《a silent cause》eleven
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Jennie wasn't sure what to think when she woke up, a pounding in her head and a light so bright in her face that she could barely see anything at all as she stumbled blindly over to close the blinds that it was peeking through, only to accidentally touch something, making her yelp and jump back in surprise. She looked down, her heart dipping when she saw what it was she touched, or who she touched.
She wasn't sure what to think at all as she stared down at you, sleeping so peacefully on the floor. Her headache seemed to wipe away for a second, your serenity seeming to be almost contagious. Conscious enough to remember why you were sleeping next to her bed, she felt her heart rate speed up. You two had gotten drunk together the night before. She didn't want to admit how happy it made her feel when you had poured your heart out to her, promised her that you were going to fight for her. And as she forced herself to carefully step over you, making sure not to wake you, she didn't want to admit the thoughts that gnawed at her; that you didn't mean it.
It stuck with her, no matter how much she tried to push it to the back of her brain. Accompanied with the hangover, and the terrible sense of dread that she had for the upcoming event she had today, she wasn't feeling well at all. Everything felt out of balance, which is probably why as soon as she reached for a glass in the cupboard, it had felt too slippery for her hands and fell immediately, crashing all over the floor. Jennie's eyes widened for a small moment, before she just simply stared at the glass. Even something like picking it up felt far too tiresome to do. She was so tired, always. She didn't need a drink of water, she decided, she'd pick the glass up later.
But that wasn't an option, because you'd come rushing out of her room in an instant. Her eyes moved to look at you. You, in a frenzy, telling her to get back as if she was in extreme danger. Jennie immediately groaned at the volume of your voice, so frantic and loud as she obliged your directions and moved back. She knew for a fact you had gotten drunk with her, yet there you were, perfectly fine in front of her.
"You're so loud," Jennie complained, a hand coming up to rest on her forehead, "aren't you hungover?"
"I don't really get hungover." You responded, and Jennie immediately felt envy towards you. She wished for that serenity to become contagious again, but nothing happened as she watched you look around her kitchen, searching for something before you turned to her once more. "Do you have a broom?"
Jennie nodded, reaching in the small space between the refrigerator and the kitchen counter and grabbing what you needed. She handed the broom over to you, stretching her body so that she wouldn't get too close to the glass and risk you raising your voice even one decibel higher than it was. "I'm hungover," she said in a meek voice.
You chuckled lightly, "I can tell."
The remark earned a glare from the cat-eyed girl, which you ignored as you began sweeping some of the glass piece by piece into the dustpan. The glare dissipated though as Jennie watched you, a lump forming in her throat when she realized what was even happening.
She had no idea what to do. She hadn't thought she'd see you ever again after she yelled at you to leave, and after you actually did. It felt like there was something she needed to say to you, so much to be sorry for, yet she didn't know what it was. Jennie had always heard about how well you knew her, but she knew you well too, well enough to know that you were feeling the exact same way. She noticed how your eyes were forcefully glued to the broken glass in front of you, not daring to look up at her, and how you were cleaning it up much slower than it needed to be, trying to savor every second as you figured out what to do— what to say.
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When you finally got all of the glass and threw it in the bin, you turned back to her, a nervous laugh coming out of you when you saw how seriously she was staring at you. Before you could get out any joke to ease the tension, Jennie had cleared her throat.
"We have to do a promotion today," she said, and you nodded, "one last with the group before it's my turn."
You inhaled a deep breath, "Right, you're gonna have to do them alone." Jennie nodded, trying her best to mask her nervousness with nonchalance and acceptance, though she knew it was anything but. She was almost completely sure you saw right through her with the way you stared at her with that look you always used to give her. So much pity that she could roll around in it, and she wanted to sometimes. She wanted to then, to bask in your comfort and empathy. You always had so much for her, while everyone else seemed to run out so quickly. But she couldn't. There was that gnawing feeling, after all, and she wasn't going to make a fool of herself.
Yet even without reveling in your comfort, and even with the heavy tension in the air, and the nervousness that still swam steadily through Jennie's bones head to toe; she hadn't felt any peace since you'd left, and finally, you were back.
So, "Are you coming?" was natural to be asked. You paused for a second at the question, unsure.
"Do you want me to?"
Jennie didn't expect the question, but it didn't mean the answer didn't come to her immediately. Yes, always.
Instead, though, Jennie shrugged, not letting her desperation be seen. "Do what you want," she said quietly, walking past you towards her room, "just don't get caught."
Jennie thought you might take it personally as she entered her room, slightly closing the door and rummaging through her closet. Was that the wrong thing to say? Don't get caught? You were only in that predicament because of her, she knew that. It made her frown as she pulled off her shirt. How could you make her feel so nice and so overwhelmed with guilt at the same time? She got déjà vu from the question, remembering how she would always ask herself why she wanted to push you away and pull you so close when you were working for her. And speaking of you, as she just barely managed to slip a long sleeve shirt on, she heard your breath hitch from the doorway. She immediately whipped her head around to see you, flustered and panicked that you were caught standing there.
"What are you doing?" Jennie asked, her eyes narrowed at you suspiciously..
"I swear I just came!" You defended, then shook your head quickly to correct yourself, "J-just came in. Not came like that."
Now it was Jennie's turn to be flustered, a blush rising to her cheeks as you uttered the words. She looked away from you and adjusted her shirt, muttering, "I wasn't thinking about it like that."
You cleared your throat awkwardly, "I just... wanted to confirm."
Jennie sucked in her lips, suddenly feeling the urge to laugh rise in her throat, doing her best to stifle it before turning her whole body towards you. You looked slightly amused at her reaction, the corner of your lips slightly quirked up into a small smile. "Did you need something?"
"Oh, yeah, um..." you started, the amusement being replaced with a sudden timidness. Jennie watched as the gears seemed to visibly turn in your head, opening and closing your mouth while you figured out how to word what you wanted to say. Jennie almost strained her neck at the sight, not wanting to smile. "Would it be weird if... I borrowed some of your clothes? I don't have any because, y'know, I didn't know I was gonna be here overnight."
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Jennie raised her eyebrows at the request. She'd never imagined you being in her clothes, but now that the scenario was playing out, she disliked the feeling that grew in her gut at the thought of it. She found she hated it, all the feelings you tugged from her heart, from her gut, from her ribs, from everywhere. But all that was pushed back as she saw the regret on your face, insecure about asking from her lack of response.
"Oh," Jennie breathed out, acting as if she had just found her answer, "sure."
You let out a breath of relief, chuckling to yourself, which earned a curious look from Jennie. You'd smiled at her, as if to tell her to ignore you, and she went back to rummaging through her clothes. If it were any person, Jennie would've taken the first thing she'd seen, or maybe the first thing she'd been meaning to throw away, but she found herself eyeing every single piece, looking for things you would like. Finally, she picked out shorts and a tee, something far too unprofessional for the event you both were going to, but she knew you'd appreciate it as she handed it to you.
"Here," she said as you took it from her hands, a fond smile on your face, "I know you like to be comfortable."
"Thank you." You said, and she noticed how your peace had reached over to her again, the headache completely gone as you smiled at her. You walked into the bathroom to change, and Jennie took the moment to sit down, still slightly in disbelief that you were in her apartment, in her bathroom, changing into her clothes. The apology that she wanted to sputter out was always on the tip of her tongue, and it sat there still as she waited for you. It frustrated her. She had other things to think about. And what was Rosé thinking bringing you to her?
Deep down, though Jennie didn't want to say it, she knew that Rosé was right. She knew that no matter how many times she denied wanting to see you again, that everybody knew she was only prolonging the inevitable. She wasn't doing well, physically nor mentally. Jennie would often complain about the cold, even when nobody else was, even when the sun was out and the temperature was high; Jennie felt so cold. When Lisa would chuckle at her, teasing her about being somewhere else entirely, Jennie would have to force one out. Lisa loved her, she knew. She couldn't have known that it was true, that Jennie indeed felt like she was somewhere else entirely, all the time.
How was it that something that Jennie had dreamed of all her life become so painful it was like torture? Jennie loved performing, singing, dancing, meeting fans; all of it. But it demanded so much of her, and nothing ever seemed enough. The only time she didn't seem to gasp for air was when she was inhaling puffs of smoke to steady it. Other than that, she felt as if she were drowning in cold water. When you left, there was nothing she could hold on to, nothing to steady her breathing anymore, and to make it worse, it had seemed as if everyone wanted her to panic and drown. Even some of the fans, who had known nothing of what she did to you, they hadn't supported her either. Maybe it's why she always felt so cold all the time. She was drowning.
She heard the door open, and she looked over to see you in her clothes, standing shyly like you were insecure of what she thought. Objectively, there wasn't much to be thought. It was just a simple white tee with loose shorts— not exactly a fashion piece or anything that accentuated any part of you, but Jennie still liked the sight.
"How do I look?" You'd asked, though slightly scared of the answer, she could tell.
"Comfortable." Jennie teased, standing up and smiling at your slightly offended expression. "We should get going. It starts in a bit, and you need to figure out where to be so that you... y'know, don't get caught."
Jennie's voice had lowered significantly at the end of her sentence, passing you by before you even had the chance to respond. You followed behind her quickly, scrambling to put your shoes on even if she wasn't particularly in a rush. Jennie bit her lip as she saw you standing next to her patiently as she put on her own shoes. She remembered how much distance she'd always placed between herself and the staff, between her and you, but now she found herself fond of how close you stood. You almost looked like her personal assistant, just for her, and when she handed you the keys to lock her apartment door, she ignored the way you looked like something else, too.
Once you two had gotten outside, Jennie reached for her phone to call the van that was meant to pick her up, but your hand had come into her view before she could press anything. Jennie looked at you curiously, and you cleared your throat nervously before you spoke.
"I was just thinking, why don't we get something to eat first?" You asked, a small, awkward grin on your face.
Jennie bit her lip, hesitating for a second before shaking her head. "I'm not that hungry, and we'll be late."
"They're not gonna start without you," you protested.
Jennie let out a huff. She knew why you were doing this. It was clear that she'd lost lots of weight since she'd last seen you. She'd simply just lost her appetite, and she didn't need you to try and force it back into her. "No."
"Please?" You asked, voice a little more desperate. "I'm hungry. Besides, we have to buy a hat or something. I can't be caught, right? How will the driver not know me?"
Jennie took a deep sigh, her eyes rolling in slight annoyance. Except it wasn't at you, it was at herself, because she found herself agreeing and nodding. You were right, she tried to tell herself. You needing some sort of cover up was the only reason she was going. But as well as she could lie to everyone else, there was no lying to herself. She knew the driver couldn't care less, plus the idea of just being with you again was what she'd wanted for a while.
And so Jennie made sure to send a quick message to the driver that she'd text when you both were ready before following you as you walked around mindlessly throughout the area. It hadn't taken long for you to find a stall on the side of the street selling food. In fact you'd approached the first one, and the way you ordered the smallest thing on the menu had made Jennie chuckle. Whether it was an attempt to get her to eat or not, Jennie knew you really were hungry, and she hadn't hesitated to order you a bigger size of food, which of course you didn't complain about.
It was too big though, you found, as he handed it over to you. Jennie figured you probably could eat all that, but not without having a major stomach ache the whole time.
"Well," you said with a sheepish smile, "I guess we have to share, huh?"
Jennie glared at the amused look on your face, but she didn't say anything to it, instead just simply sitting down with you at an outdoor table nearby. Jennie hadn't really seen what you ordered until that moment, her stomach grumbling at the sight of the nachos in front of her. She blushed immediately, embarrassed at what had just happened, but you only pushed the tray closer to her.
"Shouldn't you take the first bite?" Jennie muttered, her face half covered by her hand in a horrible attempt to hide herself.
"You're clearly hungry." You chuckled, though the nervousness seemed to return to you again. "You don't have to if you don't want to, but I just think you should."
And even if Jennie wanted to protest the idea again, her stomach growled once more. With an almost shocking speed, she reached for a nacho and bit into it, hoping the crunch would cover the sound. She hung her head down slightly as you chuckled, a small laugh slipping from her lips too as you bit into one soon after. And once she had one, she couldn't stop, her hand greedily reaching for more.
She hadn't even realized that you two hadn't said a word to each other until there were only a few chips left. But neither did you, too caught up in eating just like her. The fullness seemed to render both of you motionless as you two sat back to breathe.
"I need to come here more often." You chuckled, and Jennie lifted an eyebrow. "Those were the best nachos I've ever had."
Jennie let out a chuckle at that, nodding slowly. "They were good."
Her eyes followed you as you stood up and threw the trash away, her whole body dreading the moment where she would also have to stand up in a few seconds. When you turned back to her with a deep sigh, you smiled calmly at her, asking "Where to next?"
And Jennie knew exactly where, though she kept it a secret from you, a smirk in lieu of an actual verbal response as she began to lead you somewhere. You followed behind without a word, and it almost made her smile how compliant you were, as if you were still working for her. But any thought of work left her mind as she stepped into the familiar bright store, the walls painted with rainbows and all the decorations pastel pink. Her heart jumped as she even saw the same Hello Kitty clock on the wall as it always was.
"Annyeong!"
"Ah, annyeong!" Jennie smiled, bowing slightly towards the girl at the register.
"Let me know if you need anything!"
"We will." Jennie nodded before turning to you, your face in awe as you looked around the store. In Jennie's brighter clothes, you didn't look so out of place, but she knew you felt it; you, always dressed in darker colors and liking when the sky had become a calmer blue, now standing in the most vibrant place you've probably ever been in. "You like it?"
You raised your eyebrows, "I mean... it's- it's not the typical clothing store I thought we might be going to." Jennie laughed softly, earning a fond smile from you. "You come here often?"
"No," Jennie shook her head, "not in years."
"Years?" You asked, following as she began to step around the place, her fingers reaching out to trace the stands in the middle.
"I used to come here as a child." Jennie explained. You made an 'ah' sound in understanding. "It looks almost the exact same."
"That must be nice." You hummed, and Jennie thought she might've heard a little bit of sadness in your voice. It'd be a question for another time though, as you started to walk over to the section of accessories on the opposite side of the room.
Surprise was all over your face as you scanned the pieces, and Jennie smiled at your expression. All of it was either pink or clearly for a five year old, but it was exactly why she had brought you here, and you knew it too.
"Jennie..." you started, but she cut you off quickly.
"Nuh-uh! You don't get to protest." Jennie countered, an amused smile at the way you looked at her incredulously.
She then ignored your glare, instead ogling at the childish disguises that made her heart flip in excitement. She'd passed by this store, driven by it, countless times. Yet she'd never found the heart to go back in. Not enough anyway. She couldn't put her tongue on why it was, but the minute you had asked her where you were going, she'd suddenly gained the same enthusiasm for it.
Suddenly, Jennie gasped, making you jump slightly. And when she turned to you with a smirk on her face, and a bright pink octopus hat in her hands, you'd immediately started shaking your head, protests spilling from your lips as she approached you and attempted to place it on your head.
"Jennie, wait- wait!" You squealed, your hands coming up to block her persisting ones. Jennie couldn't help but laugh at your determination, only for you to give up seconds later, breath heaving from the small altercation. Your cheeks flushed pink as she finally rested it on you. "It's only because I'm out of shape."
Jennie hummed, "Okay. Now properly put it on."
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