My lungs are crushing me as I try to breathe. The panic inside me is too great that I can barely hold it in. He has not put the handcuffs or restraints on me and it does work better for my advantage but at the same time it only makes me panic even more. I have the knife tucked away and it's a good thing that I was able to get the tip away from my skin but I'm bleeding. He's undressing himself and getting ready while I'm wearing nothing but the sweater as I knew that he would not take the sweater off me.

He doesn't say anything as he's undressing but I can see how eager he is but at the same time he's taking it slow. I have a feeling that he's doing this to make me want him even more but I lied to him, I don't want him. I've never wanted him. The only man that I want is Steel and I can't chance that. I need Steel. He's the only man that I have ever felt safe to be around and I want to be with him and I want to be in his arms and I want him to hod me and make love to me in my own time when I'm ready.

Having the knife so close to me does make me feel safer yet at the same time it puts me in a situation which I'm not sure if I want to be in. This can only end up in three ways, I think. I can either use this knife and stab him or threaten him and get away from here, or I could pull up the knife, and he fights me and wins as he is a fighter, a boxer, and he is much stronger than I am, and he can overpower me easily without even trying that hard, that is how strong he is yet Steel is much stronger, that I know.

Or I could never use that knife and let him do horrible things to me, but he has already done those things so many times that I do not know if it will even make a difference. The pain is always the same and it's always so hurtful and I can't take it but at the same time I have grown used to make myself feel numb and ignore all the pain and delay it until he's done and just fall into oblivion where nothing and no one can find me.

The war inside my head is raging on and at this point I have no idea which side is winning and which side is losing or perhaps it's too quick to even tell by now but time is running out, and he's getting himself ready. I look anywhere but him. If dining comfort in the wall behind him which I have looked at so many times and I know every inch of that wall by heart.

I can already feel then smirk which he is giving me and it doesn't make matters better, only make things worse. The things that he has done, it's so cruel, he's so cruel, and he's so cold. I have to think about Mark. He's dead, and he's never coming back, no matter how much I think about him, Mark isn't coming back. I hate myself for dragging him into this whole thing and it's all my fault that he's dead but there is nothing that I can do to bring him back but I can avenge him by stabbing his brother, the one who killed him.

However, would that not make me the same as him? I think it will. I will not turn into the man that is a monster, I won't become a monster too. If I do this then I will be just like him. I can't do that. Everything is difficult and I'm having a hard time even wining this endless war I have inside my brain. The thoughts are endless, and they are like a raging tornado that is in the middle of a hurricane and it doesn't stop, only spins and spins forever and never runs out of energy.

A pounding headache has started to take over my head and it's making things worse than they already are. This pain that I feel, I can't take it anymore. Just as these thoughts are running through my head, an idea comes through and I find myself thinking that might be the solution but at the same time it isn't. If I stay myself then he has to bring me to the hospital or else I would die or I could just kill me and be done with all of this. That might be a possibility too but I'm not sure about it, I'm not sure about anything.

"You have no idea how much I have been waiting for this, you are begging for me to take you. I'm going to take you so hard that you will beg me to stop but even then, I won't stop. I will go hard and fast until you come undone. Do you hear me?!" He asks me and I did not realize that he is on top of me until he has spoken those words, my mind was so foggy and all over the place that I was unable to even process what he was doing, yet I heard his words.

Slowly I find myself nodding my head because I can't do anything else at this point but all I want to do is say no and get away from here, all I want to do, is use that knife that I have and get myself out of here once and for all and be free once again, I long to be outside and I long to be with Steel again. Just then I realize that I know which side has won the war. I take the knife and slide it along my arm until I hold the handle and then with one quick move I stab him in the back just before he could enter me.