I stopped having dreams and nightmares a long time ago. One day I woke up and I was just numb. I didn't have any dream to decipher or any nightmare to feel relieved about waking up from. My medicine is probably to blame for this loss. If there is one thing that it is good at, it is making me feel numb.

When I woke up, I stretched out my arms and yawned quietly. I slowly opened my eyes to find a relieved Kris watching over me. What is she so happy about? I am not baby Jesus for heaven's sake.

"Oh Adri, I'm so happy you're up." Yeah, I can tell.

I just nodded at her in response and sat up slowly. My head is pounding, and my throat stings, but other than that I am feeling pretty okay.

Whenever I wake up after a panic attack, my body is always weak and vulnerable. Not as vulnerable as I am during a panic attack, but it is still pretty hard for me to function by myself.

"Your brother, Cole, called." Kris, I thought that we were both pro-no-panic-attacks. What happened to that?

"Adri wait. I didn't tell him anything. I just told him that you fell asleep during the movie and then convinced him to let you stay the night. He just wants you to call him." And here I thought I could talk fast when I was scared. Kris has it mastered.

I relaxed back against the headboard with a quiet sigh. When did I say I want to have a sleepover? I am still pretty mad at her for trying to kiss me. I don't know if I'm up to sleeping in the same room as her.

"Adri talk to me." Nah, I'm good. Talking requires way more energy than me just being quiet.

I reached in my pocket for my phone, keeping my eyes on my lap. I dialed Cole's number, squeezing my empty palm into a tight fist.

It's not like I've never lied to Cole before. I've done it on multiple occasions, usually just to stay away from Her, but I never will be able to enjoy lying to him. My hands always start shaking and my voice hitches up a notch. It is a very nerve-wracking experience for me.

"So you want to spend the night at a girl's house that you just met and who you don't even like?"

Kris gave me a small pout and crossed her arms over her chest at the sound of that. If she hadn't made me have a panic attack, I would have the energy to hold my phone to my ear instead of having it on speakerphone, and then she wouldn't have heard that. This is all her fault.

"Yep, that's right." Now that I think about it, I'm not really lying. I don't want to be anywhere near Cole in this state, so technically I do want to be here since he isn't here.

Not surprisingly, that doesn't make me feel any better about lying.

"Do you have your meds?" Of course I do. Who leaves their house without their meds?

Just the thought of leaving home without my meds gives me a bad feeling, but if I were to accidentally leave my meds at home, I'd probably start World War III. I'd break into every pharmacy, and take every single last pill that looks like my meds until I got that feeling that my actual meds give. Somewhere in the middle of this little event, I'll probably overdose and die.

And dying is bad.

"Yeah."

"Okay. You can stay there, but I'm going to have to tell-"

"Alright, bye."

You just hung up on Cole. Your point? You don't feel bad? He was about to say Her name; he's the one who should feel bad. You won't let her get rid of me right? Never.

"Where is everyone?" I asked when my stomach let out a small growl. I'm hungry, but I am not about to go downstairs and get the look.

"Gone. They all had to go home." Or did I scare them away? God knows what it must've looked like when Kris carried me back inside. I was probably a pale, teary mess and Kris is probably tired from carrying my heavy body all the way here without any help from me.

"Are you hungry? I can order pizza for us." It's like she can read my mind.

Cole always orders pizza after a panic attack. It is both his and I's comfort food. Even though I'm the one who physically has the panic attack, he needs just as much comforting after my panic attacks as I do. I say mean things to anybody and everybody during panic attacks, and even though people know I don't mean any of it, it's still pretty exhausting to hear.

I've never known who's in charge of my brain when I have a panic attack. I like to think that it's not me, but I don't know what I would do and wouldn't do most days.

I don't know what to do with myself.

"Yeah. Sure Kris."

"Okay." She got up heading towards her door but stopped walking to turn towards me and stare me down with eyes full of guilt.

"Adrianna I'm so-"

"Don't worry about it. Just go get my food."

Δ

Whoever makes the pizza at the little parlor by Kris's house has, as of today, won my hand in marriage. This pizza has to be the absolute best pizza that I have ever had in my entire life.

"I'm glad you like it. Sebastio's is my favorite. I could take you there someday maybe." I'm still not even talking to you Kris. Let's not get ahead of ourselves by thinking about future dates.

I shrugged at her in response, causing her smile to fall into a small frown. I'm sorry, but I don't know how to tell her that so I'm just going to take another bite of my pizza.

"Can we talk about it Adri?" We could talk about it, but there's still the problem of me not wanting to talk to you.

I shook my head at her and fixed my eyes on my pizza. There is a very interesting piece of pepperoni on it.

"I'm sorry that I tried to kiss you. I tried to treat you like one of my one-night stands, and that wasn't right. I'm extremely sorry Adrianna, please forgive me. I truly do want you to be my friend."

I don't see why Kris needs another friend. She already has four of them. I'm pretty sure that's a healthy amount of friends to have.

No Adri; normal people have a lot more than four friends. Are you admitting that Kris isn't normal? Obviously she's not if she still wants to be your friend after seeing you have a panic attack. Are you saying that I look ugly when I have panic attacks? No, I'm saying that you look ugly all the time.

"I need my medication," I stated out loud, standing up from Kris bed. Kris stood up from the chair she was sitting in and nodded in agreement.

"They're in your backpack right? I'll go get it from out of my car." Kris gave me a small smile, before heading out of her room. I sent her a mental "thank you", and moved towards her window. It looks like it's kind of late, so I guess that means that I won't be taking my insomnia pills.

Looking back at Kris's bed, I tilted my head in slight confusion as a small problem dawned on me. Where am I going to be sleeping?

I most definitely am not going to be sleeping in the same room as Kris, let alone the same bed. From what she told me about her 'friend', Kris seems to get around and the girls who Kris got around with, probably get around with someone else. This may have created a giant, disgusting cycle of STDs, and I for one would like to keep those far, far away from me.

"Here you go Adri." Kris handed me my backpack, and I gave her a small smile as a thank you. Her expression brightened up, and she nodded back at me in return.

I reached into the front pocket of my backpack and pulled out the medicine container.

I think that orange is a pretty color. It's bright and vibrant like the sun. It's usually associated with fall, my favorite season. It also reminds me of my lovely sister because orange is also Ellie's favorite color. So much so that she has 7 orange dresses, one for every day of the week, and only wears those seven dresses. Cole is trying to get her out of that stage, but I wish he wouldn't because it's kind of adorable.

Also orange is the color of my pill container.

"Here you go." Kris handed me a water bottle, and I took it with an appreciative smile.

I downed my pill and a few gulps of water.

"Am I forgiven Adri?" Kris is being extremely persistent about this forgiveness thing.

"Sure, but you have to buy me more of that pizza whenever I want."

She must think that I am kidding because she is laughing, but I am being very serious. I want more of that pizza in the very near future. Like tomorrow.

"Of course Adri, whatever you want." Well in that case, do you think that you can buy me a plane ticket to Switzerland? I'm not in the mood to steal Cole's credit card again.

"Do you want to play one of the board games? I'll keep my distance this time, I promise." I frowned at her tone of voice, tilting my head.

She sounds like she's afraid of me. I don't think I am a person to be afraid of post-panic attack. I feel small and have the muscle strength of a two-year-old. There is nothing to be worried about.

"Kris, are you afraid of me?" Translation: I want to know what is wrong with me.

What isn't wrong with you Adrianna? A lot isn't wrong; I can walk and spell. Is that the best you've got? Pretty much, I don't have a lot going for me. You've got your charming personality and bag of pills; people would pay a lot of money for those things. You're a sarcastic jerk; you know that right? I take pride in my personality Adri, maybe you should do the same.

"Not at all. I'm scared to hurt you again. I don't want to see you cry again; You're too pretty to cry."

"Do you need glasses?"

"Do you own a mirror?"

"Were you dropped as a child?"

"Yep, but I'm still sane. I was tested."

"So was I, and they told me that I am crazy. You clearly cheated."

There she is laughing again. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe somewhere along the way, my meds tore down the humor detecting part of my brain. Or maybe the whole world is the exact opposite of what it's supposed to be, and Kris is the real crazy person in the room.

The first option is probably the right one.

"I don't think you're crazy, I think you're pretty."

"Well I think that you're crazy, and not that pretty."

"But you think that I'm kind of pretty?"

"I think you're gorgeous."

What is wrong with you; we just had this conversation. What conversation? I don't know maybe the one about how I told you not to take control of my body; this is my body. Technically, you were thinking it. Technically, I hate you.

"Do you have a lot of internal debates?"

I just stared at her, deciding to just keep my mouth shut, since I seem to have no say over what comes out of it.

"Don't be embarrassed. I think you're gorgeous too." That changes nothing here. My face is still really, really red.

"Are we back to the whole no talking thing again?" What do you think Kris?

"That's fine Adri. Just know that one day you're going to fall in love with me and I'll show you how beautiful you are."

Great. I'll mark my calendar for never.