《Finding Sunshine (Sope)》37
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"It's not your fault, Hyung. It's my fault." Hoseok said with such heavy emotion in his tone. Lying on his back and 'staring' up at the ceiling with his phone in his hand, he was having trouble finding the right words to say."I know how you feel. At least, I think I can understand a little, but..." He let out a heavy sigh."I don't love you."
A groan slipped out from Hoseok as he knew those were the wrong words."I don't know if I love you." Those words didn't seem right either."I've never been in love before, so I don't know how it feels. What I do know is that I really enjoyed being around you. I liked holding your hand and kissing you. I liked being in your arms." Tears pooled in Hoseok's eyes as he spoke, his voice wavering.
"Yoongi-hyung, I don't know what to do." Moving his free hand up, Hoseok rubbed his eyes to make the tears go away, but more just replaced them."Ugh, I can't do this. Nothing sounds right. It's too hard." He frowned deeply as he pressed the button on the side of his phone to turn off the screen. Then, he dropped his phone aside, not really sure of where it landed."Fuck my life."
"Hoseok!!" Namjoon could be heard calling."You home?!" The sound of the front door closing was soon heard as well.
"I'm in my room!!" Hoseok called back. He listened to Namjoon's footsteps as they grew closer. Hearing his bedroom door open, he sighed heavily."What's up?"
Namjoon stepped over to the bed and seated himself on the end of it."Well, I was thinking we could go to the park for a while."
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"The park? Why? That's lame." Hoseok rolled onto his side, turning toward Namjoon.
"Seok, you've been keeping yourself cooped up in here, and it's not good for you." Reaching out, Namjoon lightly placed a hand onto Hoseok's side, giving a small pat of comfort."I know you've been feeling down, and I know you really like relaxing at the park. So let's do that."
Hoseok let out a sigh, not really sure if he should go or not. He wasn't really in the mood to go anywhere. He wasn't particularly fond of leaving his bedroom at the moment."Joon, I really don't want to." He grabbed Namjoon's wrist and moved his friend's hand away from his side."Can't I be alone? I just want to, you know, sulk in my misery and permanent darkness."
"Don't you want to feel the sunshine?" Namjoon knew Hoseok was really unhappy, but he wanted to help."Don't you love the sunshine and its warmth?"
"It's not the same anymore." With a deep frown, Hoseok felt the desire for his bed to just suck him into the mattress and keep him there forever."You know, I think I found a new kind of sunshine, but I've lost it, and I'm in darkness now."
Namjoon didn't quite understand."A new sunshine? What do you mean?"
"Yoongi-hyung..." Hoseok knew he was being sappy, corny, cheesy, any other word someone might use to describe this. Still, this was how he truly felt."Yoongi-hyung was like a new sunshine for me..." He wasn't sure how to explain it to Namjoon, but he was trying."He gave me a light. It was a light that can't be seen, but it can be felt." His eyes burned with the threat of tears."I told you before, didn't I? I'm tired of being everyone's sunshine. I want someone to be my sunshine for once. But..."
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"But you pushed him away by breaking up with him." This was making more sense now."It scared you, didn't it? You wanted a sunshine of your own, and you found him, but you also felt pressured to be his sunshine as well. Am I right?" Namjoon watched Hoseok nod a little before continuing."You're not used to letting someone else be the sunshine, and you're afraid of relying on him too much. You thought that would cause him to get sick of you, like you would just be a burden."
Hoseok hated the way he felt right now. The burning in his eyes worsened as he also got an aching feeling in his chest. He felt like crying, and he wished it would stop. He was tired of feeling miserable, but at the same time, he felt like he deserved it."How do you understand these feelings so well, Joon?"
A tender smile spread itself across Namjoon's lips."I understand because I've had the same feelings before. When I was with Yongguk, I was afraid to let myself rely on him too much because I thought that would push him away. But he made me happy. I wanted to wrap myself in the warmth and happiness he provided while we were together, but it also scared me to think that I was fully putting myself in someone else's care. It takes a lot of trust to do that."
"I really did trust Yoongi-hyung a lot..." Hoseok pursed his lips together as he thought about his feelings. They were so confusing for him, so he was rather relieved that Namjoon understood this well."But why am I feeling this way? I don't understand my own feelings. I want to go back to him, but I also want to run far away. It makes no sense. Why can't feelings be easier?"
Namjoon chuckled lightly. He understood more than Hoseok knew."You want to know what these feelings mean, right?" Seeing Hoseok nod and hearing the small hum that accompanied it, he gave his best friend's hip a light pat."I'll tell you what they mean if you agree to go to the park with me."
Hearing that, Hoseok got silent for a moment. Should he stay home and try to figure this out on his own? Or should he agree and be told? He really didn't want to go anywhere, but he was also desperate to know what his feelings meant."Okay, Joon, you win. I'll go." He heard Namjoon hum softly, just imagining the know-it-all smirk that must be on his face. He wasn't prepared for the answer he received though.
"You're in love."
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