We're getting close to the end, well not so so close but whew! I've never finished a book and the fact that it's already all planned out makes me so happy!

everyday. Today shouldn't be any different. It's been a handful of weeks since my conversation with Nikolai.

It feels like years.

It's so cold today, the skies are a whole fifteen shades with countless devils not ready to debunk. And they match my very own demons.

Laying an anthem that organizes my lyrics of hurt and pain.

But its fine.

I'm fine.

I will be.

I enter into the conference room, guards and Jerry in tow. Elaine stands up to address me, pecking my cheek and saying a compliment I don't pay attention too.

I mutter a thank you in response.

I get my work done and do my best, and i give it to this contract despite everything that's going on with me, i put my problems aside and get shït done.

That's enough i just want it to be over. It's almost over anyway. There's barely two months left.

I feel those eyes on me like I always do. The weaken me like always but I always avoid looking into them because they'll make me crumble and i refuse to.

But i dare myself and look at him.

And I nearly trip on air and choke on spit, my body tenses up and i have this unbelievably urge to hurl out everything from my stomach.

There are vices in my chest, reaching out with multiple hands to end me. I feel tears in my eyes but I quickly blink them away.

I look away too and promise myself not to look at him again.

There's a girl with him, Nikolai has girl right next to him and he's talking and laughing with her.

Brown dark curls, grey white eyes, angelic face. She looks like a pretty perfect flawless bow wrapped in a box. A very beautiful box.

Stunning she's absolutely stunning.

A whole delineation of ethereal!

She has such a soft attraction that yet is so striking.

An opposite to me, my sharp looks, daring chin and dull, honey gold eyes. Who the fûck has white grey eyes! Who?

Shut up!

Is this what Lucy wants? A soft, stunning angel that will comply to his needs

Does she have full tîts like me, Nikolai loves tîts a lot. I would know.

He whispers something to her and she stands as if she knows I want to asses her.

Fücking bïtch!

Oh and look at that has full tîts that bounces when she walks, and fücking wide hip and a fücking fat ass! Hooray to that! She probably got work done!

I just know it.

She's only wearing a black long sleeve cashmere dress. Its simple, conservative and plain. How does she make it work and look anything but simple!

And she has deep curls I could dream off, with rapunzel hair. They're even longer than mine. More curly and more beautiful.

Well this lovely isn't it.

Nikolai stands to go meet her and i lean further so i can listen to them.

She nearly trips, on what? Seriously on what? There's literally no obstacles!

I know she did it on purpose. She even managed to make tripping look graceful!

Fücking bïtch.

Nikolai helps her, holding her to his chest and he pull away to steady her.

I feel my own heart turning into a horse and start galloping!

She's so full of horse shït!

"Easy люблю, I'm not getting my face marred because of you" He chuckle and she smiles and she has fücking dimples too, and she has such a model face, and she has the most stunning smile!

I hate her!

Love? He called her love in Russian while he calls me fücking butterfly! I can't fly I deserve to called love at least.

I hate herrr!

Wait what the fûck does Nikolai mean?

"Why don't they have unadulterated juices here, I don't know any of these wines" She whispers embarrassed, and her face flushes. She's so soft spoken, like some sort of fücking symphony bliss. I bet she can sing too.

Unlike me.

"I know, i had my assistant make you a smoothie and there's a dispenser for it, common atom"

"I told you I'm a baby giant Nik"

Every fücking person calls him Luce, but she calls him Nik. Great absolutely fücking great!

"Of course, it's baby something alright." He laughs steering her to the said dispenser.

I doubt he even knows my favorite drink. But he got a whole dispenser for her.

Who the fûck is she?? She looks familiar but I don't why!

Who is she to him!

"I don't want to fücking talk about that right now!"

"I'm sorry" She flinches a bit, and a part of me is worried. I suddenly feel bad for calling her a bitch and hating on her.

Why did she flinch like that?

I missed whatever conversation they were having because i was too busy thinking.

She's blushing.

"I'm sorry люблю, i keep forgetting not to curse around you"

"It's fine" She assures him, as he fills up a togo cup from the dispenser.

So she doesn't like to curse and she flinches when she's yelled at. I'm the exact opposite! I curse like a sailor and don't you dare yell at me!

They come back and I pretend to be on my phone. Nikolai sits as far away from me as possible.

He has been doing that for weeks now, making me know my place with him, what i am to him and whatever i had, or I thought i had with him was actually nothing.

He just does his thing and i do mine.

And it was so hard having to pick myself back up, to fight and fight for myself, for my stability, for my sanity, because he couldn't, no because he wouldn't.

Because I'm not worth it.

And it fine

Because I'm fine

Because I've fought for myself for so long it not even new. It just doesn't compare, it just hurts more than I could ever take, than I could ever think that I would feel.

"Aya?"

I lift my head, and it's a talant now to blink back my tears and make my expression blank.

"I was introducing you, to this week's stylish and clothing designer for the short movie ad. She's absolutely amazing, she has such a good frame in this. She's a friend of Luce......"

I start to zone out, then my blood boils when i see its the mystery girlfriend.

El, doesn't like people easily but she's talking about her like she's some goddess!

She walk up to me, schooling a smile but i can see how nervous and shy she is even though she hides it well with her soft dimple smile like fücking rainbows.

Witch! She's a witch.

I stand and take her hand. My five foot three self is a little taller than she is, even after i took off my 7 inch boot.

In your face bïtch I'm taller than you

Really? God you fuvking birdbrained cow dung! Shut up right now!

I can't help it, so just leave me alone.

Great her whole scent fills the room. She smells like babies, berries and fücking sunshine! Great just great.

Why the fûck does she smell like babies!

The meeting commences and she's fücking giggling and shït with him! What is so funny!

I've had conversations with Nikolai before, he's not that funny.

So what the hell is so funny!

She's so unprofessional what the fûck was El thinking hiring her! I don't like her, she's inefficient, unprofessional and jaunty, a fücking melodic comic.

Even her giggling is pretty!

She has to get fired what the fück!

It gets even worse when i ask her a question, and more questions, even unrelated questions to the subjects matters and she gets each one right. She's not even offended she's so sweet about it like I'm throwing her candies to catch not firing questions at her with bazugas

So she's a fücking nerd, she's stunning, she look like some shït that came out of Jesus womb, she's brilliant and She's Nikolais'

Dandy

She probably knows how many sperm count the whole population of men in the world has.

Fücking showoff

So I can't even get her fired.

Finally, we're done! This fücking torturous meeting is over. I'm sweating and fidgety. I've wanted to get the fuck out of there since i got out of the car.

But I refuse! I refuse to show him I'm affected.

I head out of there, my phone rings startling me.

When I check i see it's one of my cousin in med school, Serena. Why the fûck is she calling me?

Maybe because she's your family.

"Hi Reena"

"AYYYYYAAAAA!"

Oh my God you see why i hate her so much

You hate everyone

"Foxie"

I flinch, then tense up, my whole being wrecks mayhem.

I want to just walk away or run and pretend like I didn't hear him. Another part of me wants to scream so bad.

But the last part want to go into his arms and swim in his scent.

Finally i turn around, biting my lips and faltering my expression to be nothing but blank.

When I fully turn around I really consider strangling someone preferably this little girl that keeps following him around.

What do they want to do announce that they're together.

"I'll have to call you back Reena" I tell her before hanging up.

"Mr Udinov" I say straightforwardly, no nonsense, meaning business kind of way. Because I know how much he hates it.

"And you, I'm sorry i kinda forgot your name" I incline my head to the girl. My heels boot making me tower over her.

Nikolai shakes his head sighing.

"It's fine, I'm not here for that" She smiles sweetly flexing those fücking dimples. Her eyes are such white grey! She doesn't even respond to be rude, and she seem unoffended and unaffected by my rudeness.

Up close, her skin is flawless and unblemished without makeup. Few freckles dust her nose and the side of her eyes.

She pushes Nikolai towards me, then starts to make a run for it.

"I uh.... need to fix in the car seat??" She says more like a question then bolts. "по тебе не будут скучать"

"Ты, чертова сумасшедшая маленькая женщина" He responds shouting.

"And we don't need a fücking carseat atom!"

He yells after her.

She only waves her hand in the air as a response. "всасывать коровий навоз" She hollers

Great so she's Russian. Mixed Black Russian? Fûck I don't know! But she's literally perfect! A fücking perfect fit for him!

No wonder they're together.

I was going to take Russian classes because of him. Now it's just useless and a stupid thought to begin with.

Translation

("You will not be missed"

"You fücking crazy little minx"

"Go suck on cow dung")

"Fücking coniving woman! She told me....."

"What can i help you with Mr. Udinov?" I ask, curtly, irritated and uninterested in his rant.

"Stop fücking calling me that"

"What do you want??" I ask cool ignoring him.

He's in all black again. Why does he always smell so good!? He also has his hair in braids, a middle part. They fall past his chin to his shoulders, the ends curls.

Why the fuvk does he look so good too???

"I- well I don't know she made me come here"

Without saying a word, or responding I turn on my heels to leave.

We've gone weeks without an actual conversation. We can go more, or even years, maybe even forever. My heart squeezes at the thought.

"Wait Foxie"

He snags my elbow and drags against him, flushing me against his chest and winding me.

"What the fuvk let go of me! Don't ever fuvking manhandle me like that! Let.. go!"

"No! Fücking listen to me!"

"What the fûck do you have to say? Do you want to tell me about your little Russian perfect girlfriend! I really don't care! Fuvking let go!"

"The fuck! You think she's mine! She's taken and she's not Russian. You on the other hand need to leg of you fücking jealous you were fuvking rude to her!"

He decides to taunt and even though I know he only said that to get a rise out of me, i go with it and throw my fist into his face.

"Fücking christ! Do you take boxing classes! Foxie i swear to God.....!"

I slap his face hard altering his words. "Even if she's not your girlfriend it still doesn't change the fact, that you've tried your damnedest to me make me feel like shït" I feel those water works setting again, i hate them.

I watch his eyes warm "I thought you didn't care, you acted like you didn't for the past fücking weeks and treated me like a fücking co-worker. You don't see me Foxie, you don't even bother to look at me"

"Can you fuvking blame me Nikolai! Really can you? I'm tired of this! I wish this fuvking contract never happened because it hurts!"

He step closer and i feel my world and my shield crumbling.

"Don't step closer, I swear I'll.....!"

He's kissing me!

I trash against him, pounding on his chest to let me go! All my resolve going into flames.

He won't bulge!

He brands my body against his, fisting in my hair, then bitting my bottom lip to coax me and thrust his tongue in my mouth.

His demands are desperate, like he if doesn't have me, he would die! Like I'm sort of survival kit.

And it hurts because it feels so right yet he won't accept it.

My chest is thumping wildly as I succumb to his demands.

He grabs on my ass through my dress kneading the flesh as our moans emit.

After weeks and it still feel like this. That burning pleasure that sings in my veins, the starflames that encompasses all and leave no one spared, so that it drives and drives until there's nothing left.

The the want is unmatched, the need irrevocably!

It's so infinite!

That's how it feels.

"Foxie, fûck you don't know how hard i want to try for you. To give you want you want!" I feel hand move to my breast and grabs it roughly. He groans when he sees i have no bra on.

My face fills with goosebumps. Blood rushes to my face. And those butterflies blind me for minutes long.

"But I can't! I don't even know how"

Just like that, they're all gone. And tears fill my eyes

"Then let me go" I whisper, my voice so broken I could kill myself for reaching this point.

"Fuvk I can't do that either foxie! I can't"

"Sooner or later" I start, letting the tears drop and swallow. The waves consumes me whole and in that momment i wished I could die from it

"Someone else will give me exactly what i want, that you can't give. And I wouldn't have to beg it for it."

His face falls, his whole demeanor morphs into such a wreckage.

"So let me go right now"

He does but those waves, they don't let go.

I don't think think they ever will.