Out of my comfort zone but there's an update after this.

I updated FSD

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I can't do this!

I eye the phone like it's going to project monters and explode in slime.

I wipe at my stupid tears quickly grabbing at the phone to throw it anywhere.

"Foxie don't please"

I'm breathing like i need an inhaler, I suppose it's because no matter what I'll still lose my breath when it comes to him.

What the fûck is wrong with me? What have I turned to!!

"What do you want Nikolai really? What?" I hold the phone in a tight fist and, my hands shaking and I'm not sure what's worse. My body tremors or the tears about to spill.

"I want to talk okay, Foxie fûck it's been three weeks and you won't take my calls or let me see you. Please just let me talk to you. That's all I ask"

Stop, heart please i beg you stop right now and stop hurting and melting because of this big bad man sounding like a vulnerable little kid.

I fight so hard for composure and stability in that one moment. I never had to struggle for compusre.

Finally i tilt the phone to face me, propping it against a pillow and I nearly lose my breathe!

Oh my God!

A chunk of my composure slips out my windows, then drowns just like that. Just like fücking that!

I hate him!

I hate him for making me like this.

I grab my icecream to occupy my hands

"Okay, so talk" I say wearily, voice small but a little firm. My head keeps spinning and for once i want a drink.

Why is he shirtless? Why does he look so good while i look a mess.

He bolts towards his phone, he looks like he's in a office. It's almost four in the morning why is he half naked to begin with. And what's he doing in a office setting.

His face clears up in KT's phone screen and i just gawk at him. He doesn't say a word and just stares too.

My breath catches in my throat, I'm halfway thinking I'm choking and my heart just stops and skips a beat.

So we're just staring.

His a hair a mess of wild curls around his face, his lips so so red like he has been chewing on it, the ring in them glints. I find myself wanting to stroke his face through the screen but i hold myself back.

"So talk" I whisper clearing my throat, so we can just get this over with and....

"I miss you Foxie"

Oh God!

My hand falters from going through my hair. "Don't say shït like that to me Nikolai or i swear I'll toss this phone out my window till it explodes in a valcono"

"Well it's the truth Foxie, and I can't help it okay, so just..... fûck i miss you that's it" He run both his hand through his hair and i see one is bandaged.

"You don't have a right to tell me that! Don't say shït like that like you mean it. Nikolai I'm warning you. You've already messed me up enough!" I shake my head at him hating how my words are shaking and my head is starting to hurts so bad.

But it's not like my heart, it doesn't even come close

"I'm sorry" He says uselessly.

Pathetic, rubbish fücking useless peice of shït to say!

"I don't need that! Fûck you're going to make me run mad if we keep this up. And I'll have to send KT corpse to you so just fücking shut up please"

"I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OKAY! This is new to me! Fûck Foxie, I don't chase woman! I don't go crazy.... or think and think about them until theres pain, so fücking much fûck! I don't...."

"That's enough" I breathe the tears, finally falling, pathetic bïtch they so want me to crumble multiple times infront of him.

It's like a hard smoke has sucked me in, choking me so it's so hard to breathe and swallow. So it just hurts no matter what.

"Can you just let me say it Foxie, I don't know how you make me like this and..." He pauses when he sees my face.

"It's just going to keep hurting, you're just going to keep hurting me Nikolai"

"I'm sorrry, that's not my intention. Please Foxie, i just i want to try okay"

I look away, blinking the tears away wishing the hurt and pain will follow in co, but it doesn't. It's so sharp and it burns.

I bit my lips hard and wipe my face, nodding I don't even know what I'm acknowledging my pain or his words that I barely understand.

"What happened to your hand?" I say because it keeps poking in my mind.

"What?" He blinks multiple times like he was in trans. And I'm sure he didn't even hear what i said

"What happened to your hand Nikolai, it's bandaged" I repeat

"Oh" He lifts it up, and stares at it. I literally know he's hesitant on if he should tell me.

I watch his cheeks tint and he wets his lip, biting it before laughing nervously. "I'm not telling you that Foxie"

I knit both brows offended "Why not?"

"I just don't want you to know?"

"You're blushing Nikolai" I drone

"I do not blush! Don't fücking say shït like that!"

"Of course" I laugh because he sounds like an idiot with his cheeks even more tinted.

"You drive me nuts woman"

"Are you going to tell me now?" I try again

"No!"

"Blush blush blush blush, your cheeks look a little like my püssy. A whole blushing big man right infront of me, not to mention..."

"Fine, i lost something. I got fücking frustrated and so mad when I couldn't find it. So i guess i took it out on a few of my guards and a mirror"

"Whatt! Are you fücking crazy! Do you want to kill to yourself? Why the fûck would you do that? You could have really hurt yourself more than this!!!"

"You should be worried more about the guards!" He says dryly, then runs his hand through his hair.

"Do you personally like to hurt yourself to make people that care about you worry so much" I want to toss the phone into the air, and make him feel nauseous.

But of course that will only hurt the phone

Urghh this man!

"You care about me?" He says smirking

"Uhn i-" I stammer, my face flamming!

You idiot!

I look away then look back at him "Well of course i do, just because you're a selfish bïtch doesn't necessarily mean I don't"

"Foxie" He sighs "The can't keep going on, I can't continue this....like this with you knowing how much i want you"

"Stop, seriously stop!"

"Can we at least try to be friends" He runs his hand through his hair, and i see him make a fist as if trying to control himself.

"I will not be your friend with benefits!"

"That's not what i mean"

"Frankly I cannot be your friend at all. Not after... after how we've been together and all that has happened between us. It might be simple and nothing to you but it's not to me. And it's all or nothing with me and i sure as hell know what you're offering is nothing."

"Foxie" He breathe so softly I barely hear him. But i hear the pain, the hurt and it hurts me too.

"Don't cry, please i beg you"

I nod, wiping my pathetic tears. What was I expecting him to say, that he'll try having a relationship with me.

Idiot.

"I have to go now"

"No, fücking wait woman don't do this"

I don't respond i end the FaceTime. My stupid tears pouring like silent rain.

God i like him so much i wish I could kill myself for it.

It's always this assembly of pain and want. Addiction and rejection, a fücking maze of ador and hate!

I hate it, i hate him so much for turning me like this.

It always hurts with him.