I looked at Kori, genuinely considering my options. I was drunk enough and lonely enough that going home with her seemed extremely appealing. But I was also still aware enough of my actions to know that, mostly, I just missed Cayden. I was furious at her and wished she'd just talk to me, but I was also hurt and a little desperate for her attention. More than anything, I wanted to stare at my phone, willing her to text me.

But I also knew that wasn't healthy. I could wait for a long time for Cayden with nothing in return. I could end up pushing people away and not doing anything for me all because I was worried about hurting her feelings. It didn't seem like she was paying me the same courtesy, so why was I so worried about her?

"Sure," I said, looking right at Kori. I tried to channel any amount of confidence in my decision. She was extremely attractive and her personality was nice enough, but my words were not necessarily enthusiastic. I hoped she couldn't tell.

Kori smiled a little, making me feel genuinely guilty. I just hoped that she wasn't actually interested in me and was only looking for a one-night stand. Realistically, that was what most people were looking for anyway, right?

My stomach was in knots as we left the bar. I tried not to think too much about the reality of the situation and the direction of the night, but it was hard to get out of my head. I'd be going to someone else's house, seeing someone else's room. Really, all I wanted was to go to Cayden's.

"Since we're in Midtown, I'm like a twenty-minute drive away," Kori said. "I hope that's okay."

"Yeah, that's cool," I said, even though everything in me said that I should just go home instead. The more the alcohol settled in my system, the sadder I got. I wanted to make the bad decision to text Cayden and wanted to demand that she talk to me and explain what was going on. I wanted to tell her that I tried to go home with someone else but couldn't because all I was doing was thinking of her.

I kept my face unreadable as we rode in the Uber, making small talk with Kori the entire way. She seemed surprisingly cool about the entire thing. It was like we were good friends just going back to her house to drink and chill rather than going back to have sex.

While it felt weird being with Kori—everything about her was totally different from Cayden—I saw some charm about her. She was nice and mild-mannered and easy to read. Her face was open and her body language softer. She seemed like the kind of person who wanted a relationship or had the desire to fall in love. Cayden had never given me that kind of energy, even though I'd assumed that maybe she'd be capable of it.

I don't know why I ever assumed I'd be different. I don't know why I thought I'd ever be the kind of girl Cayden would stop everything for to be with. I mean, what reason would Cayden have to stay with me?

It did hurt that she'd made it pretty clear she was interested in me, though. It hurt to go through all of that with her, only to be dropped without a second thought.

I just wished she would text me.

"This is it," Kori said, gesturing to the large red-bricked building as we got out of the Uber. The building was tall and had large black-lined windows along with a cute arched front door. A few lights were on in the building, which led me to assume she had a neighbor or two.

The moment was becoming far too real and I didn't know how to back myself out of it. Everything in me was screaming to stop, but it was getting harder and harder to turn back. Kori seemed nice enough to say no to, but I just wasn't sure. This would be my second time rejecting her.

After entering through the arched front door, we walked down the hall lined with clean white walls and wood floors that had only two front doors adjacent to one another. Kori used her key to open one of the doors to the right, leading us into her place.

The studio apartment was cute, it was decorated with many different decorations that contrasted against one another. The kitchen, dining room, and living room took up the large space as the busy city was captured through the insanely large window. Oddly enough the aesthetic photos lining some of the walls reminded me of Cayden's condo and how she had similar photos with the black metal frames, but I know they were somewhat different since Kori probably took hers herself. She is majoring in photography after all, which should make her different from Cayden. In the living room, a staircase made of black metal led up to what I assumed was a bedroom, which is where I assumed we'd end up later.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Kori asked. "We have water, seltzer, booze..."

"Water would be great," I said.

"Coming right up," Kori said and walked into the modern industrial-styled kitchen.

I walked over to the living room before sitting down on the brown leather couch near the large square window, looking around the room. The apartment was really cute. It felt safe and easygoing, the kind of place I could get comfortable in. I tried to imagine what dating Kori would look like but came up short. It'd probably be lots of nice trips—things like going to the beach with her family or exploring the city with her friends. Since she's so in love with her camera, she'd probably take cute pictures of me when I'd just woken up, and later we'd look through them deciding which ones are appropriate enough to hang up while our limbs intertwined in her soft sheets.

The thought should excite me. It should sound pleasant and welcome.

But now that I had someone new—now that I'd tried Cayden's lifestyle, where everything was a little bit of a mystery, and everything felt big and intense—I didn't know if Kori would be a fit for me.

You're thinking too much, I thought. Just get over yourself already.

Kori walked back in with two cups of water and handed one to me. She sat down on the couch a respectable distance away, like she didn't want to invade my personal space but also didn't want to give off the signal she wasn't interested in me. It was sweet.

I took a sip from my cup. "You have a great apartment."

"Oh, thanks," Kori said, looking around. "I'm probably not the best interior designer since I just put up whatever looks unique or different, but at least I don't have any roommates to worry about y'know?"

Suddenly, I felt a pang of sadness at realizing my roommates might not ever know I was with Kori. I wanted to tell J&J where I was and who I was with. I wanted to be able to complain about Cayden—not just Griffin disguised as Cayden—and talk about how things went with Kori.

I'd known I'd really liked Cayden, but I hadn't realized she'd already colored so much of my life. I was starting to find it hard to not see her in everything and everywhere I was. Everything Kori did, I thought about how Cayden would've done it. Or how she had done it. It was impossible to shake.

I bit back any venomous feelings, not wanting to accidentally start venting aloud to Kori when we were probably about to hook up. Bringing up a past fling just before having sex with someone else probably wasn't status quo and didn't seem like a great call.

Kori and I chatted for a little while, going over the boring details about college. She told me about her internship in France during her junior year of college and how challenging photography really is when you have the weight of deadlines and graded assignments on your shoulders. She was nice and friendly and even funny. Mostly, I liked that she was easy to talk to.

Then, suddenly, Kori looked at me. "So... can I be honest?"

"Yeah, of course," I said, kind of nervous about what she was about to say. I felt a small amount of hope that she'd tell me she wasn't interested in me and she'd misjudged the situation. Then, I was pissed at myself for hoping that was what she'd say to me.

"I've been thinking about kissing you all night," Kori said. "And I feel bad for not trying to make a move on you—it's just I want to tread carefully after what happened that night at the club and I didn't want to come off too strong. I also don't want to be presumptuous but you came home with me after the bar—unlike that night at the club—which suggests that maybe you were considering sleeping with me?"

I looked at her, a little stunned. I didn't know what to say.

"But, I don't want you to take it personally that I haven't made a move yet. And I hope you haven't. I just tend to sleep with people really quickly and then things get really messy, and I just can't do another round of highs and lows like that. It's fucking exhausting."

For the first time, I really connected with Kori. I felt my walls start to break down a little bit. "I completely understand."

"I really don't want anything messy and I think my usual approach is messy and I need to change it up," she said. "My bad, I know I'm so blunt with communication, but I'm starting to realize my dating history is so fucked up because of me and I need to work on it."

"Yes," I said nodding. "Yes, totally. I completely understand. And I actually really appreciate that you communicate since people never seem to do with me."

Kori looked relieved. "It makes things so much easier when people just talk to each other."

"Yes!" I said. It was like she knew exactly what I'd been going through with Cayden.

"I am interested though. I just don't want to push anything, and I really just want to get to know you. I just don't think I want to have sex tonight—nothing against you. I just would rather spend more time with you first."

Despite my best efforts, I felt relief. And then I felt like an asshole for being relieved that she said that.

"You're still more than welcome to crash, though, since I've kept you here for so long. I can even fold out the couches if that makes you more comfortable."

"No, no," I said, feeling like I'd been basically handed a get-out-of-jail-free card. "This is fine. This actually... works out super well for me."

It was Kori's turn to look relieved. "Okay, hopefully, this doesn't make things weird."

"No not even a little bit," I said, feeling like the biggest bitch on the planet. I knew there was nothing wrong with not wanting to sleep with someone, but I felt lucky that Kori could not hear my thoughts about her. I'd been judgemental and rude all night to someone who didn't deserve it, all because my feelings were hurt. I'm honestly lucky that it all turned out like this considering I had already rejected her before.

"I'll call you an Uber?"

"No, I got it," I said and booked my own.

Kori and I chatted more as we waited for my ride to arrive and then, once the car pulled up. Kori kissed me on the cheek. The moment was so sweet, for a moment, I realized I could maybe come to like her. I just knew I had my own shit I had to take care of first.

I needed to text Cayden.