| Six | Pretending

Is it asking too much if I want to put my energy towards something of value? Is it selfish? Or am I being greedy for wanting something I can't have?

And if the answer is yes, then what's the point in us pretending?

In all forms of equivalent exchange, my time and his heart were what we were supposed to trade. Either my pride won't let me see it, or my heart is just too big to accept the possibility of my feelings not being returned in the same favor.

I know my thoughts about him remain the same: constantly in doubt of not receiving the same love I'm sending out, never knowing if the time was right to ask, or maybe I should wait for time to catch me and tell. How could he not see that all I wanted him to do was kiss me?

I hated this Power he had over me while his body hovered over my own. He looked down upon me like he had something to say.

"You can get off me now Joel." I figured I should say sooner rather than later to save the awkward tension that loomed between the space that separated us.

"Why should I?" He cocks a smile, always so sure of himself. Making me realize that a lot of things attracted me to him, but his confidence and sometimes arrogance more than likely played the biggest of roles.

"Because I feel like you're starting to like it." I spoke after trying to think of something that would at least give me a better idea of where his head was at. If we're gonna kiss then negro kiss me, like what the fuck are we doing right now? Is he even serious?

But then he stared down at me intensely. Reminding me of every moment similar to this before.

"Maybe I do." He says. I rolled my eyes in my head as he's still being all cryptic and shit.

"So what's stopping you?" I inquire sarcastically before he tried to change the subject. Wanting to be proven wrong for once.

He smirked mischievously, "You wanna do a shotgun?" He tempted me with marijuana of all things. I try to shrug my shoulders, only able to move them slightly as I was on my back.

He lifts himself up off of me and bites his lip in a smirk. Looking around aimlessly like the goof ball that he is, before moving my knees outward with his own and returning to hovering over me. This time our body's connecting with no room in between.

"Why are you acting like you don't know what you're doing?" I asked. His movements looked slightly nervous.

"I don't know." He presses himself against me once again in a rubbing motion.

I felt a large lump begin to form within my throat out of anxiety. An unsatisfying feeling to say the least. Though he were saying those words to me, and though I feel the warmth emitting from his back in the palm of my hand, he was saying no, but his very actions were saying the complete opposite at this point.

We exchanged no more words. Instead, the gap between us came to a close. He blew the smoke that he accumulated on his own into my mouth gently. I allowed the smoke to bounce off of my face and into my lungs. I gripped the sheets with my hands trying to resist the urge to kiss him while he was right there, but I couldn't any longer.

I pressed my own lips against his. I felt that if I hadn't been the one to give in, I'd still be waiting on that moment. I had closed my eyes in the moment of me doing it and opened them once realizing that his lips were still. I looked for his eyes and kissed him again, this time more relaxed and less forced in a peck yet, his eyes only seemed to watch my lips interact with his own.

I halted, not wanting to disrespect his personal space any longer. If I had barked up the wrong tree, I would apologize.

"Why'd you stop?" He said lowly, almost moaning as I prepared to move my face away from his.

His gaze met mine before he closed his eyes and kissed me. Effortlessly, I fell back and let him take control. All the attention I ever wanted was right here. I craved this touch, this warmth for so long, he could've done anything he wanted to and I would've gave in.

He grabbed my hands slowly while our kisses started to become more cohesive and comfortable with each other. I placed my hands on his back caressing him. He grabbed my left hand, interlocking it with his right before taking it and putting it under his shirt and sliding down his chest.

I admit to liking where this was going, wouldn't anyone? but I was curious as if we were moving a lot faster than I could have predicted. I don't know if I had some form of a timeline mapped out in my head of how we would end up in this position, it was fast nonetheless.

He took my hand even lower. Allowing me to grip the billow of his waistband while nibbling at my lip. The sexual frustration built in my body wanted to rip his clothes off, but I guess being the kind person I like to make myself out to be, I had the urge to ask before I proceeded any further. "You wanna see it?" He lowly grinned with a bite of his own lips, raising his shirt up and hooking it between his chin and neck.

Hooking the waistband of both his underwear and shorts, I took in a peak as he watched me. Impressed by his girth, I could still tell he was a grower more than likely.

He rose from off of me, catching me off guard, "You funny bruh." He chuckled, with a grin on his face.

"Funny how ?"

"Eh," He shrugged, readjusting his clothes, "Don't worry about it."

Still, after all that happened just now, that's all he could bring himself to say to me? Typical Joel. As nonchalant and oblivious as only he could be. The lights are on in the house but no one is in there. Even if you throw something at his face, I doubt he'd be able to feel it.

I chuckled to myself in disbelief almost, as I watched him head back over to the dresser to finish the blunt that he rolled, "You really don't get it do you?" I sat up shaking my head.

I felt like a joke. And stupid for having hope that someone like him could like someone like me. As if my feelings meant nothing to him. How could this moment that was supposed to be special, only be 'funny' to him?

He looked over to me, "What's there to get? We was playing around."

'You call that playing around?' I voiced in my head while giving him the most confused look I could possibly make.

"Joel, I know that's not weed I smell in my house!" A feminine voice who I'll assume to be his Mom voiced from a distance out in the hallway. I watched him take another puff as he rolled his eyes. Meanwhile, I would be gathering my belongings.

"Fuck I forgot she was here." In a grumble, he spoke and sat next to me s I began to tie my shoes up.

"Where you going? I thought you were staying the night?" He went to pass me the blunt but I ignored it.

"Home." I finished. "I told you to take that shit outside if you were going to do it." The same voice spoke again before Joel could give me a response. I got up, knowing I was acting very dramatic but I was mad so I didn't care.

"I'll see you." I waved away.

-

"So basically, you feel like he was pretending? The whole time? After all of that?"

"To be honest, I don't know." I ended up going back to Shae's house rather than my own. I don't know if talking about this with my mom was the best option considering I haven't came out to her yet. She's the only person who I actually care to even have that conversation with, I haven't seen my father in years so I could careless what that man had to say.

Shae sat back against her headboard in thought, taking in all the information that I gave her while I rested my chin in my palm.

"So does he not think kissing a boy isn't... you know, gay?" She chuckled to herself, "'Cause I mean, I'm still shocked about that more than anything."

"Who knows what goes through that boy's head. I thought maybe I was doing too much, or overthinking but the walk over here, just made me realize that just couldn't be it. It makes no sense."

"You picked one weird ass person to be going through all of this with. The whole situation just boggles my mind." She motioned her mind exploding with her hands. As confusing as it was for her, it was just as much for me.

My phone lit up in my hand with a vibration. I expected it to be Joel but it was once again, Von.

Von: Wyd?

"Is that him?" Shae caught my attention, making me look up from my phone. "Nah, it was Von."

"So what did he want?" She began to pick up her phone.

"Nothing as usual." I held my phone in my hand contemplating if I wanted to reply.

"You better not!"