Not edited! To many upset PMs from you guys so here it is.

Posting FSD in an hour

i keep pacing back and forth. My stomach rumbles and it's not because I'm hungry i feel like throwing up.

I don't know what to do! I don't know.

What has happened to me in this past months!

I'm so exhausted, so tired and just so hurt! It hurts and it never stops. I shake my head. It doesn't help that i had to deal with another Damiem scandal, that fucker just won't quit. And I nearly shoved out the eyes of a reporter this morning.

They just keep hounding me more and more. They usually irritate me! Now they make me think of murder.

And to make things worse, i saw a video with Nikolai and his fücking Russian girl in a club kissing!

Whooo!

Hallelujah to that!

Fantastic!

Beautiful

Chef kiss!

I toast my glass of juice to the air, hiding the tears from my own self.

Because how pathetic am i?

She's taken he said.

By he himself!

How lovely!

HOW HUMILIATING!

And God how painful. Why won't it stop hurting please why.

It's been almost a year since I physically saw him and now i see that shit video!

I can't continue to keep taking this!

I can't take it! It hurts.

And it just goes on every day.

I'm either angry, crying or numb. Most days I'm numb blocking it all out.

And some days I'm crying and it drains me each time having to fight through every day like a war of hot snow. A hurricane of a rain.

It just an endless spiral of hurt then I'm numb again.

Such an unhealthy circle.

Music doesn't help anymore, I can't listen to music and forget that's how bad its gotten.

And so sad that it barely happened between us yet it thoroughly hurt.

I usually bounce back from anyone hurting me, easily. Its a trait if people keep hurting you.

But this, this just broke and shatter everything i ever worked for! Everything and i hate him so much for making me this way.

And I promised myself I'll stay away from him and try to heal. That I would fight for myself until the end and even if it ended me.

That I would win. I had to

But one phone call is changing everything!

One call.

"What the hell are you saying KT!"

"Aya, he wants to see you! He's fücking crazy and he has a fücking rifle! There's blood everywhere. Please i just sent your our location"

"What the fûck are you saying! What! I saw him with his Russian girlfriend at a club on my fücking explore page so please what the hell are you say?" My whole body is trembling

All i keep hearing is Blood Blood Blood Gun Gun Gun.

"Luce let's you see what he wants you to see and he might not seem like it to you because you're just so blinded by your pain! But this last few months has been hell! You and Damien was i the last straw"

"Don't you dare try to put the blame on me! Don't you fücking dare! I am not a coward like him, i am not running away! I know what i want he just won't give to me. I can't keep fighting for him, fighting my battles in me for him when there's nothing to fight for. It is he who doesn't want me. So don't you fücking say that shït to me!"

"I am not saying you're wrong Aya! I'm not saying your actions are not validated and I'm not saying your not hurting. I'm just saying he is too. So please..." I hear something shatter, a loud groaning then gun shot!

I heard a Gunshot!

Everything stills and seeps into a dull grey! What the fûck just happened.

I'm not even breathing

"KT! KT! ...." The line is dead

I take fist of my hair, looking at my phone and praying for it to say something to me.

I call him multiple times and it doesn't go through.

I grab my keys in a frenzy and dash into my underground garage.

I connect my phone to my motorcycle, literally jumping on it and zooming into the garden and out of my main gate, almost tearing the metal open if my guards weren't quick enough.

I input the address on the system, for the gps to locate.

My prayers are fervent, desperate, and pleading tears streaming pass the side of my eyes into the wind.

Finally when i make into the building, taking the elevator up as every moving person around me melts to such a misconception of grey.

Nobody questioned me.

If they did I probably was too consumed with myself to know

I make it to private floor and right infront of the door. I pull out codes KT sent me and the handprint decoy.

But i just stand there for serval seconds praying! I finally wipe my face from the tears and sort for composure

I word the codes into his security system and the handprint

When double doors slid open and I hear shouting!

".... I don't fücking care i just want to see her. She matters you know, it's just her, I've never felt before, but for her i do! It's been so long since anything as ever mattered!" My heart pounds loud hearing his voice

Oh God what is he saying.

I move closer, peeping and nearly gasp at the sight before me. Nikolai is holding a dagger and a DSR-Precision DSR 50 Sniper Rifle pointing it at about four of them.

I recognize KT and Red head from all five men.

He looks, I don't know how to explain it but he looks different. His eyes are so black and dilated. The air around him stills and only encompasses him and him alone.

He looks like he could kill cold bloodly without moving a muscle.

There's such a difference in the aura around him. It's stronger than anything that I've ever seen and it scares me.

Because I don't know what's wrong and he looks hurt.

"My demon, they lull when they see her. Even they see how ethereal she is, because it's her. But it'll kill me, she...." He sighs like he's breathing the most beautiful air of words, he tilts his head and twist his neck.

He brings his dagger to his lips and lick it drawing blood from his own tongue. Makings my heart beat skyrocket. "She can kill me faster than even this dagger"

"Put that shït away!" Red head thunders the only one daring to move forward

"And she doesn't even know it. She doesn't see it, that it's her" Nikolai goes on. "One more step and I'll blow your balls" He says to red head, his voice switch ing progresss to the most cold I've heard and promising death.

"I'm this close to knocking you out! Luce! Shut the fuck up and put that shït away"' Red head makes a grab for the rifle but Lucy stands in all his glory and i watch blood oozing out of his midriff

I gasp, then cover my mouth.

Nikolai hits his forearm to tip up red head jaw hard. But red head is quick to giving him a head butt and disabled his dagger hands until it clatters to the floor.

"Shut the fuvk up Luce and lets get you to the hospital. " I recognize the voice that it's still his red hair brother speaking since they all have their backs to me except Nikolai and well he's shouting.

"She matters" Nikolai says emotions unclear in his stoic voice but clear in his dark eyes

"We need to cover up the wound and stop the bleeding so fücking put the gun away!"

"I don't want to wake up from this and still continue to leave like that! So all of you get the fuvk out..."

"Hold his leg" this one is a different voice

"I need a gun and ropes if he won't stay still"

"Just let me knock him out already" It's his red hair brother among the many voices arguing

"Fücking selfish son of a bïtch. Just taser him or something" That's kt

"Can you all shut up!" That's his Russian girlfriend

And there's silence now like she controls gravity or something. Even Nikolai watches her.

"Shut up right now all you. KT where the fûck did she say was?" She's still wearing the same dress from that video of them kissing!

"I'm here" I step out but before i can asses all of them.

I see him move in a puddle of his own blood a large rifle in his possession.

All of them are a safe feet away from him except his girlfriend and the red head.

"F-foxie" He croaks the rifle clatters to the floor. And he just falls trying to walk to me. My world just circles and circles and pinpoint just him so he's clearer than sun I'm stuck on him.

And i just stop breathing. My brain is doing so much at once, yet I don't know what do next.

I'm so relieved that he's not dead and so confused as to why he's in this state

"That's her?" Someone ask

"Foxie?? You have to be joking"

"That's all he took? For her to come and he'll drop the rifle Fücking idiot!"

They'll talk at once

"So now that she's here can we knock him out" i hear his red head say but I can't take my eyes off of him.

My whole body wrecks havoc and it's too late to realize that I'm crying. I can't breathe right and I finally start to walk to him.

My head aches, heart beating fast with each step.

And with each step I notice that he's about to pass out. His skin is so pale and he looks so out it.

I quicken my step and rush to him.

Only to watch the red head throw his fist into his face.

My mouth fall open i shock! My body trembling harder

"Take the gun away from him, Cam, Vek apply pressure on the wounded. KT track Reigns he should be here any...."

I throw my fist against his face altering the rest of his words, probably shocking him and half the rest. I hear Nikolai's girlfriend gasp

I'm so unbelievably angry.

I clench my fists again to break his pretty perfect nose but he catch my fist easily and bends it to the back until it hurts until i feel like he's going to break my wrist

I move my knee up to his crotch but he's fast, he trips me and spins me around.

I try to bulge out of his hold but he's too strong.

"Let me go! Let me go right now because I'm about beat you until you turn blond. Why the hell did you hit him!!!"

"Get her the fûck out of her!" He says boredly signally to the guards

"No no! Shawn let her go! She needs to be here when he wakes up! Querrías verme cuando te despertaste si fueras él. You would. So let her go"

He does.

She goes to him immediately, tugging him away and they leave to God Knows where.

I quickly face KT

"What happened? Please tell me what happened?" I plead going to him.

"He well...He just went insane, trash the whole place. It started from the club. We tried to calm him down. It doesn't work, it never works Whenever he ch..... gets like that there's really nothing we can do.

He only stop when he heard your vioce when i was talking to you

And when you walked in"

He explains looking exhausted. I get the feeling he's not telling me everything.

"How did he get injured"

"It was a cooking knife, it was an accident. But he did want to hurt himself, well he did because of you. We prevented most of it"

"The gun shot"

"That was Prettyeyes. She did that to stop all the arguments"

"Okay okay, okay" He'll be fine i repeat in my head.

He'll be fine.

I look at him and I couldn't hold the rest of the tears, a different guy with red head is cleaning him up.

KT, tries to soothe me but it doesn't work.

Finally a doctor get here, buzz cut and professor glasses.

They move him to his room and i go in with the doctor despite KT telling me not to.

I join him in dressing the wound because i just want to touch him, to help. And because i want to keep my hands busy.

"Miss Rhodes, you shouldn't...."

The doctor starts. "I want to. So please don't question me" I say numbly

We quietly clean him up together. There are cut marks all over his forearms

Did he do that to himself.

He stitched him up and sets up an IV and of course some blood.

I just sit there watching him.

I take his hand in mine. Realizing that I've never held his hand in mine. There so many things ive me never done with him.

It hurts so much.

I run my hand through his hair just watching him.

"When is he going to wake up?" I croak

"Due to his condition i added and extra sleeping dose. His cuts aren't so deep but it'll take a while to wear off. But he'll be fine"

"Okay"

Everyone comes in.

Four guys including KT excluding the doctor, and the girl. Pretty eyes as KT called her.

They go to the other side of his large bed neither of them saying a word to me. Shawn tugs her towards him and she sits on Shawn's lap and leans against his chest, they look like they just took a shower. They're even wearing matching PJs

And I'm wondering why the fuvk she and Nikolai kissed if she's taken and she's with red head.

KT sits with me.

And we wait, and wait and wait.

Some of them leave to go get changed, even KT. Only Shawn and his girlfriend stays, she's asleep.

I keep watching Nikolai waiting and praying, waiting and praying.

Some of them come back. The Russian girl wakes up. Its like five in the morning.

Then they all hold hands and hold Nikolais' too, bowing their heads. I think they're praying.

I feel so inept and out of place here.

Someone softly tugs on my hand, it's The Russian girl well she also spoke spanish earlier, I take her hand because I'm all out of fighting. And something warms my cheeks from her kind gesture.

Then we pray, silent but with compassion, with love but mostly with hope and pain.

And it makes me cry seeing how much his family loves him so much. How devoted they are to him.

I've been in the hospital a few times and it's just Jerry there to hold my hands.

My family, I'm almost nonexistent to them and for once in a very long time it hurts.

God please, I know I don't pray, my faith in you is flawed but you know I'm always grateful please let him wake you please.

I feel the tears flood down my cheeks.

My eyes blinds for so long and goosebumps covers my my face, and my whole body. A through trembling beyond my explanation covers me.

"Foxie"