My face hurts, but it's no one's fault except my own. I just wanted to feel okay again after she said no. A wave of pain slices through me at the thought of Cassidy saying no. How she broke down into tears and I stupidly thought they were happy tears. And then she said no before leaving. She left. I'm not in the wrong here.

What reason could she have had to say no? She either loves me or she doesn't.

I look over at Paige who is still wearing my shirt as she stares at the door Dean walked out of silently crying. I had no idea that she was seeing Dean.

"You're with him?" I choke out, horrified by what I've learned.

Her shoulders sink with defeat and she nods once admitting the truth. "You heard him, it's over."

The next question I ask is a dumb one and I know that, but I can't stop it from coming out. "Why?"

Paige sniffles pulling her hair back, "Because he made me feel okay again. Dean understands the parts of me that you refuse to acknowledge. They broke me. Dean put me back together again without even realizing what he was doing. Why did you come here last night?"

My eyes catch the scars that curl up her neck, the rest hidden by my shirt. They're cruel and hard to look at. "Because I wanted to feel okay again."

Anger lights up her eyes as she twists back to look at me, "Congratulations Maddox. Now we'll both be alone and fucking miserable."

"I didn't make you have sex with me. You made that decision all on your own," I fire back feeling the guilt start to swarm inside me.

She hits me hard with an open palm, the sting of pain better than the guilt. "You lied. You said you guys broke up, you didn't say you fucking proposed to Cassidy. I'm not a consolation prize; you left me to stay with her."

My jaw hangs open, "I didn't leave you. You told me to go after Cass."

"Because I could see how fucking miserable you were staying with me! Maddox, last night was the first time since I came back that you didn't treat me like a china doll. You were in love with another woman and I wasn't blind. I could see it and everyone else could see it. That's why I told you to go after her."

This is a conversation we should have had months ago. "Paige..."

She shakes her head, "No. You don't get to look at me that way. I'm sorry that me coming back was such a shitty inconvenience for you. I wasn't going to make you stay with me if you didn't want to."

"It wasn't an inconvenie-"

"Then why wasn't I enough for you? Why couldn't you look and touch me like you did before. Am I that repulsive now?" Paige demands to know, pulling off my shirt to reveal the scars. I'd left the lights off last night so I wouldn't have to look, to feel, to think. There's no avoiding them now.

There's long and short ones, some puckered and others are smooth, they cover most of her porcelain skin. My mouth grows dry and I avert my gaze. Her scars are a reminder of every way I failed her.

"I spent one thousand, four hundred and thirty-seven days in that hellhole. And do you know what I thought about every single second of every single day? What got me through the beatings and torture?" I can hear the pain and raw emotion in her voice. I don't want to hear her say it. "You, Maddox. I thought of you. I pictured us hiking on that stupid mountain where you proposed to escape what was really happening to me. It's a technique they teach you to keep you from breaking if the enemy ever captured you. You were my escape."

Everything I've been working so hard to push down is threatening to come back up, "Stop. Paige stop please." I beg, trying to keep my guilt from consuming me.

"And then I got back and you looked at me the same way you're looking at me now. Pity and devastation because I was the reason you couldn't be with Cassidy. That's why I let you go." Paige says, tears slipping down her cheeks. "You didn't put me back together. You didn't see how hurt I was when you left me to be with her. Dean did. Except he's been terrified to let me into his heart because of you."

I shake my head feeling like I'm going to explode. All of my pain and rage is going to consume me.

She steps forward and cups my cheek in her hand, "I used to think you were the best thing that ever happen to me, but really? You're the worst."

A broken sob escapes me. I've hurt so many people. I did this to Paige. I let her go and when she came back, I left her again to be with Cassidy. Then the second that Cassidy told me no, I ran back to Paige. I hurt Dean, and who knows how many other people by letting my dick get the best of me.

"I just wanted to forget how hurt I was. I wanted to hurt Cassidy back. That's why I came last night," I admit the awful truth of why I just ruined any chance I ever had of getting Cass back. "I'm sorry," I whisper and she shakes her head.

"I'm put back together now, I don't need the apology. Dean has been there for me for months. And I'm so tired of having to hide my feelings for him because of you. More than anything, I wish there still wasn't a part of me that loved you so I could have had the power to tell you no last night. Because then, I'd still have him." Paige pulls away from me for what I'm assuming is the last time.

*********

"Hayes! Can you get the door?" I call out, pausing to put Marley in her little playpen. She juts her bottom lip out at me and I resist the urge to immediately pick her back up. This is something that Hayes and I have been trying to work on, but that doesn't make it any easier.

"Are you expecting anyone?" He asks walking by in his Olaf pants and a t-shirt. I stifle a laugh because I got them for him as a joke last Christmas from Marley, and they quickly became his favorite pair. I'm surprised he's even agreeing to answer the door while wearing them.

It's been a lazy morning after a grueling week of rehearsals and Hayes surprised me with breakfast in bed. It's been almost seven years since we got married and he gives me a new reason every day to love him more than the day before. We've been through thick and thin.

I hear the door open just as I cave and start to move to pick Marley up. She smiles at me and it makes me smile so widely it hurts. "Hi my sweet girl, you're just the cutest."

She giggles, "Momma!"

Marley got Hayes's blue eyes and I was so thankful. She looks so much like her father. "Montgomery, I just watched you put her down. Why are you holding her again," Hayes teases and I roll my eyes as Marley laughs.

"Like you can resist her anymore than I can. Who was at the door?"

"Me, I didn't know where else to go," I hear Dean say and I turn around in shock because I can hear how upset he is. Of the Benson clan, Dean is the one I'm closest to besides Hayes of course. I've grown quite the soft spot for him. He and I connected over the fact that we were both boarding school kids. We found all these other things in common and then when he got back from Dubai, Dean needed somewhere to stay. So I volunteered our place. He's the little brother I never had.

Hayes moves quickly to take Marley from me and I hesitate because I just picked her up and I'm not ready to let go yet. She's our rainbow baby. "You can have her back in a few minutes," He promises, smiling at her with all the love in the world. "I'm not the one he wants to talk to," Hayes says, dropping his voice to a whisper and I pass her over. At this point, I might think he loves her more than he loves me. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

"Why don't we go to the kitchen?" I suggest and he nods, running his hands through his hair.

I put water on the stove to warm up so I can attempt to make some tea for us since Hayes has insisted that I learn how to do something in the kitchen. He didn't specify what it needed to be so tea it is. Dean takes a seat at the counter and I try to mentally prepare myself for what he's going to say.

Based on the text I got from Grayson last night saying he owed me fifty dollars, I would guess this is about Lacey.

"You look tired," I say trying to break the ice.

"I'm seeing Paige." He admits softly, staring at his hands.

"Oh?" Paige? This is about Paige?

He looks at me with red eyes and I notice the swelling on the corner of his eye. He's always been the black sheep of the family and I do my best to look out for him if I can.

"I've been seeing Paige," Dean corrects the tense in which he's referring to. Oh, past tense.

"What happened?" I ask carefully passing over an ice pack for his face and he grimaces.

I reach across the counter to set my hand on his, "We were supposed to get together this morning. Paige has been helping me learn to deal with how I've been feeling so I stop lashing out at people. Except Maddox was there too."

"What?" I gasp audibly because there's no way that Maddox was with Paige. I've seen how he looks at Cassidy like she's the only girl in the world.

He laughs darkly, "Oh yeah. She was wearing his shirt and the fact that Maddox admitted to having sex with her made it crystal clear what happened."

"I don't understand; what about Cassidy?"

"She spent the night at my apartment bawling her eyes out until she cried herself to sleep. Maddox proposed last night and she said no."

Oh my god I was not prepared enough for all this information. "Why on earth would Cass say no? I thought she loved him?" What on earth is going on? I need to leave my Marley bubble more.

This is where Dean hesitates, "He wants kids. Cass-She can't have any. She found out yesterday morning and when Maddox proposed, she panicked. She doesn't think she can make him happy."

I take a sharp breath in as I try to process everything Dean just told me. My hands are shaking and I feel for Cass. I really do. It took years before we had a successful pregnancy. "Does she know about Paige and Maddox?"

I hear Dean sniffle from behind me while I take the water off the stove, "What do I do Seph? How do I tell her when she's already hurting?"

The tea is in the cupboard and I take it off the bottom shelf to drop the packets in the two mugs before adding the hot water to it. I carry them carefully to where Dean is looking quite hopeless. I've been there.

My hands wrap around the mug while I try to think of what to say, "I-I um...I don't know Dean. I don't know what to say. Cass is probably in shock and hurting because she lost part of a future she thought she had. I'm sure Maddox is just as confused, I mean we've all seen them together. When I lost Poppy, I felt so angry at myself and so guilty like it was my fault. Like I'd done something wrong to deserve being attacked and the miscarriage."

I never talk about this. Revisiting the worst day of my life isn't enjoyable for me. I do my best not to.

"It took a long time for me to get back to my new normal after that. Hayes doesn't talk about it much either, but he hid his pain too. The um...the second time I pushed everyone away. I started using again and I'm not proud of that point in my life. I was so desperate to feel anything but pain that I threw myself into dance and pills until Hayes gave me an ultimatum. The pills or him." I'd never told anyone else that besides my sponsor. It's horrifying how deep in you can get so quickly.

All I could think about was how many more minutes it will be before I can take another pill. The ache in my chest is bigger than normal and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to make myself better.

I had more energy today than yesterday; I also ran out of my stash at work. My hands are shaking and I was more irritable than usual.

Hayes is sitting at the kitchen table with his hands crossed in front of him. The scruff on his jaw is much longer than the last time I saw him. I can't even remember the last time I saw Hayes.

Seeing Hayes hurts. I failed him. It was my fault we lost our little boy. The last time we could blame Sascha, but this time the only person to blame is me. This time we didn't bother naming him. We'd found out the week before I miscarried that it was a boy. Hayes was so excited.

I walk past him without saying anything just like I have the last three weeks. We've been dancing around each other because our grief would swallow a room. It's different than last time. Much.

"Seph," He says softly. Softly enough that I can pretend I didn't hear him. I can walk past to get to the pills in my jewelry box. "Sephine sit down."

I'm not sure what made me stop. Maybe it was the tone of his voice, or it could be that he's actually speaking to me. I turn to look at him and notice how exhausted he is. "What Hayes?"

My heart is aching, the shaking of my hands is uncontrollable and I try to hide it by clasping them together but I know he sees it. "Sit down."

I follow the instructions like a robot when everything in me is screaming to go get the pills. Go get the pills and then come back. "It's been a long day, I'm exhausted so whatever you need to say, just say it."

"What happened to you? To us?" He asks quietly, staring at me with an unwavering gaze.

A short laugh escapes me, "What happened? I killed him Hayes. That's what happened. I hurt all the time. I'm trying to piece myself back together in the only way I know how."

Hayes slides a small baggie across the table to me. The pills from my stash. "Pills are the only way you know? Come on Seph, you know better. You didn't kill him. These things happen."

I look at the baggie, my hands are itching to grab one from it. Then my hand does grab it. "Did you know that's the first time you've told me that it wasn't my fault? It's been two months Hayes. Two fucking months and now you decide to say it?"

"I'm sorry Montgomery." I flinch when he calls me that. It's been two months since he's called me that too. "I'm so sorry, but if you take another pill...I'm done. I can't watch you slowly kill yourself anymore. It's me or the pills."

I shake my head to rid the memory. "It wasn't a proud moment for me or Hayes. I hate that I turned to the pills. But eventually things became okay again. Now we have Marley. I wouldn't trade her for anything to erase what happened before we got her. Cass is going to need time to be okay again."

He shakes his head, staring at the tea in front of him as Dean sets the ice pack down. "I'm so confused Sephine. I don't know what to do. I haven't got a clue of how I'm supposed to tell my best friend that her ex slept with my kinda girlfriend the same night he proposed to her. And then Lacey-" Dean's head falls into his hands and his shoulders begin to shake. "It's not supposed to be this hard."

I rest my hand on his shoulder and rub small soothing circles, "Time heals everything Dean. You have to trust that or it's going to be hard."

"I feel like I can't even think straight. She went out with him last night and the thought of someone else being with her? I can't stand it. It makes me sick to my stomach."

He's not talking about Paige anymore. Grayson's text reminds me that Lacey went out with someone last night too. Someone who wasn't Dean. "Are you okay?"

Dean glances over at me, "Is anyone?"

That's a great question.

Hours later, I'm laying in my bed with Hayes who is holding me tightly to him. The sound of his heartbeat is comforting in my ear as he fiddles with the fabric of my shirt.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" I ask softly and he hums a short response.

"I don't think we need to worry. Dean will get there. However, I do think I'm going to kick Maddox's ass next time I see him."

I laugh at the idea of Maddox who is younger and bigger than Hayes getting beat up by him. "Whatever you say Benson, just don't throw your back out."

He snorts, "I'm thirty-one, not sixty one."

I lift my head to press a short kiss to his lips, "You'll be thirty-two next week. You're not a young spry anymore."

"Go to sleep Montgomery."

We're silent for a few moments. "Hayes?"

"Yes my love?"

A little giggle escapes from me because he's never once called me that. "Before I thank you for being the best husband, why the hell did you just call me that?"

Hayes's arms wrap tighter around me, "Well since I'm so old, I guess I can't call you what I did when I was a young spry. Do you prefer that or should I try out sexy mama or how about the light of my life?" We start laughing hard enough that I'm worried we're going to wake Marley up.

"How about we stick to Benson and Montgomery?"

He presses a kiss to the top of my head, "I love you."

"I love you more."