I got home still thinking about Cayden, the temptation to text her growing stronger with every passing minute. It was becoming the kind of thought that I couldn't shake—I'd spent so much time obsessing over texting her, obsessing over what we'd say, what would happen next, that I felt like I just had to do it. I needed the release of just moving on.

I walked inside, realizing it was later than I'd expected. Kori and I had spent a while chatting.

"Hey!" Jaci greeted me, her eyes a little glazed over and red. She had a dopey smile on her face. "Just making myself something to eat before going to bed."

"Sounds great," I said, surprisingly relieved to see her. Since Sebastian and I broke up, it felt like there'd been a weird wedge that had developed between me and Jade and Jaci. We weren't spending nearly as much time together, which told me that they were probably still going out with our old friends and didn't want me to come to avoid the drama. I still didn't understand why I was the one who'd been cut when Sebastian was the one who'd hurt me.

"I'm excited about it," she said. "I spent, like, all day studying ahead for spring semester to the point that I didn't even bother with wanting to go out. I just ended up smoking and now I'm here. I somehow got, like, six episodes deep into The Kardashians without realizing."

I laughed. "A great night, in my opinion."

Jaci looked at me, frowning a little. "What's up Vina? You seem sad."

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to play dumb like Jaci wouldn't be able to read any feelings I was having. Jade, too. It was basically impossible to keep anything from them. It was honestly a miracle I'd been able to hide everything with Cayden for as long as I had.

"You're not talking much. I feel like I haven't really seen you around."

I shrugged. "Lots of stuff going on, I guess. Trying to figure out things with Griffin, trying to handle getting ahead for school, trying to cope with everything with..."

"Sebastian," Jaci said, nodding. "Does it hurt your feelings that we're still going out with him?"

I wasn't sure how to respond. I'd never been good about boundaries—it was why Sebastian would get away with pretty consistently emotionally abusing me—and I never knew how to handle it until it was too late. By then, it was like a train going too fast. There was no way to stop it before someone would get hurt, usually me.

I didn't think it was any of my business to tell Jade and Jaci whether they could or couldn't hang out with Sebastian but, then again, maybe it was my business. They'd been my friends first and were hugely important to me. Against any of J&J's knowledge, Sebastian had already been violent, up until he had gotten physical with me—and rather than spending more time with me, they'd been off doing their own thing and hanging out with Sebastian. They'd basically just gone back to our old lives, just without me.

"I guess it does hurt," I said. But I was worried that even saying that was pushing things too far. What if I upset Jaci? No one liked to hear that they'd hurt someone, especially someone they cared about.

"I'm sorry, Vina," Jaci said. "I really am. I know the situation is super weird."

"It's alright," I said, not sure why I was being so passive. Why did I always roll over and let people run my life for me? Why was I not taking over the reins and telling people exactly how I felt? I was worried about hurting feelings and burning bridges while it felt like no one was giving me the same concern.

"Did you see Griffin tonight?" Jaci asked.

"No, actually," I said, too tired to completely lie to her. I had way too many feelings and desperately needed to vent, even in a roundabout way. "Things have been kind of messy with him. I tried to go home with someone new but it just... I don't know."

"It's hard," Jaci said, nodding.

"Yeah. It was just different. Too soon, I guess. Too many new things while the old things are fresh in my mind."

"It's okay to just be single, Vina. I know dating is great and finding a rebound is great, but if it feels too soon, it probably is."

It was probably the wisest thing Jaci had ever said to me. I knew it was true, but I also knew the only reason I was feeling the way I was, was because of Cayden. I'd been hurt and I wanted closure, and I probably wouldn't feel any sense of balance until I had it.

"I'll figure it out," I said.

"Okay," Jaci said and put her snack on a plate to bring upstairs. "You're hot, okay? Please remember that."

I smiled a little. "Thanks, Jac."

Not long after Jaci went to bed, I went to my own bedroom to sleep. I was exhausted from the day, exhausted from fighting off a desire to cry nonstop. I was embarrassed by how much Cayden was affecting me. There was no reason why I should be taking anything between us so seriously, but I still did. She'd said she was into me, she'd said she wanted to be with me. But then I got nothing. I was having a really hard time coping.

I laid down in bed, stripping off my clothes and curling up under my sheets nearly fully naked. I was too tired to deal with pajamas or getting ready for bed. I just wanted to sleep off the day and the alcohol that was still in my system. I wanted to forget how gross I felt being in Kori's house and how bad the mistakes were that I was making.

I quickly started to doze off, thankful to be alone and to be back in my own space. I felt like myself a little bit more.

Eventually, in my sleep, I heard the door open.

"Vi," I heard, whispered. Cayden.

My heart started racing and I sat up. "What are you doing here?"

"I had to come talk to you," Cayden said and sat down on the edge of my bed. "I'm so sorry about everything. I'm here."

"You haven't been here, though," I said, and I felt tears forming. I was immediately embarrassed by my reaction.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Cayden said and she pulled me into a hug. I cried in her arms.

"There's just so much going on. I feel like I've completely lost track of my life. I don't know what to do anymore. I have so many secrets and I keep doing things to hurt other people and then end up only hurting myself."

"I'm sorry," Cayden repeated. "I'm so sorry."

I sniffled and rubbed my tears away, looking her in the eyes. She had the most beautiful face of anyone I'd ever met. It was no wonder I'd been so desperate to go home with the first woman who gave me attention—how do you get over a woman like Cayden?

I kissed Cayden, pulling her close to me. I loved the feeling of being with her, I loved having her attention on me. In so many ways, it felt like we were supposed to be together. I felt comfortable with her in a way I'd never felt comfortable with anyone else ever before. I loved learning about her life and hearing her thoughts. She made me feel safe. The fact that she didn't see that in me hurt so deeply that it was hard to even think about her sometimes, nonetheless looking at her. She was like looking into the sun.

I laid back on the pillow, reaching my hand out so she wouldn't go anywhere. I wanted her with me, I never wanted her to leave.

But, then, I woke up.