guards, the reporters that hounded me at the restaurant I stopped by almost got their head taken off.

I'm already at the front door before i can scold myself not to.

I think to myself that the codes could have been changed and it'll be useless.

True true!

Let's get the fûck out of here! What the fûck are we even doing?

I turn around to bolt, I'll come back tomorrow, or next week or...

"Hey"

Fûck

I freezeee then turn around.

It's the red head, a different one, the other one. He has the most electric blue yellow eye.

"Ummm..."

"Come on in"

"Right"

I do go in

They're still all here.

"Prettytitssss!"

"Fücking let go of me!"

"No, now come with me"

KT carries me against his chest, my back to his front. Me kicking in the air and struggling against him.

"Fücking let go! What the hell!"

He uses his back to open a door and we wrestle our way in.

"What the fûck is this!"

"Foxie??!"

I'm spun around by KT and i see Nikolai, Shawn and the girlfriend.

Nikolai is shirtless.

I repeat Nikolai is shirtless!

Shït this wasn't what I pictured!

"Uh we are going to leave" I hear the Russian girl say, it sounds more like a question and she looks at Shawn saying this.

"Fûck why? We haven't even....!"

"We'll come back" She starts to tug him out.

"But Grey, this is fuvking important.... we have to do this now"

"But we have something to do"

"We do??"

"Yes"

"What the fuvk do... oh oh" The last oh sounded like a moan.

"You ass is mine Grey" He whispers but I'm a nosy bïtch!

He grabs her my throat, and uses his arm to hoist her up.

"Shawn" I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be a warning it sounds like a moan.

They disappear through the door.

And I almost witnessed a live virtual porn.

Cute.

I turn around hesitantly because God knows i was mostly being nosey because I was stalling.

My breathe almost rush out when i sight him again but i force myself to remain calm.

He left his hair down, they're much longer now. He looks better than he did before.

I don't know if he's better for him to he better looking but he looks so good right now.

And we're just staring at each other, i feel electricity charging all through the large room.

My chest is suddenly thudding like a train engine.

"I uh brought you...." I lift the bag pathetically

Only to find food on a tray, stacked for a king and compare to what i had in a bag.

"Russian food?" He grins, then walks toward me to grab it from me. "I like your hair"

I did it like that hoping that you would

I want to respond, but I don't.

My blush starts to bloom.

My eyes drop to his chest and stare for minutes long. I desperately want to touch him but I refrain from doing so.

Battling myself so hard.

He turns his back to me and too much runs in my mind.

"Lucy"

I feel him tense.

He turn around to me.

And i launch at and kiss him.