I couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened today. Since it was my dead brother's birthday (as well as the day he died for heaven's sake) some degree of upset was understandable from me. However, now that I lay here in the dark and thought over the events of the day, and even the days leading up to it, I could see that I had perhaps not handled things as well as I could have.

Who was I trying to kid? I'd been a complete bitch! While Laura had been amazingly patient been there for me the entire time, even when I was being awful to her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't exceptionally grateful. I must find a way of making it up to her.

I climbed out of bed and padded down the stairs, avoiding the few which released loud squeals when trodden upon.

What would be the best way to show my gratitude?

My initial idea was a romantic date. I could tell everything that was happening was making Laura stressed. She hadn't been herself recently and I had a feeling it was my fault. It would do her a world of good to have a meal, some nice wine and to just be out of the house for a while. She had informed me that, as much as she liked staying with us, she coulnd't wait to be back in her own home. In her position I would've been of the same opinion; especially knowing how different being here was to being in her own home. I would miss her when she left but everyone needed privacy and to be spending so much time together should be driving us crazy. Maybe it was annoying her and that was why she wanted to leave.

I slumped down on the sofa, only my top half resting on it and scolded myself quietly.

"You shouldn't be thinking things like that without knowing her real opinion. Now go and do something before over-thinking makes you even more insane than you were earlier."

I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and sat silently, sipping it. With nothing else to do, I turned to my phone to provide some entertainment. I had a text waiting from Sheridan - which was another thing.

Laura and I had both been neglecting our friends - too wrapped up in each other and school and everything else that had been happening. I hadn't even realised it myself until I received a text from Sheridan asking if I'd fallen off the side of the planet. That, of course, made me feel awful and I'd made plans to meet with her and Tanya in a couple of weeks; which appeased the uneasy feeling I got in my gut whenever I thought of how I'd abandoned them. Perhaps what Laura needed was to relax with some friends of hers. I would discuss it with her in the morning.

My head came to rest on the dining room table and I ran my fingers along the grain of the wood.

I stayed there for a long time and, for the first time in a while, dealt with everything that was going on in my head. Contrary to what I would have thought the process didn't make me feel worse, it actually worked towards making me feel better.

I decided I had to sort out my emotions regarding my brother. I couldn't behave the way I had for the last week every year, or worse, whenever I missed him. So I'd decided I would talk to Sophie () and see what she recommended I do. I would ask about everything I'd pushed back for years, even though I was scared. I would see my friends a lot more and I would make sure that my girlfriend was feeling great. Even when I was wrapped in my own self-pity I had still hated seeing her so agitated and knowing it was my fault made it even worse. But I was going to solve it and become worthy of loving. And I'd start by helping her move some of her things tomorrow even though I really didn't want to.

I hummed a tune to myself, happy to have a plan laid out in my head. I somehow felt much better with everything planned and a clear road in front of me. The weeks and months that followed might be difficult, and force me to do and learn things I never wanted to, but I knew it would all be worth it. It would make me someone I was happy to be.

***

My mother woke me a few hours later, and after questioning why I was asleep at the table, sent me to bed. I didn't get back to sleep though as when I got to my bedroom Laura was already awake and ready to go to her place. I made it halfway to the bed before remembering my vow, groaning loudly and reluctantly following her to her car.

We would be waiting all day for stupid deliveries and it was going to be incredibly boring.

"Although," Laura said, "the bulk should be coming today, so this will get most of it out of the way."

"Are the repair guys done?" I asked, lounging in my seat, eating a cereal bar.

"Yeah, Steph was keeping an eye on it all for me. She says everything looks great."

"Didn't you need to, like, sign stuff?" A yawn erupted from me and I quickly covered my mouth, which is full of half-chewed granola.

Laura shrugged. "I filled out a few forms and gave them to Steph. That's all they needed, I assume."

"Very good, dear." I said and grinned when she frowned at me.

"Dear?"

"Yes, dear?" I deliberately play dumb, simply smiling innocently when she narrows her eyes at me.

"You sound about seventy." She commented and I snorted, before recomposing myself.

"I will be, one day." She opened her mouth to speak but I hastily added, "dear!" Laura just shook her head at me and I smiled happily. Then something struck me and I became less playful. "Do you," I stopped, my voice was too quiet to hear. I began again, louder this time. "Do you think one day ... I'll be able to call you that without you teasing me?"

"That's a loaded question." Laura turned her head to meet my eyes, and despite my blush, I held her gaze. My pulse raced so fast I wasn't sure if I'd be able to hear my girlfriend's reply. She gave a small smile and said, "I don't think I'll ever stop teasing you." She continued to look at me for a long moment after she spoke, then turned her attention back to the road.

I wrapped my arms around me and smiled dreamily. I didn't care if I looked stupid; I was insanely happy. I sang tunelessly under my breath, simply voicing whatever came into my head. My eyelids began to droop and by the time we reached Laura's I was half asleep.

My girlfriend noticed and came around to my door to carry me into the house but I sleepily told her I could walk. She just laughed and scooped me up into her arms. I snuggled into her, not caring that I probably weighed a ton and smelled weird. My hand somehow became tangled in her hair and she had to work my fingers apart before she lay me down on the floor. Surprisingly, it was really comfy, especially when she pulled my head into her lap and slowly ran her fingers through my hair.

At some point she shifted and my head was on the cold, hard laminate to which I groaned in protest but Laura was soon back and became my human pillow once again.

I woke up hours later, confused and cold. The sounds of two or three voices reached me as I stretched languidly. I stood up and shuffled over to the open doorway and peeked out. Laura stood at the doorway, talking to a man with a blue shirt and a blue hat on, both of which had a red and yellow symbol emblazoned upon them. He must be delivering something. I tried to look past him, shifting my position until I could do so, and saw the back end of a white van.

The man moved away from Laura - they had evidently finished speaking - and towards the van, out of which a second man appeared, wearing the same uniform. They opened the back and together brought in a wooden cabinet. They placed it down where Laura requested then left.

I shivered and wrapped my arms tighter around myself, waiting for my girlfriend to get back here and warm me up. When she came through the door I jumped at her and hugged her tightly.

"You're awake."

I kissed her cheek, "barely." I squeezed her and she tightened her arms around me. I shivered but this time it wasn't from the cold. I knew her strength and to have it wrapped around made me feel incredibly safe. "What time is it?" I asked, dotting her neck with light kisses.

"Sometime after one," she said. "Are you hungry?"

I nodded enthusiastically but when Laura asked what I wanted I just said her. She smiled at that and wrapped an arm around my waist, drawing me closer. Her breath tickled my cheek when she kissed it and I pretended to sulk. "Is that it?" My girlfriend chuckled and pecked my lips so quickly I didn't feel a thing. I knew she was being difficult deliberately, her eyes held that familiar gleam, so I held her head in place with my hands and kissed her properly. My senses flooded with the familiar flavour of sugar and cinnamon. That taste that I would never grow tired of. My stomach fluttered with warmth then clenched tightly when her hand gripped my ass. We both stumbled back until Laura hit a wall and I pinned her there as our lips moved together in sync. My heart was beating so fast I thought I would burst and since our breasts were pressed tightly together I was certain she could feel how it pounded as well.

Neither of us wanted to stop but someone knocked at the door and Laura reluctantly fixed her hair and tried to pace her breathing before she answered. It wasn't a delivery man at the door. I heard hushed voices then Laura's getting louder and sounding pissed off. The door slammed and something slammed off the wood and smashed. I rushed out of the room and found my girlfriend standing in front of what had evidently been a present but now had several large rips in the paper due to the glass peeking through.

"What happened? Who was that? Why is that broken?"

Laura turned abruptly and took my hand, pulling me back into the room I'd just left.

"That present out there is from Caitlin for my father. She said she remembered his birthday was coming up and that she would be happy if I could give this to him. The stupid bitch would know he's dead if she payed any fucking attention! And she'd have remembered his birthday is after Christmas, not before!" She said, pacing up and down agitatedly.

"When is his birthday?" I asked, sitting down on the floor.

"It's on the sixteenth of January."

"I didn't know. Are you worried about it?" I asked then shook my head. "Stupid question, of course you are. Do you want to talk about it?"

Laura flopped down next to me and nodded.

"Can you...." She opened her arms instead of saying anything else and I obliged instantly, pulling her into my arms and letting her rest her head on my shoulder. "My mum wants just the three of us to be there, my sister, her and me, to have a sort of rememberance day for him. To honour his memory she said. She's been talking about this stupid thing for an entire year. It's driving me insane. I don't think I'll be able to sit there and hear her praise him to the heavens without being sick. And to make things worse, she might want me to say things too."

I stroked her hair and said, "maybe you need to just tell her. You would feel so much better afterwards if you did. Plus no more of this awful stuff."

"I can't," Laura said morosely. "I can't shatter her image of him. he was her husband and she loved him with eerything. I can't do that to her, he won't ruin her life with this. He's already caused enough damage to our family." She scuffed her foot against the laminate flooring and sighed heavily. "I'll just have to try and survive it."

"I'm sure it'll be okay. After you should go out with your sister and get totally hamered so you can't remember any of it." Laura smiled weakly and nodded. "Just don't expect me to come and look after you the next day." She nodded again and kissed me gently.

"Do you want to go out later, once everything is here?" Laura asked, pinching my cheek. "I need the distraction."

"Of course, as long as it isn't ridiculously late. I have studying to do tomorrow."

"Alright," she lay back and stared up at the ceiling. I silently lay beside her, not sure what to say and deciding nothing is the best option. I trailed my fingers along her arm and up to her shoulder, then back down again. I rolled over onto my side and gently stroked her wrist, watching her breathe (and also being a pervert but hey, I'm allowed).

I ended up simply holding her hand, stroking my thumb across soft skin, until there was a knock on the door. As she stood she smiled at me gratefully and I smiled too then closed my eyes.

Around five minutes later she was back and pulled me up into a sitting position, then looped her fingers in my belt and pulled me into her lap. Her hands caressed my hips as I brushed her hair from her face.

"Thank you," she said, quietly. Her lips brushed mine softly then she smirked. "Maybe ... we don't need to go out to find a distraction." She nibbled at my earlobe, making my entire body judder with heat, fire beginning in the pit of my stomach. Her soft perfume overwhelmed my senses and as she roughly kissed my neck I was helpless. Her lips were slightly colder than my warm skin but wonderfully so. Her teeth dug into my skin which, although it hurt, wasn't uncomfortable enough to make me wince. I ran my hands up and down her back, just wanting to feel her here. Even though we'd been dating for months sometimes I still found it hard to believe this was really happening. That my stupid crush on my Physics teacher could have become anything more.

Her lips left my skin, her hand holding the back of my head, tilting it back slightly. I stared up at her as her lips pressed against mine both firmly and gently. She nibbled gently at my bottom lip, then slowly slid her tongue into my mouth. She tickled the roof of my mouth, prompting me to open my eyes and begin to pull away in order to protest.

She held my head in place, however, and her hazel/green pools captured mine. She was so close she had three eyes and all of them were filled with such strong emotion I felt light-headed.

"Lilly," Laura breathed, moving back just enough to bring her face back into focus. She didn't look away from me, in fact she didn't even blink. Tension filled the air, crackling like electricity. My heart pounded in my ears. My stomach flipped and curled into a ball of nerves.

Then the moment was gone. She looked away, her eyes briefly filling with confusion. My heart sank so quickly it felt like a boulder, plummeting down my body.

There was a knock on the door. Laura stood and was gone; to answer. I sat on the floor, alone. Pulling my knees up to my chest I hugged them and sighed. At least there was still plenty of time.

We'd only been together for ... what was it? Five months, or thereabouts. Not even half a year. It was far too soon to start thinking about stupid things. Way too soon.