Four | Knowing

Christian

Knowing. People often forget the power in that word. The strength of knowledge and acknowledgement and the relentless, beautiful sense of madness it contains. What does it mean to know when you're in love? How do you know when they like you- let alone love you, back?

Questions like that sometimes are both easy and hard to answer. Kind of like the question, "Why do I even like this person?" And you can't answer it because you're not entirely sure on the answer yourself. Failing to accomplish the task and goals you set out for yourself throughout the week. Not focused in class or your job because he continues to endlessly run full speed through your mind as if he's in a relay race with your priorities. Scrolling through the internet going on 12am at night, trying to figure out ways to dream about someone again. Because you know it is only in your dreams that you can find that spark that you want. That's the fun of it.

The knowing and the unknown. Both mysteries of man. Just like him. With a little exaggeration and convincing, I could say that I didn't know the person that I grew up with. In that sense he was a mystery. Why did he make me feel like I needed him? Now!? Of all the time we've spent together, why now? What was it about him, that I had to keep convincing myself to hold back from giving in to him?

Why did he laugh at his friends jokes but look all the way across the room to show me that same smile the way that he did?

I was sitting at a lunch table with Shae. Not ignoring her but not really paying her conversation any mind either. I played in the slop the state of Kentucky called food. It actually wasn't slop, it looked as if it were to be cooked in the kitchen of the lunch ladies but it definitely tasted as if it were processed in cans.

"What're you over there thinking about?" Shae had finally noticed that I wasn't listening to her.

"Nothing." I lied. She had seen where my eyes kept finding themselves across the room. I looked down at my food and heard her huff when she put two and two together.

"Maybe we should find you someone we already know is gay." I shot her a death stare from looking down at my plate, "What about Derrick?" I blankly stared at her because I thought she was trying to make a joke.

"Bitch are you trying to be funny?"

She laughed thinking I was joking, when she shouldn't have because I was being very serious. "What's wrong with Derrick?"

"Do you see him?" We both glanced over to where he was sitting. He had his extra long eye lashes on with his purse and diamond crusted pink nails on. I don't have a problem with Derrick at all or anyone who wants to do that. It wouldn't be progressive for the gay community to be un-accepting of my own kind. But I'm a bottom who already has feminine tendencies. I don't need someone who is more concerned about being prettier than me.

"I'm just trying to help your ungrateful ass out."

"Well thanks Small head, bald head but I'm fine."

"Fuck You."

I looked over to Joel again, this time catching him staring at me smirking. I did't know what that meant or what he was thinking. He got up from his table of friends and walked across the cafeteria to where Shae and I sat.

"Wassup J," Shae smiled as he wrapped her in a hug from behind while she sat down, "what you about to do?"

"Nothing," he said looking to me, "I just came to say wassup."

Shae eyed me, I guess wanting me to acknowledge him in some way. "Well shit, you could've fooled me the way you only gave one person a hug." I returned a look.

He smiled and laughed, "Damn here I come crybaby-"

"Nope, I don't want one." I braced my body to move away if he tried to give me one. I almost got up before Joel rushed me into a hug and forced me back down.

"Nigga let me give you a hug!" He swayed me back and forth in my seat.

"Nah, Don't act like you love me now, get off me."

He released me and gave some sort of look to Shae, sucking his teeth, "You hear this crybaby?" Shae couldn't hold in her chuckling and side eyes as she watched Joel and I. He wrapped me up again, finally able to get a good hold on me.

He held me longer than I expected him to and less than I wanted him to. His scent was that of money and cologne. "Aye, you wanna come over after school and stay the night with me?" He let me go for the last time and tapped me to get my attention.

"Why?"

He rolled his eyes, "Yes or no?"

"I guess I can." I shrugged.

He nodded once he got my answer and walked away, "I'll text you."

I nodded silently in agreement, returning my position to look back to Shae. She couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing," she grinned to herself, "Y'all both just cute."

"Thats it? You don't have nothing else to say?"

"Damn bitch can I just give a compliment." Knowing Shae, it was probably more instigating than genuine compliment.

I rolled my eyes annoyed, "No, because you always got some shit to say."

"Well, stop giving me shit to talk about." I paused at her comment giving her a scowl. She irked me in only ways that she could.

"You be asking for it bitch."

"Love you too."

-.'

"Wassup" A messaged appeared brightly on my phone screen with "Von" stretched across the caller i.d as I rode the school bus to Shae's house. I rolled my eyes looking at the message. He didn't want anything but to aggravate me and probably force himself on to me like he always did.

Me and Von had been through a lot through the three years that I've known him. Our history almost too complicated to talk about. To put it short, he's a lot of the reason why I haven't had a boyfriend in forever.

Mentally, we were on different levels and a little boy is not what I'm looking for my senior year of high school.

I decided to ignore it, keeping hope that maybe today would be that triumphant moment for Joel and I.

"I know you seen that." Shae interrupted me in my thoughts. Always got her fat ass nose in my business.

"Seen what?" I raised an eyebrow sarcastically.

She looked away from me shaking her head, "I won't say nothing."

"There's nothing to say, especially when it comes to Charvon."

"I'm just saying I'd rather see you with some one who is already out. I think that when it comes to Joel, you need to slow down and quit feeding yourself an expectation that may or may not be met. Yeah, he be showing signs but that doesn't mean anything. Some boys can just be comfortable in their skin."

I shrugged her negativity away. I didn't want them to make me feel bad about having the urge to pursue someone that I know I have a bond with. Me and Joel's chemistry together is too potent to ignore. It's so obvious that it's there, I'd be dumb not to notice.

I pull out my phone again, almost forgetting to text Momma where she could find me if I didn't remember to call. My phone vibrated while I typed up the message, showing another from Joel.

Joel : Let me know when you get over Shae's or on your way here

-

: "I'm outside." I text before walking up the little flights of steps it took to get to the porch.

Knocking on the door a few times, I stood in wait for him to open the door. My stomach filled and turned in anxiety of what was to happen when I step through these doors. What were we going to do for a whole night?

I would be walking in his house for possibly the third or fourth time ever. I'm never able to get used to being here, only because it's very rare that I come over to Joel's House. I tried remembering the last time I was over here, hoping to be able to recognize some things that stood out like maybe the smell, or a picture of Joel's family somewhere hanging up but nothing. Out of the three or four times I've been here, I've never stayed longer ten minutes. If not that, less than enough time to analyze anything in there for what it is.

The door opens to Joel's older brother, who had just got out of jail and put on house arrest. I just barely recognized him from the few pictures and stories Joel had shown me of him. He no longer had a baby face, his facial hair had grown to cover that. He was cuter now.

"Sup," I lifted my chin in acknowledgement. Trying to tone down my gayness, if only for a moment, so that Joel wouldn't have to answer a million questions by the time I had left.

"Sup lil' bruh." He nodded back, opening the screen door slightly to peak his head outside.

"Joel here?"

He looked at me intently before answering, getting a good look at my face, "Yeah he in here. Come on." He motioned his head inside the house while widening the screen door for me to walk in. I tried not to look at the large device sitting on his ankle, while it did make me remember why he couldn't step all the way outside the house.

I looked around, hoping to see him sitting down, waiting on me somewhere. Anywhere in the living room to greet me. I only found a unfinished plate of food and a glass of lemonade sitting on the table. I silently huffed, standing in place in wait of him to come down stairs.

"So what you Joel's friend or something?" His brother said, sitting back down on the couch returning to his food and ESPN.

"Yeah."

"Ah, well he in his room if you wanna go up there. Its the room on the left past the bathroom." I followed his directions as he told me. Passing the what I assumed to be the bathroom since I heard the shower running and reaching the door on the left.

His room looked freshly cleaned, as if he had just got done doing it before I came over.

I took a seat on the freshly made bed, noticing the baby pictures that sat on his dresser. His chubby cheeks putting a smile on my face.

I pulled out my phone again and checked the time, hoping I'd have a notification somewhere. I cleared all of them about twenty minutes ago but nothing yet. "He just had to take a shower." i mumbled, pressing the power button on my phone and scratching my head. Only a few moments passing before hearing the rushing water in the shower going off.

Those knots and butterflies from earlier were still there. Making me more and more anxious to see him. I heard the bathroom door open. Excitement began pumping through my thoughts as I finally got to see his face. He walked in dripping wet, hair soaked from not being dried all the way, a towel wrapped around his waist with his dirty clothes in hand and his face buried in his phone before he looked up to see me.

"Wassup," He smiled once he lay his eyes on me. I couldn't simply do the same for him. His body was amazing. "Damn, you like what you see? can I have my soul back?" He chuckled.

"My bad." I shook my head nervously.

He walked near his dresser and clothes hamper, placing the dirty ones where they belong and getting new ones out the dresser while still holding his towel in place. I tried not to look so hard again, keeping my eyes glued everywhere except on him. "I didn't get to read your text til' I got out the bathroom," he said , his voice echoing in the corner behind me with the sound of clothes being pressed against skin.

"Don't worry about it."

"Ricky let you in?"

"That's your brothers name?"

"Yeah.." His voice sounded muffled by that of a t-shirt.

"I was trying to figure out if you had told me or not. I couldn't recognize him at first."

"Yep, I forgot to tell you his big nose ass was home." He groaned, "Okay, you can look at me again." he laughed, walking over to me. I remained quiet. Not because I wanted to but just because I wanted the right words to come out of my mouth.

He stood next to me and sucked his teeth, "Why you so quiet for? Get up. Gimmie' a hug or something." I looked at him, not being able to control a straight face of course and got up as he said, wrapping my arms around his neck while he wrapped his around my waist. "Trying to play me like I'm some average nigga and you don't know me, jerk."

I chuckled in his arms. Taking in the scent of his soap that remained fresh on his body.

"Shut up."