I have accepted that being content is the closest that I am ever going to get to me being happy. My medication does a really good job of suppressing the feelings I should have and not doing shit for the ones they're supposed to be fixing. And although I sounded really bitter a couple of moments ago about not being able to be happy, I don't actually mind.

Because I am content around Kristina and it feels great.

"So what are you going to get me for our anniversary?" Kris suddenly asked me, turning her attention away from the twins' conversation about tofu. I don't know why they're always so interested in food, but I guess that it's better than them being interested in something bad. Like alcohol or drugs.

Or dying.

I rolled my eyes. "Air? Another month of not stabbing you?" I answered hopefully, and she flicked my ear playfully.

By next week, Kris and I will have been together for one month.

A whole month of me being around someone for more than an hour a day and not stabbing or even attempting to stab them. A whole month of me having to keep up a productive conversation with someone and care about what we're talking about. A whole month of cheesy pickup lines and cheesy pizza.

But most importantly, it has been a whole month of me being, what is probably, the closest thing to happy I'll ever be. A whole month of (little to) no homicidal thoughts. A whole month of me not wanting to take out the razor taped under my desk.

And all of that sounds pretty good to me.

"I know what I'm getting you. Though I'll have to give some of the credit to Cole because he helped." She admitted and now I glared at her. That is cheating.

Aren't you glad that this is the type of cheating that she's doing though? I suppose, but I don't have anyone helping me get anything for her, so I'm in trouble. You have me. Please, you'll probably make me get her a poster that says 'run away'. And what's so wrong with that? Get out.

"Well, then Cole can help me get you something since you two are so buddy-buddy," I muttered and she kissed my cheek, her lips spreading into a gentle smile against my skin.

"You know I thought about that when I went to talk to him, so I told him not to help you." She mentioned casually and I turned towards her with a harsh glare.

"So you get to ask for help, but I can't?!" I all but yelled.

Everyone sitting at our table and the tables around us turned around with worried expressions, but Kris just waved them off and focused on me. Despite the fact that I had just spoken to her in my 'I want to kill you' tone, she was still giving me that loving smile. This only succeeded in making me want to punch her even more.

"Can I be honest with you?" She asked quietly, looking down at our conjoined hands.

"Sure," I said simply, avoiding using my sarcastic tone. She looks as if she is about to say something serious, so she'll only get sad if I try to make a joke out of it.

"You know how much I care about you right? There is no doubt in your mind that there is nothing I wouldn't do for you?" She asked, gripping onto my hand tightly.

I tilted my head, watching her with an expressionless face.

She isn't wrong. Though my behavior doesn't show it, I know that Kristina treats me like a queen. She treats me better than a lot of spouses treat each other and she's known me for barely three months.

I eventually nod in response, and she licked her lips before speaking again.

"I don't get that feeling from you..." She trailed off quietly, and then took a deep breath. "I know that you care about me more than you do a lot of other people, but that's still not very much; It's not enough for me. It would just mean a lot to me if you tried to get the gift by yourself."

She spoke very quickly and looked at the ground the entire time she spoke, but I heard her. I also understood what she meant, even if she didn't explain it very much.

The fact that she had the courage to tell me this made my love grow for her a little more. I know and she knows that I'm not the easiest to confront about anything that has to do with emotions. Even with this though, she still trusted me to not throw a fit and to have an actual conversation with her.

She respects me.

"Kristina," I whispered, placing my hand under her chin to tilt her face towards mine. Her expression was worried but hopeful.

"I'm going to buy the gift myself, I promise," I reassured her, before placing my lips gently against hers.

Her slips were slow to react, most likely because I'm never the one to initiate the kiss. Kris is right though; I need to try more.

"I would tell them to stop, but this is the perfect opportunity for me to steal her sandwich." I hear Jasper whisper from across the table.

I pull away from Kris, but not before placing a small kiss on the base of her throat. I turn towards the twins with an annoyed glare and a patience level in the negatives.

"If either of you two touches my sandwich, I will decapitate you and leave your heads in the middle of a desert for vultures to eat your eyeballs." I hissed at them, and Adam immediately went to hide behind his brother. I guess we know which one is more of a wimp now.

Jasper pouted and got up from the table to wrap me in a hug. My first thought was to stab him with my hairpin, but then I remembered that it was Jasper and he made me laugh, which makes him valuable to me.

"I'm sorry Adri." He whined, and I rolled my eyes at him before pushing him away from me.

"Whatever. Why don't you guys just ask me to make extra sandwiches for you guys?" I asked, watching their facial expressions brighten.

They shouldn't get too excited. I mean, I'm most likely going to put something extra in the sandwich. We have plenty of anthills in our backyard.

But they don't need to know that.

"Can you please?" They begged in sync and I shrugged with a smile on my face.

"Of course!" I responded cheerily and they smiled back at me before turning to squeal with each other.

Bella, and her innocent soul, was also excited. Zoe on the other hand snorted in response, throwing me a knowing look while Kris was staring a face of amusement into the side of my face.

At least there will be two people who can take them to the hospital afterward.

Δ

"Adri! Push me higher!" Ellie complained and I smiled before complying with her wishes. As I pushed Ellie higher on the swing, I watched Kris buy us ice cream from a little cart a little ways away.

When we picked Ellie up from school today, she insisted on going to the park today. I really didn't think that we'd be able to because Cole doesn't like us being in crowded public places without him. When I called to ask him for permission though, he also insisted that we go to the park. Then Kris insisted she stay at the park with us.

There was a lot of insisting going on this evening.

"Ellie, look what I've got." Kris sang, holding the three ice cream cones over her head as she walked back over to us.

Ellie let out an excited squeal and jumped out of the swing, while it was still in motion.

At the same time, my heart jumped out of my chest, the air jumped out of my lungs and my consciousness almost jumped out of my brain.

Three cheers to my consciousness for keeping it together for once.

"Ellie if you ever do that again, I will hide all of your crayons." I wheezed once I was able to arrange a few straggling thoughts together.

Ellie waved off the threat and ran up to Kris with her arms up in an eager manner. Kris looked just as happy as Ellie as she handed her her ice cream. Probably because she gets enjoyment from seeing me distressed.

Ellie ran off into the field, spinning in circles as she simultaneously ate her ice cream. I opened my mouth to tell her to stop, but after watching her for a few seconds and not seeing her fall, I decided to let her have it.

"Your sister is lovely." Kris cooed, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards a bench. I rolled my eyes and began to sit down on the bench, but stopped when Kris pulled me back.

I almost showed her how colorful my vocabulary is, but when she sat down and promptly pulled me into her lap, I decided that I wasn't really all that mad anymore.

I heard Kris sigh in relief before she handed me my ice cream. I smirked and kissed her cheek as a thank you, before turning my attention back to Ellie.

"You don't think she'll get sick, running around like that?" Kris asked amused.

I shrugged. "I don't think so. She'll just be tired, which means she'll be easier to put to sleep later."

Kris laughed, running a hand through my hair. "Spoken like a true parental figure."

I'm glad that I've chosen Ellie as my one thing not to fuck up in life, but it also sucks for a few reasons.

1. She has two parents. Two parents who are perfectly capable of taking care of her, but are too lazy to. This means their two eldest children, particularly the eldest, are doing their best to raise her while also having their own life.

2. Why is there only one thing I haven't fucked up in my life?

Δ

"Are you sure you don't want my help bringing her inside?" Kris asked for the millionth time as I picked Ellie up from the back seat.

Sure enough, the running around plus the ice cream had worn her down in about 20 minutes. She probably won't wake up for dinner or anything, but at least I won't have to chase her into bed.

"I'm positive Kristina. I'm also positive that you're a complete worrywart." I joked before leaving over into her car window to peck her lips.

She glared but nevertheless sighed and conceded. As I walked up the pathway to my house, I could feel her eyes on my back.

"Bye Adri!" She called out when I opened my door, and I smiled back at her before closing the door.

As I adjusted Ellie on my hip, I noticed the silence in the house. I know that Cole is probably working, but it was still unusually quiet.

For once I get the quiet I've been begging for and I'm complaining.

Ignoring the house's stale atmosphere, I took Ellie up to her room and thought about what I was going to get Kris. Even though I'm not completely sure what to get her yet, I do know I want it to be expensive. And because Cole doesn't trust me with money, I'm going to have to go and get it from him myself.

With this in mind, I closed Ellie's door on my way out and stomped my way up to his office. If he would just give me a credit card, I wouldn't have this problem. But no, apparently if you use a credit card to try a plane ticket to Japan one time, that's all that's going to happen if you get a credit card again.

When I got to his office, I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes before stepping in. I hate that I have to ask him for money because he'll probably know it's for Kristina and he'll probably tease me about wanting to get her something nice or actually caring.

I don't bother knocking because he always keeps it unlocked, just in case I need to tell him the house is on fire or something.

"Big brother, I'm going to need-"

When my eyes focused on my brother's figure, I immediately wished that I hadn't been born with eyes. I wished that they were never a factor in the human body. I wished that I could claw them out of my face.

The blood in my body had rushed down to my feet, my mouth was open to try and breathe in any type of sense from the scene happening in front of me.

Tabitha is sitting on my brother's lap. His shirt is undone. Her hair is wild. Lipstick stains are on his neck. His hands are on her waist.

Unfortunately, I saw this for a while but eventually, it didn't matter because it all turned red.

"You stupid, fucking, whore!" I shrieked, hurling the first thing my hand connected with, which was a vase, towards Tabitha's head.

I heard her scream and then watched her duck away, but I didn't register it.

I leaped at her body to tackle her, but two arms wrapped around me from behind. Usually, this meant "stop". This is supposed to mean stop. Why aren't I stopping?

"I'm going to kill you, you fucking bitch!" I screamed at her, before wiggling out of Cole's hold to attack her again.

This time the vase that I threw at her didn't miss but the shattered pieces exploded, landing mostly on me. I saw blood running down my shaking skin from the corner of my eye, but again this didn't mean stop.

This meant the bitch still isn't dead.

Tabitha dove to get the syringe from under my brother's desk, and my brain registered that this is meant to the end of this. I am supposed to be cowering in fear and sobbing. My brain knows that it is meant to be on shutdown and I am supposed to be apologizing for being such a fuck up.

Instead, I throw a chair at her.

This time when Cole grabbed me he held me tighter than before and tried to pull me away. And I let him for a while but then I realized that he had invited her inside.

He invited the devil into the one slither of safe haven I have and let her defile it.

When I broke away from him this time, I backed away from them both.

"How could you?" My voice croaked, breaking in the same way my heart was. The tears were falling and mixing in with my bloodied arms and cheeks. The shaking was pushing the shards from the vase deeper into my skin, but I didn't care.

I want to know how the person I love most could do something like this to me.

"Adri..." He whispered gently, but I shook my head before taking off.

I took off down my stairs and out of my door.

I took off down the street and into the city.

I took off into an alley and behind a dumpster.

I took off into a dark place into my mind that I will never come back from.