《》⊲|CHAPTER:56 'I FELT LIKE SHE WAS MY MOTHER'|⊳
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I never expected Victoria to come wake me up in the morning and herself call me for breakfast. But many things happened that I never thought would happen. And it was one of those. Though I was already awake, I couldn't move from my bed and so I kept resting with my eyes taking in the view outside of my window.
When Victoria came in, I thought it was Rebecca. "Hi Rebecca," I said, my voice hoarse. I stretched my arms and looked at her when I didn't get a reply back.
Just as my eyes landed on Victoria I understood why I didn't get a reply back. She was standing at the door, a frown lining her features as she stared down at my carpet.
"It's me," she said, her voice coming out merely as a whisper.
"Oh. Hi Victoria. Uhm. . . I mean, good morning," she looked different. Her usual harsh and determined face was gone, replaced by someone who I saw was weak. Her stiffness, the arrogant demeanour she held, all was hidden by a mask of emotionlessness.
Her eyes were not shining with mischievousness like they always did, instead they were empty and lifeless. She didn't look like the Victoria I knew. Those changes were little and insignificant but I did notice them. Because they were clear.
"Come on. I'm waiting for you in the dining hall," her voice lacked that demanding tone that I was used to. Her voice was fragile, unconfident and un-Victoria-like.
"Okay. I'll be there in a bit." Hearing me say that, she turned her back to me and walked away. The events of last night came to my mind and I could now easily join the dots together.
She was hurt.
As I let go of my blanket and dragged myself to the washroom, I wanted nothing more but to stay in bed all my life but of course anything that I want is never ever given to me. After brushing my teeth and tying my hair into a decent ponytail, I walked downstairs where Victoria and probably Richard too were waiting for me.
As I made my way inside, my eyes caught an image of Victoria sitting on her usual chair, her head resting on the head of the chair with her eyes closed. She seemed to have been thinking something. She looked like she wanted to relax but her creased forehead was a proof of the fact that multiple things were running through her mind.
Clearing my throat I sat on the chair opposite to her as I stared at the empty chair where Richard was supposed to sit. "Where is Richard?"
At my question she muttered something under her breath which I couldn't catch properly. It made me raise my eyebrows at her. "No idea," was her reply. Nodding my head, I started with my breakfast, occasionally glancing at Victoria who I witnessed hadn't eaten a single thing yet.
Stopping myself to not ask her anything unnecessary and encouraging myself to mind my own business, I avoided looking at her. Just as I was done I looked up at her to find her staring at me, a frown plastered on her face. It wasn't that I-hate-you frown. It was a weird one. One I couldn't give words to.
Pushing my chair backwards, I decided to go back to my room. But looking at her made me want to ask her how she was feeling. It made me want to talk to her. Though I was aware this might become a cause of my embarrassment if she refused to let me in, I still felt bad for her and wanted to talk. That is how shamefully barefaced I was.
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Just as I was about to open my mouth, Rebecca entered into the room, smiling at me. "Your friend is here Sophie." She gestured towards the door earning a nod from me in return.
"Lia?"
"No. The other blond. The one with short hair. . . . " I pressurized my brain to understand who she was talking about when it clicked.
"Maddie?"
Why oh why oh why oh why oh why?!?
"I think. She's in your room right now. Apparently, she is allowed to go to your room anytime she wanted. Is it true?" I groaned, nodding, already regretting the day I agreed for her to visit me whenever she wanted.
"I'll go check her," with that I climbed up to my room, calming myself so that I don't snap at Maddie. When I entered inside, I saw her looking at the picture of Carter and I that laid on my bed. I had completely forgotten I had taken it with me to bed last night.
It sounded creepy but I had started to have this weird obsession with that photo of ours. I knew I shouldn't even have the photo by now, I should have been moving on like I advised Carter to. But there's a huge difference between what you want to do and what you should do. What I wanted to do was impossible and what I should do was beyond difficult.
"Hi!" Maddie's voice rang in my ears bringing me back from the pool of thoughts I was drowned in.
"Hey, Maddie! How are you here today?"
"Heard your wedding is in two weeks. Is that true?" She exclaimed, excitement radiating off her body as she clamped her hands together.
"Yeah." It's the saddest reality of my life.
"How are your feelings Sophie? Like, oh my God you're going to be the wife of Lucas Woods in just two damn weeks! If I were you, I'd have died of happiness by now."
I wish you were me right now.
"You know, since childhood, I never got what I wanted," her fingers traced patterns on the photo frame she was holding. There was a sudden urge inside me to snatch it away from her but I controlled myself. "Every good toy, every good dress, every good footwear, every good jewelry, each and every good thing was for my sister."
"It didn't matter to people what I wanted, what I liked, like I was not important, like my choices didn't matter," she smiled sadly, her eyes trained on that photograph.
Maybe because you wanted whatever others have. Maybe because you developed a liking to others' belongings more than you do to your own. Maybe because you can't see people having any good thing that you don't.
"As we grew, I stopped expecting. I stopped waiting for people to look at me, to acknowledge my presence. I remember how I used to want to make friends with my cousins. I was desperate. But no one wanted me. No one ever even noticed my presence," Maddie paused, gulping as her eyes stayed fixed on me.
I had no idea where all of this was coming from but it was clear she needed someone to talk to. She needed someone to listen to her. To understand the misery she was facing. So I listened. I encouraged her to talk. I smiled at her.
Her gaze went down again, her eye lashes, touching her cheeks while she continued, "not only my childhood but all my life, I have always been the last choice of people. In high school guys always used me, took advantage of me, and then disregarded me like I was some piece of shit. Why couldn't I be the girl guys could die for?Why couldn't I be the girl that guys like? Why couldn't I be the girl that held every boy's attention? Why couldn't I be that girl who could be loved? I always wondered that."
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"Why is it always that whatever I want is never given to me? Why was Carter so crazy for you when you didn't even try? Why was I left alone, trashed, bald-headed even after I sacrificed all of my high school life to gain his attention?" I tried to stop myself from laughing at her bald-headed comment and pulled on a serious face.
"Just look at how he's smiling at you in this picture, Sophie. You are so lucky people love you. You don't even try, it's just that the things turn towards you without you even wanting them to. Just like right now. You are going to be married in two weeks to one of the hottest guys of this town. To be very honest Sophia, I'm dying of jealousy here."
"No guy ever looked at me like guys look at you. No guy ever smiled at me like they smile at you. And no matter how much I flaunt I have never been on a real date. Everyone of them wanted the same thing. And I ended up giving them that every time just for the sake of attention. Just with the hope that they might stay; they never did."
"Now look at you. You have people's sympathies, a good fiancé, many friends, money, good result, admission in a renowned college, guaranteed future and above all happiness– all of which I crave for but I don't get."
If only you knew Maddie, if only you knew.
What I realized after listening to her was that no one in this world ever gets to peace. Everybody has their own battles to fight, their own competitions to win. Everyone is somehow in a problem, each of their problems completely different from another.
After hearing her story, my perception for her completely changed. I no more saw her as someone who was a bitch to others. I saw her as someone who was lonely– just like me. I saw her as someone who needed love, who craved for attention– just like me. The only difference was, my way of showing this was the opposite of hers.
Though Maddie didn't realize I was far from happy with my fate, but I didn't mention it. I didn't mention that all I wanted was to go in the past and stop time because future was something that was killing me.
I understood that Maddie was a lot more stronger than me. I chose to kill myself under the burden of my problems. But she fought. Her way of dealing with the issues might've been harming others while my way of dealing with problems was to harm myself. Both totally opposite but same in some weird manner.
Instinctively, my arms reached out towards her as I engulfed her in a hug. A hug was what she needed right now. I doubted she ever said all those things to others. I doubted she even had real friends.
Earlier I would've commented that she didn't deserve real friends but now, I won't. Because she does. She deserves a real friendship.
It felt good. Letting all of our thoughts out felt good. It made you feel relieved and relaxed to some extents. I wanted to do the same. To pour my heart out, to let it all out before I explode. But Maddie wasn't someone I could trust. Although the way I thought about her had now changed, I still couldn't trust her with my sob stories. I still wasn't comfortable sharing stuff with her.
She pulled back, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Thank you for hearing me out."
"It's not a problem Maddie. You can always share anything with me. It's okay. I won't say you will get what you want one day because I myself am shaken in that part of faith. All I'd say is stop expecting. Stop imagining things for your future. Remember that you do deserve happiness, just not the way you imagine having it but through some other. But you'll get your happiness." She nodded, rubbing her eyes as she sighed, a small smile curving up her lips.
Silence fell over us. My eyes trailed down towards the photo frame. It didn't matter that I looked like a potato in the picture. What I saw was the smile on my face, the smile that was real. Not like the one I wear these days. Carter was with me, beside me. Unlike how distant we are now.
Who could've predicted life would take such turns?
"I have a question," Maddie's high-pitched tone was back. "Where did you and Lucas meet? Like how do you know each other? Is it . . . Like. . . how-"
"It is an arranged marriage Maddie," I spoke interrupting her. Her mouth formed in an 'o' as she bobbed her head.
"Then it's okay. Now I get it. I always wondered why he chose you. Like. . . You're not even pretty," she stated, making me raise my eyebrows at her. "I-I mean you are okay. But. . . . umm. . . you know there are more good-looking people in this city." I chuckled disregarding the fact that she just insulted me.
Maddie will always be Maddie.
* * * * *
I had been trying to call Lia since days but she never picked up. At first I thought I'd try again but this had never happened. After Maddie left, I really felt like talking to Lia. She had proven to be a complete stranger just as the schools ended. No messages, no calls, no emails, nothing.
Unable to reach to her, I called Jack. The two were close and I was sure I was able to get some information from him about Lia. Because now I was starting to get worried. Jack's call wasn't answered either. I tried again but this time he cut my call. I tried again, hoping he would answer my call.
The call was answered. It just wasn't Jack. "What the hell is your problem Sophia?!" The hatred filled voice that belonged to Lia entered into my ears, making me flinch. I couldn't keep my heart from beating faster than normal.
"Lia- I was trying to reach you out for so long. You know-"
"Just shut up! Don't ruin my life more than you already have! Why can't you get a hint?" The venom in her tone had give rise to my already fast heart beat. I felt my lips curving downwards as I focused on her words.
"What are you talking about, Lia? What have I done?" With my voice cracking, I managed to ask.
"Now don't play the innocent card on me! You know what I'm talking about here! Why Sophia? Why can't you see me happy? Why do you always come between my happiness? What have I done to you?" She sounded so hurt all I wanted to do was wrap her in a hug.
"Lia, I have no idea what you are talking about. Please just let me know what have I done?"
"Why did you call Jack? What is going on between you guys?" She whispered into the phone making my eyes go wide. She had it all wrong. God, she had it all messed up.
"Oh my God. Lia, calm down. I will never do anything like that to you. I just called Jack because you weren't picking up your phone. Oh Jesus, you have it all wrong. Wha-"
"Sophia I've it all right. You think I'm that dumb? I have been noticing it since the day you came to my house! First Isaac, now Jack. What do you need Sophie?" She wasn't shouting at me. She didn't need to shout. Her whispers were enough to drive a stake through my heart.
I felt like laughing at myself. At how funny my life was. The girl who I considered my best friend didn't trust me at all. She doubted me to such an extreme level, it was not a problem for her to imagine me with her boyfriend. She didn't even trust me enough to know that I would never do that to her.
It pained me. It pained me to the point I almost gave up on our friendship. I almost gave up defending myself. "Lia, is this what you think of me? Is that how much you trust me? Lia is this how much faith you have in me? It pains me to hear you say all that to me. How can you even think something like that?"
"What am I supposed to think Sophia? All jack has been talking about is you. Sophia this Sophia that. How am I not supposed to doubt? How am I not supposed to imagine all of that? I don't want to be broken again like Isaac broke me. Sophia, I'm going crazy. I don't know what is going on with me." Her voice held that pleading tone which only meant that I needed to clarify the matter as soon as possible.
"Okay Lia. Listen to me. I'm coming to meet you, okay?"
"I'm waiting."
Without wasting another minute I made my way outside my room and directly towards the door. What made me stop on my tracks were the muffled sobs I could hear from the living room. The silence of our house was of some benefit.
Normally I wouldn't have been so intrigued. But those sobs were not like Josh's. Those were more mature and painful ones.
My feet turned towards the room as I made my way towards the glass doors. My eyes spotted Victoria sprawled on the sofa her back facing me. Her body shook making it clear that it was her who had been sobbing. My feet refused to move as I observed her from outside. I wanted to reach out to her. To console her and talk to her but my feet stayed glued to the floor.
I was afraid she might reject my help. I was afraid she might hate me for interfering in her personal matters. I was afraid all I'd do is embarrass myself more. So I stared until I heard footsteps from behind me.
It was Rebecca. "She needs you." That was all she said. That was all I wanted to hear to rush towards her. I didn't practically rush. I walked. The slow, very slow, extremely slow walk. When I reached to the sofa she was sitting on, I sat on it too, as far as I could.
Sensing my presence she raised her head up from her palms. She looked at me briefly before turning away to the other direction. I waited for her to turn back to me but she didn't. She stood up, her back still facing me. I knew she was going. She wasn't comfortable with me sitting there. I knew I shouldn't have come, yet I wanted to stop her tears.
It didn't matter if she liked it or not. I knew she was hurting and I wanted to be there for her. Before she could walk, I called out her name, "Victoria."
She twisted her neck to look at me. Making me notice her red-rimmed eyes again. Her face was red from all the crying. The cheeks had dried a bit from earlier but those eyes were still damp. "What happened?" I tried to be as soft as I could.
No matter how much she had hated me ever since I was born, it pained me to see her hurting like that. No matter we never really talked, I could feel a connection between us. I didn't know if she felt it too but I did. And even if she hated to admit, in the end I was her blood.
She remained silent, staring at me like she had never seen me before. There was something in her eyes that I was unable to catch. I was nervous to speak anything else but I was afraid if I didn't speak she'd walk away.
"V-Victoria. . . you can share it with m-me. Just don't cry, p-please." I wasn't used to seeing her this weak. I hadn't ever seen a inch of weakness in her. And to be honest I missed that dominance, that strength, that authority she carried.
Victoria sighed, falling back onto the sofa. "It's your father," she let out in her barely audible voice.
People are strong. Some are just strong on the exterior but unexceptionally soft inside. Some strong both on the exterior as well as the interior. But even a rock breaks when it it hammered continuously. The same way, you lose all your strength, power and dominancy when it comes to love.
When it comes to love you remember nothing. You forget your strengths, powers and authorities. That's how big of a weakness this feeling is. Mom though, was a woman with might, at some point in between all of this had let go of that strength that kept her body rigid and upright.
She was stronger than a rock. At least that's what I thought. But love– love for Richard was what had completely broken her. Her quivering lips were a clear picture of that.
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