😘😘😘

🌀🌀

Love is a drug.

Love is an addiction.

Love is unexplainably hard.

Love is difficult yet, easy and wonderful.

Love is beautifully complicated.

Love is destructively constructive.

Love is flourishingly ruining.

Love is heart-shatteringly soothing.

Love is painfully curing.

Love is dangerous but makes you feel safer than ever.

Love makes you feel things you could never ever think of feeling. It takes you to places where you never thought you'd visit. It gives you memories, so beautiful memories that you keep falling in love everyday. It makes you a happy person. But above all love hurts. It makes you vulnerable.

It makes your life worth living. Love changes your life, from worst to better and from better to worst. And love had been playing with me, ever since I got to know it. Ever since I fell in love my life had been taking different directions.

Sometimes it made me feel happy. And it wasn't the kind of happiness I felt when Rebecca hugged me, it wasn't the kind of happiness I felt when Josh gave me birthday cards. Love gave me the kind of happiness where my heart swelled, where I could never stop smiling, where I did not have any other thing to accomplish, the real happiness, the one you want to last all your life.

And the other times, it hurt me. It wasn't the kind of hurtfulness I felt when the monsters took Josh, It wasn't like the times when people bullied me. Love hurt me like no body ever had, it was heart-shattering, it was making me doubt my purpose of being in the world, it was the kind of hurtfulness that had turned me into a shell of human, that had turned me into dead. I was alive, I was breathing, my heart was still pumping blood and my heart was still beating but I was dead.

I had decided to talk to Carter because I was worried for him. I had a clear idea about the fact that Carter hated me but I needed to make sure he was okay. Jack told me he had been home at four in the morning and hasn't opened up his room since then.

I had to talk to him and explain things to him so there I was standing in front of his house, my heart beating faster and faster each passing minute. My week fingers rang the doorbell of his house, my eyes descending down towards the floor, embarrassed of myself.

I had an idea of how much of a bitch Carter's parents might think I was. And it made me embarrassed of my actions to the edge. The door opened, revealing a sleepy Mary who smiled as soon as her eyes landed on me. "Sophie!" Her voice sounded like she was glad to see me there.

I smiled back even though I wanted to cry out loud because I knew the affection she demonstrated wasn't going to last long. It would disappear the moment she acknowledged the fact that I had broken her son's heart and not just left him, but betrayed him. I had lied to him and broken my promise even though I never in a million years wanted to do any of it.

She hugged me while patting my back and I copied her actions. "Carter is a mess! Sweetie, did you two fight?" She asked, her voice a whisper as she pulled away. I looked at her in the eyes, shaking my head. My lip quivered and no matter how much I tried to mask my emotions I couldn't.

"Mary– we did not fight. I– betrayed him. I broke my promise, Mary. I know you you might. . . hate me after I tell you this but–" a sob slipped past my lips as I found myself at loss of words. "Mary, I'm getting married to someone. . . my parents set me up with. I love Carter, I really do and I can't live without him but, Mary I'm helpless. I can't go against them," I told her, my voice cracking with tears in my eyes.

"Honey, it's not April!" She chuckled after closing her mouth and getting over the shock. I couldn't understand the meaning behind her words so I remained silent. "Tell me you're kidding." This time her tone was unsure. My silence told her, it was nothing near kidding, it was the truth. As soon as realization dawned upon her, I witnessed her eyes turning into cold and distant, totally opposite from what they were a moment earlier.

"Can I please, just talk to Carter? Please Mary, I need to talk to him." Begging, I looked at her expecting she'd allow. "It'll be the last time, Mary. I promise, just this one time. I really need to talk to him." Mary, eyed me with hatred shining in her eyes as she turned around and went directly to her room. She left the door open, letting me know I could come in.

I made my way towards Carter's room, my heartbeat accelerating. As I reached there I knocked on the door but got no reply from Carter. My hands went to open the door knob and surprisingly it wasn't locked. When I entered into his room, a tear that was hanging in my eye, dropped on my cheek making it's way down my neck.

His room was a mess, a total mess. There were broken alcohol bottles all around the floor. His tables, sofa, bed everything was littered. I found him laying on his stomach on the bed, the lower half of his body exceeding the bed.

Walking towards him, I gulped and sat beside him. My mind kept telling me to keep my distance but my heart constantly argued with it which lead me to reach out for Carter's arm. He flinched as my hand made contact with his body.

I moved my hand to his hair, massaging his head. I kept going until he groaned before turning around. His eyes shot opened like shutters and he stared at me like I was an illusion. Closing his eyes, he sighed before opening them again. This time, he looked at me with a smile on his face. His smile was so refreshing that it made my heart start somersaulting.

"I love you." Carter whispered, his hand finding mine. I nodded at him, wanting with every cell in my body to say it back to him but I held it back. I bit my lip, to stop the sobs from slipping and the tears from escaping. He wrapped an arm around around my waist and brought me close to him as I laid beside him on the bed.

"You know, I had this really weird dream right now. Oh my God, it was frightening." I shook my head, wanting to tell him that it was all reality and not a dream. "You were all dressed getting engaged... oh god!" He rubbed his palms on his face while speaking. "It was the stupidest dream I've ever had." He grunts snuggling even closer to me.

I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't act like everything was fine. I knew it wasn't a dream and I was at his place to talk to him. To make sure he remains safe after I was sacrificing the best thing of my life- my boyfriend; my love.

I pulled away from him, Turning my head away so that I wasn't facing him anymore. Because his face made me weak, it made me wanted to cry on the torture, the game life was playing with me. It made me wanted to stay which was harmful for Carter.

"It– wasn't – a d-dream." My broken voice echoed around the room before I felt Carter standing up from the bed and coming around to face me.

"It was."

"It wasn't."

"It was."

"It wasn't."

"It was!"

"It wasn't!"

"It so was!"

"It so wasn't!"

"It so w-"

"Okay Carter! Stop it! It wasn't a fucking dream, okay?! I wish it was a dream! But wake up! It is reality! I am getting married to Lucas! I'm his fiancée now, Carter! Get it through your brain! It wasn't a dream! It is a sad awakening reality!"

"You know? I'm the bloodiest bitch alive! I'm a whore! A traitor! I'm the worst women on this whole goddamn planet! I wanted to be with you and I love you, I'll never stop loving you but I can't do this Carter. My parents had given my hand in marriage to their business partner's son and I can't do anything but follow their orders." By now I had started to pull my hair out of he scalp.

Carter, who was standing before me, fell to the ground with a loud thud, his eyes and mouth resembling huge tunnels. He grabbed two pieces of broken alcohol bottles in each of his hand and clenched his fists, making me gasp.

I crouched down before him, grabbing his hands, trying to unclench them, but Carter was holding them tightly. I kept trying but he pushed me, making me groan, as I hit the table on the head. "Carter! You're hurting yourself! Are you crazy?! Carter! You're-"

"Yes! I was crazy to fall in love! I shouldn't have! I should've learnt something from Liam! I'm a looser! I was crazy to fall in love in love with you!" He yelled, finally unclenching his fists as I took out a sigh of relief. But the relief was temporary because what my eyes met with afterwards were his bloody hands.

"Oh my God, where's the bandaid?" I asked him freaking out, looking at the blood spilling.

"Why do you even care?!" His yelling made me flinch but I encouraged myself to go to him. I knew he was hurting and it was all my fault. I was the only person responsible for this and I deserved more than just telling from him.

"Carter, I do care. I care a lot, okay? You don't see it, and no sane person would after they know what I did to you, but I care. I love you Carter." I looked down at his hands and gulped reaching out for his face. I placed both of my hands on his cheeks.

"Carter I love you, I really do. But I don't have any other choice. I'm bound to agree with my parents Carter. I'm just helpless, you have to understand that." I let the tears fall from my eyes. "I'm so sorry Carter, I'm so sorry..."

Carter just looked down at his hands and smiled sadly. "Like sorry would correct everything."

"Carter, you have to-"

"I don't have anything to say," he let out chuckling lightly. "I mean just look at the joke life has played upon me! The joke my own girlfriend played upon me. The guy who I thought was just eyeing you in the mall that day turns out to be your freaking fiancé. And who am I? A fucking fling?! A fucking hell of a side-man?!"

I shook my head wildly trying to find words to deny his words from earlier. "I don't understand this Sophia! Why can't you just tell them you can't marry that... that... stupid... green-eyed... girl-snatcher mall guy?"

"Because they've decided it Carter! You think I did not try? I begged them to not do this to me! I did everything in me and I'll keep on doing. But I'm sorry Carter, I'm sorry I can't be with you. I'm so-"

"Again, stop with the apologies! It isn't working! And here I kept thinking you said the truth that you didn't know that stupid guy at mall. Little did I know, he would turn out to be your fiancé! Oh my God, how can I not sense it?! You cheating lying whore!"

This time, I flinched back, not because I was scared of him but because of the hatred radiating off his body. Tears that were running down my cheeks uncontrollably had accelerated and I couldn't bear the pain my heart was in.

"Carter, I didn't– I had– I had no idea who he was! I s-swear! I did not know him at that time! I had just seen him– for the first time that day! I don't want to marry him! He is not the one I love! It's you! But I can't be with you! I can't do that no matter–how much I want to!"

"Why can't we just run? We'll run out of the States! No one would be able to find us! Sophia, we can run away!"

Like that idea never crossed my mind...

"Carter, we can't. My parents are strong and powerful. You have no idea how far their sources go." And they can kill you! I do not want that!

"So that is it?! You throw me away just like that?! What was it? A revenge for the times I've bullied you?!" Carter shouted at me punching the ground with his already bleeding hand.

I was quick to take hold of his hand and rub them soothingly. "No Carter. I would never do that. I can't tell you how much I'm hurting along with you. Carter I have no other choice."

"So you choose him?"

I chose your life, Carter. I chose you Carter. And I'll choose you over and over. Without a pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you. My heart will choose you. Always. I wish you could know.

"I have to Carter. I can't fight my parents. It's not easy, nobody should go through that path."

"And what you should do is leave me?! Why can't you choose the difficult path?!" Carter yelled, snatching his hand away from my grip.

Those difficulties would've killed you!

I wanted to tell him that I was doing all of this for him but I couldn't. I knew that if I told him he wouldn't care about his life and would want to be with me at any cost. It might not look like a big deal to people but it was to me. Even a slightest mistake could cost me my love and I couldn't put him on the stake. I could never.

"Why him? Because he is rich and I'm not? Because he might have looks better than me? You'll have a bright future with him and you might have to starve in near future if you stayed with me? Why him, why not me?"

"Carter, -" I started with my weak attempts of making him deal better but he stopped me from saying anything.

"You know what I realized today? Loving doesn't hurt. Loving the wrong person does." His words were just a whisper but it felt like my heart just passed out from a paper shredding machine. I had tried to not make him hate me for all his life but after what I heard him say I could tell that he would never stop hating me ever again.

"Carter, you- I'm sor-ry. I'm soh soh-rry! I-I can't-" I couldn't complete my sentence because Carter's mouth was on mine, kissing me furiously, like he wanted to punish me for the pain I've made him go through.

Yet, I kissed him back gently because I knew this was the last time we were doing this. This was the last time I was feeling his lips on mine. His kiss changed from furious punishment to a passionate gift. He pulled away staring into my eyes, his thumb caressing my cheek.

"Thank you for making me realize that, ex-girlfriend." I had thought maybe Carter didn't hate me that much because of the kiss but after I heard his words, I understood it was a closure that he needed. That we needed. That our relationship needed.

I wanted to do so much. Talk to him, bandaid his hand, massage his head, make him sleep off all the tiredness. But I ended up picking my bag, looking at his face one last time with a tight smile plastered on it. I tried to smile back at him, the tears that kept leaking not helping the situation.

"Bye, Carter." My feet took me to the door where I turned around to look at him only to find his back facing me. He didn't reply me back even though, I waited some seconds there at his door expecting one from him.

Instead what came was, "close the door on your way!"

I did as I was told and wiped my tears with my sleeves, sighing loudly. I smiled at my success because I had made sure Carter was left untouched. On my way outside, my eyes met Mary and David sitting on the dining table eating pancakes.

"I'm sorry both of you. I hope you guys can forgive me." I stated, reaching out for the pancakes as I took hold of one. It didn't matter whatever they thought of me, I just wanted to taste them one last time. "Oh and David, would you please send some of those to Carter? He loves them." After giving them a wide smile, I walked out of their house and directly to the car.

I waited for my house to come because I didn't want to do anything more than stop the act of appearing strong when I was breaking inside. I wanted to do nothing but reach home and cry all day and all night at the torture life was.

But everything was ruined when I found Amber sitting on the sofa in my room. She witnessed my bloodshot eyes that were getting ready to shed more tears because I was inside my room, out of people's judgemental eyes. But guess what? People's judgemental eyes were inside my room waiting for me to arrive.

"Sister-in-law!" Amber sounded in her enthusiastic tone, greeting me.

"Amber." I tried hard to sound excited but I ended up sounding constipated. Clearing my throat I prayed that I don't meet with a surprise like the other day's. Amber walked towards me and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back trying to figure out the reason behind her presence.

"You weren't feeling well that day. How's your health Sophia?"

"I'm better, thank you for asking Amber. It's not that I don't like you coming here or something, but. . . may I know the reason for your sudden visit?" I inquired.

"You know. . . Umm. . . God, I don't know how to say this!" She exclaimed as she jumped on my bed. After I sat beside her I looked at her with my eyebrows raised. "Okay, so. . . umm- I want to share something with you." A blush crept up her cheeks as she talked about it. The indication to continue from my side was a nod.

"Amber, I'm listening." I assured her again with words this time when she didn't say anything.

"You know, your friend. . . the one who. . . I met that day– when your Dad announced your marriage. I-uh-I kind of, you know, developed a crush on him." Although I had an idea who she was talking about, I needed a confirmation.

"Crush?" My mouth worked without my consent.

"Okay, it isn't just a crush. I like him very much. Very much." She answered me fidgeting with her fingers, her eyes never meeting mine.

"My friend who?" My voice sounded broken but amber was too busy day dreaming to notice that. She looked up at me this time, her eyes containing a very happy fling in them.

"Carter." She sighed calling out his name.

Woah woah woah! That's my man!

He no more is your man!

That doesn't mean she can have him!

That means anyone in this entire world can have him!

I groaned internally as Carter's words from earlier rung in my head. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex.

"Carter?" I questioned, hoping she somehow changes her mind about Carter. I knew it was wrong of me to hold her back from him but I couldn't help it. Out of all the girls out there I couldn't let him be with Amber.