🌀🌀

Do you ever feel like hating someone with everything in you? Even though, that person hadn't touched a single hair of yours and had been nothing but sweet to you? Have you experienced hatred to such an extreme level that you all you want to do is kill that person. A strange feeling had crept into me and it wasn't like me.

I had no reason to hate Amber, yet I was constantly calling her bitch in my head. And it made me guilty. I was hating her for no reason. She didn't know that I was involved with Carter. And even if she did I had no right to hate her because I had lost that right long time ago. I couldn't act like a jealous girlfriend when I was actually an ex-girlfriend.

The ones who deserved my hatred were my so called parents. Not only had they arranged my marriage to Lucas, they were expecting me to go on stupid dates with him to get to know him better.

Shittiest crap of all time!

That was the only reason why Lucas was sitting on my bed awkwardly, playing with my pillow while I was wearing my lens. "You know, we don't have to do this." Lucas suggested, his eyes not leaving the pillow.

"I'm totally fine with it."

"It is clear that you are everything but fine with this, Sophie. It's been an hour and I'm sitting here, waiting, when we were supposed to be there at seven." His tone was soft while he spoke. There was a hint of sadness in his tone which made me guilty of my actions.

I looked down, ashamed. Yes, I had wasted a whole hour doing nothing because I was somehow hoping that we wouldn't have to go on a date if I accidentally get late. And it was so wrong with Lucas. "I know it's hard for you Sophie, but we have to pretend."

"It's hard for me Lucas. I considered you my brother. And see how does it sound to you: I'm going to a date with a guy who I think of as a big brother? Gross."

"We don't have to do this, Sophie. I'll just drop you off at your friend's and will roam around for an hour or two, then we can be back." Lucas answered walking towards me.

"You know, we can't do that. If my parents know about it, you have no idea what they will do. I hate this but I still have to do this. God, why this has to be so hard?!" I groaned, putting my head in my palms.

"Hey, it's okay. We'll just make something up, okay? I don't understand why your parents can't see how you're feeling. Don't they notice these bags under your eyes? Don't they notice the fact that you rarely smile? Don't they notice that you're struggling? Don't they notice these scars? How can they not?"

"They are not my parents. I'm not their daughter. I'm just a piece of shit who is not lucky enough for them to waste their time noticing things about me. And for them once in my life I have a chance to give something to them and they're like, 'might as well just use this piece of shit for making money'." I said, realizing a tear had already leaked my right eye.

In a split second, I felt Lucas's arms wrap around me. After regaining my mind from the imprisonment of surprise, I relaxed. Feeling better, I hugged him back while he patted the back of my neck. "It's going to be okay. I totally understand, Sophie."

A tapping sound captured our attention and I looked around the room to locate it, when I heard it again. "I'll check it," Lucas sounded, walking towards my window, hesitantly.

I nodded, my eyes darting towards the window to try and make out the shadow. Lucas opened the window to reveal a guy wearing dark blue shirt. That was the only thing visible and my heart started to hammer in my chest, knowing how likely it was that this guy was Carter. When he turned his head towards me, there were no chances left for arguments.

The bags under his eyes hadn't gone. There was the same pale look on his face from the last time I saw him. But I saw liveliness in his eyes again. There was something shining in them, something like hope.

His eyes stayed on me for a while, making me shiver due to the intensity. When I looked up, after bracing myself to meet his eyes, I was saved from the torture. Because his eyes were not on me anymore. They were fixed on Lucas.

Then he turned towards me, the shine from his eyes gone. The only thing left was their darkness. "I was thinking of a double date. You don't mind, right?" Carter asked as I blinked severally.

My eyes stared deeply into his, emotionless ones while I gulped. "D-double– uhm, double date?"

"Yes, double date. What do you say, dude?!" He turned towards Lucas who shrugged in response. To say that I was hurt would be an understatement. It did hurt, a lot. Knowing that Carter could move on so quickly hurt. But I was happy about him. I was glad that he was trying to move on, unlike me. I was happy that he was seeing someone else, someone who might deserve him and was not a going-to-be-married-soon-whore who broke his heart.

I looked away, unable to look at his perfect face, showing nothing but determination. I had an idea who he was talking about when he suggested the double date and I wanted to be happy for him but I just couldn't.

My heart just couldn't wrap itself around the reality. It couldn't digest the possibility of another girl being with Carter; specially, Amber. "I-I-I'll be right back," blurting out, I couldn't help but go to my washroom. It was going to have been any minute that I had started crying and I did not want to cry in front of two guys, one of them supposedly my fiancé and the other, my ex-boyfriend who I was still in love with.

Life was so wrong with me. Life was so very wrong. It enjoyed torturing me. And the one above us just watched all of it without helping me. Without showing me any light. Numerous tears slipped down my cheeks as I accepted the fact that the whole of my life ahead was going to be that way. Crying, hurting, painful, torturous. I accepted the fact that I deserved this hell and that was why I could not escape it no matter what.

If I hadn't been awarded with this little time period of happiness this torture wouldn't have mattered as much. But now that I had experienced that contentment of heart, that relaxation of mind, that unstoppable smile that became permanent on my face, that warmth and that feeling of love, it was hard for me to go back to that dark life again.

It wasn't just dark, it was blinding. It was frightening. It was cold, chilly and dangerous. It was extremely unhappy. Tears kept leaking my eyes. I tried to get a hang of my emotions but my efforts seemed to go in vain, completely.

I still hadn't cried all I wanted when a soft knock was heard by me, making my ears alert. Wiping away the tears, I sighed deeply as I opened the door to reveal a frowning Lucas. "Oh God, Sophie. It's okay. We really don't have to do this. Trust me, your parents will not know."

"Lucas, we will have to live together, possibly all of our pathetic lives. And me freaking out just on a date is an indication how much unready, how much unprepared I am. I want to be prepared, to be ready for the future. And for that we really should go to that date." I declared.

"And, Carter. . . .?"

"Was he serious about the double date thing?" I inquired hoping he wasn't serious.

"Serious? He was serious to a highly extreme level. And in fact he is going to be here soon. So you better get ready or he might kill me, calling me an abusive fiancé," Lucas answered with a chuckle as he wiped my tears away.

After I got ready, we proceeded towards his car. If I had a choice, I would've never agreed to the date. If only I had the choice. During the ride, I had learnt about the fact that we were going to a restaurant.

As we reached there, Lucas, being is gentlemen he was, was fast to open the door for me. Giving him a weak smile, I stood beside him, inhaling deeply.

The environment inside the restaurant was too formal. There were mostly couples all of them including an incredibly pretty girl and a good looking guy, dressed in their expensive clothes.

Basically the environment screamed: rich.

"Mr. Woods!" The waitress greeted Lucas with a welcoming smile on her face. With her expressions, it was clear that she knew Lucas very well. For trying to look nice, I smiled in her direction but just as her eyes landed on me, the smile from her face disappeared like a phantom.

It got me confused for a second but I made my way after her while she lead the way. "This way, Sir."

Finally, we had arrived to our table that had been booked by Lucas already. What I did not know was that Carter would already be sitting there. "Sophia!" Amber's sharp voice made me focus on something else but Carter. Carter, who was initially unaware of my presence also twisted his head to look at me. I couldn't look at him in the eyes, I couldn't look at him at all. Amber hugged me, her perfume making my insides weak. That might be because the perfume smelled just like a certain fruit. A pinkish-red fruit.

Amber moved away, making me notice her dark purple long dress which had a sweet heart neckline, with little details and it perfectly complimented her hair. Her makeup was done elegantly and I wanted to hate her but I couldn't. I wanted to tell her that she looked ugly and she could never impress Carter with that perfume, but I couldn't. Because I very well knew nothing of that sort was the truth.

The truth was, I was being jealous of her, her beauty, her luck, her fate, her life, her everything. The truth was that she looked natural and beautiful. The truth was, the makeup suited her well. The truth was, that I was comparing myself to her and she had turned out to be a thousand times better than me.

"You look lovely Amber." I wanted to say it nicely but I was sure my voice sounded nothing like nice. Amber didn't seem to notice it as she tightly closed her eyes in excitement. Opening them, she mouthed, 'he asked me out, oh em gee!'

I couldn't give her a real smile and so I had to effort to bring up an artificial smile on my face. After I got settled, my eyes traveled towards Amber's hand that was interwind with Carter's.

My eyes darted towards my own hands that were busy fidgeting. The ring on my hand shone brightly and I felt like chopping that finger off. I didn't need that. I needed Carter. I needed to be beside Carter, not Amber. I loved Carter, not Amber. I wanted to hold his hand like Amber had been.

"Sophia?" Lucas snapped his fingers before me, bursting my bubble of thoughts and I blinked at him, realizing that I had zoned out.

"Y-yes?"

"What are you going to order?"

I gulped, searching the opened menu before me. I couldn't make out anything due to my faded vision. I had no idea when those tears had pooled my eyes. Having no idea what to order, I looked up at a smiling Lucas. "F-fries."

"Fries?" This time, surprisingly, it was Carter who asked me. My head turned towards him as I tried hard to not let any tear fall from my eyes. His gaze made me gulp and I nodded lightly.

"Okay, so that's all." Lucas sounded as he talked to the waitress. My head could only remain up for a second after which I went back to staring at my lap. The last thing I wanted was to cry and that is why I was afraid to even blink once.

The order arrived and I couldn't speak a single word. I hadn't started crying yet was itself a huge accomplishment of mine. I could hear Lucas talking to Carter but it wasn't anything that interested me. What interested me were the smiles he was giving to Amber.

After I had swallowed a bunch of fries it felt like I could puke any moment. The intense gaze of Carter didn't help at all. I felt exposed. I felt responsible. I felt selfish.

"Lucas, I-I- I'm not feeling well. I want to go home." My broken voice came out. I tried, I really did but I couldn't control my emotions. I couldn't bear the scenes before me. I couldn't digest the fact that Carter had moved on so fast. I couldn't digest the fact that he was being all sweet with Amber. I couldn't have him staring at me with those hatred-lined eyes without breaking down.

And just like that, I left Carter with Amber once again as we made our way outside the restaurant. Lucas hesitated at first but did not argue and walked along with me.

I waited for him to start the car but he didn't. Stopping myself from crying was even harder now. Multiple sobs slipped my lips while I placed my head in my hands.

"I have never felt s-s-so helpful in my entire life! I hate everything! I hate everything!" My words came out muffled. Lucas didn't wait long before starting the car. We drove in silence. I knew well that Lucas was weirded out by me.

I raised my head to look towards him, because I had an idea we couldn't reach to my house that soon. Outside the window I could see the lights. Figuring out it was an ice cream parlour, I shook my head indicating I didn't want to be here at all.

"You barely ate anything Sophia. When ever I see you cry I feel like it's all my fault. Like I should've done something to stop this. Sophia trust me if I could I would have. I am so sorry." Lucas extended his hand to wipe my tears away.

"It's not your mistake Lucas. I'm just unlucky. And, God has reasons for everything. I now know the reasons. He deserves so much better than me. He deserves Amber. Who is truthful to him and is far more prettier than me."

Lucas opened his mouth to say something to me but I stopped him. "I really need to go home. I'll eat something later."

"Promise?" His eyebrows rose up as he asked.

"Promise."

* * * * *

My feet took me to the kitchen where I searched for a glass to have water. My eyes landed on a knife shining in the knife stand. I stayed there, staring at the sharp side of it as I remembered the time I tried suicide for the third time.

The peacefulness, the contentment, the joyfulness and the painful relief I felt at that moment urged me to do it again. Not knowing what possessed me, I walked closer to the knife my eyes eying its blade carefully.

I was reminded of the temporary relief that I got at doing that. I was reminded of all the times I tried milling myself. The same feelings had started to rise up inside me. I had never hated the world so much like I was doing right now. I had never hated myself so much like I was doing now.

I raised my hand and traced the sharp knife, my body flinching at the contact. My hand worked to pull the knife out of the stand, my eyes remaining trained on its silver metal.

The beads of tears hung on my eyelashes as I pulled the knife closer to my wrist. When it touched my skin, I cringed at the coolness of it.

"Sophia," I heard Rebecca call my name and I gasped. Just as I was about to do something extremely regretting the knife dropped from my hand making a clattering sound with the tiled floor.

Sighing in relief I leaned back at the counter, shaking my head at muse and what I was about to do. I was still breathing hard when Rebecca entered the kitchen with Josh behind her.

The both looked like they had been fighting over something stupid and like every other time I thought I was going to act as an arbitrator. Their expressions diverted just as their eyes landed on my messed up figure.

"What happened, sister?" Josh ran towards me but surprisingly none of them noticed the knife on the floor and I was glad. I hugged him like never before and cried my eyes out.

"I'm just extremely gloomy Josh. Nothing else."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I just came by to have some water," I tried giving him a weak smile but then Rebecca came near me.

"Is everything okay?"

I wish....

"Everything is great. You guys are just over reacting," faking a chuckle, my reply came. "I'm just tired. I'll go to my room and relax." And with that said, I made my way up into my room because no matter how much I try, I end up crying. I end up wanting to end my life, I end up weak and vulnerable and most of all I end up failing every time I try.

My room had all the lights switched off which was weird because I had left them opened when I went downstairs. It felt good though. The darkness, the silence, the chilly atmosphere reminded me of myself.

Slipping down the door, I placed my head in my knees and let out all of my emotions. It didn't matter how much I cried, the pain remained there. It didn't matter how much I retaliated, the situations never changed, my fate, my luck, it never changed. No matter how much I prayed, nothing was ever answered.

My back stiffened when I felt a hand on it. The eyelids that had been glued together popped open and I looked up to make up the image of whoever was in my room. It only took me one single breath to recognize the familiar smell of my love.

"Carter?" It was just a whisper but I knew he had listened to me.

"Sparkle," hearing my name from him made me want to cling to him, to cry, to find comfort that I was in dire need of, to play with his hair, to hug him, to sleep in his arms but I refrained from it. It was wrong with many people and I couldn't do that to anyone of them.

Realizing this, I jumped away from him. "Why are you here Carter?" I hyperventilated. It was dangerous. If my parents saw him, he was going to be dead and I didn't want any risks. I switched on the lights and locked my door gasping for air as I tried to understand what I was supposed to do.

Finally I knew what would be the best thing to do at that moment. "Carter, go."

"I won't."

"Carter please. Just go away."

"I won't." He repeated.

"Carter. I do not want you here. Just please go. Please leave."

"You need me. You're a liar. You need me and you're still in love with me. I know that. I can see that." Carter stated to walk towards me and I kept staring at him.

"I don't love you. Carter we're over. It's done. You don't deserve someone like me. And I surely do not deserve someone like you. So do me a favour and leave." I moved back stating everything but the truth.

"You're lying. You still love me! What do you want? Just say it. I'll get it for you. Just admit it Sophia please! I'm dying inside. I want you! Don't do this to me, Sparkle. Please?" Carter was begging and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Carter, leave. Please just go." I asked him, softly.

"I love you, Spark-"

"Leave, Carter. And never come back here. I'm not your girlfriend, you're not my boyfriend, forget we ever happened. Get over it and please, I don't like you being here, so avoid that."

"How can y-"

"Carter, leave!" It was the last thing I told him before I turned towards the wall.

It wasn't me speaking that day. It was my love for Carter speaking. It was the same love that couldn't let Carter die. It was the same love that couldn't let my parents harm a single hair on his body. It was the same love, that fought with my heart's selfish desires and made the decision of saving him.