《Fire on Fire》15. Say it out loud
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"Awww, hey, Honeybunch, I wasn't expecting you." Nancy welcomed him with a wide grin. "Come on in, I was just cleaning up ..."
"What happened?" Alexander asked when, entering, he saw the mess her living room was in. It was as if there'd been a fight of some sort. Had she and Emma come to blows? Nah, neither of them had bruises.
"Oh, you know ..." Nancy laughed, throwing some plastic plates and glasses in a trash bag, "the girls can get a little ... messy when they've had too much wine."
"So this was you girls just ... I don't know, dancing or something?"
"More or less, yeah." She offered him one of her pearly white smiles that Alexander always considered a sign that she was getting ready to devour her prey. "Why, what did you think happened?"
He pursed his lips, considering his chances. There was no use in beating around the bush, was there? "I don't know, maybe you decided you're not okay with our arrangement anymore, so you took it out on Emma."
Nancy put down the trash bag, barely hiding a snide smirk. "Oh, so we're choosing truth today, huh?"
"Don't act like you don't know. It was your idea, wasn't it?"
She clenched her jaw. "You were drooling like a dog in front of a juicy steak. It was pathetic. I said eat the cookie, once or twice. I didn't say start a whole relationship."
"Nancy, you basically gave me permission to cheat on you, and now you get upset because I did?" Alexander defended, albeit feeling guilty for lying to Emma. She was so torn by her dirty conscience, yet she had no reason to. Their entire arrangement had been licensed by Nancy herself, who'd known all along and had even contributed to starting it.
Nancy who crossed her arms over her chest, taking a stern stance. "May I remind you that, the amendment you asked for merely states that you are allowed to go to bed with her? There was absolutely no mention of any kind of different involvement being allowed."
"Well, I did get involved, alright?" Alexander admitted, then sighed. "But I guess that, whatever you told her last night, it worked. Because she didn't even let me try to go further."
"Oh, boo-hoo, the cheater got his heart broken. How sad." Nancy scoffed, pretending to be crying.
"First of all, I didn't cheat," he said sternly, "you cannot cheat when there wasn't a relationship to begin with, don't you think? Or do I need to remind you that this," he pointed at himself and her, "isn't real?"
"It doesn't have to be real to look perfect."
"Well, if I recall right, you took the other side of that amendment quite gladly."
"The difference between you and me, Honeybunch, is that I stuck to our agreement, which involved mere sex. You're the one that went ahead and started dating someone else."
"We're not dating," he muttered under his breath.
Nancy laughed. "No? So you give a whole apartment to all the women you sleep with? That must be really expensive."
Alexander arched an eyebrow, surprised. "How ..."
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"Oh, come on, you think I wouldn't keep an eye on my investment?" She scoffed.
"You had me followed?"
Nancy reached for her bag, and took a small stack of photos out of it, which she handed to him. All of them showed him and Emma together, being intimate, all were taken from directly outside his apartment, the last ones from right outside the place he'd wanted Emma to rent. "I told you since day one, Honeybunch." Nancy gritted her teeth. "Nothing, no one will stand between me and my goals. When you came to me asking for an amendment to our contract, I thought ok, he's a man, he needs it." She clenched her jaw. "I should have known the lost puppy act she's so good at would fool you, too."
"It's no act." Alexander defended. "She's ... you wouldn't understand."
Nancy let out a loud laugh. "What wouldn't I understand?" She scoffed. "Wake up, Alexander. No one's unlucky, we all make our fortunes and our misfortunes." She took a step closer to him. "So she lost her father, so what? Mine died when I was 8. Many people lose their parents, it's not an excuse."
"You know it's different. She didn't have your family."
"Is that enough to do what she did?" Nancy sneered. "Do you even know what she did?"
"She told me a few things."
"But not everything, I bet."
Alexander took a step back, getting on the defensive. "I know what you're doing," he said, "you're trying to get in my head, thinking that if I find out about her past, it'll change how I look at her." He clenched his fists at his side. "You can save your breaths, nothing will change how I feel."
"Wow," Nancy scoffed, "you're that much involved, huh?"
He shrugged. "I guess I'm really in love with her." He would have preferred to say it to Emma first, but it was out in the open now.
What he didn't see, was how Nancy's jaw twitched the slightest as she clenched her left hand in a tight fist. Alexander had no way of knowing what he'd just unleashed, admitting his feelings so candidly. "Well, then, good luck." Nancy said, offering him one of her deceitful smiles.
Taken aback, he frowned. "You mean it?"
"Of course. We've had our fun times," she winked, "contract or not. I do care."
"Uh ... thanks, I guess?" He had not seen it coming, therefore still had a hard time processing it. "So, um ... about our deal, should we consider it null, then?"
"Of course ... not." Nancy laughed wryly. "You forget the clauses."
"You wrote it, you can amend it ... we already did, after all."
She walked over to him, and caressed his cheek, a snide smile on her lips. She innocently tilted her head to the side, and claimed, in her mellifluous voice: "You try to break the contract before it expires, I send you back to the shithole I pulled you out of. Your choice, Honeybunch."
"I don't understand ... why are you leaving?"
Emma pressed her lips in a thin line as she gathered her clothes. There was no way she'd tell the whole truth. Delilah didn't even know about the peculiar arrangement between her and her brother. "I've just never been too good at the whole ... staying thing. I'm not one to settle."
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Delilah poked the inside of her cheek with her tongue, pensive. "That's one lame excuse." She rolled her eyes. "Also, my brother's not gonna like this one bit."
"You said the same about our friendship."
The young doctor scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest, annoyed that she'd been forced to lie to her brother. "Yeah, well, I still don't understand that either. Why is it so bad if Alexander knows we're friends? He's not gonna be jealous ... I mean, he knows you're bi, right?"
Emma smiled the slightest. "What makes you think I'm bi?"
"Uh ... the fact that you checked me out? Shamelessly, might I add." Delilah teased. "You think I didn't notice? When we first met?"
The other let out a short laugh. "I was staring because some stranger had just grabbed my foot out of the blue, almost making me lose balance!" They laughed together, reminiscing that odd encounter and how Emma had run away so swiftly.
"I thought you got spooked or something ..." Delilah commented, "then Alexander pointed out it was because of him." She eyed her friend. "Is that the same reason why you're leaving now? You're running from him?" She arched an eyebrow. "Did he do something he shouldn't have? Because if so, I'll teach him some manners." The young woman cracked her knuckles.
Emma shook her head. "Alexander would never." She said absentmindedly. "If anything, he's done way too much." She thought of the apartment, the job he'd found her, but more importantly of those art supplies. Those were the only things she'd allowed herself to take, having returned to the place to give the key to the super.
As if on cue, every endearing memory of him crossed her mind and she found herself smiling the slightest. In her life, not many people had ever cared about her as much as he had. Actually, only one.
Unconsciously, Emma tightened her grip on her suitcase as she wrestled with her emotions. Of all the dangerous entanglements she'd involved herself in, this one was definitely the worst. Torn between the wrongness of their entire relationship in regards to Nancy, and the foolish ease with which she'd let Alexander just take a place in her most guarded fortress – her heart –, Emma found it difficult as ever to shred her skin once again and move on.
"Emma?" Delilah called, concerned. When her friend didn't respond, she brushed her shoulder, which brought her back to reality.
"Yeah ..." Emma cleared her throat, "yeah ... I was ..." she swallowed more than just saliva, she swallowed every emotion, every type of feeling, "I was thinking."
"About my brother?"
Emma pursed her lips. "About what's next."
"Which is ...?"
The other shrugged. "We'll see."
When Emma went back to normal, just packing the very little things she owned in her suitcase, Delilah sighed. She just couldn't understand why neither of them simply accepted the fact that they were meant for each other.
Alexander was a whole different person around Emma, more relaxed, less on edge ... in a way, he was back to his pre-prison self. Emma reached his best side and enhanced it, she seemed able to lift up the iron curtain he'd surrounded himself with ever since their mother had passed away.
Delilah sighed. After all those years, she didn't even know why had her brother gone to prison. All she'd been told was that he'd done something awful and he hoped that someday she would forgive him. For what, she'd asked many times, never receiving a clear answer.
"I'm ready, let's go." Emma announced, closing the luggage. It was a bit sad that her entire life could fit in a medium-sized suitcase, but it made everything easier.
"You should tell him." Delilah grumbled for the umpteenth time as they left the motel, but she received no answer, so she grabbed the girl's arm, to stop her. "Emma, come on ... he has a right to know you're leaving. You know it will hurt him, at least say goodbye ... please?"
Emma sealed her lips in a thin line, making sure not to show any emotion. She was well aware that Alexander would be hurt, she just hoped he'd be able to cope. He ought to. They both ought to. There was no other solution.
"You're still in time to change your mind." Delilah reminded her, needing a last attempt at convincing her before the bus left.
"Please, stop." Emma sighed, finding it harder and harder to maintain her impassiveness. She fished her purse for a piece of paper, a small note she'd written in the car.
"I can't!" The young doctor huffed. "You're leaving for no reason at all, and hurting my brother in the process. I shouldn't even be speaking to you, let alone help you do this!" She shook her head. "I don't even know what I'm doing here."
Emma cracked a small, bittersweet smile, as she finally found the note in her purse. "You're here because, even though you don't want to admit, even you know that your brother's going to be better off without me in his life. Now, please, do me a favor and give him this." She handed her the piece of paper.
"What's this?"
Emma hiked her bag over her shoulder, moving to the bus entrance. "You say I'm heartless because I don't want to say goodbye to him." She clenched her fist. "The truth is, I cannot see him, because if I did, if I ..." she swallowed hard, "if I looked into his eyes, I would never have the strength to leave."
"Then don't." Delilah begged. "Don't go ... whatever is driving you away, I'm sure there's a solution."
"There isn't. I'm sure he'll understand." He wouldn't. She was counting on him hating her instead. Hatred led to indifference, and indifference would mend his broken heart, helping him forget her. "It's better this way, trust me. I ..." she choked on the tears that she was desperately trying to hold back, "I ..."
"Say it." Delilah nudged, hoping for a miracle. "Say it out loud. At least I can give him something to cope with."
Emma closed her eyes, a stray tear wetting her cheek. The last thing he could possibly know was how she felt. There was nothing, there ought to be nothing. "Goodbye, Delilah."
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