"I'm sorry. I don't think this is going to work," I say, grabbing Boo's leash and holding on tightly.

The potential adopter looks at me in shock, "Was it something I said?"

I look at Boo who is laying on the ground right next to my feet. He's awake, but Boo hasn't been himself. He's been like this since she died. "No, I'm sorry. It wasn't anything you said, but I don't think this is going to work." I thought I could do this. Give him to someone else, but I can't leave him. That's how Boo is going to see it.

"O-Okay then? Um, it was nice meeting you." She says and I force a smile on my face. It feels like I've been doing that a lot lately.

"You as well. Good luck finding a dog."

Just not this dog.

My leather jacket is pulled tightly around me with a late spring chill in the air. Boo walks slowly next to me as we walk to a different area of the park before sitting down on a different bench.

Boo looks at me with his big eyes and I swear if he could talk, he'd be thanking me for not letting him go home with that girl. I rub right behind his ear, "You miss her too, don't you?"

I feel silly for a moment, talking to a dog. Except then he whines and nudges my hand when it stops scratching. I chuckle softly and lean back on the bench, watching the clouds in the sky.

"Boo, how did we get here?" I muse sadly. It doesn't feel real. Unfortunately, it is. God I could really use a drink right now. But I promised Lacey I wouldn't.

She fought the morphine. She really really didn't want it. Lacey tried her best to fight her mom, but in the end she accepted it. Her words were slowing and she was struggling to sit up, even propped by her pillows.

"Have I told you how beautiful you are," I say, trying to cheer her up. I just want to see her smile again.

Lacey coughs into her hand, weakly smiling at me. "You're so full of shit."

I take her hand and press my lips to the back of it, "Are you calling me a liar?"

"Dean."

No, I don't want to hear whatever last declaration she has. Boo is laying on the bed, draped over her feet. He won't leave her unless you use a stern voice and pull him by a leash.

"Dean," She says a little louder and I notice her breathing hitch as I finally look away from Boo to see how exhausted she is. "I need to talk to you about a few things."

Lacey's words are breathy and I nod, holding on tightly to her hand. "Okay."

"Promise. Promise me that you won't fall apart. That you won't let this define your actions," She has to stop to take a few shallow breaths before continuing. "You feel everything so strongly that I need to know you're going to be okay. Don't drink either. You'll want to, but you can't. Grab some water instead."

"Lace...we don't have to do this. Save your energy."

She's stubborn. Maybe more stubborn than I am. "No. I need to say this before I can't. I already talked to Ruth and my parents. You're the one I'm worried about."

"When have I ever given you any reason to worry?" I joke, causing Lacey to let out a horrible sound, resembling a mixture of a laugh and a gasp for air.

"Paige, the gala, Maddox and Paige to name a few things," She says hoarsely.

I chuckle, "Okay, fair enough. I don't need you to worry about me. I'll be okay."

"You have been so good and kind to me; I want you to be like this to someone else okay? Not too soon because I'm hard to live up to." Lacey smiles at me and I shake my head. This isn't what I want to hear. "Dean, please. I love you, but I need to know you're going to listen to me. Promise."

"I promise."

She smiles and relaxes into the pillows. Boo whines, lifting his head slightly.

"Good. Thank you."

She was right. No one will live up to her. I wasted so much time dicking around with Paige because I couldn't admit to myself that I had feelings for the girl I pulled out of a fire. If only I'd known. We would have had more time.

Lacey's letters to me are in the inside pocket of my jacket. I've read them so many times I'm surprised I don't have them memorized yet.

She outdid herself. Leaving pieces of herself and memories and conversations we had in them so I would remember that instead of how her last words were that she wasn't afraid anymore. How her breathing slowed and each breath looked like it took so much effort.

I want to remember the woman I took to the top of the Empire State Building, the one that would bring cookies to the fire station to say hello, how she always knew the right thing to say.

Lacey was incredible.

How am I supposed to find someone else that I'll love that way?

We were supposed to have more time.

I know that everyone's been worried about me. But I haven't fallen to pieces. I've held myself together because that's what she wanted.

I don't want to be, but I just can't help being angry at her. One day everything was fine, and then the next she was having a heart attack at her surprise party? She had a heart condition and I didn't even know. How many times did I push her past the point of exertion without realizing?

Lacey meant well. She wanted to be normal and I understand that. It's just a brutal lesson that everyone lies. Even the people you don't think will.

This is different than Paige and Maddox. It doesn't even compare.

I feel terrible because I'm angry at her. Lacey was gone in the blink of an eye. But I can't because if I were in her place, I probably would have done the same thing.

Boo licks my hand and I smile at him. He gets it. She was here one day and gone the next.

So much can happen in such a short amount of time.

"C'mon boy, let's go home. We're going home."

Boo and I understand each other.

Ruth and I talk every few days. She gets it. Understands how this all feels. She tells me more things I didn't know about Lacey every time. Things I would have known if we had more time. I haven't talked to her parents since they left.

Grayson checks in more than the others do. Besides me, he spent the most time with her here. He had more time to accept it though.

We've never been close. He's always been Hayes's best friend to me. I like it when he stops by because he doesn't expect me to talk. We just sit there and eat, watch a hockey game, sometimes it's a soccer game.

It's better than everyone else. Sephine wants me to talk to her, Cassidy cleans, Linc wants to drink. Sometimes I wish Maddox and I were talking because I know he'd understand. I talk to Ruth. I sit with Grayson. It's a great system.

I was supposed to go back to work three weeks ago. It took one day before I requested a sabbatical. I saw Lacey in every single face on the scene and I'm doing my best to be okay. Going back to work didn't help me be okay.

So Boo and I do a lot of walking.

He was really always Lacey's dog. She loved him and wanted him to find a home so badly. But maybe he already has a home. With me.

In her letter, she left me a bucket list that she created for me. When I saw bull riding on it I laughed so hard I started crying. It figures that she would put that on there. The rest of the list were just as random until I got to the last one that said to do something that makes me happy.

Lacey might be gone but that doesn't mean I can't still love her. I think I've loved her for most of the time I've known her. She dealt with everything head on and she was right. It happened so quickly. It's like I went to sleep one night and when I opened my eyes the next morning, I knew. Being around Lacey was as easy as breathing for me. That's how I knew.

No matter how much I tried to push her away, she was there.

Linc is on the couch with Chase when we get back. "Hey, how did the meeting go?"

I shrug, taking Boo's leash off of his collar before taking my jacket off. I grab Lacey's letter out of the inside pocket and put it in my back pocket. I like keeping them on me at all times. It's like carrying a piece of her with me. "It wasn't the right fit. I think I'm just going to keep him."

Chase is looking at his phone to avoid looking at me. We've been civil with each other but it's still weird. It's been almost two months since everything happened. It feels like a lifetime ago.

"It's fine with me if you do. He's a good dog. It makes sense to keep him," Linc says, trying to stay upbeat. "C'mere Boo," He calls and Boo takes one look at him before going to lay in his dog bed in the corner.

"I think he's depressed," Chase says quietly and it takes everything in me to not snap a snarky response. Of course he's depressed. Boo loved her and he probably doesn't understand why she's gone.

Instead, I stick with a short answer. "Probably."

"Do you want to watch the game with us?" Linc asks, holding a beer in his hand.

I don't really want to sit there with them, but it might be better than sitting in my room, rereading Lacey's letters. "Yeah. I'll watch for a little bit."

They don't force me to talk which I'm grateful for, but I'm glad I stayed out here. It feels good to laugh a little, to smile and not feel sad.

I think it's the first time in weeks that I've felt somewhat like myself. And then Chase ruins it by asking questions.

"So Dean, when are you coming back to work? It's not the same without you there."

Linc takes a nervous drink of his beer because he asked me this question last week and it didn't go well. I don't think I spoke to him for three days after.

"I don't know. Chief told me to take all the time I need. My spot will be there when I get back." I say trying to keep my temper in check. It's fine. Deep breath in, long exhale.

"Yeah, but-"

"There's no but. I'll come back when I'm ready." I say with finality, getting up to grab my jacket again so I can leave. I don't know where I'm going yet but I'm going somewhere I don't feel like everyone is waiting to see what happens to me. How I'm going to react after Lacey.

"Dean you don't have to leave." Linc calls out after me, but I've shut the door again and I'm walking away before I say something I regret.

At least I've learned to do that.

*********

"Can I get you anything? I don't have anything other than water and scotch; take your pick," Maddox tries to joke and I shake my head.

"I'm okay. Thanks though, I just don't...I didn't know where else to go. I guess I just want to talk to my brother."

He sits on the couch and I can't help but stare at the scar on his head from the surgery he had. Maddox's hair has started to grow back but it's still visible. "Well I'm here. I've always been here, even if I'm an asshole most of the time. I stayed away because I didn't think you would want me there after everything that happened."

I sit down across from him, and letting out a shaky breath. "You really have been an asshole."

"Dean, I'm sorry. I know I fucked up with Paige and Cassidy. I'm sorry. I didn't know the two of you were together. Things have been difficult with us but I'd really like it if they weren't anymore."

"Me too. The fighting is exhausting. I'm tired of being angry at everyone and everything."

He smiles and looks down at his hands, "I know how that is. It's easier being angry than facing what happened."

"Is this how you felt with Paige?"

"Close. It's hard to move on. I mean I was a shell for three years before I allowed myself to be anything other than miserable. I blamed myself because I could have stopped her. Maybe then Paige wouldn't have gone missing."

I vividly remember the reason why we didn't talk for nearly three years. Charlie called and said I needed to check on Maddox. When I got there, I told him that maybe it was time to move on. It's not that simple. I get it now.

"I'm sorry for what I said back then. I didn't understand then. I understand now."

Maddox smiles faintly, "You don't understand until you've lived through it. Paige came back. I'm sorry that Lacey won't."

I reach into my jacket, feeling the comforting touch of paper. "I'm sorry for getting rid of the car you bought me. I probably shouldn't have done that."

He gapes at me in shock, "You got rid of the Corvette? Actually never mind. It was your car to do what you want with it and I don't blame you for not wanting it."

"I got a really nice convertible though. It's nice."

Maddox laughs, "I bet it is."

This is good. Talking to Maddox is good.

I think Lacey would be proud of me right now.