With Cayden and I fully and confidently together, there was a little bit of a shift in our dynamic. I felt a little less bold with her because I felt like I had something to lose. Suddenly, planning to meet up seemed a little scary. What if she didn't like me? What if things really went wrong? Within forty-eight hours of us basically being exclusive, I started going to bed feeling sick to my stomach over how things were going to go.

Even worst of all, Christmas was here, which meant everyone leaving campus to go spend the holiday with their families.

Normally, I didn't mind breaks that much. Sebastian going home without me did make me feel a little freer and I actually preferred when he was in his hometown rather than on campus. With Cayden, it's so different, especially since everything between us is so new. I felt a sense of relationship anxiety. It was like I didn't want to be apart, and I also didn't want her to suddenly decide she didn't like me. What if she went home and she realized she had better options? Or she went home and realized she didn't want to date anyone at all for the time being?

I also had so many other questions. Did her family know about Zera? Would we tell our families about each other? I wasn't sure how confident I felt about opening up to my family about being gay or seeing Cayden, who's Sebastian's ex. Even though the Meleri estate was a couple of hours away from my house, I know my parents would stick us all in a car and get this situation figured out. Even though I didn't want there to be a situation at all.

"Avina," my mom said from across the table. "You've been staring blankly into the cranberry sauce for a little bit. Is everything okay?"

I looked back at her, reading her concerned expression, but I knew she was only worried I'd say something like oh I dropped out of college. "Totally fine. Just thinking about the spring semester," I said. That was my go-to for everything—the lie came out as easily as telling the truth.

I didn't really talk to my family about anything personal, mostly due to their high standards and judgemental opinions. They were well connected to Sebastian's family due to me, but my college life still felt separate from them. I liked having that boundary, my parents and I were close, but weren't that close. The degree of separation was somewhat mutual. My parents didn't really ever ask questions about what I was up to unless I shared it. The balance was delicate, but it seemed like the most efficient way for us to function.

"Alright, well, can you pass the rolls?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said and passed the plate across to her. I dug into my food, looking around at my extended family. I wondered who Cayden was celebrating her Christmas with. What traditions did they have? Did they do a traditional homecooked meal, or did they all just say fuck it and order delivery? There was so much I still wanted to learn about her and somehow all of it—even the most mundane details—felt exciting.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled it out, hoping it was Cayden. I smiled when I saw her name.

My smile grew as I read the texts. She misses me... I shook the giddy feelings growing in my warm chest before I typed up a quick response.

As if she were in our conversation, waiting for my response, the thought bubble popped up indicating she was typing.

I smiled at her confirmation before typing back a response.

As I sent the text I left Cayden and I's conversation, to double-check the group chat I had with Jade and Jaci. Reading over their texts, they indeed said they were staying at their families' houses until Tuesday. Even though their families reside in New York, they normally stay longer for Christmas rather than Thanksgiving. My phone buzzes again with a text from Cayden.

I smirked before typing.

"Avina," my dad said. "Help grab the plates from the table."

"Coming," I said and put my phone face down on the table.

I'd never been so excited to go back to New York, knowing I'd be seeing Cayden. I was genuinely looking forward to seeing her.

But the closer I got as I rode in the Uber, the more nervous I felt. What if things were weird? I forced all of the thoughts out of my head. Cayden hadn't given any indication that she didn't want to see me. We had clear plans and she hadn't backed out. She'd never once left me hanging—she was always consistent when we had plans.

It will be fine, I told myself.

The Uber pulled up in front of the familiar brownstone and I walked inside, unpacking the weekender bag I'd brought with me to my parents' house. Afterward, I hopped in the shower where I thought about Cayden the entire time. I thought about her hands on me, the way her mouth felt against mine. I'd grown to really miss her while we were apart. Sleeping alone felt sad in a way now that I had someone I wanted to sleep next to.

Cayden texted me saying she was on her way. I finished blow-drying my hair before pulling on soft tan leggings and a baby blue sweatshirt. My long brown hair was down while my face remained bare and tan furry socks clung to my feet. I felt warm and excited.

When I heard the door open, I nearly jumped up. My heart slammed in my chest. "Vi?" Cayden said.

"Hey, I'm in the living room," I said and walked to meet her. Cayden looked amazing—her accessorized smile was perfect and glowing, her silky dark hair down and messily flipped over into a side part. She's wearing a brown sweater that easily clings to her frame with loose black jeans and her familiar black-rimmed Ful-Vue glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. She looked perfect. "Wow," I said, the word slipping out before I could stop it. Thankfully, Cayden didn't seem to hear it.

"Hey," Cayden walked up to me and gently kissed me. "How was your break?"

"It was good, I saw some family," I said. "I got some wine if you want some?" I offered, gesturing to the kitchen.

"That would be great," she said and I smiled as we walked into the kitchen. I filled two glasses and handed one of them to her before we walked over to get settled into the couch. "I don't think I've ever really seen your living room."

"Yeah, I guess not," I said.

"Tell me more about your Christmas," she said, and I was surprised—and a little disappointed—by how much that meant to me. Were my expectations really so low that someone asking me a question was charming to me?

"It was fine," I said. "Different than our usual Christmas's since it was at my house, but we had more family over, food was fine, drank a fair amount of wine, watched some football."

"Seems nice," Cayden said.

"What did you get up to? Were you with family?" Cayden took a long sip of wine and I was reminded of some family drama she'd vaguely mentioned. There hadn't been much that'd come up, but I knew it was there. "We don't have to talk about it," I said.

"No, no," she said. "It was fine for me, too. I did see some family. Pretty much like every Christmas—my dad and I just don't really get along that well, so it's hard to be in the same place as him for an extended period of time. I always feel weird staying with him."

"That makes sense," I said. "Holidays are hard. It brings up a lot of family things."

Cayden nodded. "That's for sure."

"Where exactly are you from again?" I asked, not wanting to say I don't really know that much about you but that basically being the implication. I knew she and Sebastian had been neighbors for a long time, but did she move to a different area?

She cleared her throat, telling me she didn't exactly want to get into it.

"We don't have to talk about that either," I said. "I'm sorry. I... I don't really date that much. I've forgotten what's okay to ask about straight out of the gate."

"No," Cayden said and then shook her head. "No, no. We told each other we were going to do this. It wouldn't be fair to keep parts of myself from you."

"What are you about to tell me? This feels serious somehow," I said, sitting up a little straighter. "Were you married previously or something?"

"Nothing like that," Cayden said, laughing a little. The tension seemed to ease the slightest bit. "My parents... had to relocate because my dad changed jobs. They kept the old house, but we really only use it every once in a while."

"Okay," I said, trying to wrap my head around keeping the old house while moving. What exactly did Cayden's parents do?

"My dad has been living basically full-time in Florida since my freshman year of high school," she said. "I stayed up here with my mom in the old house, to get my business up and running since I wanted to build something in New York. It was for the best though since all my dad and I do when we're together is argue. My mom and I are a little bit better but we mostly mind our business. She would fly down most weekends to see my dad anyways."

Fly down every weekend? I thought, calculating how much that would add up to.

"Sorry, Cay," I said, holding my glass. "But... I... what do your parents do?"

Cayden smirked a little bit. "It's going to sound like a joke."

"No, it's okay."

"My mom doesn't work," Cayden said and then inhaled. "My dad is an NFL coach."

I laughed. "What?"

"I'm serious," she said. "He works for the Dolphins, that's why he relocated. It's really weird talking about it, so I don't really do it often. I'm surprised Sebastian never told you, but I guess that's the one thing about him—he usually keeps secrets if he's told to keep something under wraps."

"A coach..." I said, trying to process what she was saying.

"It's a lot. It sounds like a joke when I say it," Cayden repeated. "But it's true."

"Wow," I said.

"But that's just... my relationship with my dad was complicated before that. So all of the weird distance and my inability to communicate and pretty much everything else is connected back to him."

I looked at her, taking in her perfect face. She was so soft in that moment, so vulnerable. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I reached my hand out, locking our fingers together. Then, I put my glass down and leaned forward, pulling her in for a soft kiss. "A clean slate," I said, my voice low. "Everything that happened before doesn't affect us now."

"Okay," Cayden said and then nodded a little bit, as if convincing herself. "Okay."

I pulled her in for another kiss, this one even deeper. Her lips were soft against mine, warm and familiar. I loved kissing her always, no matter what kind of kiss, but the real, gentle kind was on an entirely different planet. It made me feel like I was flying, or like I was the luckiest girl in the world.

Just as I was starting to get into it, I heard the front door open. I quickly convinced myself I was just hearing things until I heard it close, and the sound of keys jangling.

Cayden and I broke apart immediately, knowing we were going to be in deep shit.