"It's been a month and you're not carrying my child. You had to be punished for it" I hear him say but all I can do is stare down in front of me on what lies in my lap and I can't take it away or shove it away. On that silver tray and under that dome lid is the head of my best friend. Mark's severed head is on that tray and on my lap right now. I can barely even breathe right now. I'm shaking more than I have ever done in my life. My heartbeat is pounding inside my chest and it goes faster than it has ever gone.

There is not much water in my body and the tears are hurting as I force them down. I'm almost sobbing as I stare down at my best friend. How could he do this to him? Mark was a good man and I loved him so much. He stood by me when I needed him, and he was there when I needed. He did not deserve this. "Now, tonight you will become pregnant with my child and you will never leave. Our family will be beautiful and I ain't about to let anything stand in my way" He speaks but I don't want to hear it.

I gulp as my hands touch his hair. It's bloodied and my hands get stained with blood. I refuse to believe that it's Mark. He is far away from all of this mess, and he's not anywhere near here. He's not dead. He's not dead. He's not dead. He can't be dead. I must be having a nightmare. There are times which I can't even tell what is real and what is a memory and what is the most terrible nightmare. Everything is so muddied together that it gets mixed and only the fear remains.

The world becomes blurry after that and I just can't know what is going on. One moment his head is on my lap, and then he's gone, but the blood on my hands remains which means it had to have happened. The tears have stopped as I don't have any tears inside my body or barely any water at all. I don't stare at the wall anymore as my eyes are glued on my hands where his stained blood is on, the drain blood is crusty and yet sticky and it brings these horrible shivers down my spine.

This heavy sadness is on top of me and it's trying to crush me to the ground. The sorrow is just too much for me to handle and I wish it were me who greeted death instead of Mark for he had his whole life ahead of him while I did not. My life was horrible, from the start and no matter how much I tried to change that, I couldn't do it, and I was stuck in this illusion that my life was good but it wasn't and isn't and I need to be free of it. I just want to be free.

This life is like chains that hold me down and I can't get them off. I'm not strong enough to get them off my body and break myself free. Not mentally and definitely not physically. Everything has been drained out of me in the worst way possible and I can't even move at all. I'm frozen to the spot and my body is unable to do anything but stare at my hands. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone and soon I will lose myself too but not to death.

Never can I be where I wish to be. This world is cruel to not allow me this one thing which I desperately want more than anything in then world and it's unfair. He never comes back and I don't know how long is passing nor do I care. All I do is stare at his blood and I realize that I have his blood on my hands. Literally and figuratively. Mark is dead because of me and that can never be justified. This fact only adds up to the reasons why I should not be alive and on this earth.

Mark helped me through so much, and he stood by my side through everything. He's been there for me for so long and now he's dead, and he will never achieve the things that he wants. He's an architect, and he had so many dreams of designing houses for the poor and homeless, and he was planning on getting deals to have those houses made where those people did not have to pay for their houses or anything. He was a good person and I hate how life was so cruel to him.

Even through all of this I find myself wishing for someone that I have come to deeply care for. Steel. I would not be able to handle it if he were to die too. I just would not... I can't do it. I can't think about it. Steel is going to live. He has to, and he will live his life with people, and he will meet other girls that aren't as messed up as I am. He takes them out to restaurants like he did to me, and he will cook for them and keep them safe and make them feel like the world is happy, and he will love them.

The thought that Steel will find another girl breaks me more than I thought it would and I can't know why. My mind can't even think. All that I can think about is the pain that I'm going through. My heart is literally broken beyond repair and my soul is gone and I'm losing myself. My body is in constant agony everywhere that is like waves inside me that always crush down as hard as they can everywhere, and the pain never ends. It never ends no matter what.