I nervously fiddled with my dress which put an amused smile on Kris's face. Of course, she would take amusement in me being uncomfortable. She takes amusement in the weirdest of things.

This is coming from the girl who laughed when she broke her classmate's arm for stealing her sandwich. I was in the fifth grade, I didn't know any better; besides, he made a really funny noise when it happened. And I'm the fucked up one.

"You look fine Adri. It's not that fancy of a place anyway." Kris reassured, patting my knee with the hand she wasn't using to drive. All she got in return from me was a glare.

"I don't understand why we can't just go to Sebastio's. I don't really care about the location that much." I whined, throwing my head back.

Kris decided that me letting her take me on a date is a part of me giving her a chance. When she originally told me this I didn't mind, I thought that it was a great idea. That was because I thought a date was ordering Sebastio's, wearing pajamas and watching a movie.

"Because we always get Sebastio's and this date is supposed to be us doing something different."

All of these rules and regulations that have been coming with this trial have really been bumming me out.

She intertwined her fingers with mine and I glared at the pair of hands. I hate how even though I'm upset at her and want to throw myself off of a cliff, I can still want to hold hands with the loser who makes me feel that way.

When we got to the restaurant, the only thing that I could focus on was the number of cars in the parking lot. If there are a lot of cars in the parking lot, then that means that there are even more people inside the building. This means that there is a much higher chance that someone will say something stupid and I'll end up having to strangle them.

How am I going to be able to eat dinner with blood all over my hands?

"You've got a look on your face and we haven't even left the car yet," Kris noted as she took her key out of the ignition.

To be fair, I always have this look on my face. The great Will Grayson said it best: I'm always in a constant state of either wanting to kill myself or wanting to kill everyone around me.

"Are you sure that you want to take me...here?" I asked with distaste, glancing back at the restaurant.

Kris pouted. "Do you not like Italian?" And there's our first stupid question of the night.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I like Italian Kristina. It's the number of people here that I'm worried about. What if I have a breakdown? I don't want to-"

"You're not going to embarrass me." She reassured me and I glared at her. She didn't need to interrupt me to tell me that.

"Whatever. It's your call." I said, opening my door.

I began to get out of the car, but Kristina's yells of protest were a little distracting. I gave her a small look and sat back in my seat, waiting to hear her excuse for being rude for the fifth time today.

"I'm supposed to open the door for you." She whined, then ran out of the car onto my side and opened the door for me with an expectant smile.

I was tempted to close the door in her face and then open it myself, but then that would make me the rude one and I am determined to be better than Kris. It's basically been my life goal ever since I've met her. I like to think that I'm winning.

You know, despite the fact that I've had ten panic attacks, ran away from home and tried to kill two different people.

I gave her a sarcastic smile, stepping out of her car in an overly dramatic manner. She rolled her eyes at my expression but smiled anyway. She closed the door behind me and intertwined my hand with her.

A few weeks ago I would've been upset that she even attempted something like that and a few days ago I would've been upset that she didn't ask for permission, but now I love her so she can do anything and everything to me and I won't mind at all.

As we walked closer to the doors of the restaurant, I started to notice that there were actually more people than I had previously counted. I know that Kris told me that it's not possible for me to embarrass her, but I don't really think she's seen me interact in a crowd as big as this.

"Taylor, table for two," Kris spoke to the waitress.

The woman glanced at me with a confused facial expression and I couldn't tell if it was because we're on a date or because I was shaking. For her sake, I hope that it was because I am shaking.

I've never fought anybody for making fun of my disorder; I just end up having a panic attack. I've never held pride in my disorder and I don't ever plan to. When people make fun of my sexuality, on the other hand, they always end up in the hospital.

"Right this way." She spoke slowly, guiding us over to our table.

When Kris and I sat down, Kris watched me with an excited smile. I rolled my eyes at her and held her hands into my shaking ones.

"Do you like it? Is it nice?" She asked, slightly nervous.

I looked around the restaurant, taking in the chandeliers and candles lining the room. The tablecloths felt as if they were a hundred percent silk and even the music playing in the background sounded expensive.

Basically, the place is extremely nice.

That isn't going to stop my self conscious from having a panic attack later tonight though. If anything, I feel like it enjoys breaking expensive things. Like when they threw my mother's eighty thousand dollar shoes into the sewer; there was no resentment to be found.

I nodded to respond to Kris and then looked down at the menu. I wonder if they serve Sebastio's.

"If you're looking for pizza, they don't have any." Shit.

"What makes you think that I'm looking for pizza?" I said in a falsetto, smiling at Kris.

She smirked. "I know what your facial expressions mean."

I scoffed. "Kristina, I don't have a face dedicated to pizza."

She shot me a look and I shot her the same one back. What kind of crazy and desperate person has a facial expression dedicated to pizza?

"You make that same blissful facial expression when I dial the number for Sebastio's. Normal people may not have facial expressions to pizza, but you're not one of those people." She pointed out and a small blush of embarrassment snuck onto my face.

"Whatever; it's really good pizza," I muttered, sinking down into my seat.

"She said for the 100th time today." Kris sang in a mocking tone.

I glanced up from my menu to glare at her, but my expression eventually softened. I appreciate the fact that she jokes with me in a way that most people would be afraid to do. I can understand why they're too scared to, but at the same time, they shouldn't always assume that I'll be that way.

I can be mildly normal from time to time.

Why are you lying to yourself? Why are you more focused on me than on Kristina? Aren't you always complaining I don't pay enough attention to you? Because you don't, but now I need you to focus on Kristina like you always do. But frustrating you will always be my top priority. And hating you will always be mine.

"Are you on a date with me or with whoever is up there?" Kristina asked, and my eyes shot to her.

"You," I said immediately, not wanting for there to be any type of doubt about it.

She smiled contently, before looking back at her menu.

△

Kristina brought her watch close to her face to see the numbers in the dark.

"Hey," She whispered, turning on the blanket to face me, "It's eleven o'clock and you haven't tried to kill anybody."

I looked away from the sky, to turn my head towards her. "That shouldn't really be an accomplishment, Kris."

She shrugged. "We take what we can get."

Despite the fact that it physically wounds me to say this, Kris is right.

After being in the restaurant for more than 10 minutes, the voices went away and I was able to focus on Kris. She made me laugh and smile, which made up for the fact that we weren't eating Sebastio's. Not that the food was bad, it was actually pretty amazing.

It just wasn't Sebastio's.

Afterward, Kris told me that she had a surprise for me. I initially refused due to my innate hate towards surprises, but after I reminded myself that this was Kris we were talking about, I agreed to go with her. That's how I ended up on a hill, lying on a blanket with the most cliche romantic I know.

And feeling the most peaceful that I have in a long time.

I turned my attention back towards the sky and began drawing shapes in the stars again. Kris intertwined her fingers into mine, and I squeezed her hand.

"Did you have fun tonight?" Kris whispered before placing a small kiss on my forehead. I rolled my eyes and turned towards her. Obviously, I'm not going to be able to draw my constellations.

"Of course I did Kristina. Have you not seen me smiling all night? I don't smile just to smile." I reassured her, and this time she rolled her eyes.

"Why do you call me Kristina? The nickname Kris was invented for a reason." She asked after a few beats of silence, and now I looked away from her.

"Kris is cool. I don't dislike the nickname, but I think that Kristina is more..." I trailed off, then glanced at Kris before answering. "I think that your name is beautiful."

I'm a lot worse at giving compliments than I am at taking compliments which is saying something because I suck at taking compliments. Giving compliments is ridiculously hard because I hate everybody and when I do like people, I focus on all of their negatives.

But because I am disgustingly in love with Kristina and my usual rules don't apply to her, I always have a list of compliments I am ready to give her.

Kris took my chin into her hand and tilted my head so that I would look at her. The stars and moon might've done a crappy job at helping Kris look at her watch, but they were doing great with illuminating the eyes I've come to adore.

"I think you're beautiful." She murmured her thumb ghosting over my cheek.

If anyone else had done this, I would've tried to break their arm or run away. I would've gone missing for a week and if anyone caught me, I would've refused to take my medicine for a month. My body would've gone into complete shutdown, and I wouldn't have been able to function for three months.

But this is Kristina.

So all I want to do to her is cuddle her or kiss her. And I still want to break people's arms, but only if they look at her. I still want to run away, but with her. And if they catch us, I'll still take my medicine and then maybe even apologize for trying to run away. My body is alive when I am with her and I am so much more functional.

Because she is so, so good for me.